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Everything posted by skinnymaybelle

  1. Thank you apple bloom, He's been selected as a juror for a trial which may take a month or so - therefore in the interim I sent him sunflowers last week... he was so surprised, so happy...he said he's never received flowers before so it was kind of a shock but a nice shock. Today he was at court and he gave me a key to his place a couple of days ago so during my lunchbreak I popped over to his, made his bed, dropped off a roast for dinner and a couple of mags, 1 in particular on his favourite type of cars. Got a text as soon as he got home... he was wrapped... apparently made his day as he was feeling down. I've discussed a day trip fishing charter with him... again it's something he really likes and enjoyed the last time I got a deal for him and his brother. So will be looking at that once his jury service has finished. He seems a lil more positive then he used to be but he still drinks too much and said a lot of the time he wakes up in the morning and wishes he hadn't... I'm just trying to show him the positives and fun things in life and hopefully they'll have some affect, otherwise I'll just keep on trucking along with the positives until his mood changes -and i'm aware that could be a very long time. For me i'm not just trying to take care of my own family but gardening and walking and going out helps me with my depression also... I don't see it as another caretaker role - it's two friends with depression doin fun things together which restores some positives in my life. Otherwise if i'm not helping someone I get too much downtime to think about my dad, about my children's loss also - the loss of their father, their uncle and their granddad all this year. I think of the guilt of leaving the kids father and breaking his heart and him dying within a year off our separation... I think that he was getting better, getting over the depression and wanted the kids for the second weekend since we separated but they were sick and I couldn't risk their daddy getting sick or his sister and her family so I said no. I left the cellphone in the car that weekend - he left some really scathing rude messages wanting to talk to his kids. I didn't get them till the Monday about 8.30am. He had past away at 5am... so neither him nor the kids got to speak to each other prior. So I need distractions of helping others or I could sink again into depression+guilt.
  2. So basically she has an issue with age and she is dogging you because she's insecure about the age difference.
  3. How do they find it on there own though, you start lacking the energy to do things or think positively...etc. I've put no pressure on him to get back together, we text or email daily if we don't see each other... he asks how I'm doin, I ask how he is and what he's done etc. I surprised him yesterday with lunch... he doesn't live that far from where I work. He hadn't made his bed, hadn't gotten out of the clothes from the day before or showered or even brushed his teeth. He still drinks till he passes out at night. The other day he did say to me that he barely eats but knows he should be taking care of himself and should look at getting some multivitamins or something...I said that would be an awesome idea and if he likes I would get him some of the vege smoothie powder I take - I've ordered it and am waiting - he's looking forward to it... it's helped give me a huge burst of energy and I exercise a lot more too. They say a good diet and exercise is suppose to help??? We'll see. Even though he hadn't done ur normal daily routines ie. getting changed, showered etc I didn't stick my nose up at him or even judge him harshly, even though he bought it up multiple times... I just sat down beside him, handed him lunch and asked wat he was watching on tv. He showed me round the exterior of the house and that he'd painted the fence all on his own and he wanted to make a deck and what did I think. Yeap I have my own life but I need some time out from taking care of all the family needs all the time and work lol. It has always been in my nature to help others, my mother told me years ago - we don't just leave people because they are sick! I thought I might try making time to do things together once a week - give him something to look forward to each week...something to anticipate and see if that helps. ie, going to the movies, car rallys, small bush walk and picnic, just to get out of the house and get some sunlight and air and to give me a break from the family for a short period. Even invite him ova for dinner once or twice a week - if not more?
  4. This has probably been posted elsewhere on here under a different title. An ex with severe clinical depression has been seeing a counsellor and is back on his meds but still has no spark, no motivation. He's lost his job and he's recovering from a lung infection he's had for almost 11months on and off. He knows he's missing "the spark" but doesn't know how to get it back or "find it again" as he said. How do I motivate him about life, about finding a job, about his kids about anything? He has a fairly new 4bedroom house, 2 vehicles, a large garage... so is secure but thinks he has absolutely nothing. He hates being on his own... and I can't be with him - I have 2kids of my own who lost their dad in July and I moved back in with my parents to give them stability. Unfortunately I'm now supporting them and my mother as my dad past away unexpectedly last week. His son's live with their mother on the other side of town. How do I help motivate????
  5. Climber 1, Do you have any hobbies or friends as distractions this weekend? I'm not one for exercise... in fact I usually tell people I'm allergic but if you can (cause I remember u saying sometimes your sciatica plays up) find something physical to do - ie. boxing, running... again just another distraction from the current situation. Your girlfriend sounds like she is reacting the way she does because she is jealous - maybe in her mind rightfully so. Back away from your friend... let her know that you need to concentrate on your girlfriend right now and see what happens. You and your girlfriend got together for a reason.... what was it. This time away from your friend may help strengthen your confidence in your girlfriend and your relationship. She may feel more relaxed and you may see things in a different light - ie. she can/does make you happy. Friends can come back together as friends after a stretch of time as though nothing had even happened... no time had passed. if she truly is a good friend she will not make you feel guilty about this either. Use anon forums such as this one and your counsellor to confide in....other's may not be that supportive and their entitled to their opinion/s but there are those of us that will support you regardless your choice. I'll be on to check on ur feedback every 24hrs unless something drastic happens. Good luck and the biggest hugs.
  6. Rotate then....when I say this I mean - let ur girlfriend pick the next thing and your friend the next thing afta that. Alternatively pick something u enjoy, invite them both and see who would be interested. I would have assumed if u picked they'd both show - regardless of their feelings towards each other... I mean they're suppose to care about you not freakin make u pick between them - which is ultimately what's happening here, isn't it? Your girlfriend could be jealous - ur friendship with this girl seems to be very important to you and yes I totally get that she has known u longer then ur girlfriend, accepted all your querks up until recently and helped u thru some tough stuff which leaves your girlfriends position threatened (well from your girlfriends perspective anyway). It irks me that they've both put u in this position considering they know ur querks and that this could depress u...how inconsiderate of both them.
  7. I don't know the depths of others depression but for me sometimes having an understanding partner/friends helped pull me out of my "funk". They've come to know the part of me who isolates herself and is easily annoyed and dragged me out to do things... sometimes that's all it took. Sometimes it annoyed me more and they backed off. They've waited sometimes till I broke out of my own funk because they couldn't help me. They've always made it clear that they are here for me, to talk to, to spend time with, just to go out and do something with them.... (all except the last pratt but I believe that he has multiple mental issues). It actually puts a smile on my face wen I've come thru a depressive episode to see and hear and to know these people are there for me.... care enuff about me to want to be there for me. just saying.
  8. It's awesome that u aren't about to take the blame for everything... I think a major problem with everyone I know that has depression either blames themselves for everything or nothing and that's just wrong. Fingers crossed it goes well... can tell from the way u wrote ur last message that u are feeling stronger - again that's another positive. Just remember not to blame urself for it all if things go south....it's not all ur fault ok. Ouch sciatica-sorry just hurts thinking about it and I don't have it. Fingers crossed and good luck. Wishing the best for you.
  9. The guy who is married came to town... and came to my workplace on Wed. I took a half day... went out to grab lunch and explained face to face i was not interested. I asked him to concentrate on his wife and his pre-schoolers. I told him I would cut all contact if he continued down this path. He thanked me for my honesty and told me he had things to think about. i wasn't goin to have this discussion at work where the walls are paper thin and every second person there knows him too. That night i get a text. He has been offered a job in a town closer to me. It's a long daily commute there and back but better money and shorter hours, plus other work perks. If however she threatens to leave him again he will be looking for a place in his new work town on his own. i have not responded, I'm not going to. i've had enuff of this cr&p. As for no.2 he's gone quiet which is great for me. I know that my partners have all been friends prior to me actually dating them - because I don't just jump straight into the dating scene, I prefer to get to know them in a manner thats comfortable for me - in otherwords friendship first, and i thought about all the qualities my exes have liked but for the most part they are qualities that i extend to most people, ie. listening more then giving them advice, not judging them for crying on my shoulder, cooking occasionally, encouraging and supporting them - thru depression, thru giving up drugs/alcohol/cigarettes...etc and pursuing an education, just hanging out with no strings attached....etc. This is just who i am and now that i'm past my funk I'm P***** with both of them.
  10. anything??? or anything that would paint her in a bad light in their eyes or anything to do with your sex life? Does she confide in her friends about your relationship? What is it you can't confide in her? is it something that is likely to hurt, disappoint, possibly destroy your relationship with her? Is it something that would require her help and therefore you feel weaker and as though you are annoying her with something more. i ask because i have been here too.... i know what mine was. it wasn't hard to confide in friends... they had been there for me longer then my partners, they had seen me through depression, they had always shown support, they knew the hardships i had been thru, my history. They are close enough for me to consider them brothers and a few sisters from other mothers and fathers. Is she jealous of your friends or a particular friend? Why do you think she's jealous of your friends. Feeling like someone's possession - that's just saddening and from experience i know how you feel. Good luck.
  11. think about what could go right then. I thought that's what friends do, you care about one another, you invest time and effort into your friendship. Friends are other brothers or sisters from other mothers or fathers... that's how I look at it - they've become family and without mine I would surely have sunk further into depression. Don't forget about your girlfriend also - she may need attention to lol.
  12. usually "and..." or "yeah ur boys told me already" or "so that's why u packed a sh(t when xxxx wouldn't..." or "yeah, so, so do I". I guess it's just in the men I pick - although in saying that the last one was a prize pratt... but the others have been a lot better then him. Along with this I get an arm put round me and a hug or hand on mine or a light punch to the shoulder...etc. They have all had some form of education in regards to depression, one has attempted suicide before we met - when the mother of his kids walked out on him, another had a mother who suffered from mental illness and had attempted suicide on multiple occasions, another- cousin who hung herself whilst pregnant to her grandmothers boyfriend - she was 15, another who found his brother hanging- because they're parents had separated and gotten back together and separated etc, another whose sister had postnatal depression.... I don't believe their behaviour towards me eva changed... I would have thought those that had experienced the worst side of depression would have thought I was crazy or would be too much hard work - cause they'd have to make sure I wasn't going to "off myself" but no... they still pursued relationships with me... I guess it's all in the getting to know them first and picking men who seem / are considerate, caring all the good qualities. i'd suggest just getting out there - it's blardy hard but if we don't put ourselves out there we will neva give anyone that deserves us the opportunity to find us... I've joined Win Tsun - martial arts (flagged that after a few months), I've been to sports clubs, rugby, cricket etc with friends and or their, family, joined forums for meet ups - where u make friends and as soon as they find out your single they try to set u up with their brother or their cousin etc lol, or work colleagues (all male) go to the bar and meet up with their friends ...which leads to ... mates have dragged me to parties - I tend to slip out the back or hide in a corner most of the time if I can but they tend to drag me up to the tables etc to sit with them and join the group etc. Yes even medicated I can loose interest in things but I do come out of the funk mostly with the help of my friends/family....sometimes I can be stuck in the funk for awhile and they can't break it - so they just wait it out but they'll always let me know they are there if I need anything. (except those family members like my kids aunt, my mum...etc - they just don't get depression, but they are still there if I need them... just can't talk to them about depression). Before you lost interest in activities/things what did you enjoy? Sometimes taking a second look at what used to interest us may (not saying it will) spark interest in that activity again... there may be a group in ur neighbourhood that you can join???
  13. I don't do short term relationships if I can help it... I've always been friends with the guys I've dated... I'd prefer to get to know them first and them to know me... I'm pretty straight up about depression and throughout the friendship stage I've let them know about it... I didn't choose to have depression, if I hide it I know it could make things complicated and friends or family could accidently tell my new partner/ partner to be before me - which would feel kinda dishonest on my part for holding something big from them. besides if we are goin to go down the relationship path u need to know why sometimes I don't want to do things and I isolate myself and have mood swings....etc. I've lost interest in activities many times... but each week at least 2 friends or family members (cause a lot of them know each other) call or message or show up. If I'm down I swear I feel sometimes like they plan to drag me out to things and many times it breaks the "funk" of my depression and i'm happy and enjoy myself. Other times partners just leave me alone to get past my depression which can last awhile and then they just treat me normally like nothing has happened.
  14. Bizzaro - I have two lil brothers and a dad and I'd like to think that they are better then that, being led around by their manly bits LOL. I haven't done anything to my knowledge that would encourage them but i'm a chick and I don't actually know if I've done something to encourage them without realising it. LOL I obviously don't know them that well cause look what's happened... Guess I just assumed - being family+friends that they just wouldn't even think about things like that with another family+friend member. one of these men I have taken care of since he was knee high. Both have depression, the married guy actually was becoming aggressive at home and work and has to take a fairly large dose of citalopram + sees a shrink once a week. The other I have tried to talk to about getting off the alcohol and drugs and seeing a doc ...getting actual meds for his depression and maybe look at doin a course in something that interests him (he's unemployed).
  15. Attractive qualities, I have self esteem issues and do not believe im good looking... so it can't be that. I haven't had depression all my life but I can tell u wat my partners have told me.... they like the fact: a) I smiled a lot b) I was easy to talk to and I listened - they knew this cause most of the time i'd ask questions relating to the topics they were discussing... 1/2 the time I knew the answers already lol c) I love playing with kids or playing with their young silbings, friends kids, nephews and nieces etc. d) I apparently (and I don't actually believe this myself) gave off an air of confidence (the latest pratt I was with - reckon I walked with confidence). e) I could laugh with the boys at boy things like Jeff getting his manly bits stuck in his fly etc f) I can eat like a trooper - I'm not goin to starve myself just cause we're goin for a meal, I have no problems eating comfortably... this was a big one for some reason with most of the guys. Don't eat like a piggy though lol. g) I can cook (this was another big one lol). h) If the boys could do it - I could do it... ok maybe not standing up to pee but if they were goin to the armory/paintballs or hunting/fishing then I was goin too and I'd do everything I could to match my mates at this. I)the last guy I was with also fed me some bull about the way I smelt... even wen I was sweaty and thought it smelt horrid - he loved that, smell ewwww. None of them thought I was ugly... size 10, green eyes, dye my hair red, fair skin, taller then average apparently. Wen I started dressing like a woman for work in heels and peplum dresses etc a lot more men took a lot more notice. As for me - I found the ones I lasted longer with - love kids, families. They all cared about others, where shy, had issues ie. not good upbringings, friendly, funny. They've ranged in all different nationalities, from Chinese, Samoan, European, Rarotongan.... I've neva picked someone solely on looks - but they've all been cute in their own way to me.
  16. Awesum... sounds stupid but I'm so proud of you...especially the marathon (ekkkkk - I'm allergic to almost all exercise so "props to you mate")... As for things goin well with ur friend - that's another big O for Awesum. I know it's difficult from experience wen ur best friends fall out with you and u have no idea why so I'm happy things are getting back on track for u guys. Everything sounds a lot more simple wen written but in reality things can be as u say - not easy. Good luck with everything.
  17. Lauren I am so sorry for your loss. I almost lost my father this year. I lost the father of my kids (several months after we separated, 17yrs together) in July.... I feel so so guilty - he was a good man, full of love and he missed his kids so much, he was just starting to come right and had his kids for the first time 1 weekend before he died. My mother met with his (father of my kids) sister about 3weeks after the funeral. They both sat in front of me saying cr*p like, no I didn't cry at the funeral and I don't understand why others would unless they feel guilty about something that went down between them and him. I was so P*****... did anyone forget I loved this man 1/2 my life, he lived with his other sister for the past months that we were separated and she has been crying and feeling so depressed and I have his kids who look just like him and won't have a father in their lives now! These are people who you think should support you, who know you have depression and yet can be sooo freakin heartless!!! They will neva understand depression as much as they say they do.. unless they experience it themselves. Therapy, meds and I've found exercise (which I say I'm allergic to - but I walk to work or home ... 1/2hr walk) just to get that down time and appreciate the trees that are in blossom, and the grass between my toes, the smell of jasmine or freesias... shapes in the clouds... it sounds lame but it is just down time where I don't have to think of anything just appreciate everything around me. It also sounds lame but I cry at night before I sleep and sometimes I talk to him as though he were here. I'll also add that I've found it incredibly helpful to help others who miss him just as much as I do... his cousins who I've known since they were in nappies and used to care for are so heart broken and sometimes they need someone to talk to, someone who doesn't mind letting them talk or just cry...I am unsure why but I am happy in the knowledge that these men feel comfortable enuff crying infront of me wen they feel they can't infront of others...I think it's a good thing - if they need to cry to let them instead of judging them as less of a man for doin so.
  18. Don't have anyone to talk to but here. I don't trust my family to talk to - it's hard enuff just dealing with the fact my mother has said just harden up and that I need to get off that sh*t... referring to my meds for depression. I feel- if my main support person or who I have always thought should be my main support person (my mum) can't support me thru that then she won't for something this embarrassing.... and yes it's embarrassing. I love my mum don't get me wrong but I have always felt that she does not approve of me having so many male friends and I feel like she doesn't trust me with them unless I'm in a long term relationship and my partner is with me or knows them. I don't understand why... she has known all my life right from preschool that I tended to hang out with the boys and play trucks, dislike dresses etc. As for my friends - I have to careful who I tell because they will hunt these two down and beat them... I am lucky that I had not introduced my last ex to them because they still want to find him and hurt him for the way he treated me and my kids. (bit over protective my lot.). 7seconds... but these are my friends or are suppose to be friends+family....
  19. Since the father of my kids died and I separated from my last guy I have had a couple of men (i'm a tom boy) hit on me... these are suppose to be family and friends... one is married with kids. I've asked them both to stop, I've reminded them of their obligations and that I'm not interested... but I feel like I've done something to give them the wrong message. I have not mentioned sex, anything provocative or that I'm freakin free game / meat. I don't flick my hair or act coy, girly. Have I done something wrong, if so what and if not that means just because I'm single they do see me as free game - which actually saddens me even more cause these are family + friends so what were they thinking of me b4 all this.
  20. hey climber1, Sorry been a bit awol lately. How's it all goin? Memba - that's just one possibility (her having feelings for you), there are probably 101 other reasons we haven't thought of too. Don't over think it - she's a friend, and u are with someone.
  21. Climber1 I am on the same wavelength as one of your mates. Does she fancy you? I wouldn't ask her outright that would just embarrass her and make ur relationship even more difficult but I've been on every side of this equation (in your position - stuck in the middle more than once).
  22. Are you sure your friends feelings towards u haven't changed and that she suggests u bring ur girlfriend on all ur dates etc so nothing will happen?
  23. Is it just me? Is it depression? I have family and friends around me all the time. People who say they care, who I can see get angry wen i'm angry or happy wen I'm happy but I feel like I see them/hear them, feel the hugs but don't feel connected? I have 2 kids 5yrs +7yrs and as much as I love them and kiss and cuddle them I still feel like something is missing or hollow on the inside. I have to sit my full drivers licence within a week or start from the beginning but I just don't have the confidence. Coworkers and my ex have been in the vehicle with me and they all say I'll be fine and they know I can pass it just need to be a bit more confident...so much easier said then done. I'd prefer just to fail or not go and have to start again so I don't try and then get the disappoint of failing. Really don't know what to do or why I feel so disconnected from everyone.
  24. Since I left him, my children have not spoken to him or seen him. Any correspondence has only been between me and him. Since he screamed profanities at me last Wed I have not attempted to make any contact. He has handed in his resignation at work - not going to see thru the 1month workout period...just left. I appreciate this forum... I felt like I was abandoning someone who has an illness and I didn't want to live with the guilt of him possibly trying suicide again. I've had friends commit suicide and I felt so guilty that I hadn't been there for them. But I feel now that I have done everything I can to help him and there is nothing more I can do - unless he wants to help himself. I feel justified in walkin away... not just like I turned my back and should have done more to help him. This site, your feedback and friends have opened my eyes, thank you so much. XXX
  25. OMG I have read a number of entries in this forum and can recall more of the bad things that he has said and done which leads me to think yes I have been in a emotional/verbally abusive relationship. About a month or so after we got together he told me that his ex used to with hold sex from him.. .and if didn't get it for a week or so he'd wonder...I figured that wouldn't be a problem because with holding sex from someone I intended on being in a long term relationship was just not gonna happen. We had argued a couple of times and at one point I had told him a joke is only funny if others a lauffin with you, not if you are the only one with a snide smile on your face. Telling my 5 and 6yr old that when he marries mummy and we move to the new house he was goin to get a shovel and some lime and take them out back is not very pleasant. Telling me that the only reason he kept me around was wen my daughter got older he'd put me out to pasture and could have her... shes only 5!!!! I didn't find either funny... I took offence and wen he knew I was P***** off about these things he'd say "i'm only joking". I could have punched his face in for those things. He would growl my kids for being kids, yelling and throwing tantrums ... and then tell me I didn't know how to raise them and wasn't doing a good job and that they disrespected me and him...and he wasn't even raising his own... they'd come over and i'd feed them, i'd play with the youngest or talk to the oldest. but most of the time he was happy to just sit them infront of a PC, tv, playstation, wii. After my kids father died my son found his army knife. We had taken it away from him because he'd sliced his hand. Anyway my 6yr old pulled it out showed new man and said "look what I found, you tried to hide it from me but I found it". He didn't mean it in a nasty way. I heard some of this from the lounge and was making my way into the kitchen where they were when new man said to my son "what, you shouldn't have that, you cut yourself last time you d**k!". he said this infront of his on 5yr son as well whom my boy thinks is his best friend. Needless to say my lil man burst into tears and I took him from the room. I had to settle my son down and returned to new man and said "do you know what that was, it was the only thing that he has of his dads and his dads dead as you like to keep reminding us!" He told me I hadn't seen how my son spoke to him and that he was basically saying to him "ha ha f**k u I found the knife". I was like "he's a 6yr old boy and u just embarrassed him infront of his best friend too!". he wanted to get my kids new beds for the new house and they could decorate their rooms how they wanted and he'd get them new bikes and we'd save money at the new place cause it would be cheaper and he wanted me to spend some money on them... Seperation was new to my kids, they were upset and confused and I had a hard time letting anyone take care of them. He said to me that I spent no time with him, even though I had tried to get him to just come for a walk around the neighbourhood, or to the park or school or pond or bontanical gardes, museum, the zoo even. He didn't want to do any of these things he said I didn't make time for him and it was all about the kids. His version of time was just us two and from what I understand going out to town, parties, bars, anywhere he could dance and more importantly drink. he was jealous at work because I dealt with multiple men from different divisions... part of the job (service/system co-ordinator, administration for engineering, and health and safety manager). Now I just feel angry wen I recall all these things. Today one of my best friends reminded me about something he'd said during one of our last arguments "I f**ken own this house, i paid for it all so if i say suck me off then i expect you to suck it, now if you wanna go out and earn the big bucks then i'll do the same but you don't so .....". Grrrrrrr!!!
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