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climber1

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Everything posted by climber1

  1. Hi, I've had exacally the same thing, accept for the fact that my friend fell out with me when I misunderstood her request and I thought I was helping and she thought I was snooping. I feel the same as you, except that I have too sets of feelings, one that I've lost a wonderful friend, but the other is anger, over the way she's cut me out of her life. She's now for the first time told me not to contact her, or she'll be forced to take action. I don't want to upset her, but the whole thing has caused me to need councilling. I think that if I could stay angry with her, it would cancel out the feelings of the lost friendship, but now I'm worried that if I see her and say anything she'll report me for harassment, even though I've only sent her a few messages in the last three months. So it feels like my hands are tied. So I guess what I'm saying is that if I concentrate on the reality of how badly I've been treated this could cancel out the good feelings I have and help me deal with loosing her. It sounds bad, but it's really standing up for myself and not taking the punishment. Maybe looking at this from the point of view of how badly you've been treated can help you see that, you've only lost a poor friend, as a good one would forgive you. My friend wouldn't forgive me, even when I asked her to. This is just my idea, it may not work, I'm no expert, just trying to help.
  2. Hi all, I've had an ongoing problem that has left me very depressed, I've been having councilling for months. Basically I was very good friends with a single girl and used to spend a lot of time with her, most days running etc. my girlfriend was jealous, which I can understand. My friend went abroad for three several months and while she was away, I went half way round the world to visit her. While she was away I once called at her house to make sure it was ok, she went up the wall and from this point on she started to dissolve the friendship. I tried to explain that I was trying to help, but she thought I'd been snooping. I had done lots of things for her, odd jobs, car repairs and taken her things while she was out of the country and always tried to be the best friend I could. She gradually cut me out of online games etc and when she returned to the country made excuses not to see me. This hurt me so much. She then said I could only see her when my girlfriend was present, which made running impossible. When I asked her to order me something online she refused, this made me angry so I pointed out all the things I'd done for her. She then told me I'd upset her and stopped replying to my messages. In the last three months I've sent her 10 messages which she has ignored, non threatening, most asking why she'd done this to me or explaining how she'd hurt me, the other couple were asking if she wanted possessions back. I notice yesterday that I'd been deleted by her on a training app, so I sent a message saying why and that we'd talk about it when we met. I received a message saying not to contact her in anyway and if I did she would be forced to take action, it was very threatening and also upsetting for me as she said I'd made her feel unsafe, which is the last thing I ever wanted. I will not contact her now, but we live quite close and will bump into each other and I have so many things that I want to say mostly, how could you be so cold. Why is it that this person can hurt me time after time, deliberately and I feel powerless to fight back, I can't say or do anything, I feel beaten, hurt, used yet I don't hate her, I want her to be happy. All I seem to be able to do is obey her wishes and let her control me. I need to feel equal. I think she is paranoid, as I'm a helpful kind person, but she is worried about me and I don't want that. I'm asking for advice, but I can't see any options, here's hoping, because I feel in a corner, with no hope and worried about bumping into her and causing her to report me.
  3. Why is it , when one part of my life improves, another gets worse. Since going out last week with my friend, are friendship has improved, a few text messages then she's came to the pub and we started to get on like we used to, comfortable and relaxed together. My girlfriend on the other hand has been moody and complaining that I'm trying to hard with my friend, and complaining that she was being forced into a friendship with my friend. My friend has been trying so hard to be friendly with my girlfriend, I think it's so she's not seen as a threat to our relationship, but it also could be away of fending off any hassel that she thinks could be coming her way, due to the amount of time we have spent togeather in the past, but it doesn't help me, with my girlfriends situation, although I think my friend thinks it does. I had a theropy session this afternoon, I told the theropist about my relationship with my girlfriend and my friend and ended up saying that my girlfriend doesn't make me happy but my friend does. it was a major realisation and I don't mean I'd rather be in a relationship with my friend, but what it does mean is that my relationship with my girlfriend isn't very good. I'm not sure what to do now, with my girlfriend, with my friend I'll just carry on trying to be the best friend I can. This is all difficult to deal with, my girlfriend is away all weekend and I don't want to try and meet my friend because it will look like I'm trying to meet up secretly and neither my friend or my girlfriend, would be pleased, but it leaves me lonely. It's going to be a poor weekend.
  4. Thanks for the reply skinnymaybelle, it's great to have someone on my side, instead of hearing that I'm not doing things right. I was thinking of picking something differant to do next time, trouble is I don't think my girlfriend will come, no matter what it is and I'll get grief for trying to see my friend. I do think a lot of my friend, partly because she brought me happiness last year when I was coming out of depression and she gave me hope, so I try to repay her, by treating her the best I can, which probably means I've neglected my girlfriend, however my girlfriend didn't even notice my depression, doesn't treat me particularly well and I'm fairly sure she's jealous of my friend. The other confusing thing is, my friend used to back me up, if my girlfriend gave me grief and didn't seem to like my girlfriend, now she's trying very hard to be friends with her, as if she wants to get the ok to be friends with me, either that or she's worried that she's going to get the blame for me going on holiday with her this summer and I have to take all the responsibility for that. If nothing else has come out of this, then I've found a place with wonderfull people who help me. Thank you skinnymaybelle, your support really helps
  5. Hi all, I'm trying to work out what to do now, after Friday my friendship is progressing, but my girlfriend isn't reacting very well. On Friday she complain that she wasn't asked about which pubs we went in and gave me abuse when we played pool and generally found fault with anything she could. My girlfriend has been very off with me since, I'm guessing that as in the past she thinks I'm putting my friend first, as I've only seen my friend twice in two months, this is hardly the case, but she has acussed me of being obsessed. This all depresses me and I just want to stay away from my girlfriend. Maybe this has been the problem all along, that she wants to control me and my friend has not wanted to get in trouble with her and that's why she only wants to see us togeather. It's going to be hard to get my girlfriend to come along next time we go out, I need to come up with something other than a meal. It's becoming hard work and when it goes well with one it goes badly with the other. May be the problem hasn't been my friend all along, it's been the girlfriend. I'd be interested to know opinions, particularly skinnymaybelle, you seem to have a knack of pulling me though
  6. Hi all, I'm trying to work out what to do now, after Friday my friendship is progressing, but my girlfriend isn't reacting very well. On Friday she complain that she wasn't asked about which pubs we went in and gave me abuse when we played pool and generally found fault with anything she could. My girlfriend has been very off with me since, I'm guessing that as in the past she thinks I'm putting my friend first, as I've only seen my friend twice in two months, this is hardly the case, but she has acussed me of being obsessed. This all depresses me and I just want to stay away from my girlfriend. Maybe this has been the problem all along, that she wants to control me and my friend has not wanted to get in trouble with her and that's why she only wants to see us togeather. It's going to be hard to get my girlfriend to come along next time we go out, I need to come up with something other than a meal. It's becoming hard work and when it goes well with one it goes badly with the other. May be the problem hasn't been my friend all along, it's been the girlfriend. I'd be interested to know opinions, particularly skinnymaybelle, you seem to have a knack of pulling me though
  7. Hi all, I'm trying to work out what to do now, after Friday my friendship is progressing, but my girlfriend isn't reacting very well. On Friday she complain that she wasn't asked about which pubs we went in and gave me abuse when we played pool and generally found fault with anything she could. My girlfriend has been very off with me since, I'm guessing that as in the past she thinks I'm putting my friend first, as I've only seen my friend twice in two months, this is hardly the case, but she has acussed me of being obsessed. This all depresses me and I just want to stay away from my girlfriend. Maybe this has been the problem all along, that she wants to control me and my friend has not wanted to get in trouble with her and that's why she only wants to see us togeather. It's going to be hard to get my girlfriend to come along next time we go out, I need to come up with something other than a meal. It's becoming hard work and when it goes well with one it goes badly with the other. May be the problem hasn't been my friend all along, it's been the girlfriend. I'd be interested to know opinions, particularly skinnymaybelle, you seem to have a knack of pulling me though
  8. Last night went ok, I felt that our friendship was returning. My friend tried to boss the night, but I didn't let her take over, my girlfriend agreed that my friend does like to take control. A couple of coincidences also changed the mood, I bumped into a mutual friend who's just recovering from breast cancer surgery and my friend hadn't realised that I'd been helping her recover, also another friend just happened to be in the pub after the meal and he lives 300 miles away and just happen to be up with work. So these things lifted my mood and also made my friend realise that she wasn't the centre of the universe. I felt that our friendship had returned, however my girlfriend really doesn't like her, so that's going to cause problems. My mood is better now, because I feel like I have more control, but I still need to tell my friend how low she made me feel.
  9. I had my first session of face to face theropy yesterday, I couldn't believe how good the therapist was, it really felt that someone was on my side for once. I've got my next night out with my friend and chaperon tomorrow and I'm feeling stronger. I'm going to enjoy it but I'm not going to take any criticism or the blame for everything, apparently the therapist says I've been treated badly and I'm quite within my rights to point it out. I've also had a hard week at work and my sciatica has returned, so I need this to go well for me, or it's back down again, it's a tricky situation.
  10. Thanks Skinnymaybelle, your support has been wonderful, if I can help in return in anyway, I'd be happy to
  11. Hi, all was going well, but now my girlfriend is complaining that my friend is trying to be friends with her and she feels forced into a friendship and I can sort of understand what she's saying. My friend has asked her to be friends on Facebook, but she's declined and my girlfriend isn't too happy that we are all going out again, when we wouldn't normally do this sort of thing. She's also quizzing me as to why I'm putting so much effort into making the friendship work after my friend has been acting strange towards me. My answer is that we used to be such good mates I'd like things to go back to that and that I think she only shuned me because of a misunderstanding and it would be sad to loose a friend of something stupid. I didn't expect my girlfriend to complain so much about a night out and now it's starting to get to me and I'm starting to resent my friend insisting we do things this way and also trying to befriend my girlfriend and still not having much to do with me. I can't seem to do right and I'm trying so hard, my girlfriend says to hard, I think she thinks I fancy my friend.
  12. Thanks for your reply. My girlfriend doesn't mind me telling people I'm in a relationship with her, but she doesn't want me confiding in friends, anything about that relationship, if I'm down, which stops me getting support from friends. I don't know the reason why I can't talk to my girlfriend, it's probably because I don't want to look week, but for dome reason it doesn't bother me when telling friends. I don't think she's ashamed of me, I think she just wants me all to herself, but that makes me feel like a possession. She is quite jealous, if I spend time with friends. I love having friends, but I agree if I do confide in them they do have the power to hurt me. I hope this explains more.
  13. Hi, having posted on here a few times recently, I've noticed something about myself, which I'd never realised before. I've been having relationship problems with my friend and girlfriend and I've notice that, one reason for some of the problems is I can't talk to my girlfriend, I hate telling her anything personnel, yet I can tell my friend anything and I have other friends who I can also tell very private things. I also get told by my girlfriend not to tell my friends about our relationship, so who and I supposed to talk to? But the main trend I recognised was that I can't talk to my girlfriend or family and I never have been able to. Is this normal, or is there a reason?
  14. Hi thanks for the encouragement, I think this is still at a delicate stage, but I've a good feeling about it. I do get a bit paranoid though, the more I stop and think what could go wrong.
  15. Hi, I've had some good news. I was supposed to be running a marathon with my friend at the weekend but she said she couldn't make it, so I went ahead and ran it and did reasonably well. I then had a cognitive theropy session on Tuesday and we used this problem for the session. I arrived at an action plan, which was to invite my friend out with me and my girlfriend. I phoned my friend, thinking she'd not want to come and was suprised to hear that she was in a good mood and that she'd love to go out. We've now arranged this and I'm much happier, my girlfriend isn't to pleased as she can't understand why I'm trying so hard, with this friendship, but it means a lot to me and it's now some way to being repaired I think. I realise that any little set back could plunge me into the dark again, but all of a sudden my head can stop going round and round and I've now had a good nights sleep, which is a new thing for me. It sounds so simple, but it's not been easy
  16. Hi, just a quick question. Should I tell my friend that I'm having the theropy, because of our friendship?
  17. Hi, thanks again for the reply. The only problem with running cycling and swimming is, it's what we used to do togeather, so I go places we used to go togeather and it upsets me, because it brings back memories. After running a marathon apparently it's common to get low, so I've now got that on top of my other problems and now I'm heading back to work, to do 12 hour night shifts.
  18. Hi, I've given her space and not blamed her for anything, I ran a marathon in Spain at the weekend, mainly as it was her idea, she didn't come various excuses, but I've not complained even though I went though a lot of pain and suffering that I wouldn't have done if she hadn't suggested it. So I'm keeping my side of the bargain, no secrets no presents or anything that could be looked on as stalking and maybe she'll realise one day, the trouble is when we were doing things togeather it was wonderful, some of the best times of my life.
  19. Thank you, I've always tried to be a good person, it's just not always that easy. I just have so many things that aren't right in my life, work, relationships, health etc it's hard to get through and I realise that things aren't perfect all the time, so what things should I change and the worry is if I change things, job, girlfriend, will I actually make things worse. I've always managed to do impossible things in sport, against the odds, but I can't even hold on to the best friend I've ever had
  20. Hi, I've posted on here before about a friend who's reevaluated our friendship, which was very close, but she's decided that it wasn't open enough and there were to many secrets that my girlfriend didn't know about. The secrets were not sexual, but just things that it was easier not to tell my girlfriend, presents, meals, etc. Yesterday was my first session with my therapist, she told me that, I can't alter the way my friend is thinking and that I have to give her space and if she wants to continue our friendship with new rules them that's what I must do ( this is what I have been doing) I can follow this advice but it will hurt and I'm already depressed through other thinks, sports injuries, work, lack of sleep and a poor relationship with my girlfriend. After the session I felt ok but one subject that came up was stalking, as I'd had a misunderstanding with my friend when she had been over seas where I had taken her post in and made sure the house was ok, she thought I had just taken advantage of the empty house, nothing was further from the true, I'd just wanted to make sure her house was ok, as I knew she would be very upset if it wasn't . In the heat of the moment my friend said I had stalking tendencies, the comment hurt deeply and has stuck, even though she hasn't said it again. The therapist told me yesterday that, my buying my friend gifts and general acts that I thought were kindness, could be seen as stalking even though I'd done these things openly with a close friend. This was devastating, not only does my friend want to change our friendship, but she could well be seeing me as a stalker, I already felt depressed now I feel like a bad person and all I've tried to do is be the best friend I could possibly be. I've wondered weather to contact my friend to ask if she does see me this way and try and reassure her, but I'm not sure if this would change anything. I'm starting to think that there won't be anymore happyness in my life and I've nothing to look forward to, so what's the point of going on.
  21. Hi, I didn't. Think she fancied me, but thinking about it, this could be it and she feels rejected because I've not made a move. We have been as close as friends could ever get, but when we first started being friends she told me she didn't want a relationship with anyone. Although we have never done anything sexually, she has given me massagers and we are very comfortable together, or were. The person who suggested that she fancied me last night has seen us together, so maybe she's seen something I've missed
  22. Hi again, not sure but another friend of mine suggested that maybe the problem was my friend fancied me, it never entered my head. But men think differantly to women
  23. Hi, thank you for your reply, if I'm honesty this problem had pushed me to the point of thinking about suiside. . I enjoyed the time we spent togeather so much and I find it hard to think of her in a bad way. I don't think she would put a restraining order out, as I have respected her wishes and always will. We had such wonderful times togeather, I'm broken and the main reason is, I don't think she fully understands and I traveled half way round the world to see her.
  24. Hi thanks for the reply, my friend has made me very happy in the past and until now has never let me down, I'm clinging on to the fact that she come good. She is defiantly making my depression worse, it's the not being able to speak to her that's making it worse and I lie awake at night trying to think of a solution. I've managed to get some counselling arranged today, but I can't really see what they can do, but I'll give it ago. My mutual friend has sent her a message today asking if she will restart our friendship, her reply is that she'll consider it, better than no I suppose.
  25. I saw my friend last night in the local shop, I said hi, offered her a lift, which she didn't need, then left. It was awfull, like having a restraining order. It made me very sad and I was very tempted to message her asking her to explain why I'm being punished, but I didn't
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