Jump to content


  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won


Everything posted by mkmurph88

  1. Thank you. His spirit is broken and I'm not sure if he will ever get it back. He's just not himself anymore. Alcohol ruined his life and his brain. You are right I need to take care of myself but the depression has been weighing so heavy. We are trying to find a new place for him but not having much luck. Anyway thanks for responding I do appreciate it.
  2. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. Everything you said was something I needed to hear. Similar to lot of things my therapist and others have told me but for some reason they just don't stick and I go back down this rabbit hole. I guess I'm grieving the loss of who my Dad used to be. I miss that person.
  3. Thank you so much. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through. It's not something I expected to be dealing with at age 33, but that's life. The hardest part is just seeing how the system is set up to profit off of people's pain rather than to help them.
  4. It's been a while since I posted here but I remember this place being such a sense of comfort for me when I was down and out many years ago. I need to speak on it because I have been experiencing crippling depression like I haven't felt in many years because of this. So here goes. Over the past few months I've experienced many traumatic events surrounding my father. He's always been an alcoholic but has slowly been declining for the past few years. He basically quit his job out of nowhere in 2018 and essentially turned into an alcoholic hermit, although he did live with his brother in their childhood home. They had been planning to sell it for a while and the sale will close in February. My sister and I lost contact with him from about 2019 to last year. When his brother died last August, we received word from a family member that he was in really bad shape. I won't even go into the guilt attached with losing contact and letting him get to that point to begin with. The environment we found him in was truly horrific. My grandma's house was a shell of the happy place it once was. He was filthy and had a long beard and hair. We could barely understand what he said and we thought it was because of the alcohol. He frequently repeated questions and got confused easily. My sister said she found several soiled articles of clothing stashed away in places and he had an issue with accidents. All he ate was McDonalds. Every day he would go to McDonald's and get the same thing and then drink beer for the rest of the day. One time we took him out to get a sandwich and he choked and vomited everywhere. Then, on another outing with family, he choked on a roll and collapsed in the middle of a busy restaurant. It was all a traumatic blur but the ambulance came to take him to the hospital and he was there for almost 2 months. While he was in the hospital, he got a full work up which was a blessing in disguise. We were at a loss as to how to proceed with him so it seemed fortunate that the hospital might be able to figure out what path to take. Since we are in America, it was a horrible experience and continues to be. He had a different doctor each day so there was no consistency or communication and we essentially had to start over with a new person every day. They took him down for countless x rays, cat scans, MRIs, and could not come up with anything conclusive other than "he has brain atrophy" and then at another point "he has a Parkinson's mimic". They started giving him medication for that which seemed to help but I don't think it's continued into the nursing home. He was also placed on a feeding tube because he was aspirating any food he tried to eat. This was why he was choking every time we went to eat. He is still on the feeding tube. He was just released from the hospital last week and has been placed in a disgusting nursing home. They told us he would be more stimulated there but it is just that same thing. He just sits and watches tv all day. He's essentially a vegetable who is able to somewhat comprehend what's going on. It is just breaking my heart. I've been so depressed and crushed by immense guilt not only for letting him get to this point but also for not volunteering to care for him. I've worked for many years to build the life I have now, away from my hometown in a city I love, I like where I work, and being with friends and my boyfriend. I don't want to leave back to the place where I became suicidal several times to take care of my dad who I am not qualified to care for. But still, something inside of me is just beating myself up for that selfish choice. I don't know what to do and insurance has denied covering his speech therapy because the hospital said he wasn't making any progress. So it seems like a recovery is not likely and he could be forced to live like this for many years to come. Essentially we are being forced to spend all of his money on horrible care and miserable conditions for him to live in so that he can qualify for Medicaid because he is only 61. He doesn't deserve this and I feel so helpless and alone throughout this situation. I don't know anyone who can relate and no one seems to care about him or what happens to him including his own family. This is just so tragic and I wish there was something we could do to help him. We don't know how to navigate any of this and all we want is a clean, nice place we can be sure he is being taken care of properly. I wish I could pull myself out of this depression long enough to make any kind of progress to fight for him but it's weighing me down so bad. I haven't felt this kind of depression in a very long time. I honestly can barely take care of myself. It's all I think about and I can't seem to get a grip.
  5. I know it takes action for things to improve in life, but it is so hard when all you want to to is rest from the stress and pain. And the anhedonia like JD said.....the constant thoughts of "what's the point of anything I do?". I have competing existential and nihilistic dilemmas that cloud the desire I have to just be in the moment. I'm trying meditation and yoga, they help a little bit but the thoughts remain. I would give anything to just have like a month where I'm not expected to be anywhere or do anything. Simply rest and take care of myself. Money is a constant worry because I am in debt. So I guess that's the problem and it ignites every other problem in my life. My relationship is falling apart too, and I'm trying to balance losing weight, taking a creative class, and working a job that is mind numbingly boring. Blah blah. People have it so much worse than me so I feel guilty for my mental anguish. Thank you all for your insight and perspectives.
  6. I'm not sure where the line is drawn. I've been depressed my whole life and throughout my childhood and early adult years my mom frequently labeled me as "lazy", so I'm not sure if it's just her influence sticking with me or if I really am just a lazy person. I never want to do anything but I force myself to. If I had the option I would just stay in bed at home all the time, but I force myself to go to work and class even though it's excruciatingly painful. I do this in hopes that it will relieve the enormous depressive breakdown I am currently in the midst of. So, since I make an effort to do these things, I feel like that is the opposite of lazy? But then I get to work and essentially spend the day surfing the internet. I get home and just keep putting off work I have to do for my class. I'm going through the motions but not actually doing the work. I can force myself to GO to the place I need to be but I can't force myself to DO what needs to be done. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of being able to deal with my depression and lead a normal life or just completely succumbing to it and giving up everything because it is just so hard. It's hard going through life in constant pain and worry. It's physical pain too, my depression manifests itself as muscle pain a lot. I am always devoid of energy as well. So I'm just wondering if anyone else deals with this question, and how do you tell the difference between laziness and depression? Am I being too hard on myself or am I not trying hard enough? I want to feel better so badly and I'm doing all the right things but the depression and anxiety still just hangs around. I wish I felt passionate about anything enough to care but I'm just trying to make it through each day one at a time.
  7. You are so young and so wise beyond your years. I think maybe you need to seek new friends because it sounds like the ones you have now aren't very understanding or supportive. Just remember that everyone fails at some point and you just have to keep trying and trying until one day you finally succeed. Like you said yourself, it is easier said than done. It's so discouraging to fail at something and makes you not want to continue. But the more you persevere, even when you think it's hopeless, the stronger you will find yourself becoming. You sound like a very insightful and intelligent person, the kind of person this world needs more of! I really should take my own advice too, because I suffer from these exact same fears. Don't give up!
  8. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I can relate to everything you have said about your depression/anxiety. It might feel like you are alone at this moment but you aren't, there are many many people in the world who feel just the same way you do. You are still very young and you have lots of time to figure out who you are and what you want to do in your life. Do you live in a place where they might have a support group for mental illness? I go to my support group run by an organization called Depression Bipolar Support Alliance and it is a nation wide organization. Just google DBSA and it will bring up their website and you can look up your area and see if there is a group near you. The meetings are completely free, and you don't have to talk if you don't want to. I don't know if it will work for you, but when I moved to a new town and was dealing with crippling social anxiety it helped me find my voice around people who could relate to what I was going through and didn't come to judge because they had their own problems. And I made a good friend who helps me when I'm feeling low. I've spent my life learning how to get over this, as you say, but I'm slowly learning that it's not something you get over, but rather something you learn to control. I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound too negative, because the control can be yours it just takes a lot of work to get there. I am still working on it too. Take it one day at a time and congratulate yourself for even taking the smallest steps. You are doing the best you can! You sound like a good person who just wants some relief. I really hope you find it ASAP! Hang in there, it will get better.
  9. Wow, you sound exactly like me. Like I could have written this exact post. I am also 29, job hop from menial job to job constantly, and feel the same suicidal feelings you do. I feel my depression has completely ruined my chance at having a meaningful career and it's just too late for me. I wish I had some actual advice for you but I just want to let you know that you are not alone in your suffering. If you ever need someone to relate and talk to please feel free to message me any time. I'm not always on here every day, but a few times a week, normally when I'm at work because that's when my depression is at its absolute worst because i have nothing but time to sit here and think about it all day. I hope you can find some relief soon. Hang in there.
  10. This also just sucks so much because now Chris doesn't have a therapist when he really needs one. So we are gonna have to go through this whole process again. It was hard enough for him to go there in the first place and now to have the guy turn into such a jerk is just too much. He says he's turned off from therapy now and doesn't even want to try to find someone else. So that makes me really sad. :-(
  11. You're right, @jsop4. Thank you for the advice, it's something we hadn't considered but are seriously doing so now. Chris just told me he blocked the guys number. We will look into reporting.
  12. Thank you, @Chubbybunny89. This is very helpful, pretty much what I told my boyfriend we should do at first, but for some reason it just feels mean. Like you said, we owe him nothing so what difference does it make? I guess we need to just get over our guilty feelings and stop being doormats.
  13. He is completely independent, doesn't report to anyone. Works out of a single office in a random building in my downtown area. I just don't know if I feel comfortable reporting him....I would just kind of feel bad. He didn't really hurt us or abuse us, he's just unrelentingly bothering my boyfriend and won't take a hint. I wish I just knew the magic words to get him to go away without resorting to that, but it might be inevitable. i will think on it more about reporting though.....you both may have a point. And apparently he just called my boyfriend AGAIN for the 6th time in 24 hours. Left a long message trying to get Chris to do a "phone session" since he's going out of town this week. He sounds sane, just completely oblivious and desperate. Thanks so much for answering.
  14. Thank you so much for your response. I'm not sure if we want to report him, I'm not really trying to ruin the guys career. We'd just like to be left alone and are unsure of the most tactful way to express that to him. Honestly I hadn't even considered reporting him. I guess I will have to talk to my bf about that one.
  15. Hi Everyone, This is gonna be kind of long, but I would really appreciate any insight. I'm looking for outside opinions on how to handle this situation that has gone a bit sour. My boyfriend, Chris, and I both have depression. I have been seeing therapists for many years, but he had not until about 6 months ago when I asked him to give it a chance. He found an older (late 60's, male) therapist, who he seemed to make some progress with despite some early misgivings that were shrugged off. Some of these misgivings included: the therapist rushing to tell Chris he "needed" to see him at least once a week, being very pushy with scheduling appointments, asking how much money Chris makes, charging him $150 a session when his listed price online was $120 (Chris doesn't have insurance). These were all minor things at the time, and he really needed to talk to someone, so he just brushed them off and kept going. He liked the guy because he was laid back in his approach, easy to talk to, and very flexible with his schedule since Chris works a 9-5 job during the week. Recently, I broke things off with my own therapist for reasons I don't need to go into. Chris convinced me to go with him to meet his therapist and see if I wanted to start seeing him. We thought it might be nice to get a couples thing going, several sessions a month on our own and one or two together. The first session I was present for, we went together. I was explaining to him why I broke things off with my last therapist and he said "She sounds like a judgemental b***h." ..... That was the first red flag to me. Sort of an unprofessional thing to say, but OK. Everything went smoothly other than that comment and I was still ready to keep going with him. The second session I was on my own. Before I even went to the appointment I called and asked him what his intake process was/how much I would owe him for the appointment at the time of service. He told me I needed to "Call my insurance company and see if they cover him and ask them how much the co pay will be". I've never in my life had to do that.....shouldn't you know if an insurance company covers you? I've been to probably almost 20 different therapists over the course of my life and I have never once had to call my insurance company and figure out on my own how much my appointment was going to cost. At the end of the session (which he cut me off 10 minutes early) there was a lot of confusion on what I would owe him and he told me to "just give him 60 bucks and if I owe any more he'll let me know". He also answered his cell phone in the middle of the session. In addition, there was no intake paperwork at all. No forms, disclaimers, or anything. I found that very strange as well. The next week, we both had sessions again. Chris is getting a new job and told the therapist he would be getting new insurance and asked if he took that specific insurance company. Shocker, he told him the same thing to "call the insurance company and see if they accept me". In addition, he made an extremely disgusting comment in regard to my bf speaking about a past relationship. Chris told him his first girlfriend had a very high sex drive and the therapist said "So she liked to f**k?" There were also some uncomfortable moments in my session, including him unabashedly looking at my body, telling me I "look good" when I described my body image issues, and when my session ended saying "So you got some money for me?". I discussed all of this with Chris and he agreed that he was kind of done dealing with the unprofessional behavior, not to mention the extremely expensive cost of seeing this guy. He was legitimately sick on Sunday, when we had a couples session scheduled, so he called to cancel. The therapist guilted him about it and said "We'll discuss this at our next session." This was the breaking point. We decided we would take a break from seeing this guy and attempt to find someone with a little more professionalism. Then yesterday, 48 hours later, the therapist called my bf and left a voice mail saying he was "returning his call". A call was never made. Chris did not answer or call back. Over the course of the last 24 hours this man has tried to call him FIVE TIMES! He left another voicemail saying he was "Again trying to return your call". It doesn't seem like this is going to let up any time soon. My questions to you are: what would any of you guys do or say to this man in this situation? He will not stop calling. Obviously, there is going to have to be some confrontation here. I don't feel like we owe him anything and he has no right to keep calling. On the other hand, it isn't really polite to just drop off the face of the earth when he did actually help at certain points. He seems like a guy with good intentions, but the unprofessionalism has gone beyond inappropriate. Am I blowing this situation out of proportion? Can anyone give us some advice as to maybe a script Chris could say to this guy? We are both very bad at confrontation so any help would be appreciated!
  16. I don't have any advice, but I appreciate you taking the time to write this out because I can relate to so much of it. You are a very gifted writer.
  17. DustyRoad, this support group is run by an organization called Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. Just Google the name and their website has a little button on the right hand side that says "Find a support group near you" and look up where you live on there. That's how I found the one in my area. I do live in a larger urban area so that probably made it easier for me to find one.
  18. Thanks for your response, I agree. I normally really get along with my therapist but I thought she was a little off base with this response and I just needed a second opinion. The point of this support group is that it is free to all and run by volunteers. I'm sure there are other support groups run by professionals but they would cost money. I really hate the issue of money coming into play so often with mental health. It's a separate issue, but I've always struggled with accepting therapists relationships with me because I just assume they only want my money and don't really care about me at all underneath. With this group, I know we are all just there to get help and support one another with no ulterior motives. Thanks again, your response is very helpful to me.
  19. I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. I wish I had a solution, but the world we live in is not very understanding about mental illness. You just have to keep pushing to get help. Keep calling doctors until you get what you need. Don't give up! It's absolutely ridiculous the way you are being given the runaround. All you can do is hold on and try to occupy your time until you can get the help you need. Try the best you can at work, and if you can't don't beat yourself up about it. It hurts so bad, I know it's hard to work on anything when you feel like this. Do whatever (healthily) helps to keep your mind off of your pain, but still don't stop trying to get help. Call the doctor every day if you have to. Sometimes they have cancellations and can get you in earlier if you happen to call at the right time. This will pass, you just have to hang in there and don't give up on yourself. Fight for your right to be healthy and happy.
  20. (Not sure where this topic fits best, so I just added it here.) I've been going to a Depression and Bipolar Support group (hosted by DBSA - Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) in my area for the past couple months, and most of the time it is fairly helpful to me. I like being able to relate to others and understand that I'm not the only one going through the feelings I'm experiencing. They meet once a week for an hour and a half to just discuss feelings and occurrences that are going on in each person's life that week. Most people are very kind and supportive, offering suggestions or just listening to others with patience and understanding. The only rules are: 1. You can't name any medication you are taking by name 2. You can't talk about politics or religion 3. You must promise to keep everything said in the meeting confidential. The (volunteer) facilitator of the group is extremely kind with a great talent for listening to others and responding in a constructive way. However, he is not a licensed mental health professional. He is another one of us who struggles with Bipolar Type I, Depression, and other metal illness. I thought nothing of this for the time I've been attending because he is such a cool person and has a very calming presence. When I recently told my therapist I had been going to a support group she was supportive about it. At my last session though, it somehow came up that the facilitator of the group is not a licensed mental health professional. The look on her face was one of shock and concern, which took me aback. She said that she thought "that was pretty dangerous to not have a licensed professional supervising" and very obviously disapproved of it after learning this information. I told her that the facilitator is extensively trained by DBSA, a national organization for support groups, so I assume they have directed him in the proper professional procedures should anything difficult arise. She didn't seem comforted by this fact, and still had a look of worry on her face but moved on to another topic. Ever since that happened I keep thinking about it. I didn't go to the group session this week because I wasn't feeling up to it. But, I think subconsciously it was because my therapist's reaction was still floating around in my mind. I guess I just want to know what any of you guys here think about this. I think it's just a group of people who deal with the same issues getting together to support one another. If it helps someone to go out and receive support with people who suffer in the same way, what's the harm in that? On the other hand, is it harmful to not have a mental health professional present for these meetings? I just don't know what to think.
  21. I am feeling guilty about my sex drive. I keep telling myself I will have sex with my boyfriend but I just have no interest in it. It feels like a chore. I put it off one more day, and the next day and the next... I know it makes him sad to not be able to have it, but he's been pretty patient. I'm afraid of disappointing him. I just have no desire whatsoever to be intimate with anyone even if it's my partner and best friend. I don't know what's wrong with me.
  22. I'm feeling disappointed and angry this morning because I inquired about a depression/bipolar support group in my area yesterday, and received no response. I sent the message via Facebook, and it told me they read my message 10 minutes after I sent it. What gives? I asked a simple question, this is it verbatim: "Hi I'm interested in attending your support group tomorrow at (location). Do I need to sign up or can I just show up at 7?" Is that rude? How hard is it to take 5 seconds to answer that? Is this how you treat people who seek help? I sure hope people who are worse off than I am don't face this kind of rejection from a group that claims to help the mentally ill. This has happened in other areas of my life recently too. I've emailed several people asking for information on volunteering at various places and had no response. One of them was a veterinary school at the college I work for. They posted a volunteer job helping out in the kennels. When I emailed to inquire with the woman listed as a contact, I never heard a word back. Then I email her again for work related purposes and she sends back the attachment I requested with no message, or acknowledgement of my humanity. I don't get it. I was very polite with my messages. I am so SICK of being treated like I am invisible! It happens to me all the time. I try to put myself out there, but rarely anyone wants to receive me. Even standing in line at a restaurant I get ignored. I wish I knew how to be more assertive but I always blame it on other people being rude. I can't figure out if it's my fault....it MUST be because others don't have this problem. I just don't know what I do wrong or how to fix it.
  23. Talk to a doctor....PLEASE be very careful before you attempt this. You really need to consult a psych doctor you trust. Coming off of this drug is harder than you expect. You need a good support system in place. I had a horribly brutal time coming off of it several years ago, and if I had to do it again I would find a psych doctor's advice. Please be careful and good luck.
  24. To preface, I'm diagnosed Bipolar II. I've been taking 50mg Pristiq for about two years now, and it's worked fairly well for me except for always being tired and drowsy. I tried everything, exercising daily, practicing good sleep hygiene and nothing worked I was still always tired. (I also take 100 mg of lamotrigine every night before bed.) My (new) doctor told me to scale down to 25mg of Pristiq and it was a struggle to do that. I finally did though and it didn't really help at all with the fatigue. I went back to my doctor last week and he gave me samples of a new drug called Trintellix. He told me to alternate the 25mg of Pristiq to every other day and take 5mg of Trintellix each night at dinner for 2 weeks then ramp up to 10 mg. I'm having a horrible time. I started on Thursday, it's only been 5 days, and the irritability, mania, and anger is through the roof. I'm constantly annoyed at everything, feel on the verge of tears all the time, snapping at my boyfriend about ridiculous things, and extremely manic. I'm wondering if this is due to coming off of the Pristiq or starting the Trintellix? Either way, I can't take this. I know they normally say to give it a few weeks but I cannot function like this. I've looked up other stories about starting Trintellix and I haven't found much at all because it's a relatively new drug. It's also extremely expensive, just as much as the Pristiq has been, and I have a very high deductible insurance. I'm tired of spending a quarter of my paycheck on medical bills. It shouldn't be like this. Can anyone give me some advice? Should I just keep going and try to fight through it for a few weeks or should I go back to my doctor and tell him about it? (another $115 for the visit) Sorry for all the complaining but I'm hurting and suffering and I just don't know what to do. Thanks for any advice you might be able to provide.
  • Create New...