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About CoffeeAddict103

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  • Birthday 04/04/1993

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  1. Hi Shijima thank you for taking the time to read this I appreciate it and glad you enjoyed it :). I'm similar I don't mind people but I kind of enjoy my own company. And you didn't ramble but you are free to do so. take care 🙂
  2. Hello thank you for reading my blog. Having suffered from mental health problems from teenage years into my 20's I have noticed and observed a pattern in my relationships, friendships, relatives, and work colleagues and managers. That pattern is that these relationships, not the majority, but a lot have abusive components to them. I have always known this unconsciously, but never really stopped to think, why? Why do the emotional bullies always come to me to pick on, to dig at, to push my buttons and make me feel bad? Is it me who is abusive? Am I narcissistic or projecting my flaws onto them. The end of last year and into this year I have been researching, reading, and consuming material on this subject. I have been pulled into this area and it has become some what of a spiritual awakening for me.This is something I have compiled below, some of it is my opinion, some are theories below have been regurgitated from information I have come across. Just say NO. It is a bit of a taboo in some peoples minds or unconscious minds. The short answer here is if you say no to someone to something that you do not want to do and this triggers a response that is angry bewildered, revokes the silent treatment or any other forms of manipulation, in my opinion you should be aware of these types of people. You should have your guard up at all times. Say no with a smile, be calm. Most healthy individuals should respond to this by respecting your wishes. The Toxic Relationship and The No Contact Method. After reading a book about NLP and signing up to a self assertive course I have been made aware of what toxic relationships look like. And I have thus recognized my own relationships that are toxic. Toxic family members, toxic friends, ex partners etc. I had a friend recently who I have had to put "on the chopping block". Why? For me it was my failure to assert boundaries in the first place. My fear of verbal conflict, and my fear of hurting them. Unconsciously I have always thought it's hurtful to say no and I don't want to hurt that persons feelings. Even when their behavior was making feel bad, I was too afraid to assert myself. We have to stick to the no contact method if we have identified narcissistic types in our lives for our own well-being. If they want try to re initiate contact remember you are a supply source. They don't feel empathy. This person is making me feel bad and I am always re running conversations in my head, and I am confused? I have had people like this in my life before. The pattern that seems to follow are: I meet someone we get on really well. I start noticing subtle digs being thrown at me, they hurt. It's not banter but it's something more subtle, snarky sarcastic remarks that are way out of line. These go on more and more. Boundaries are broken, they invite themselves around, make comments about my family members they have no idea about, or have no business making in the first place. They push and push. A conversation with two adults should not be confusing. If it is ask yourself why am I confused? Is the person BPD, PPD? It doesn't matter. The person in question is being a C***. Lots of them around in this world. Do not be naive. Don't be down about it, recognize it, and move on. Get away from the person who is making you feel bad. You are not permitted to be in a relationship that makes you feel bad WE do not HAVE to be in a relationship that makes us feel bad, neither are we obliged. WE are OBLIGED however to judge and condemn. It is our duty to judge people. If you have identified someone in your life who is toxic, then remove them from your life. Or limit contact. And you do not owe anyone an explanation if you do not want to. Be savage. Claim your freedom. Do not waste your time with abusive individuals. They can rarely be beaten if they are true Narcissists. They are master manipulators. The games they play are pathetic. These people are not powerful, but they are dangerous if boundaries are not enforced. They are dangerous to our health and well being. A natural response in us human's would be to get away from that pain source in order to survive, a part of the fight or flight response. You can indeed read the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder but your job is not to diagnose them. And you are probably not a qualified clinician, and their diagnosis should not matter to you anyway. Nor should their upbringing, or life circumstance, however tragic and unfair their life has been or might be. Its not your responsibility. You are not their parent. You do not owe people your time I am very aware of people that try and take way too much of my time than is necessary. It is another boundary break as far as I am concerned. I mentioned in a previous thread that a friend of mine used to call me way too much. In the end it was because he was bored. He told me he was bored. That's fair enough, and I have always answered the phone as it is the courteous thing to do. However a more grown up response for me would have been to say earlier in the relationship. "Hi I am not much of a phone person, you can always text me, but i genuinely do not like talking on the phone". We are not there to reduce other peoples boredom. Don't give anything to the Narcissist. Once you have identified the narcissist, keep your distance. Don't tell them intimate private information about yourself that could be used on you at a later date. Keep the conversation as limited as possible, 5 to 10 words if possible. Simple Yes, No responses. Remember that they feed from our reactions. If you are in a situation where you cannot avoid contact be it a relative you are living with and can't get away from, or a work situation. They are looking for our emotional reaction. Distance yourself from the conversation, disassociate from the button pushing. "OK", works for me if they are button pushing. Stand up for yourself like you'd stand up for your child. Parent yourself. If you are reading this, you are lovable. If you turn up somewhere, you are not less than. That's not to say you cannot improve, because you can. Don't be intimidated by the good looking man, the good looking girl, the clever person. Sure admire them, but you need to be your own sovereign being. Stand up straight with your shoulders back. We are all human beings, we all fart, we all go to the toilet, and we all die. Stand up for yourself, because nobody will do it for you. As much as I like to treat people in a mature respectful manner, sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is to tell someone to f off. Depending on the context of the situation. Social Media My opinion on social media is that it can be a tool for good. We were all initially sold on the idea that it would make us more connected with people. It seems to me the opposite has happened especially in the last decade. There are lots of psychological components at play here, and the creators in silicon valley seem to know this as well. For instance Facebook seems to operate as a casino. It seems to have an addictive nature. Our minds are overwhelmed with information on our screens. It could be anything on there. The notification bar used to be white. Nobody clicked on them. Now it is red. Red signals danger in the human brain, to those that seemed to be reliant on it, have a temporarily anxious response to a notification. This in particular seems to effect younger people, and especially young teens who are on there. The likes seem to be given to more narcissistic behavior on there such as teenage girls and women who are constantly posting selfies, hunting the likes, and feeding their dopamine release. I recommend anyone who thinks they might be on social media too much, or is heavily reliant on it, to consider a digital detox. Try 3 days, maybe a week. Or if you are feeling brave try a month. See if it benefits your concentration, your conversations, your body language. Your confidence. Be willing to be unliked From the age of 14 I wanted to rebel against conformity. I realized one of the biggest prisons we as humans have in society is the fear of what other people think even if we believe that to be true. And this disease we have in today's world, of being harmless and seeing harmlessness as a virtue when it is anything but. I know what i want in my life now, and I do not let others get in the way. Being a sovereign human being you have to accept the fact that not everyone is going to like you, and to obtain that as a social status is wrong. Corporations tell us that, and so does the latest trends. I am happy within myself. I do not look for others for my happiness. Not in friends, romantic partners, or anything. Since adopting this attitude others with come in who you share things in common with. For those of you who are low because you have no friends think of this. A lot of people are quite low quality human beings. So while society might think of you as less disarable or a horrible human being, it could mean that you are actually striving for greatness. Yes it is always nice to get approval of others, but don't be fobbed off by this culture telling us that we need to be liked. Its a social construct and it is there to control you. Nice to have friends, but don't be fooled into the friends "cult" culture. Our lives aren't a commercial on the television. Be more Wolf. Don't run from emotional pain It is natural for us to want to avoid pain as humans. I think Carl Jung said that all neurosis comes from unprocessed emotions. I have many criticisms of the spiritual outlook, but i also think the Zen like mindset has a lot of value. The idea of being in the present moment not thinking. It is never as bad as we might imagine if we are in the moment. We can try to avoid this pain by getting our dopamine hits from places, my younger years this was always bad places. Also allowing ourselves to be in pain and mediating on why. Maybe we should be sad, angry, dis-regulated. We are told our quality of lives are getting better, but is it? Look at the statistics for people taking their own lives. Maybe we are not "ill" for thinking these thoughts, for feeling these feelings. I am not saying depression is not biological, but I am asking the question also. Maybe it is but maybe it is not for everyone. "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." Jiddu Krishnamurti
  3. I am out of work too due to mental health stigma, and a smear campaign against me. I am in temporary construction job and i hate it. I know how it is and it sucks 😞
  4. @iWantRope haha well i am a real person. I must admit i saw one of my old accounts on here from 2007 and i realised i am starting to get old 27 this april. I mist have been 15 at the time. I agree with you about work. Employment is something i have struggled with. Toxicity in the work enviroment is on another level. Power trips, snarky comments, rudeness. Oh yes i know too well about the office enviroment. It becomes particularly cruel because this is peoples lives we all have bills to pay, mortgages etc. So work enviroment causes so much stress and anxiety. I dont think we are designed to work in shops offices, warehouses.
  5. It does but i think it is possible. I am concious not to go off topic on here but one of the things i have done my whole life is to people please. I am starting to realise that being liked isn't the be all and end all and it isn't a thing we should strive for. I am permitting myself to be unlikable for now on. I asked my therapist while i felt guilty putting my footdown and it turns out it was from my childhood trauma. Sorry if i came of lectury on here. It is "easier" for me at the moment because i am not in a severe depressive state like i was last here. I posted on another thread i do find it hard to stick up for myself when i am low. I think there is a biological reason why that is. I will post a thread on here with some of this information in another section in the week.
  6. Good luck JD. Its hard but sometimes the right thing to do in the long run even if its painful.
  7. Same here sober that what i do also but i have read and watched a lot of material on these sorts of people and i think i have some good tools in my arsenal for dealing with this if a relationship like this occurs again. The main thing is we have noticed it and have set a boundary. Bad part is we have wasted time with people that we thought might have had our best interests at heart, or we thought they were someone they were not. For now on if i notice a pattern of toxic behaviour that is making me feel bad i drift away. A sort of tactical retreat. If its full on abusive i initiate the no contact strategy. But it has to be a continual pattern, and i have to be sure its not me perceiving it or taking it the wrong way. Not good to go around ghosting and discarding everyone. But once i have identofied and a##@@. Chopping blockml.But i need to be more assertive in the future and learn to say no. No is a full sentence. I am working on being more wolf and less lamb. Hoooowlll! Lol.
  8. They were not real friends. Sounds like you were.
  9. My original comment was hidden and i wasn't given a reason why. Just wanted to say thank you @Devlinkyla for your support on these forums. You have been a good help to me and many others. All the best.
  10. Thats so true. I dont think we were good for each other. Highly obnoxiois and insecure and it was damaging me.
  11. I have had to set a firm boundary with someone this week. Someone who wasn't good for my emotional health. She wasn't a bad person, but i found her very toxic. She was there for me in times of crisis. I feel great sadness. I hate hurting people but i have to stick to my guns.
  12. I got fed up with facebook because it is a cesspit for narcissists. Plus the fact no one seems to want to talk on there. Try posting something informative see how many likes you get. Post something stupid and you will get lots of likes. Yay encouraging dumbness. I dont actually mind the cat videos though at least their cute and light relief. But yeah social media can be a great tool but in general it doesnt seem healthy. Try detoxing for a week i guarantee you you will feel better.
  13. No you are spot on. If someones genuinely treated you badly and they are geuinely narcissistic you shouldnt stoop to their level I shouldnt have said that. Theae types of individuals tend to feed off of reactions. One of the techniques i have read about is dissasociating yourself from the convo. For example If someone is being mean and you think this person is genuinely sick then you try and give less away to these people. Keep the conversation limited, dont tell them intimite details or personal stuff that they could use on you at a later date. One of the programmes i did last year was teaching you what a narcissistic person does. It comes down to fake trickery. What seems on the surface to be genius alchemy you realise in the end that these people are pathectic. Its not about diagnosing them, its about keeping you sane. Its basically teaching is that there are predators out there that'd take our arms off soon as they look at us. And so you are on guard all the time. Its basically getting to be the predator and not the victim and knowing what dark arts they use to manipulate and abuse. In every workplace i have been in (most low skilled) these emotional vampires exist. I would say in EVERY sector they work. Whether they are stacking shelves at £8.00 an hour or earning a £200 thousand pound salary these types exist. They do not feel empathy. Once you see things from their mindset you realise it is just trickery. And they will use you as a doormat and would not think twice. I guess we have to give off vibes that say 'do not f with me' be assertive. It does get rather difficult in the workplace though, but i think we still need to have appropriate boundries. In terms of social life like the guy i used as an example above i simply go no contact. I gave him chances and i dodnt make quick decisions like a goof but i was very careful. Now i am completely careful who i let into my little world. Again almost robotic responses quick short answers and dont give them emotional reactions. Dissasociate from the conversations of someone who is actually like this in your life that you cannot get away from i.e an elderly relative etc. Edit Also suggest everyone struggling with this typw of thing like i have and still am to google something along the lines of 'toxic people how to deal with' and being assertive. Lots of literature out there on the subject. And obviously dont take everythibg you hear on a youtube video or the internet as gospel (we all know this we aren't stupid here) but see if some of this stuff resonates with you and try putting some of it into practise. I will shut up now. I am sorry but this info worked for ME and i am sorry this information isn't available if you dont actively pursue it. I found it by chance.
  14. I'll be blunt and brutally honest with my opinion Adam, brother. DONT. Its not worth it. Unfortantely narcissistic types will see you as an easy target. Narcissists is a term that is banded around a lot and has almost lost its meaning. There are many people who are just d***s. It doesn't mean you cant be 'good' and indeed i try to be nice as i can when i meet people specifically for the first time. But after that i try to treat them how they treat me. I haven't got anything to show for my relatively short life at the moment so not trying to tell you what to do, but since learning how to be more assertive i have been happier in myself. I honestly think you should check some of Richard Grannons youtube videos out on narcissistic abuse, how to be assertive, and something he calls 'people pleaser syndrome'. He speaks a lot about depression and anxiety too. He is a life coach not a phychiatrist. But his videos have really really helped me and just learning to say no to people without feeling bad about it and without being agrgressive has really awoke me. Don't feel bad for being nice. Just try and learn how to set up appropriate boundries with people. Also something i have noticed is when i am in a depressive state i am much easier to be 'pushed around' verbally in the workplace. I try and change my physiology, i stand up straight with my shoulders back and i go into combat stance. It took me a while to swallow these truths but i am starting to rebuild my life. So take from that what you will. Theres no virtue in harmlessness, kindness maybe. Being good and noble yes. One example i can give i had a friend who was a decent guy but started making me feel bad after every interaction i had with him. It was not banter (i can have a laugh about myself and i dont mind genuine friends making fun of me) he literally made snarky remarks that had double meanings. I found myself after meeting him and going home i would overplay conversations on my head. He was being a JERK. One day he told me to call someone up, and i should do it now. I said NO, with a smile not nastily but i set my boundry. Another comment he made was 'i am going to get fed up of you eventually' meaning hed stop hanging out with me, i guess? He took to ringing my phone everyday, taking up too much of my time i usually take the philosophy that if someone calls me i should have the decency an courtsey to answer. I had to stop in the end because he was using me to reduce his boredom. Sorry, i am not putting up with that! I dont mind the odd chit-chat but this was madness. Another thing he did was invite himself round my house even when i dodnt really want him there, or it wasn't really a good time. He did not respect my boundries because i had none. I wasn't good at telling people no. Thats one example of how it can go wrong it becomes worse with romantic relationships and it can go from just being mean, to physical abuse. But the point is it made me feel BAD. And its my life not theirs! A lot of people are like this, intelligent and tough. That Richard guy i was talking about used to train doorman and military men for self defense. He said in one video some of these men would be happy to have a brawl with 6 men, but when it comes to telling their daughter off, or complaining in a resturant to a member of staff about the food or service, they could not do it. I dont know if any of the older and wiser posters here can back me up or have another approach, but this has been a life saver for me so far. I am only 26 so i can only go by what i have read and some of the content i have consumed online about this kind of stuff. Sorry for the essay brother and hang in there. Chat to me anytime if you want.
  15. Hasn't been a great year but not terrible. Dr said i had serotonin syndrome but just told me to google it. I have been trying to apply myself this year and making small steps. Quit smoking, dont really drink and trying to exercise. Been setting decent boundries with people as well. I no longer accept being a doormat for people. Also had to go no contact with a couple of 'toxic' friends. I am fed up with these types. For a guy in his mid 20s i dont have time for that stuff. I feel a little bad but i am sticking to my guns. I am not a people pleaser anymore! Feels liberating. Apart from the guy who asked for a lift after a course today i thought was a bit cheeky of him, but he was nice enough and i really didnt mind as i was going that way. Hope the gang are well here.
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