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lyric

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lyric last won the day on October 13 2013

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  1. Hehe, 7thHeaveN I'm up to about day 10 now and things are still feeling very normal. Not happy-happy-joy-joy but normal. I guess I'm done spiraling. I will update on this specifically soon. Thank you for checking in on me! :)
  2. Hypnagogia is kind of fun sometimes,honestly. I'm only bothered when it wakes me up really suddenly and seems too much like reality.
  3. Haha. The ball of light was like a comet flying through space and smacking into me. Another good day today, despite the fact that nothing great in particular happened :)
  4. I'm glad the meeting worked out! :) And stay safe. I'm unfortunately familiar with the threat of hurricanes/typhoons. Eep!
  5. It's not uncommon for me to have pre-sleep hallucinations or dreams (hypnagogia). From time to time they're scary or just uncomfortable (flashes of unfamiliar faces), but usually they're just silly or normal (me doing everyday things that trail off into me flying or doing something dumb). Night before last, as I was in that place between dream and awake, I saw this golden ball of light trailing toward me in the blackness of my mind. It smacked right into the center of my forehead which woke me up somewhat. I said to myself how cool that was as I lay there remembering it. I started to nod back off and I saw all of this swirling soft light and colors with small points of white light mixed in along with some golden threads floating in the colors. I can't make out the shape that was at the center, but it was some fluid, hand-drawn looking shape. I fell asleep after that and slept as I usually do. I woke up the next morning feeling as though I had left something behind. I felt lighter inside. I felt like the old me. I felt normal. Though my mind wandered, as it always does, to the the things that usually trouble me, I didn't feel a sense of worry about them anymore. Those worries exist, but I will be ok. That feeling of ease stayed all day. So far, it's still here. I don't feel like I'm stifling the feelings of grief like usual. In grief there's always the sense that you are wounded somewhere inside of you - physically wounded somewhere you cannot touch. It literally feels like a hole inside of your body. For me, it has been inside of my chest. It feels like that hole is closed. I don't think that my golden light hallucination at bedtime caused it or is even related to it, but I do hope it was the first signal that my mind is returning to normal thought patterns and connection to the rest of my body again. I usually see those sorts of images during meditation. I hadn't seen those things in years, no matter how long I meditated for. I hope that this feeling stays around. I hope I'm actually beyond the intense weight of grief now. I really do.
  6. 1) I'm off of Wellbutrin now for about a week due to a possible allergic reaction to it. I really wanted to think that it's not that, but once I stopped taking it the severity of my reactions have died down so much that I haven't needed meds for it. It might be coincidental, though. My psychiatrist friend thinks it is a reaction due to stress. That is also plausible. When I woke up this morning, I was sitting on the couch and I started having some stressful thoughts about something or another and I began to get a reaction on my wrist. So - we'll see. 2) Emotionally: on the note of being off of Wellbutrin. I have to say that I don't notice any difference in my mood elevation. It was such a low dose that it's likely I had talked myself up during the times that I was up. I seem to be able to maintain that slight elevation still. 3) I met with my therapist for the 1st time Friday. She gave me a couple of things to work toward for next week. One was simply being open to finding ways to meet a new friend or two to replace some of the activities that my deceased best friend used to do with me. She mentioned Meetup, which I have tried but, I've found it very difficult to find single women who enjoy the outdoor activities I do. I've also found it difficult to hang out with a man as a friend without him assuming I would like a romantic relationship. My best friend was a man and we worked so well because I dated his nephew and he was married. He saw me like family always. It's so difficult to find that dynamic with a new male friend. But I will make more of an effort instead of making assumptions. I haven't tried in a very long time. The other good idea she gave me was to find a guy friend at the gym. She said that even if I end up with someone shallow as a friend, he'll likely be so into himself he will not hit on me, will enjoy directing my workout, and I won't have such a problem with the romantic aspect. 4) My most recent former fiance (not to be confused with the ex boyfriend I've mentioned in previous posts) has been making another effort to try to get back together with me. I have been honest with him in telling him that I have no romantic feelings for him anymore. I told him that I would be open to a friendship in which the possibility of a rekindling of my feelings for him. I said I wasn't sure that it would happen, but that if he was willing to make the effort he swears he wants to make, I would be open to allowing it to happen. I guess because it didn't happen in the few days he wanted, he grew frustrated with me. I told him that I didn't want him to wait around for me to develop feelings if he was incapable of just having a friendship. Tonight he agreed he couldn't have a friendship with me period. So that's that. This is someone who was unable to engage emotionally with me for the duration of our relationship. He acknowledges that now and swears he's different. I just really don't think he could be. I'd given it over a year to develop, but he always kept me at an arm's distance. There are other personal things I won't divulge in here, but they're also indicative of someone who just can't enjoy romantic love. I don't like being rejected as a friend, but I understand why he felt the need to close the door all the way. So, I've accepted that. 5) I went to my friend's daughter's Sweet 16 party. It was semi-formal, so I got to wear a great dress, and I looked good, felt confident. I'm usually pretty oblivious, but I noticed that night that I had definitely turned a couple of heads. One was a police officer working security inside of the party (it was large and in a public space with a bar). One of the teenagers from the party said, "Oh my gosh the police officer was seriously checking you out!" I had seen it too. He didn't make a move, and I don't have a thing for cops, so that didn't materialize. The other guy was one of the photographers. He asked my friends about me and asked them to introduce us. He talked to me quite often throughout the party. I think in doing so, he told me so much information about himself that he was embarrassed. I don't know. He was vaguely attractive, but seemed more friend quality to me. We didn't exchange numbers. 6) At the party, I remember feeling almost happy. Of course, for a split second I went meta and thought about the fact that I was happy. If I do that for too long it decreases my happiness. I didn't do that this time, though. I stayed almost happy while I was there. The party was boring. But for a little while I almost felt like myself again.
  7. My son is a fan of Pokemon. I don't know many of the characters, but I know how excited he gets about them. :)
  8. My father was absent for almost my entire life so, I was only hugged and told I was loved by my mother. But she definitely did do that. She stopped hugging me, except in those generic ways we hug distant relatives, once I became an adolescent. This was part of her own abuse manifesting. Her mother's abuse really kicked off for my mom when she entered puberty. She periodically said she loved me, but that was reduced.
  9. lyric

    Only Fooling Yourself

    Yeah, this is hives as you've described. When I would get them just for the day or so, it was always when I first woke up, or it might start a little when I was going to bed. Now it's all day. A patch of them shows up for a while, then disappears and a new patch shows up somewhere else. I'm on Alegra right now, so I'm not drowsy. But I hate being on additional meds. Blehhh.
  10. That's awesome! I love it! The colors are perfect.
  11. I shield myself from reading or viewing very disturbing things on the news, my social media, etc. especially when it pertains to children or animals. Yet, my professor assigns a reading of an article that describes graphic violence against children. *sigh* :verysad3:
  12. lyric

    Only Fooling Yourself

    I doubt it had anything to do with him. I do see that he has played a role in my depression, though. I've been suffering with this allergy for a week solid now. But before that I had it on and off, not lasting more than a day and staying contained to my scalp for some reason. Naturally, I thought it was my shampoo but it only affected the back of my head, not the crown. But even when I used my usual shampoo at the usual frequencies, I still got it periodically. It began to appear on my lower back, and I still thought it was shampoo or something. I bought a soap for sensitive skin. I tried not washing my hair for a little longer than normal. It had no effect. Whatever set this off caused it to continue to work its way down my body on and off all day for a week now. :/ When I had it before, I didn't need to take antihistamines. Now, I HAVE to take one every day for relief. My friend thought the off-and-on nature of it before seemed like stress. I agree that it probably needs to just cycle through. Thank you for your comment.
  13. I will undoubtedly sound conceited in saying this but, sometimes I wish I were less of a thinker or even less intelligent. I wish I could be happy with less than I strive for. I wish I didn't constantly think, formulate goals, hypotheses, ideas. I wish my needs didn't include intellectual stimulation. I wish that when I told myself something, I could believe it was true. I was talking to my friend this morning, a psychiatrist. He asked how I was doing, and I mentioned some allergic reaction that I've been dealing with for over a week now. It seems to be connected to nothing. It seems I have either suddenly become allergic to some product or food I have always used or eaten, suddenly become allergic to meds I've been on, or I'm suddenly now allergic to something environmental that I haven't been previously allergic to before. It's dermal with a touch of swollen nasal passages, it's mysterious, it's horrible. He asked me a couple of times if I was stressed. I'm in grad school with a heavy workload, living on an insecure income, and I have no support from anyone whatsoever. I should clearly be able to say yes to this question. Yet, I immediately wanted to say no because I genuinely don't physically FEEL the stress. I'm familiar with short-term bursts of stress (like bad drivers, waiting in line forever, etc.) but I have no concept on long-term stress. So I told him that. Something in my brain wants to kid myself into thinking my life isn't stressful. I don't know why. Sometimes the words of all the idealistic people in the world ring in my head - You have it better than a lot of people. Someone else would love to have your "problems." You have all your basic needs met. So, I just tell myself that, and then I feel ok for the moment. But what if I'm just kidding myself? What if my "allergy" to some mystery thing is just a manifestation of the stress I'm probably stifling? What if my anhedonia makes it easy for me to continue to not feel anything, even when I need to?
  14. Saros, definitely true. I find it hard to come across someone who isn't horribly damaged and looking for more than I can give or people who are looking to secure themselves as bachelors for life. So I spend a lot of time thinking "Everyone is this way" and I just hang out with friends or by myself.
  15. "She's the kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry. Still, you don't regret a single day." Girl - The Beatles
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