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Everything posted by blackandblue

  1. Thanks, it's nice that someone's interested! It's like as soon as I think about telling someone I get embarrased and start thinking they wouldn't believe me. Because when I'm with other people I feel different, it's like a reaction to put all the bad stuff to one side and be sociable, and I feel happier with people around. It's like there's the two sides of me and the happy one is embarrassed of the sad one....
  2. Like a fraud. My depression is real for me but it just boils down to wanting attention. Maybe I'm making it all up.
  3. So I have had depression and anxiety for a long time now and I'm beginning to realise that I don't want to get better until people know that i have issues and show that they care about me by helping me with them. But... I can't tell people about how I feel sometimes because I feel like they won't believe me or they won't react the way I want them to. I just want that show of love that people get when something terrible happens to them, because I never got it when bad things happened to me in the past. But I am stuck because I feel like people who have known me for a long time would be like - oh you were depressed? I didn't notice! - or like they just wouldn't want to talk about it or know what to do. Ideally I want someone who will be there for me day and night and be loyal forever but I know this isn't realistic, and my friends all live far away or they have their own issues which are even worse than mine. Anyone experienced this before? Any suggestions for what to do? I know I should just go to therapy but I don't even want to tell people I'm doing that in case they think I'm saying it for attention... Which I guess I am!! I just want someone to care about what I've been through but normal life just goes on and I'm too good at hiding my real feelings.
  4. Thank you so much for replying!! I hope you're safe! Don't worry you're not sick! I can completely understand knowing something is wrong and doing it anyway! I feel so guilty that you are actually in that relationship and I'm sitting here safe and sound wishing i was in something similar just so my friends would worry about me.. It's just purely irrational. It's just a way for my mind to say i want attention. Maybe therapy will help by giving me some attention... I'm just so good at avoiding it, it's been nearly a year since i quit the last one! At least now i have a couple of people who support the decision! Thanks for saying all that, it's such a relief to hear someone else has thought something similar!! I don't feel so lonely either <3 Please stay safe and have an emergency number with you at all times <3
  5. Someone please reply even if you just say "oh no poor you" or "stop being an *****"
  6. Charity work or social services. In the Uk you may be able to do an apprenticeship or other quaifications for social care, but also I just got a zero-hour job (covering for staff absences) as a support worker with no relevant qualifications! This was a good one because it's secondary care, which is basically providing a friendly face and practical help to people who are trying to move back into the community after being in hospital, so literally just a good attitude required. Start volunteering somewhere, find somewhere that you can walk to and that you don't hate. Then just apply apply apply and look for any opportunity to build up your skills and experience for free - online courses, the open university, careers services... I don't know about your meds, but can you taper off more slowly, like taking three-quarter doses, half doses then quarter etc?? And stick with it a month or two so that you get back to your "normal". Good luck :)
  7. My motto is "any exercise is a bonus!" Literally don't bother with the gym. I would start with walks, start with a 5 min walk every week. Or less! It doesn't matter how small you start, it's all about building your belief that you can do it and it's not so bad when you do. You can listen to music while walking and it's free! You can mix it up by going up and down your stairs as many times as you can. Just start with a teeny tiny aim and do that for like 4 weeks, and then if you feel capable, increase your goal a teeny tiny bit :)
  8. Logical answer: because it's our animal instinct to survive?
  9. Hi Forum, Haven't been here for a while. I've had a few days of strangeness which I can't tell anyone about so here I am! I came off antidepressants last summer (woop) and have since been cycling through temp jobs and moods. I currently have no reason to be unhappy, I've got an offer for an internship which I'm excited for and am getting on with my small family. So this is just really ridiculous... I have always had little daydreams about being ill or going through something difficult so that people will show how much they really care about me. And usually there is a knight in shining armour and sometimes a whole cavalry. (This really pi**es me off because I don't want to be dependent on a man!!) *Trigger warning* So the last few days I've had this really intense fantasy that I get into a relationship with some guy who starts to manipulate me and ends up abusing me. And I get really isolated and finally have to ring a friend when the guy breaks my wrist. Then this friend (real guy who I have a crush on) gets involved and has to persuade me to break up with the bad guy and I refuse to start because I want to see the good in him (slight martyr complex?) and it goes on for a while with my crush trying to help me and me being helpless, and then more dramatic injuries happen and I end up with my crush after bonding through the trauma... I have literally been imaginign every detail of this story and like, enjoying it (I'm extremely embarrassed and s***ting myself for the responses). What can I do to stop this?? Like I said this is an ingrained thing that I have been doing all my life, I know I crave attention and I have difficulty getting close to people, and have middle child syndrome - feeling like my parents neglected me and only got attention when something bad happened... But this recent one is a whole new scale of fantasy and I feel like I might actually start trying to find bad situations so that I can get this attention. I guess I should just go to therapy. :/ but I already know why I'm doing this I just need to stop it!! Please help, feeling very pathetic (please take me seriously I am depressed and am bad at expressing myself)
  10. Thank you all for taking the time to reply!! I guess I could go with him because i don't mind where I live- I'd just that I think unis prefer it if you don't go travelling because you look more committed :/ I am considering doing my master's through the open uni so I can get a job abroad - that might be best. I just hope it's not a bad sign that he's so eager to get away without worrying about where I'll be :/
  11. I think me and my boyfriend might want different things. We have one year left at uni and I'm planning what to do when we leave. I always plan way in advance so I already have notes on the various different masters programmes I could do and the costs etc. The problem is all he wants to do is travel. He's just going to get any job so long as it's in a cool place far from England (where I live). I keep asking him to give me an idea of where he wants to go so I can apply to the nearest uni to do a masters, but he doesn't want to plan anything. He enjoys having lots of choice and doesn't want to constrain himself. He also says that I shouldn't follow him because my favourite courses are in England - his dad's a pilot so he gets discounts on flying, so he thinks he can come and see me from wherever. I can see where he's coming from but it is really stressing me out and making me feel that he doesn't value me enough - I would do anything for him, but he wouldn't for me!! I just don't think I'll be able to cope with not seeing him all the time - he doesn't understand how hard I struggle with depression and anxiety I keep trying to talk to him but he's not going to change his mind. He has never had things go wrong in his life so he is just so overly optimistic!! I feel like I'm going to have to break it off at some point because I won't be able to cope. What do I do?! Is he being reasonable??
  12. I haven't reached that point yet but it sounds like you need to work on preventing those downward spirals - I can imagine when I go b back to uni I will start to struggle more than in the holidays!! I'll be getting back to therapy because I know I have bad coping habits! So just from experience of how my mind works, maybe see if you can get CBT to get some good thinking habits in place. Therapy is always useful as well, whether it's alongside other things or not. If you feel too bad to talk about things then maybe a regular tiny dose will help you to get help! Basically try every combination of treatments possible! Good luck
  13. Hi everyone, Firstly very glad I came on here after being apprehensive of horror stories- I have read some similar stories to move and feel comforted! I have just experienced a weird dizziness today, for about 7 hours until now which is bedtime. I had been feeling pretty good on 10mg a day of citalopram for a few weeks and decided to stop them 4 days ago. I have felt really paranoid once and easily cry at films (which is back to normal for me!) Then today during a driving lesson I started to feel a little out of it and after being home a few minutes as I was staring at a vase it seemed to wobble though I knew it hadn't and my eyes were perfectly still. Then watching telly I felt weird and have been dizzy since. It feels like I am reeling from a rollercoaster or a headrush and I feel this inertia like I'm falling. I have a very overactive imagination which is probably the worst part- I am imagining brain tumours, comas and sudden death. Have had a little alcohol and ibuprofen so hopefully I will sleep it off. Hopefully the dizziness is similar to others' experiences? Have I withdrawn too quickly? I suppose I could go to 10mg every other day Good luck everyone, I hope you all feel better soon!
  14. Does anyone else ever feel like this?? I can't work out why but I feel like depression is necessary - it's like it shows me the truth. I feel like there are other reasons too but I can't put my finger on them :/
  15. I always question my depression. Sometimes it feels like "depression" is just such a boring diagnosis and I feel like I'm so much worse I must actually be mad! But at other times I feel like imposter too! No one really knows about my depression and I never talk about it so other people probably wouldn't believe me.
  16. I don't talk to anyone really, I'm pretty good at saving it all until later... somehow. I always feel like no one would believe me if I told them I was ill, and I have evidence for this because my "best" friend (we weren't that close really but it was the closest I was to anyone) didn't realise I was ill throughout high school even though we hung out everyday. Also, the worst thing is that my own mother doesn't believe I'm really that ill, she thinks that I'm on antidepressants because my dad left a couple years ago. It's difficult not letting it all hang out, I wish I could... But then if I did I would probably feel terribly selfish and attention-seeking! It's a viscious cycle.
  17. Thank you for your replies! Have you guys felt these feelings go away sometimes? I am wondering if they are going to be with me forever :/ Yes, exactly, the meaning of life is that there is no meaning! We just have to try and enjoy the good bits!
  18. I do! Even when I was little I liked to sit under a table or even in the fireplace to feel safe! It's not weird, maybe a variation of agoraphobia? :)
  19. How often do other people with depression experience existential crises? What I mean by this is not simply thinking "there's no point/meaning" in reaction to something that's gone wrong, but a deeper feeling of fear, frustration and pain about the lack of answers and lack of meaning, and it comes up randomly without anything going wrong. I get this every day even though I'm mostly recovered from my depression.
  20. Wow well done! What are doing now then? Is the sleep getting better? I probably should have mentioned, I have always done this much exercise and was quite good at it - it's only over the last 6 months or so that gradually I find it's getting more difficult. Could this just be a natural thing with age maybe? But I'm only 21 so that's why I was worried about being so achy after a normal amount of exercise! That's a lot of good advice though thanks, I will do all those things! Thanks for your post!
  21. Just wanted to know if the following symptoms are normal for my situation: I'm a full time student, on 30mg citalopram, and I do a lot of exercise - I need 10 hours sleep a night - after every exercise my muscles burn and ache - mornings are the bane of my existence, sometimes I turn off my alarm and cannot stop myself going back to sleep, sometimes I don't wake up - I hate walking for longer than 15 minutes because it makes my legs ache - I get a few tension headaches - my eyes are always tired, screens make them ache slightly - I have learnt to loathe lying in because it makes me groggy and then I won't be tired enough to sleep at an early time despite all this I sometimes find it difficult to sleep, so I actually get about 8 hours a night which isn't enough. Should I be worried it's something more than depression?? Let me know what your tiredness symptoms are like!
  22. This is a brilliant thread!! I thought I was the only person in the world who took 20 minute showers when I'm being quick and finds it really difficult to get motivated to have one! I have hated myself about this for so long, it is soo good to realise I'm not alone! All the positivity is really motivating me for my shower now which I wasn't going to take. These forums are brilliant... Just to offload: I normally get 'stuck' when I'm in a low mood, and tonight I'm stuck on the internet, been here for hours, reading articles, moods going up and down and round and round. So I get really worked up about showers because usually I get stuck in thoughts and being as clean as humanly possible and then I hate myself for taking half an hour in the shower. Being at uni makes it feel really public because the shower's in between two people's rooms so I always feel like they're listening out and judging me on my showers! I'm going to bed happy now, your collective struggles and support have made me feel good about humanity :) you are all wonderful!
  23. Have you found yourself questioning your situation in life? Perhaps the break up triggered a sort of "mid-life crisis"? Anyway, I wonder you might find relief in a spiritual form, perhaps read E. Tolle's "The Power of Now" and see if you can find some new understanding which will help you more effectively. Good luck!
  24. I write down notes about things I want to bring up - but there's no need to do that unless you think you might get stage fright! Besides, everything you want to talk about is in your head somewhere :P If you do get nervous, I find it best to prepare some notes and then put them to one side and distract yourself so you don't build up worries over time. The main thing to remember is that there is always someone with stranger stories than you! The therapist has seen many other views of human nature so I'm sure nothing you say will surprise them. Good luck :)
  25. Basically what it says in the title. I'm really worried that I don't feel strongly enough about my boyfriend to be with him, I sometimes feel like I'm cheating or stringing him along :/ mostly when I'm with him I know that I love him, we have a great time together, we talk about everything, he is literally like another half of me! (This is the only worry I haven't told him!) But these feelings sometimes feel far away when he's gone. I have issues with sex because I have a tiny libido and that creates lots of worry - I always tell myself it's the meds (30mg Citalopram) because before them I had a different relationship where my libido was more normal. So even when I'm with him I only have a little amount of passion for him. But what if I came off the meds and still had such little passion?? How do you know?? So I worry about not feeling passionate, and sometimes when I'm not physically with him I feel like my feelings have gone away somewhere and I feel like I could easily dump him and not feel any loss! I know I have depression and anxiety, but other areas of my life are quite good atm so it feels strange that my relationship is still being affected, does anyone else get certain areas of their life which are affected more than others? Does it sound like I love him enough? I think I do, writing it out makes me terrified that someone will say I don't! Should I tell him this, I'm not sure he'll understand and I don't want him to worry :S This is probably a silly worry, but it's really big in my head
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