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Everything posted by Licorice

  1. I hate the editing process of writing because it's hard to keep track of my progress and how my time is being spent. Putting the actual words down is easy and tangible, with word counts and pages, but measuring how much has been edited and how correct it is isn't as straightforward. Nonetheless, that's been most of my morning so far.
  2. Why does my dad keep giving me seniors vitamins?
  3. I'm trans and am also afraid of how people perceive me when it comes to dating, as I'm still pretty clearly female and don't know where to go from here. I have wide hips, large breasts, and a very soft, girly voice, which is about as far from male as you can get. That's all people see when they look at me right now, and it's not exactly attracting people who are open-minded to the reality even if I felt like opening up to love. My last relationship ended because of this, which added to my fear of being seen as just a defective woman or a wannabe man who can't fit into any normal social interaction.
  4. Going out on a limb here, but is it possible that something you're missing is connection? I think that, as important as our personal sense of who we are and what we stand for is, the sense of how we relate to others and where we belong socially also helps to define us. Without knowing that, I think some people might feel overeager for a relationship which is considered a major element of one's life socially. Relationships often turn into marriages and family, which many consider their primary responsibility in life and where they belong first and foremost. Just thinking over here.
  5. I've found that this helps a lot. It's easy to blame yourself when your life doesn't turn around fast enough, but human beings are too complicated to have an easy on-off switch. Every step counts, though, even if it's only a better understanding of what's going wrong.
  6. I'm too tired. I see your scream and raise you a melodramatic sigh.
  7. Listening to Pandora radio and getting some writing done. I've been shooting for 2k a day and only sometimes hitting that goal.
  8. Java chocolate chip muffin while I wait for lunchtime.
  9. I've knocked things over when just waking up. Hope you can get back to sleep.
  10. If there are LGBT people who are not male, female, trans, or androgynous, and who have a deep need for an alternative label, I cannot find them anywhere online. All I am is a few lines on a Wikipedia page, several websites with tentative definitions, and a few blogs where people ask for definitions and talk about how they dress or behave - that's all other people need when my very body and the gendered interactions I'm forced into one way or another are wrong. Everyone else has something. Articles, books (there are books on parenting transgender children!), debates on terminology, discussions of different life paths, riveting stories of overcoming struggles. I have nothing. Nothing but people discussing dress and speech. I do not exist. I've spoken on two LGBT forums and received only input from people who are not like me who think my problem is simply that I'm not acting enough like myself. No one seems to understand that this isn't solely about how I dress or speak. I am incomprehensible and belong nowhere. The only thing I can think today is that human beings are creatures of structures and shapes who think in categories, and I'm a shapeless, uncategorized aberration of the very system human beings need to survive and function. *has more posts than you do?* :rock:
  11. Because I walked out of class today after half an hour, and it's a class where hands-on learning is important and I've been doing poorly. It probably seems like I don't respect him as an instructor if I just walk out while he's talking, but I don't think I can get anything done today. I spent ten minutes just staring at the equipment in front of it, going over the cabling I knew needed to be done in my mind but being totally unable to translate what I knew into what I was seeing. It was like I'd never seen those machines before in my life. I was just going to sit there dumbly and fumble around in back, probably taking up everyone's time as they tried to correct me. I can't seem to think lately, and all I can think about is how every part of me that's important essentially doesn't exist. My gender identity has so little documentation and information online compared to all the others that I might as well be invisible in the LGBT+ communities. My orientation is pretty much the same as the one that's considered an "in-between" or a lie. I can't take sides on important life issues like religion and science because I've seen so much weirdness that to either deny or believe wholly would be betraying an aspect of myself. I don't fit in anywhere I go, even though nobody really hates me. I can't explain any of these things to anyone without them thinking I'm talking about something entirely different. That's how invisible I am. If I ask for help with feeling "fake" with my identity online, people start talking to me about how I just need to be myself and it's okay to not conform to gender roles, which doesn't have a ******* thing to do with the problem. I'm an aberration.
  12. After I posted this topic last night. I watched some adventure time online. It was actually very entertaining. First time iv felt entertained in months I think Adventure Time is entering its 6th season, so you're in luck. Maybe it has more to do with pastimes that don't give back? Pool and television are relaxing, but not very stimulating or rewarding.
  13. Stillness is the worst thing in the world to me. I walk/run/exercise in the home to regain focus if music isn't what I'm in the mood for. If my thoughts aren't racing when I haven't gone on an hour's outing in the freezing cold and I'm not snuggling up to someone, then I'm probably sick or depressed. It's all about maintaining focus and good energy, which might involve redirecting nervous energy.
  14. I'm out to most of my friends and don't consider it worth hiding in safe company, but not to my family, the workplace, etc. I don't consider my family close enough to me to be worth the drama, and it's in my nature to watch what I arm others with. Just because legal protection exists doesn't mean nobody will discriminate.
  15. Boy, do I relate to this... the only friends I have who don't really like parties are online, but I at least have the benfit of knowing people who also like small house parties that aren't about drunkenly grinding on a stranger. Still, it would be nice to know more than one person in real-life who isn't so easily scared and offended that the only safe topics are pets, family, and cooking if not partying and social circles.
  16. As a woman who isn't sensitive, I can feel you on this. I have to fake it in my day to day life. I feel closer to people who challenge me on important issues than those who try to be sensitive and considerate with small talk, assuming they're speaking from a place of reasoning rather than one of emotion or prepackaged, politically correct logic (aka saying what they were taught to say). The mask I wear by day is of a gentle, interested woman who wouldn't dream of discussing the point at which post-humanism becomes irrational or a stranger's spiritual journey from a mainstream religion to a demonized minority - good heavens! I think I may faint just thinking about it! Let's talk about cooking and pets instead, and then our feelings. Those things are so nice. *barfs*
  17. Depression doesn't judge. For people this is a good thing, but for mental health problems it's a terrible one because it means that depression will strike people who are fortunate, unfortunate, single, married, rich, poor, and everything else. Depression doesn't mean someone isn't grateful for what they have, because feelings are more complicated than having things and feeling good or not having things and feeling bad. If your school counselors weren't helping, perhaps there's someone more qualified.
  18. I think there's a misconception that you need to have an exciting life in order to talk about exciting things. From the right angle, any topic can be exciting. I've been lonely lately, too. I've lost a little bit of my support network and I'd like to be dating again, but head over heart women who are also reserved, plain, and have depression aren't exactly in high demand.
  19. Likewise. Sometimes it doesn't feel like much, but many years from now when we have the fruit of our labor we'll be glad we pushed on.
  20. Forgot that my new notebook came with McAfee until the incessant update popups came just as I clicked and restarted my machine, losing me an hour's worth of work and disconnecting me from a web game. Gotta get this glorified adware off and replace it with something more functional.
  21. One thing that I've started doing is hot showers and baths. There are a lot of scented soaps, scrubs, and other things, too. It's sort of like CCleaner for the brain, but more like a "reset" button that allows me to come out feeling clean and refreshed. How'd the exam go, by the way?
  22. The symptoms you're describing could be depression, and a professional could give you more insight. Either way, you're welcome to post and read here to see if there's anything you can use. I'm familiar with the feeling of improvements never being enough, by the way. It's taken awhile to work myself out of the mindset of waiting for a magical "someday" to rescue me from the fact that I have depression.
  23. I understand what you're talking about. Many people seem like they could understand on the surface, but aren't equipped to deal with problems beyond your relationship breaking up or your car breaking down.
  24. Sun! We've had sun twice this week in Minnesota. Now we know spring is coming.
  25. Question is... how does someone with a very niche personality get to that point to begin with?
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