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Everything posted by tami83

  1. I feel the exact same way. 33 years old, never dated or had a boyfriend really hurts. I feel so defective.
  2. I would say, right around when I started middle school. I was 10.
  3. So painfully alone.

  4. How, as a rational, scientific person, I know that the negative things it think about myself make no sense, yet I still believe them.
  5. High school and college were not that great for me. I was still struggling with depression and anxiety. I tried to make friends and failed miserably. Now I am 33, still never been on a date. Having someone that loves me and maybe having a family seems like an impossible pipe dream. I still have 40 or so miserable lonely days ahead of me, and nothing really to look forward to. By the time I fix my problems and come out of my depression, I will be too old to have a life.
  6. I can relate to this, since I feel the same way about my looks. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. It would take some creative plastic surgery to make me look better. Make-up makes me look clownish, and I look incredibly fake and clownish with many of the hairstyles that other black women like to wear. For me, I would just like to be comfortable with myself. I want to be ok with the fact that I am not attractive, and I don't want to be so incredibly stressed out when I buy clothing or get ready in the morning. Do you feel the same way? I suppose too, that I would also like to have higher self-esteem. As you can probably tell, I pretty much loath myself. I wish I had some advice about how to overcome this, but I don't. But I will say that I am always more interested in someone's personality, more so than their looks. You seem like a very nice person to me, and I think that is more important than looks.
  7. This came up in therapy today. I am supposed to practice this, or at least research it since I have no idea what this means. I dislike myself on principle, and know how to be unkind to myself very well so, how does one be kind to them self given that fact?
  8. The feeling that life is just not worth living. Having nothing to look forward to but more emptiness and pain.
  9. I would like to be a parent someday. But, I would like to have a whole family too. I want my child to have a father. My father was not around, and that hurt me more than my mother probably knows (she always focuses on my brothers not having a father figure ). I would not want my child to go through that, whether they are my biological or adopted child. I have never been on a date before, so I am so far from having my own family. My sisters and brothers are in relationships and having kids, it makes me feel even more lonely and defective.
  10. I am realizing more than ever that having depression for more than half my life has robbed me of important life milestones, especially when it comes to socializing and relationships. It always hits me when I am talked to like a child when I visit with my family and when I feel completely out of place. I am the oldest of nine children and am 33. My brothers and sisters that belong to, what we like to call "the older set" have been married or in serious relationships. My one sister has a child while my other sister is expecting a child. Now even siblings in the "younger set" are beginning to date. My 15 year old brother even has a girlfriend. When I was at my mother's for my youngest brother's 12th birthday, they seem to only talk about relationships and being a parent. My mom spent most of the time doting on my pregnant sister and talking to my other sister about "life as a mother". I felt so left out and alone. This pretty much has been my experience for the past few years. Only my grandmother truly makes an effort to connect to me. I try to interact with my family, but my boring, lonely, and depressing life is not even a topic for discussion. I even tried to bring this up with my siblings, but they pretty much ignored me. I am in a lot of emotional pain right now, and am feeling lonely and isolated from my peer group because I have nothing in common with them. Now, I feel disconnected from my family too. I just wish that I can be normal so that I can be respected more. I wish I was not such a loser and a freak. I wish people would see more than someone to make fun of, an ugly face, and a broken person. I am starting to see little point of living if it is going to be this miserable and lonely.
  11. I feel awful. Valentine's day is really hard. It makes me think about how disgusting and unwanted I am. I am a total pile of crap, a freak, and a loser.
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