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merryblue

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merryblue last won the day on September 28 2013

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    Female
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    Scotland
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    Herbal tea, psychology, cats, reading, cuddles, activism, glitter.

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  1. Perhaps grief ends when the times that you look back and remember someone and feel warm from having known them outnumber the times that you spend feeling horrified at the thought of never seeing them again. Acceptance certainly helps.. eventually you stop questioning 'why them?, why me?, this isn't fair, could I have done anything to stop this? Why didn't I tell them I loved them more often' etc. Once you can acknowledge the hopelessness of the situation without going over and over it again with nothing changing, it starts to get easier and we get used to the thought of them being further from us than before. I guess you stop mourning what could have been and appreciate what was instead. I can't say I know how to get there, it just happens..
  2. I am super surprised at the general opinion is to keep it away from social media. What if that is the only friendships/social interaction outside of work that you have? I have had a lot of support from people online. It was displaying symptoms and talking to people offline that caused me to lose a lot of 'friends.' It broke my heart. I guess its hard for some people to talk face to face but they feel they can offer some support or help from a distance. In my case I don't currently work because of my mental health ergo the government already know and it'll be on my records and medical records for life anyway. I 'came out' about my own mental health issues online through a mental health charity I volunteered for. It was a slightly detached way of dropping pretty heavy hints. From there I've been able to be a lot more open, true to myself and like I said previously, found comfort and advice and support from a surprising number of people.
  3. Ceca I don't believe you should have to change or compromise yourself for anyone other than yourself. If you meet someone who makes you want to better yourself then that is great, but it has to be for yourself and for your own good. I hope that you meet someone wonderful, as I have, who not only accepts you but adores you as you are. It most definitely is possible, don't settle for less. I apologise if my comments or opinions have made anyone feel uncomfortable in such a supportive environment.
  4. You raise a lot of great points but I'm sorry to say this just rubs me up the wrong way! There are plenty of men and women who are visually stimulated by a variety of shapes and sizes without the addition of watching more fashionably 'beautiful' people doing it! Sure it is perfectly fine if you enjoy watching that as a couple together but any man who claims to need to watch that to be aroused when he is with you isn't worth your time. You shouldn't be sleeping with someone you don't find physically attractive. There is a lot of stigma around fancying people who aren't considered beautiful by todays standards, but that doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of men and women are attracted to more normal looking people, despite what advertising and the media will tell you. Loving a larger women isn't always about having a fetish either, some people just prefer it in the same way some people prefer blondes. I'm sure it rubs a lot of people the wrong way. I respect and appreciate your opinions about what constitutes beauty, that it's in the eye of the beholder. Completely agree. But I also live in the real world and respect nature and medical opinion. Obesity is unnatural, in my opinion, and also the result of environment and media. McDonald's sells us crap that isn't good for us, and Victoria's Secret uses our insecurities against us. If we're being even-handed about advertising and media, we need to include the people who make and sell us our food, beauty and self-esteem aside. Ultimately, maybe this particular aspect of the issue doesn't belong on a depression forum, and I take responsibility for that. The issue itself is depressing enough. Regardless, Fast Food Nation was a great read. Who mentioned obesity? That is a whole other conversation and no it doesn't belong here. My point is that telling women who are unhappy with their figures to watch adult movies so that someone can bear to have sex with them is insulting, no matter how you say it. I would much rather boost the OP's confidence and make women felt great about their bodies than effectively tell them, 'well yes, you're overweight so you'll never get laid unless you lose weight or use outside stimulation to arouse a man.' It's just a bizarre suggestion for someone who is feeling insecure and actually quite a distorted view on what men's needs and desires are and what women should do to cater to them.
  5. Do you think that because you are staying with your biological dad, it is raising past issues with him and that is making you feel insecure so you are needing confirmation from your step dad that you are good enough/loved? I wonder if the issues with your biological dad is where the real problem lies.
  6. Welcome to DF. I hope you find being here helpful. It is such a relief to have people around you who understand you and can just acknowledge your feelings rather than try to fix you or talk you out of them!
  7. Welcome to the forums, I hope that you find being here a great help to you. I am glad that you have a strong support system and some good people in your life. Sadly suicidal thoughts are never based on rational assessments of your circumstances, to the outside world you can have 'everything' but depression is a thief and without your mental health nothing else matters much. Are you undergoing any treatment for your depression? Therapy? Medication? I have found therapy to be most useful but everyone is different. I can tell that you don't think very highly of yourself. Do you think that you put too much pressure on yourself because you have been given good opportunities in life? Like do you feel obliged to achieve and be perfect and live by your families standards and expectations rather than your own? I think that can be just as crippling as people who've had an absent family. You are at a good age to be getting to know yourself and discover what you truly want from life. I hope that you can soon find joy in whatever form that takes. There are a range of therapies which might help so I hope that you are able to seek professional guidance to help you conquer this.
  8. I can empathise. I lost a lot of weight last year (through bloomin hard work and a healthy diet) and yeah I was happier but I hated people pointing out to me how good I looked. It's just rude to comment on people's weight, I hate how weight loss is held in such high regard. Especially because it makes me think 'oh well you must have thought I was a right fat cow before!' Emphasis on weight is not nice, whether you have gained or lost weight. I hope you are feeling healthier soon and happy at whatever weight feels great for you!
  9. I think clinging onto faith which you no longer have is like clinging onto an unhealthy relationship. You are applying human interpretations of God's ideals onto what is actually a very healthy period of self exploration. Getting yourself away from those who were damaging you, questioning your beliefs and finding out which definition of god is suited to you all sounds very reasonable and brave. If there is a God, he/she is infinite love. Human existence isn't a punishment, a person's value certainly isn't defined by one action or period in their lives. It is not God's forgiveness you need to worry about, truly, forgive yourself.
  10. I can feel your frustration and although my situation is somewhat different I thought that I would respond. My dad moved out when I was about 9 and it broke my heart and was totally unexpected for me at least. He was still a provider, we saw him every fortnight and he tried his best to take us places, keep us entertained etc but he has just never been very good with emotional stuff. Sometimes getting him to say I love you at the end of a phone call was like pulling teeth, it was so hurtful because it made me feel as though I was unlovable. There was a lot of other stuff from my early childhood that made my relationship with my parents strange and as I got older I questioned, did they do the right thing? Was it enough? Did I agree with their choices? I was angry at them. I had to work through a lot of those issues away from them before I could confront them about it. I managed to get a letter out of my dad where he was able to express himself and answer a few of my questions and concerns, we are just not very good at communicating in person. I sent him a letter just last week telling him what issues were still unresolved for me and how I would like our relationship to change. For the first time I actually told him precisely what I needed. I told him that I needed to know that I was good enough, that I was loved, that he could forgive me for the mistakes I had made in life. I told him that despite being a very rational thinking 29 year old there was still a little girl inside me who wanted to be reassured that he daddy didn't leave her because she wasn't good enough. I also criticised some of the things that he had said and done but not in an aggressive, judgemental way, I just highlighted how some things had affected me. He emailed me straight away and answered everything very honestly and gave his perspective on things, as well as the reassurance that I needed. It took me a long time to pluck up the courage to be completely honest about what I needed, what I wanted to hear, but I am so glad that I did, after many failed attempts at face to face conversations, phone calls, letters and arguments, I finally got what I needed from him. It took me about 5 years of trying to engage in that sort of conversation, including a period of acting out, trying to get his attention. I only wish I had been really honest sooner. We can't change the past but we can assess the present and set goals for the future. So what is it that you really want to hear from your mother and step dad? What do you really feel that you need from them? Acknowledgement that they are human, that they may have made mistakes in how they raised you? Often what we perceive as really huge, obvious things that eat away at us (for example your step dad making comments which chip away at your confidence) other people don't see happening, their perception and memories of things can be very different. The only way to find that out is to confront them head on. That is the only way they can modify their behaviour. But if it is too hard or seems unproductive in person then write a letter. It gives them time to read and reread, to respond, it gives you time to be brave enough to be clear about what you want without you getting frustrated at their reaction or lack of. It gives you all a chance to speak. I hear someone who is desperate for their step dad's approval, for reassurance that you are loved as equally as if he was your biological father. Is your father in your life? Perhaps stepdad doesn't realise that you want him to fully step up as your father figure, perhaps he has kept his distance, not invested fully in you in case he was rejected by you or couldn't face losing you if he and your mum split up? Perhaps he doesn't feel it is his place to say 'I'm proud of you' in case you turned round and said 'What have you to be proud of, you're not my dad?' Obviously I don't know your situation but my point is there are two sides and many perceptions of a relationship between two people. Your parents may well have made some pretty big errors in how they have raised you, as most do, but it will be hard for them to hear that. No one wants to hear that they have made huge mistakes in how they have lived their lives or treated others. Perhaps they just feel that you needed to vent, rather than take it as a chance to discuss it with you and try to change things. But right now they are probably afraid for you, they would do anything to take your depression away from you, they've spent their lives trying to keep you healthy and happy.I am sure they would be willing to address these issues with you. They probably have no clue what is going on in your head and are tip toeing around it. Perhaps you could even show them what you have just written so they can see how you feel when they respond with 'I love you.' However you are also very blessed to have two parents who love you and want to be there for you. They are just learning how to deal with your depression, just as you are. Be patient with each other.
  11. You raise a lot of great points but I'm sorry to say this just rubs me up the wrong way! There are plenty of men and women who are visually stimulated by a variety of shapes and sizes without the addition of watching more fashionably 'beautiful' people doing it! Sure it is perfectly fine if you enjoy watching that as a couple together but any man who claims to need to watch that to be aroused when he is with you isn't worth your time. You shouldn't be sleeping with someone you don't find physically attractive. There is a lot of stigma around fancying people who aren't considered beautiful by todays standards, but that doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of men and women are attracted to more normal looking people, despite what advertising and the media will tell you. Loving a larger women isn't always about having a fetish either, some people just prefer it in the same way some people prefer blondes.
  12. I just finished 'The World According to Bob' by James Bowen, which is an amazing autobiographical book about a homeless ex- illegal drug addict who is able to rebuild his life after forging a friendship with a stray cat. Heart warming stuff! I am now reading Cranford by Elizabeth Gaskell (I loved the TV series, so thought I had better read the original!) I also have several self help books on the go including 'Waiting for Jack' and 'The courage to heal workbook'.I dip in and out of these books when I feel I can.
  13. I think you are friends, even if it is only during working hours. It is clearly not in your nature to not try to form some sort of bond with people. Some jobs can be very draining, for those of us who find it hard to remain detached. In hindsight do you feel as though you over reacted when you felt ignored? It seems to me you saw it as some of rejection when that might not have been the case at all. Your client is most likely very confused now, upset even. I would do what I could to put them at ease again and reassure them that you are their friend because you want to be, not just because you get paid to be. If you feel you are giving too much of yourself and investing too much emotionally in our job it might be time to change your job.
  14. Yes it is upsetting. Just because the people who do these things are mentally ill does not mean that all mentally ill people are capable of or likely to do such things. I actually really hate the sensationalism and tired debates that pop up when these things happen. Of course my heart always breaks for the victims and communities but I feel so sad for most of the perps too because what if they had been brave enough to seek help before it was too late? Or if they had someone looking out for them who could see the signs? If there was less stigma around it, more people would ask for help and not see it as a sign of weakness. Notice that the majority, if not all of these cases are male too. Men and much less likely to seek help in time and statistically more likely to **** themselves. The weapons debate is something else entirely and coming from the UK I will keep out of it but I am so grateful that here gun crimes are at a minimum, I think it's insane how freely available and acceptable guns are in the US. It is very different culture indeed. One that America is welcome to keep!
  15. I was only 25ish but I moved to the opposite end of the country to get away from my life and moved in with my dad after breaking up with my partner of 4 years. I became an alcoholic, I wasn't working and was on welfare, I had no real friends and lets just say I did a lot of things I'm not proud of to try to gain people's love and affection. I also did a lot of things in my addiction that I will always be ashamed and live in fear of. Honestly I was a mess and at my lowest ever point. I had completely lost myself and tried to **** myself and was completely out of control and unstable. I was lucky enough to have got back in touch with an old friend about a year before this and we talked online most days. Our feelings grew steadily over time, until we finally admitted that we had fallen in love. Our relationship is built on a very strong friendship (which meant that he had helped me through some terrible times and knew all of my demons and health/emotional problems.) Learning to accept his love and accept myself is an uphill battle but I am so happy to be with him, he means the world to me and we are inseparable and engaged to be married. I know I was a little younger than you, but I never knew that it was possible to love and be loved like this. I hated myself so much and let men and women treat me like dirt because I thought so little of myself. The one good relationship I had I messed up because I couldn't handle being treated with kindness so I set about destroying it so I couldn't be the one to get hurt. He sees past all of the drama and the pain and loves me for who I am at the very core of me. He sees beauty in me that I felt I had lost long ago. We are so compatible, I am amazed at how things have worked out and how well matched we turned out to be. Just know that there is always someone or several someones out there for everyone. I didn't think I would still be alive a few years ago, let alone this stable. I am far from cured but my life has changed in so many ways for the better, I am sober and I am slowly finding the courage and self respect that I need to rebuild my life again. There are thousands of people who will feel as badly about themselves as you do right now, depression is such an isolating illness. But know that you are loveable, I am sure that you have a lot to give and I truly hope that find someone who can see the light in you, even when you lose sight of it yourself. Do whatever you can to help to build your confidence and accept yourself as you are. It just makes it that little bit easier to accept others attention and affection. Aim for finding companionship and friendship and see where that takes you. Also I think that there is a lot of pressure for people of your age to have achieved certain things or to be living a certain way and it is all BS. We all have to find our own path in life, so try not to compare yourself to others. I'm sorry I can't be of more help to you but I was really touched by what you wrote and just wanted to let you I was listening. Be good to yourself.
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