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About tanercloud

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  1. I just purchased some St. Johns Wart suppliments today and from my research it says that it may take up to 6 weeks to even notice any effects. There is a possibility that you were experiancing the "placebo effect" the first day, and then the next day your body realized that it didn't really feel better and rebelled. If it were me, I'd still give it a chance for a week or so, but I'm no licenced medical professional. If you don't want to chance anything wierd, it's always best to talk to your doctor. It's not likely, but you could possibly have some kind of adverse reaction to it. That's what happened to me when I tried elderberry tea.
  2. I'm on this site when I should be job searching. The endless, endless task of job searching. 3 years after college bachelor's degree and still no job. I feel worthless. I feel unmotivated. More rejection letters in my inbox, don't even want to read them all. Why am I alive? I'm a drain on everyone, including myself.
  3. I'm 27 and never held a real job, just a string of small chores at a temp agency. It's truely soul-sucking work. Every day I hate that I graduated college for this. Most of the time I'm just out of work. To me, the only thing worse about working a job where I'm undervalued is job searching. I absolutely hate having to communicate with people to sell my abilities. I never had a sucessful job interview in my life, and I've been to at least 50 interviews. I think it's the main reason I'm on this site. Unfortunately I can't relate to you on having a job. Maybe you should start looking for another job on the weekends or something. It looks like you need a change.
  4. Yeah, I really feel like I'm emotionally numbed. When I wake up I think how much I hate my current situation in life. I try to be productive during the day but I feel so tired in everything I do exept when I play videogames. You may notice that I only post at night. Around this time is when my depression really sinks in. I realize how far behind I am in everything, how little progress I have made, just everything comes in. Maybe my emotional numbness exists partially because I so often feel tired and sluggish. It's like all of my failures in life have subconciously made me just give up.
  5. Maybe my depression has made me a lot more apathetic towards life in genral. Today was an interesting day because it really put my emotions to the test. I was in the car about to pull out into the main road. It was a greenlight for me so I decided to go. I glimpsed to my left and saw a metro bus full of passengers barreling down the road, about to hit me. I stopped the car just in time to see the bus wheeze past me, blowing the red light. The driver of the bus pulled over on the side of the road, obiously shaken from almost ******* me and blowing a red light. However, I just completed my turn and drove off, going about my business. I checked my heart rate and it wasn't even elevated. At the speed the bus was going, if I had even been slightly distracted by something I would have been killed that very moment, and even upon analizing the situation I felt nothing but apathy. I did find a dark humor to it, though. How ironic would it be if a person who feels dead and dosn't want to live die through no fault of his own? Finding the humor in things helps me cope with my situation, at least.
  6. Hi guys, I just want to introduce myself as a 26 year old guy who has suffered from depression for around 10 years now. I've been through many stressful and traumatic events in my life. I do gaming/internet to deal with my problems. Early on in my depression I learned to quickly hide my feelings so that no one else would be concerned. I became good at hiding my emotions. I used to have small fits of anger, but once the depression set in all of my emotions just started to level out like tepid water. I controlled the negative emotions like anger and sadness and internalized them with a straight face. I got to be so good at it. Five years into the depression, I didn't even have to think about controlling my expressions, I no longer had any. I remember one time my mom came to me after something horrible happened in my life. She looked at me right in the eyes and said in tears, "I look into your eyes and I don't see anyone. What happened to my boy?". I feel great sadness, loneliness, empathy, all of those emotions, but I just can't show them anymore. It's like my body has forgotten how to display emotions. How screwed up is it to learn that your mom had gone to the ER after coughing up blood and I don't even bat an eye? Distancing myself from my emotions has allowed me to cope with it all for ten years, but what kind of life can I lead if there is no point? Maybe depression has already killed me. I'm like a ghost that still has a body. It's a body stuck in a mire that I have to force to move in order to not be a burden to others. At the end of the day I simply exist. I think I can only keep this up until my mom passes away. When she does, I'll lose all purpose. At that point I guess I'll have to check myself into a psych ward because I'll want to destroy everything.
  7. Great topic! There are not many things I'm proud about myself to be honest. In college a couple of years ago I was at waiting at the school bus stop with other students and I witnessed an elderly woman stumble and bust her face on a parking meter. I was the only one who ran over there to help her. I was late to class that day for an exam which landed me in hot water, but I'm glad that despite my depression I am still willing to make sacrifices for others without hesitation.
  8. Man, I can completely empathize with you. I'm a 25 year old graduate in video game design and I've gotten nothing for the past 4 years. Nothing. I feel trapped in my home living with parents because I can't even get a minimum wage job. I was so desperate I drove through a snowstorm to make an interview at a grocery store. There were 23 other applicants for that same position. Despite risking my life driving in a snowstorm I never got called to the group interview. I can tell like me it pi**es you off that you put in all the work to do what you want in life and get nothing from it. The only piece of advice I can offer is that you have to keep finding stuff to do that is productive or else you'll be swallowed up by a black hole of misery. I've been there. My projects are the only things giving my life any purpose.
  9. Thanks for posting. It's inspiring to us all. Keep up the good fight, and let us help you if you ever need it! We're all in this together.
  10. Hi tamercloud, You brought up a good point about being able to connect with children, their emotions are pure without all of the added baggage we collect along the way in life. I'm sorry you feel you don't have anyone in your life that cares about you. But here at DF, we do care about you. Please post how you're feeling and the members here can help you with some positive insights. Thanks! I wish I had found this site sooner. There's so many good-hearted people on this site. :)
  11. I'm interested in knowing what little things in life can make you feel a lot better. For me, most people are cold and distant around me, but for some reason kids are able to connect with me. During a family reunion I was in the pool and I got to know my 8 year old cousin by teaching her to swim. When it was time to go, she ran up to me and hugged me and told her parents that she wanted to stay with me. They were surprised because I'm the guy nobody knows anything about, the guy nobody talks to. It was this small, seemingly insignificant moment that nearly made me cry because I'm not used to anybody caring about me. Have you guys ever experienced something similar?
  12. Height. I first became depressed after I realized that I wasn't going to get any taller. I always thought I was going to grow up big and strong so I could be some kind of hero like you see in comic books or tv but I just...stopped. This one event started the branching out of a variety of personality shifts- from an extroverted popular kid to a nobody. My severe shortness was a huge instigator of a snowballing of different things that now causes me to be depressed. I hate how short my body is because it's completely against who I wanted to become.
  13. Whenever I feel stressed or have social anxiety I retreat into my own world by playing video games. It's a bad addiction I'm trying to kick because I can spend hours on them and not even break a sweat. Nothing feels better to me than finding a way to escape reality.
  14. I can totally relate to you. I graduated college, and it wasn't the best 4 years of my life like I expected. Like the person above said, try joining a club that you are interested in. I'm very introverted but that is how I managed to get some friends in college.
  15. I went into video game design because writing was very satisfying for me, but being in a creative field in this day and age with an introverted personality is not a good thing. Big part of why I'm depressed.
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