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Everything posted by Licorice

  1. I have trouble motivating myself to do things for their own sake, especially when it involves possessions or status (buy a nice car, live in a nice house, have nice things, have a respected job, be popular and well-liked). There's a lot more out there than we're led to believe, though.
  2. I'm attending what's known as an "ugly Christmas sweater" party this weekend in an attempt to start being more social. I decided I wanted to craft my own even though I have a few choice examples tucked away, so I bought a weird red sweater I found for cheap that could be decorated. I put it on first just to see what I had to work with. It looks amazing. I can't do anything right.
  3. I've dated men and women and have felt this way since I was 11. Now in my 20's.
  4. Same for me... I had a lot of plans, but found ways to lounge around instead. I managed about half an hour of distracted writing, though, and might be able to fit in a little more before bed.
  5. Post-apocalyptic themes are some of my favorites in fiction, but I think I would be significantly more depressed in a post-apocalyptic world due to my basic needs being in great danger. There would also be the loneliness factor of potentially having no one to share anything with or having to fear losing my ragtag group of survivors to the wilderness. I have noticed that getting away from the modern world as I know it has an effect, however. A few years ago I spent the weekend out in the middle of nowhere with an old friend and a few dozen strangers for a camping and concert event. Everyone set up their tents on some land behind a combination bar, bowling alley, and restaurant near farming fields, and the only other place for food was a 15-20 minute walk to a gas station with nothing else in sight on the horizon. There was no technology and nothing to worry about that wasn't a practical matter.
  6. I have to wonder sometimes what's the point of maintaining close friendships when they can vanish in an instant. Doesn't anyone talk out their problems anymore? Stephen King has talked about the writing compulsion on occasion, which I relate to but not as much as the visual way in which he writes. We both see and sense things and then try to put it into words, and uncover stories rather than plot them out in detail.
  7. I've been in a creative rut lately despite my best efforts. I lost a large part of my inspiration recently, but know that if I stop I'l regret it. I started writing when I was in early elementary school and was successful enough for my teachers to openly praise me to my parents. My mother told me when I was older that I was reading and writing at a college level in 5th grade, which I suppose may have been the upside to terrible math skills early on. I'm not sure about the writing part, but I can believe the reading because I started early and read voraciously. My father's old encyclopedias were some of my favorites and I could go through 2-4 Goosebumps books a week. I'd read my brother's fantasy novels like Shannara and The Hobbit. Not even video game guides were safe. During high school I fell into a slump and slowly stopped writing entirely. I guess it was a combination of not knowing why I was doing it beyond surface reasons and not knowing how to express my ideas. When I was a child there had been a hundred reasons, and suddenly there were none. A couple years ago I began talking to a poster on a different forum I frequent. While we were very different people personality-wise we had a lot of creative interests in common and were both aspiring writers (as a lifelong artist and freelance programmer I always thought he was the more creative one). We began sharing our work when he wanted feedback before entering a short story in a contest, and his reaction to an unfinished draft of mine inspired me to begin writing again. At first I wrote because he was my friend, because he was in pain after having a similarly abusive childhood, and because it gave him something to look forward to, but eventually it became a personal journey of discovery that reignited my drive to create. We spent hours discussing the subject of writing as well as the relationships human beings have with fiction and writing, which is something I've never met someone interested in before. I have a whole shelf full of special books with author's notes on the subject that were the first exposure I ever had to someone with my feelings. There were periods before discovering those notes where I thought I was immature, overimaginative, or mentally ill for feeling the way I did. We spent entire evenings brainstorming together. We came up with new ideas, thought-provoking questions, and creative breakthroughs. He offered to illustrate one of my projects free of charge and I started thinking about the possibility of working as a team if we ever wanted to publish instead of share online in the spirit of the free online stories we enjoyed as children. Then it stopped. Just stopped. When he first slipped off the radar and stopped logging into Skype, appearing on forums, or signing onto other accounts for almost two months, I feared the worst because of his occasional mention of suicide. We were regularly in contact and thinking of each other offline, though there was (confirmed untrue) nothing romantic going on. While searching for emergency contact information or anything to give me a sign of what may have happened I found that he was coming online, just not anywhere we'd see each other. I sent a message expressing my concern as well as my fear that something may have happened to him and was ignored. It's been three months now. I can't believe that I don't even get an acknowledgement. I don't get to know if I'm being punished or if I'm simply expendable. I want to keep writing because the reasoning behind it is good. I recognize what a therapeutic and special medium fiction can be when it comes to things like loneliness, mental health, and neglect or abuse, and want to write for children, young adults, and adults with a strong inner child. I believe it's possible to make a difference this way, or at least I did when I was seeing that difference almost every day in my friend. I just can't seem to get moving and stop second-guessing myself.
  8. I only have two friends offline and they may move in the near future, since they're living much more active lives than I am. I was able to make a number of friends when I was younger simply because we had so many reasons to be together and so much mutual need for each other, but as they've moved out of state or further away we've drifted and I haven't filled in the spaces. It happened so slowly as to be almost unnoticeable until I got to the point where I was often spending weekends alone, and not by choice. Ironically, I think my saving grace when I was younger was that I was an emotional mess and it wasn't hard to see. My biggest problem as an adult is that I'm reserved and more interested in thoughts than feelings in a world where people bond over emotion and the sharing of personal details. I'm viewed as disinterested, mysterious, aloof, and a number of other things even when I don't think I'm behaving that way because I'm sharing quite a few thoughts and ideas, especially on the topic of what other people are saying. Even with the friends I still talk to, the numerous gaps in communication due to periods of isolation have changed things. When they went to separate colleges they met new social groups while discovering new interests with the old, and I've always been the one who wasn't big on parties, clubs, and noisy social outings. I'm a little out of touch with the people they are now.
  9. My goals this week are to: 1) Finish this short story. I need to write the second half and then edit. 2) Spend at least half an hour a day studying before finals even if I feel awful.
  10. I think my biggest supporter is a friend I met through gaming who also doubles as an occasional tutor since we're in the same general field of study. We deal with our emotions in the same way, so I feel that it's okay to suffer without doing so either in silence or openly. I can talk if I need to or say nothing and still be understood and respected, with no dismissive or flippant comments. I'm not very expressive and am more interested in thoughts than in feelings, which tends to make me misunderstood by and cause communication difficulties with my peers. It's nice to not be viewed as cold, mysterious, disinterested, or dysfunctional for being this way. I'm not ashamed of my emotions, broken, self-loathing, disinterested, uncaring, scheming, apathetic, dysthemic, or any other problems people turn to in order to explain why I'm not like them and why I don't like openly displaying my feelings and personal thoughts. I just don't show them openly for the same reasons I don't show off my naked body, my baby pictures, or my sleeping space. One of the things I regularly struggle with is motivation and not letting my frame of mind affect my daily life too much. He's an older computer engineer who, despite being unmarried with his own set of mental health issues, loves his work, his family (and is a fantastic uncle), and manges to keep it all together. It's become a standard of strength and responsibility I hold myself to even when I don't particularly care about what I'm doing.
  11. I don't tell people anything about anything.
  12. I think it's natural if you're missing physical contact to hold something. I'll squeeze pillows sometimes.
  13. Yeah, that certainly doesn't 'bode' well... I'm at the same place as Root, really. I considered looking into groups of common interest, but not only are they hard to find for me... but not many people have an interest in trying to form new relationships, it's true. At least... not many people I come into contact with. This problem actually bothers me more than most... because having ANY kind of social connection would at least get me on my feet more, but I feel like there's not much helping it. What interests are you trying to meet people over? I've been getting a little desperate, myself. I've been trying to publish more short stories online and interact more with the communities I write for just so that I have somthing regular to invest time into.
  14. I tend to spend the weekends alone, but I think I feel less upset because I have the whole week at work to interact with people. I do get a little down when I think about how I used to always spend weeknights and weekends with friends in middle and high school. I've fallen out of the habit of being actively social. Are you in college or post-college? I think these are the ages where many people already have established social groups and social preferences, so they're not as available as they were back in their earlier schooldays. A few years ago I was talking to some old high school acquaintences who openly said that they're not as interested in making friends as they used to be because they already have all they need. Which doesn't bode well for people who don't, of course... but I'm sure there's quite a few people out there who've lost some, changed interests or lifestyles, etc.
  15. I finished this year also, though it was a major drag near the end. I think one of my major motivations in writing is actually being able to edit so that I can look back over what I've written and say, "Heck yeah!"
  16. I don't have children and don't particularly want them. I don't even feel like an adult myself and I don't know how I'd fare having them in the home all the time (I was never good with pets). However, I do like children and teens and sympathize with their struggles, so I want to be involved as an author, tutor, or a volunteer assisting organizations that aid them. Not a lot gets to me the way little kids do. I remember having to turn away and silently cry in a lecture when our instructor was retelling some of her experiences as a counselor for the section on parent-child grief.
  17. I prefer relaxing, uplifting music rather than something to fit the mood. is a recent favorite.
  18. Wouldn't a few meetup groups provide at least a few outings a month? I think acquaintanceships could quickly begin to add up and develop into the kind of relationship where it's acceptable to have someone over for lunch or visit outside of the group. They're only the initial platforms for meeting, after all, and having something to look forward to mght help with feelings of hopelessness. It's hard when you don't know when the next time you have a reason to leave the house is. I'm still in college where new people are plentiful, but have no idea how to go about building up an active social life myself. My results seem disproportionate to my efforts, especially when I look at my classmates. "Outsider" is a feeling I'm all too familiar with. Sometimes it seems like there's no social death sentence quite like being a reserved (not shy, which is endearing and cute) female. The most we can do is explore what's available until we get a good sense of what we can do.
  19. I miss phone alarms I could simply hit against the side of my bed to turn off.
  20. Would having a schedule help? Harder to beat yourself up over scheduled downtime...
  21. The IT guys labeled all the printers with their IP address, subnet mask, and default gateway. Cute little nametags for machines!
  22. If you don't have the strength to give to others, it's fine to only lean for the time being. I'm a strong collectivist, but even I don't think you're obligated to be answering forum posts when you barely have enough for yourself. I'm afraid I can't advise you on matters of trust and care, though, since I mostly get by by finicky judgment and luck. One of my longtime online friends and creative partners recently disappeared after mentioning suicide, so in a panic I tried to hunt for some clue as to what happened to him. I found that he'd been active on a couple of his social media websites and sent a message to confirm his safety, but two weeks later I haven't recieved so much as an acknowledgement and am apparently without value. Life goes on. I won't let anyone take my work away from me no matter how much it hurts or how empty it feels, and I usually judge well.
  23. Double-standards from within the LGBT community itself. Seeking support and trying to feel like part of the whole when I see prejudice, hatred, and rejection of my letter.
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