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ktp112

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  1. I'm stuck in a rut and have been for a while. I was diagnosed earlier this year with depression and anxiety and have been taking Wellbutrin since October 2013, but I'm starting to think depression might only be part of my problem. I'm 22 and in my fourth year of college, but still have 1.5 years at least before I get my Creative Writing degree. In 2011 I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and had a serious resection surgery in December of 2012, despite all of this I have tried to stick with college but have been floundering since my diagnosis. In the year of college before being diagnosed and I was able to get a 4.0. I did this despite putting in minimal effort, showing up late for classes and often having to come up with excuses to get credit for late assignments or missed appointments. But now I'm struggling to keep above the 2.8 I need to keep my scholarships. My habits have stayed the same, and I know I need to change something, but I can't seem to do anything. Any attempt at keeping a planner or leaving myself sticky notes I end up giving up within a week because I forget. My parents keep insisting that I'm just lazy or maybe I just "don't care about college" and that I should be able to flip the switch and succeed if I really wanted to. But I can't! If the stress of an upcoming deadline isn't there, I cannot focus. And now that I'm suffering from a chronic illness and depression, sometimes I can't focus even when I know something is due. I have always considered myself to be smarter than most people, but I was also different. While my brother would work all night every night, reading textbooks, starting homework the day he got it, studying diligently for tests, I was able to skate by without doing any of those things. I procrastinated every chance I got, oftentimes staying up all night to start and finish an assignment the day it was due and I would never study for tests aside from cramming minutes before. Despite all of this, I achieved a 3.6 GPA in high school, taking and passing multiple AP courses/tests and exceeding expectations in all of my other classes. My parents always said I was really smart but didn't try hard enough to live up to my full potential and growing up, they'd always criticize me for being lazy or apathetic when it comes to schoolwork or getting a job. I really do want to get my degree and I enjoy Creative Writing, I'm just unable to make the sustained effort to do so. I'm meeting with the school psychiatrist and have an appointment to test for ADHD on the 1st, but in the meantime I'm just miserable. Most of my classes are too far-gone to salvage a passing grade and I'm afraid to face the professors because of all the classes I've missed. I feel like I'm rotting away and wasting more of my parents money and I can't do anything about it. They're not the type to be supportive or accepting of any sort of mental illness (it took a ton of convincing for them to even acknowledge I have depression) and they're threatening to take away all financial support if my grades are poor this semester. I'm so overwhelmed and stressed... I just need someone to tell me that I'm not lazy and hopeless like my parents think I am.
  2. Thank you so much for your response. That's the advice that I've gotten from a lot of people. I just don't know if I want to stop attending school right now. I have almost no money to my name, no steady job and nowhere to go after this semester. I mean, I could go back and spend another year with my parents, but I've done that before and it ends up doing more harm than good because they're really unsupportive when it comes to my health. They don't understand "having to take a pill to make me happy" and they feel that they've already spent too much money on me with hospital bills, tuition, room and board, etc. and are sure to let me know that they feel that way. I also worry that if I stop my schooling now, I'll never go back, and I really don't want that.
  3. Soooo, I'm sorry for the novel, but this is the story of the past four years of my life and I feel that it's all relevant to how I'm feeling... I'm a college student, 22 years old and still stuck on year two of my education. I have been in college since I graduated high school, and now my friends are all starting to graduate and I'm still not anywhere near getting my degree. I was diagnosed with depression, Crohn's Disease, have social anxiety and oftentimes have troubles getting the motivation to get out of bed, let alone complete my coursework. My parents don't understand what I'm going through, and frankly, don't seem to care. They think I'm just being lazy and that maybe college isn't for me and are threatening to withhold all financial help for the coming year unless I succeed this year (I'm set to fail several classes). I make it to class sometimes and my depression seems to be up-and-down, but at this point in the semester, the amount of missed material has become so overwhelming that I'm afraid to go to class or talk to my professors about it, making my depression even worse. I've always kind of struggled with keeping motivated, but now with a strained relationship with my parents, a chronic illness, depression, anxiety, etc. It's becoming impossible to get into my schoolwork, and now it might be too late. After going off to college, I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease as symptoms started to show themselves (because of increased stress, maybe?) and I had my first major flare up the summer after my freshman year. I did fine before I was diagnosed, but since, I have been an absolute wreck. To illustrate my point: Before being diagnosed my college GPA was 4.0 and since I haven't been able to manage more than a 2.8. Sophomore year was the best of my post-diagnosis studies, but I only took the minimal amount of credits and frequently missed class. My third year, however, was a complete disaster. I went to school despite suffering with pretty bad pains from my Crohn's that only got worse as the semester went on. A few months in I had developed an abscess and fistula and was in constant serious pain. I didn't want to let my parents down and didn't want to take a break from school, so I saw a GI doc hoping to get something to cope with the pain until I could take care of it. He gave me access to essentially unlimited oxycodone, which I used for the rest of the semester before finally having an intestinal resection surgery. Stupidly, I wanted to go back to school two weeks after my surgery, and my parents allowed me to do so. This turned out to be a terrible decision and I stopped attending classes within weeks, struggling with a depressive mood, opiate dependence and lingering pain from my surgery. My parents caught on and drove (300+ miles) to come take me away from it all, but didn't tell me they were coming and it ended up being more of a kidnapping. They took me off all of my medications (including an antidepressant), forced me to quit my pain medication cold turkey, and tried to "cleanse" my body. I sat at home for the rest of that semester "recovering," which basically involved sitting on the couch in an empty house, getting stoned and hating my life. I worked all that summer, and felt well enough to go back to school in fall of 2013. Things didn't get better, though. I still had troubles getting myself out of bed in the morning, procrasting on my schoolwork sometimes not even completing it, and missing classes. I was officially diagnosed with depression about halfway through the semester and, after a battle with my parents, started taking bupropion. I limped through the rest of the semester using what motivation I got from the honeymoon effect to pass all of my classes but one. When I was home for Christmas break, my father gave me an ultimatum: succeed in the coming semester and start "caring" enough to go to class and do schoolwork, or else they'd completely stop paying for my schooling. Well... now, here I am... The semester is coming to a close and I feel that I'm going to get something less than a 2.0... My depression causes me to miss a class or two, which in turn makes me miss material, leading to missing assignments. And then I get so overwhelmed and worried about making up what I missed, that I continue missing classes until it gets to the point where I'm feeling so down on myself that I don't want to do anything. I'm taking classes that I certainly am interested in, as I just changed my major to Creative Writing (from architecture), because I enjoy writing and because I want to reduce the stress that came from being in such a competitive field. But I just can't bring myself to get to class. Now, on top of probably losing financial support from my parents, I'm going to lose my scholarships, as my GPA has been below 3.0 for more than two semesters. I'm so stressed out and overwhelmed that I'm avoiding and lying to my parents, I'm feeling utterly hopeless as far as school goes and I'm starting to dread what the immediate future brings. My antidepressant has stopped working aside from making me feel slightly better on some days and at the moment I don't have time to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that comes with switching to a new antidepressant, as the matter of my schoolwork has become extremely pressing. I cannot afford to give up on this semester or even do poorly (even though I know I will). I've had troubles with motivation my entire life, but was able to get through high school on my smarts alone with a 3.6 GPA. I took multiple AP courses, but was putting almost no effort into them and procrastinated at every opportunity. I would often study for tests the morning of and frequently put papers and projects off until the day before they were due. Once I got to college and started having troubles with my Crohn's Disease, I was unable to sustain my lazy ways and as a result started doing poorly. I'm actually looking into whether or not I have ADD, as my work ethic, racing mind and constant disorganization are consistent with the symptoms of ADD. It would make sense because, as I implied earlier, my parents are completely against any kind of medication and wouldn't have ever considered that my inattentiveness was due to ADD, instead insisting that I am just lazy and that I don't care. I guess my problem right now is that I feel I've dug myself so deep into a hole that I won't be able to get out. My parents want me to just flip a switch and make everything better and I would love to fix all my problems, but it doesn't work like that. It takes time and I get that, but I just want to be better now and fix everything before I fail the semester. I don't have the time for all of the long term solutions that everyone suggests to me. I've been stagnant for over a year now and I just want to move on.
  4. I posted here a while back about possibly being depressed, and shortly after I went to see my university's psychiatrist and started using the school's free counselling sessions. They both confirmed that what I was going through was probably depression and the psychiatrist prescribed me generic Wellbutrin XL 300mg which I started about 10 days ago. I know that it's still pretty early, but it seems like everything has gotten worse. The main reason I wanted to start taking an antidepressant was because I was struggling to keep up with school due to depression, which caused a pretty significant lack of interest in schoolwork. Yet I haven't noticed any positive effects from taking it, and time is getting short. I really can't afford to do poorly this semester, but it's more than halfway over and I still spend all day in bed and have to try extremely hard to even muster the energy to start any of my schoolwork. Since starting the Wellbutrin, I've noticed that I've become more tense and agitated, often getting really angry out of nowhere. I'm constantly clenching my jaw and my mind is racing even more than it was before I started. I've also lost a ton of sleep and can't get tired until 4am or later, and even then it takes forever for me to fall asleep. The insomnia is hurting my schoolwork even more because it saps all the energy from me and makes me even less motivated to go to class. I really need to fix this as soon as possible because I just can't fall any more behind on my schoolwork and I don't know what I'm going to do with my life if I do poorly after this year, as I'm not sure if I'll be able to return. Is this going to get any better? Because it just seems to be getting worse.
  5. Thanks for all the support and for answering my questions. It'll be nice to have somewhere to go for support and to vent every once in a while... Especially with people who can understand and relate. As you can probably tell, I don't have much in the way of positive support and understanding in my life... Especially from my family. If I can manage to, I'd really like to get on some sort of medication. When I took Celexa, it seemed to work pretty well for a while, but out of nowhere it just stopped working, but from what I've read, that's a pretty common occurrence and it just takes some experimenting to figure out what antidepressant works best.
  6. Thanks so much for the welcome and thank you for your response. I do realize that smoking isn't a good solution for stress, and I wouldn't say I'm to the point of being addicted right now, it's just a way to escape and feel a bit better momentarily. It's also not good at all for my Crohn's so I'm trying to keep it to a minimum. Also, I'm only barely hanging on in school and my parents have threatened to take away the money they contribute for my schooling because they think I don't care enough to be here. Honestly, I'd be on academic probation if it weren't for health related withdrawals. I came into this year with the mentality that I wasn't going to get behind at all and wasn't going to procrastinate, but I just plain can't help but fall behind. I haven't been to a counselor, but am planning to schedule an appointment at some point this week, and I've taken celexa before, but it seemed to stop working and I was taken off of it. I don't know if medication is really a possibility for me, though, as my parents insist that I "shouldn't need a pill to make me be happy" and I'm on their insurance. I'm currently taking a multivitamin, a B12 supplement, a vitamin D supplement as well as probiotics and a medication for managing my Crohn's. Every time I suggest an anti-depressant or any other form of medication to my parents, they take over and refuse to let me on it. I'm six months out of my breakup and until I got back to school I hadn't seen her since we split. I have no doubt that once I can get things back on track, I'll be able to turn it around and succeed in school, I'm just getting really worried and anxious about right now, because I absolutely CANNOT manage to struggle like this for another semester.
  7. Okay, so I've had Crohn's Disease for about 3 years now, well, I was diagnosed 3 years ago, and things just haven't been the same since. I've been really struggling with what I think might be depression and maybe anxiety on top of everything that comes with having Crohn's Disease (nausea, pain, constant tiredness etc). I'm also currently taking classes at the University of Idaho, studying architecture, something I've wanted to do all my life. In the past year or so, I've been depressed on and off, but it's noticeably worse when I'm in school, and I've also gone through a major surgery for my Crohn's Disease which had me in and out of the hospital for several months. I feel like I'm getting a bit better from a social angle, as a couple of months ago, I had no self-identity and was fearing every single social situation, but now I'm starting to have a bit more fun with life. This is my fourth year of school, but due to health concerns, I'm still taking second year classes and am still falling behind. In high school I was on top of everything and was able to do really well, even in tough AP classes. But now that I'm in college, I just can't seem to get myself motivated. I put off homework all the time and when I finally get to it (usually well past the due date) it still takes a ridiculous amount of mental discipline to start, let alone finish. I am usually a slow starter, and historically I'm a procrastinator, but it's never gotten to the point where I can't bring myself to do it. It's not that I don't care, because I've been EXTREMELY anxious and bothered by the fact that I'm falling behind, I just can't bring myself to do it for who knows why. I did go through a breakup recently and it had a pretty profound emotional effect on me (and still does because I see her fairly frequently) but I don't really know if that has much to do with it. I've also taken up smoking to cope with the stress and am constantly looking for things to distract me from how miserable I feel and how far behind I'm getting. I really can't afford (financially, emotionally) to just stop classes and my family is more of a hindrance than a help. I'm not sure what's going on, because I worked all summer and loved it and I feel like I'm starting to get some of my mental health back... I just don't know...
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