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Everything posted by RilkeRilke

  1. Does anyone have any tips? I've been sleeping about 1-2 hours a night for the past week because of anxiety, and the anxiety seems to be wearing off but I still feel awful. I have a pounding headache, and I slept basically all day today so I'm worried I won't sleep well at night. I think I might be dehydrated still since I get nauseous when i don't sleep well and have a hard time eating and drinking water, and my joints hurt. Anyone have any tips for getting back on a normal schedule?
  2. I'm feeling okay, but am finding it very difficult not to beat myself up for not measuring up to some of the people around me. I'm having trouble accepting my own pace, I guess.
  3. I've been panicking about... uh... my weight and foreign affairs. An odd combination.
  4. Exhausted, scared, anxious. I feel like I can't think or breathe.
  5. Moving back in with my parents for a bit-- my mom and I are making pizza with roasted peppers, onions, artichokes, and olives, plus a salad with these AMAZING tomatoes she picked up at her farmer's market this morning.
  6. Breakfast was an everything bagel with cream cheese, lox, red onion, and capers. Also had some farmer's market raspberries and black coffee :)
  7. tw for brief eating disorder talk :) I don't think this belongs in the eating disorder forum because it more pertains to my depression, but mods, feel free to move as you see fit I used to get annoyed when people talked about treating depression with nutrition because it felt like they were dismissing the need for meds-- which is NOT my intent here; I am very, very grateful for my meds. I am, however, wondering if anyone can share personal experiences with changing their diet and seeing marked improvements in their depression/anxiety/anhedonia that they can differentiate from other treatment (meds, therapy, etc). I've always had some level of depressed thinking but I feel like the summer I crossed the line between "a little melancholy" and "depressed" was the summer I developed an eating disorder-- which I guess is sort of a chicken-and-egg scenario-- and have always wondered if the breaking the lingering bad habits is the last step I need to take to get the "old me" back. I feel like I remember being much more motivated and proactive, and the summer and few years in which I was anorexic, I just kind of felt like I was drifting through life, to a much higher extent than I do now. I've read a bit about how some nutrient deficiencies-- B vitamins in particular, but also protein because it helps with dopamine synthesis-- are supposed to affect mental health. I can definitely say that my panic attacks have almost disappeared since I started eating more, but even though I can no longer really call myself "eating disordered," I still don't have entirely healthy habits (for example, my dinner today was salted caramels and a cappuccino; I will often skip meals because I don't feel like cooking or don't have an appetite). I look at many of my friends who seem to enjoy their experiences and get more out of their opportunities than I do and it hurts knowing that I was once like that and haven't been in years. Will forcing myself to eat regularly and more healthily improve my depression, or is my lack of appetite just another symptom of a depression with a different root cause?
  8. Just hung out with the girl my ex dumped me for. She's great (doesn't know he had feelings for her), and I only did it because I thought I was over him, but now I feel about myself...
  9. Rigatoni pasta with a simple sauce of garlic, tomatoes, chili peppers, and arugula with romano cheese.
  10. Not quite up-to-speed, but better. A little more motivated, a little more focused.
  11. Penne pasta casserole with leftover roasted chicken, tomato sauce, peppers, onions, artichokes, olives, spinach, and lots of cheese.
  12. I'm making an effort to eat less junk food and more whole foods: lunch today was grilled ginger-scallion chicken, quinoa salad with shredded carrots, blueberries, and cilantro, and roasted potatoes with green beans, cherry tomatoes, and olives.
  13. Soooo tired, and kind of angry at myself for being tired, but nonetheless still sort of riding the high of a great weekend.
  14. Can't seem to keep the bad thoughts at bay recently.
  15. Trying really hard not to compare myself to others.
  16. Overwhelmed and blank; it feels hard to breathe today.
  17. dark chocolate + alcohol (do these forums censor the name of any alcoholic beverage to "alcohol"? I guess I can understand why, it just looks so crass when written like that!)
  18. http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/87679-how-do-you-feel-today-31/page-80
  19. I don't think it has anything to do with school being over, though-- I was so, so ready to be done with school and leave that environment behind; although my parents aren't rich, they'd been saving up for my college tuition since before I was born so I didn't have to worry about money until I graduated, and honestly that just made me feel immensely guilty (but no less irresponsible? I really hope someone reading this knows exactly what I'm feeling because I just feel like I'm sticking my foot in my mouth). I like being out of college and out of a pretty homogeneous environment (my school claimed to be racially and economically diverse and I guess it could have been worse but like... l o l) and having a sense that I'm earning my keep-- I just still feel like I need to be doing better to honor everything that's been given to me.
  20. I wish I could give you more advice or reassurance, but for now, if you do want to pursue college, the only thing I can think of is to try to get in touch with professors. You can usually find contact information for various schools on their websites (digging into department information helps)-- maybe you could even start with professors who taught you when you attended college for a semester. Ask THEM for advice-- unless they're bigoted a******s (unfortunately I met a lot of profs like this when I was in school-- ignore them and don't let them get you down if you come across them) they'll be more helpful than most people on here. And ask them for 2-3 more people to talk to. This will probably work better if you have an idea of what you want to go to college for/what you want to study-- but even if you don't have a specific idea, asking them about their career paths and what they do if you're even vaguely interested in it might help. Also, talk to the admissions office and ask them to put you in touch with whoever manages financial aid/scholarships. Not sure how much you network online but LinkedIn is free and has helped me dig for contacts/advice a fair amount. Best of luck, no matter what you decide to do.
  21. I'm guessing a lot of people with anxiety feel this way, but I think there are a few specific things that make this feeling hard to ignore in my life. 1) Education privilege-- I was lucky to be born in an area with an excellent public school system and to parents that prized education above all else, so I had a leg up with excelling in school and getting taught at an accelerated pace. I went to an incredibly competitive high school where students did cancer research before they got their driver's licenses and a 2300 SAT score was sneered at. I remember as a freshman, our principal told us to always be using our time in constructive ways-- reading a book or listening to a book on tape on the way to school, using our lunch breaks to study or read more, or quizzing ourselves for tests in the shower. Not only were our teachers excellent, but the high-pressure environment meant that even if you were a mediocre student in the high school, you were headed for one of the nation's top colleges. As a result, when I got into a great college but one that wasn't an Ivy League, I didn't understand how lucky I was to be there and thought I was better than everyone else. I think once I got knocked off my high horse (which happened VERY quickly) and realized how, compared to a lot of other kids there, not only was I not particularly smart but also not particularly hard-working, I wanted to push myself to extremes-- but, of course, was never satisfied. I feel like I continually burnt out but I hardly did anything, whereas one of my best friends was an honors engineering student, worked three jobs, was president of three organizations, and an athlete, and seemed to always have more energy. I feel like I need to constantly be doing more, an BETTER, to make up for the fact that I was raised in an intellectually elite elitist environment (which, obviously, was a double edged sword) and had my education paid for by my parents. In other words, now that I'm an adult I'm beginning to realize how much I took for granted and feel like I need to make myself deserving of it all. 2) My dad was brilliant as a young adult, immigrated to the US for his master's degree and went to one of the top engineering colleges for his field, had a flourishing career, but then, when I was a child, lost his job, fell into a depression, and has never recovered. Obviously, growing up with a severely depressed parent who vocally worried about me and my accomplishments (see above: parents that prized education above all else) wasn't a very healthy environment. He always told me that I could be pushing myself harder and seemed to think I was mediocre, too; in retrospect, I think part of it might have been the worry that if I didn't constantly work on building a safety net I would end up like him. And that is definitely an intense worry that has rooted itself deep into my mind. I graduated in May and have an internship doing something I'm really passionate about, but now I don't feel like having a job is enough (which is constantly reinforced by my dad's urges to network and look for more permanent jobs). I want to constantly be building toward a better version of myself-- I don't want to spend so much time on social media, I want to be the sort of person who reads, listens to educational podcasts, can intelligently speak about current events, is politically active... but every time I try to build up to the sort of fireball I envision in my head, I get exhausted, burn out, and end up on my bed with Youtube makeup tutorials and a family-size bag of potato chips. And for some reason, that makes me feel like I'm not earning my space on the planet. TL;DR: I feel like a vapid, privileged brat who's life is about to start a downward spiral now that she has to work for herself. Some days I feel like I have enough energy to achieve the "perfection" that used to feel natural, but it's always surrounded or followed by a total mental limpness. I don't know if I need something to wake me up or if I just need to lie down and be still with the idea that if it weren't for sheer luck, I would be pitifully mediocre. ETA: I feel like I sound incredibly snobby and elitist in this post; I think my whole point, which maybe I didn't explain very well, is that even though I would never ask someone to "earn their space on the planet" or acknowledge that measuring intellect (grades, SAT scores, college rankings, etc) is bulls***, I'm scared of letting go of those standards and feel like I constantly have to be better and bigger otherwise I'm worthless.
  22. I've been low lately, but less in an overwhelmingly sad way and more in terms of slipping back into berating myself and holding myself to impossible standards without realizing what I'm doing. I haven't been sleeping well. I did start re-taking zoloft today, though, and it isn't giving me headaches like it did the first start-up period, so we'll see how it goes.
  23. Not terrible-- got my Rx renewed, so I can start those up again if I decide I need to-- but not great either (haven't been sleeping well, haven't been exercising, have had headaches + stomach pains for over a week)
  24. I had to cold-turkey quit my meds because I moved to a new city and couldn't find a good pdoc in time to get my prescription renewed, but I really hope that happens soon because my meds were SO helpful (I was on Zoloft/Sertraline). They were prescribed to me by my family doctor, not a pdoc, and he said when people ask him for temporary meds before seeing a pdoc he usually prescribes a low dose of Zoloft because it's what seems to work for a lot of people (**unless you have any symptoms of mania). At first I felt like they weren't doing anything-- I had really, really terrible headaches the first week ("zaps") and it upset my stomach (and a little less serious but also grapefruits are my favorite and not being able to eat them was SO SAD), but after about two and a half months, I looked back and realized that good things in my life were beginning to fall into place and both my anxiety and depression were settling down without my even noticing it. I still struggled and got stressed, but it didn't seem like the end of the world anymore-- I found that I was actually able to get motivated enough and believe in myself enough to get things done. Someone else who was on Sertraline told me that it made her feel like she was "wrapped in a warm blanket and everything was going to work out fine, even if it felt hard in the moment"-- and that's what it felt like for me, too. I hope you find what works for you to help you manage your depression, and if you decide to keep trying meds, I hope you figure out what works best for you!
  25. Awful. I think I celebrated not needing meds too soon.
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