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Everything posted by afflicted

  1. I would like to think that I'm generally a good person, if by good we mean having a sense of empathy and generosity to others. I think that a majority of people would agree that they try to do best by those closest to them (and in the context of their culture) and to have at least some decency for the rest. There are two ways, however, where I think the need to be 'good' can become a problem: 1) You try to make everyone happy all of the time. This is simply impossible. If you try, you will find yourself being taken advantage of frequently. Others will disrespect you because they know that they can get away with it. 2) You become zealous/self-righteous, attempting to rise above humanity. Others will react to this as arrogance and will have contempt for you because we all have our shadow/primitive side to acknowledge. I'm having to come to terms with this right now in that much of what I value is just not going to happen in reality. Whenever you're dealing with people, including yourself, you eventually hit a wall. We are both 'good' and 'bad'. It's just a matter of finding the right times to entertain our 'bad' so that it doesn't take us over. Complete repression is dangerous. Please contact this member for the video link.
  2. Hi Fizzle, Thanks for sharing. As you know, I also struggle with thoughts that people are immoral and untrustworthy and will harm me. In therapy, I'm having to acknowledge where this all comes from and it's a very uncomfortable process, not that it's anything new but because I now realize that some things have been more impactful than I've given credit for in the past.. they must have been. I strongly suspect that I've developed a paranoid cognition (PPD) as a result of invalidation, teasing/harassment, and odd trauma from peers and family in combination with my naturally shy, sensitive temperament (also add in the fact that my family failed to teach me certain living skills in my development). I was a convenient target for people growing up, I think. What is produced is a history of isolation, hypervigilance, and social 'blindness'.. so depression that is fueled by perceiving frequent threats (real or deluded) from others. It is happening as I speak. The self-hatred piece steps in when I find that there's nothing I can change about my environment to better make myself comfortable and so my mind begins turning on itself, where I feel I must change/adapt to everything I find terrible in the world so I can function in it. That's a precursor for suicide because in those moments occur the destruction of self. When this is happening, it takes away from the reward of helping others because I think that I should be in a better space in order to do so (shame). I have to be honest in that I don't have all of the answers for this right now but that I do relate (I think) to some of what you're experiencing. We have to do our best to keep moving. I've come up with a few things specific to me that I need to work on/obtain to improve my situation: need to develop healthy relationships to increase trust (critical)must work on social skillsspend less time alone, generallydiscover new hobbies/interestsimprove livings kills to decrease outside sources of anxietyget a pet?realize that, unfortunately, invalidation is a given no matter how I behave or what I believe so I need to determine what criticism is constructive vs. ignorant (in which case confront or forget)ask for reality checks often (as awkward as this can be)Again, I don't know if you're in a different place (I haven't been around DF as much as I used to) and maybe none of this is helpful to you but I thought I'd share anyways.
  3. If you have feelings for this person, let him know. Make it simple and straightforward.
  4. So I posted this back in September and here we are in June. She's not going to be around much longer. I haven't felt this way about anyone else before. I want to say something but I haven't. I don't want to take anything away from what she has. I don't know what to do.
  5. I don't think it's the case for me that I assume no attention is negative. It's knowing that I stand out, even when I'm not trying to, and others don't get it. It will attract attention that is negative as a consequence. Occasionally I might experience a positive response from others but it's been comparatively rare.
  6. Took day off. Well, what I want is staring me in the face a couple days a week but she is not available. And the online thing is disappointing like that. I am proud of who I am, yes. What I mean by accepting myself, emotionally, is to realize that not everyone will want to understand or accept me, especially given my unconventional views. I have to be willing to let go of that desire. It's hard. Not quite a school setting. More like a training. But I do remember this feeling back in school. I did exceptionally well, academically, but I didn't always enjoy it and rarely did I think it was useful. I actually pull attention towards me when I don't want it. I may not want to care because of that attention. I get burned out of caring. I get caught up in the focus on me and I begin to question the intent of others because I've experienced some invalidations/misunderstandings in the past. I'm primed for it. I tend to assume the attention is negative or has an agenda behind it because it has been the case before. At the same time, yes, it does seem like no one cares about me, at least not in a way that reflects the closeness that I want. It's fine if most don't care for me like that as long as there are a few that do. I really wish I could visit a lot of people here online.
  7. Well, it's part of it. Let's just say the likelihood/chances are narrowed down considerably given what I'm seeking. If you felt you had no family or other meaningful relationships - it's just you each and every day for years - do you see what that can do to someone? Hell, even those without a home typically have someone.Throw in everything else that has gone on and there's a problem. Hi Fizzle. The only thing that I'm trying to change is how much I care about what others think about me. I am accepting who I am and the values that I hold on an emotional level (I'm already there intellectually). If I felt more at ease with myself then others won't concern me so much, at least that's the theory. I know I deserve that contact in my life. I need it. Soon. Thanks for checking in.
  8. There is one person that I think is a fit, for the most part, but it's not possible. There is perhaps a few others but there's a distance issue. Outside of that, I guess I haven't met them yet.
  9. Yes, I need to talk about this somehow. Thanks for responses. This is bad stuff. I don't want to end up at the hospital again or dead. But I also don't want to end up alive and miserable.
  10. Well, I've cared a lot.. about what others think of me. In fact, that seems to occupy much of my thought process on a daily basis. It's very self-absorbed. I can help others but I don't like feeling obligated. I want to know others on a deep level but I also know that most are not comfortable with that so I have to default to menial conversation and I can't stand that.. to the point where I don't want to participate at all. It's both a combination of nervousness/discomfort and even disgust at that point. I don't know how it would blow up in my face. I haven't said anything that would warrant that response, at least not that I'm aware of. But who knows, maybe they are interpreting my attitude as disrespectful or malicious. I have a hard time asking for help because I don't know what to do about this. Anyone can say try to sleep better or "get out and do X, Y, Z". And I do try. But what's missing from my life is human contact. Intimacy/love/affection. With a select chosen few who share enough in common. That's not easily/readily available. Anything else is just spin wheels at a different pace.
  11. @mdw4680 - It's apathy. It's anhedonia. It's disappointment. It's rage. It's sadness. It's alienation. It's loneliness. It's a lot of things. I'm just spinning wheels with no reward. @Teddy545 - I do check my PMs here once in a while. Maybe read a few threads. But yeah, I've kind of retired from posting. I don't know. I kind of hope that a few people I know from outside of DF will see this, as I suspect they might have been around here before, and help in some way. Don't know what they can do but still.
  12. I was sitting in a room full of people, where we're all supposed to be digesting information, and I found myself spacing out nearly the entire time. I space out a lot, admittedly, but this time I found myself entirely unable to care. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to converse at all. I felt like everyone's happy energy, or perhaps just good acting, was weighing on me. I could tell that others were concerned for me and could detect a negative, apathetic, or even hostile mood I was in. I suppose I could describe it as some combination of these. At one point, someone tried to include me into a conversation and I was very irritated by the attempt. I really struggled to answer the question and it caused me to feel both nervous and angry and I couldn't really hide it well. I didn't explode or anything, it was just apparent that I was not in good 'spirits'. I had to leave the building and walk around for a few minutes. The rest of the time I just spent sitting there fidgeting, rarely talking at all, just like yesterday. Now that I think of it, I experience this a lot – the not caring thing. I mean, if I did, why would I zone out so much? I'm starting to ask some tough questions in my head: Do I care about what I'm doing or is that just a forced, fraudulent effort? Am I a bad fit? And when am I ever happy? What am I getting out of life? Those last few questions have an answer and it scares me.. No, I'm not happy and I can't recall the last time that I was. I don't think I'm getting anything out of life. Instead, it's just going through the motions, always doing what needs to be done and living inside of my head the rest of the time. I do have a 'rich inner world' as some might describe it but it's not a very healthy one because it's often at odds with my environment. I'm determined and I have a good set of values, yes, but it's like a constant friction. Anyone who has been around to read some of my posts here on DF will recognize this so I won't get into it. I am working on self-acceptance and giving less significance to what others might think of me in attempts to alleviate some social anxieties. I am in therapy and even went to a support group a few days ago. I try to get out and do things, like go to a movie, the mall, or the park. Try talking with my housemates. I'm looking into hobbies/distractions (even bought a damn RC drone for some reason). I make small attempts to work out and eat healthier. I do all of these things because otherwise I'd just be sitting at home in my free time, alone, staring at this computer screen or the wall. I don't have a family that I actually consider family, or friends that I actually consider friends (why would I want simple, surface level friendships anyways?), and certainly no close, romantic/intimate relationships. While I do very much want the last bit, I don't know if I'm datable in the traditional sense, which is what most women seem to want/expect. To wrap all of this up, I've reached a point, I think, where I just don't want to give a ****. Maybe that's good in some ways but it has some potential to impact my future very negatively, at least in comparison to others around me. I'm depressed, yes, but it's gone beyond that now. I'm not loved/desired in ways that I would like to be and I don't view myself as necessary. I feel like a mood sink to others but I can't get myself to conjure the energy needed to at least try to make it seem as though I'm OK. You know, half-xxx it. A part of my mind seems to have broke. I have to decide if living like this is worth it to me. Well, of course it's not worth it to me but what else can I do? I don't want to end my life - I have no active intent/plan - but I don’t' really want to live it either, not like this. That could, I suppose, change if I experienced sudden setbacks because there is no love to receive and no one to give to. At this time, and for the longest time now, there seems to be two modes of operation for me: barely there and holding on OR excruciating pain. I think this will be the last topic of mine here on DF as I find myself visiting less often these days. I don't know what purpose this long post serves and I don't like complaining, and regardless of what I try and tell myself, I feel the same way after every post. I must be getting something out of it, though, right? Otherwise why would I post? It's some sad attempt to reach out but I know it's not enough to satisfy me. Ok, I'm done. Thanks for reading.
  13. I want to expand on this more. I think it is possible to begin that process and it starts with parenting. To change something like this would take generations to realize because it would take a cultural shift (more like revolution). It's not that we wouldn't identify as male or female anymore but instead it would only refer to sex. Gender, a social construct, would cease to exist in our minds. There would be no need for codification of color, appearance, activities, and of course behavior. The person would be free to express themselves as they see fit, instead of having to feel pressure to conform to ridiculous and even harmful assembly line standards. Hi Mavigo, It is challenging, especially when so few seem to relate to what you want. I think for those of us who do feel this way, it can be very hard to function in a world that is determined to break people. I'm not sure what values you identify with but if it's anything like what I have listed then I can understand the despair. I'm sorry that you had a fallout with a friend of 10 years. That sucks. Hopefully there are others that will step in and be supportive of what you're looking for.
  14. I never thought I would say this, but it sucks to know exactly what you want. I have to have a sense of humor about this, I guess. It makes me feel like such a stranger in the world. Hmm.. I'll have to look for that. Yeah, you're right. From my perspective, it's hard to understand what's so disagreeable/uncomfortable about what I seek.
  15. Please refer to #16 in my response to Reggie & Michelle. Thanks! I might send a PM once in a while. I prefer to start with depth. I don't know what step that is. But you're right. The reason we can't always do that is because of the mere fact that untrustworthy people exist. I have a hard time believing we would spend so much time talking about what we ate for breakfast every day or faking interest in an assortment of things if we could trust each other. I don't even think we really like to talk about those things to the extent that we do. Am I wrong? The reason I would start with offering more personal information is because it would invite others to share who they are beneath the surface, which is something that is missing in our Facebook culture. I would like to see people free from the feelings of shame that come with vulnerability. But as long as there are enough a******s out there with a game to play, it won't happen. We will remain locked inside our minds and closed off from that connection/community we seek, only barely scratching the surface in our relationships.
  16. No, I hope to befriend people that already share a great deal in common. Definitely, if they're the wrong people. I'm glad that you at least have your boyfriend, even if he's a couple hours away.
  17. Fizzle - At this point, I only expect to find a few people that share 'preferences'. One thing that I have a hard time with is the neutrality that you describe. If everyone's way was the right way, well, that seems like a problem. If someone's choice is to harm another because their motivation and priority is power/control, I'm not going to respect that. If we have systems in place that exploit/hijack our being, I'm not going to respect that. They aren't simply differences. They are wrong. I think it's dangerous to assume that all views are equal and deserve respect. That seems to be the message, however, these days: Respect everyone and everything regardless of what is said or done in the name of multiculturalism. I can't tell you how much that troubles me. I don't see it as an intellectual exercise to accept everyone's choices because there are wrong choices, either on a personal level or as a collective. The intellectual exercise is to learn from our mistakes. Maybe this will sound arrogant, I don't know. But it's time for us to get rid of the BS unless we want more of the same. I certainly don't. Anyways, you're right about the 'process'. It's unwise to be so trusting in the world we currently live in.
  18. Thanks everyone for your replies. ReggieSherman & Michelle38 - I'll start off with explaining what changes I'm seeking. Some of my older posts would go into detail but here's what I want to see reflected in my environment as concise as I can put it: To live without the artificial, unnecessary restraints that govern our behavior. I envision a people that have discarded the norms and traditions that have no relation to safety. What is valued is what is true and what gains us the most freedom as long as no one is directly harmed. What does this mean? 1) No gender codification, 2) No religion or need for mysticism, 3) No ownership of other people (responsibility to someone is not ownership), leading to the acceptance of polyamory, 4) The end of manipulative marketing practices/vanity.That's a pretty good start. scienceguy - Thank you for sharing that. I think what I experience is similar but there are key differences. There is definitely a shared feeling of vulnerability/weakness in certain social interactions, but for me that plays out because it seems as though others are interested in social power play. I think others took advantage of my kindness when I was younger and in some respects still do. Others might see me as distant only because I hold myself back. I really want connection and to avoid the superficial. Fizzle - I don't actually do much skipping of steps when I meet new people. An exception would be in the context of my job. But outside of that, there's a real conflict going on. I don't like the process that you describe but I would follow through with it in most interactions. What I want to do, however, is begin with depth and screen people out quickly. I want to trust people. That wanting conflicts with learned distrust of people. The desire for connection and the wading through the superficial to get there kills me. I mean, if I had a choice, I'd much rather take that process in reverse where the trivial/side tidbits of information are shared later, after that connection has been established. In a way, that's how I've operated here on DF. I'm just now starting to visit the "off topic" sections occasionally. Funny, but that seems to be how I operate internally. I want to know who people are on a deeper level before I indulge in the random.
  19. Hi Fizzle, It's good to see that you're back! I haven't been posting much lately. More reading than anything. I do see a lot of what he's describing here on DF. It's like what's happening is the dissatisfaction we feel in our environment is being misdirected toward ourselves. It's that criticism turned inward. I think our experience of depression and anxiety, in that context, is a call to action that isn't being satisfied or we don't believe can be achieved. That would depend on what the alternative is. There's this idea out there that everyone's views/lifestyles are equal, freely chosen, and that there's no better way of doing anything. I don't agree with that. But yes, I'm trying to stop wrestling for control over my environment in my head because that does nothing but cause pain. I realize that the best thing I can do is to seek out the things that I value most for myself (and discard things that have none). Maybe others will catch on and maybe not. My first challenge is to find those who share enough in common.
  20. I think that there tends to be pressure on women to look certain ways, just as there is for men to act certain ways. It sucks. Media definitely has influence. But so does family, peers, and everyone else that has had a hand in our development. What do I find attractive in women? That depends. If a woman is very physically attractive but I find isn't compatible, I would rate low. If I think a woman is moderately attractive physically and pulls me in with her personality, I would rate high. Physical attributes that I like: 1) Ass-ets. Honestly, I probably spend more time that I'd like to admit scanning for this. 2) Eyes. Holy sh*t the eyes. Like they can pierce through me. 3) Medium-Large size breasts (although I'd rather like smaller, natural ones better than bigger fake ones) 4) Hair. Not very picky but I tend to like longer styles. Some short styles are sexy though. Color doesn't matter that much. 5) Overall, slim or medium build w/curves. Not too slim (stick figure). Personality attributes that I like: 1) Honesty 2) Intellect 3) Satirical/edgy sense of humor 4) Kind (except when #3) 5) Seductive
  21. adamrparr - That's great that AA has provided you with all of those things. Finding a depression/mood disorder group might seem like the right direction and that's what brought me here but I've discovered that my experience of those things are secondary. I don't view my own experience of depression within a medical/disease model. Michelle38 - No, I definitely cannot force/control others to consider possibilities. The best way to try and influence your environment, however, is to be the difference and build on that. That's what I'm seeking to establish. If enough people are willing to invest, then you have a presence. That's how movements are started. As to looking elsewhere, I've already started that process. I've cut contact with most of my family entirely. I'm trying to figure out who, if any, of my coworkers are of the same mindset. And it would be nice to know if anyone on DF does as well. Meetup seems to have become really popular and it's been recommended to me several times. But I don't think there's a group that encompasses everything that I'm looking for. If I was to go that route, I would be selecting multiple, specific groups. Meetup seems to be on the lighter side of things compared to what I'm after.. hobbies, yoga/meditation, pets, and whatnot. But there are some interesting ones regarding relationships I might investigate. Teddy - It's so easy for someone to tell you to 'make friends'. But if you're looking for specific things in people, that is difficult. What are some traits/values you are looking for in your friendships?
  22. I met with my t today. She is having some trouble establishing a treatment plan for me. She thinks that I've suffered complex and ongoing trauma, which I think is true in some contexts. She wants to be able to provide a space where she can model what it's like to have a person who takes me seriously and where I can feel understood/validated (secure attachment). It's a development of trust that I can apply to relationships outside of therapy. This is all well and good, provided I find the right people. What I've found is that I'm willing to be very open, honest, and rational but it's not reciprocated or reflected in my environment. There are walls everywhere and people who actively try to manipulate and project their crap. Some would call that life, I call it institutionalized, mind-f*****g BS. So, we concluded the session with what I've known all along. Where is the support? Where are these people that share such values.. who aren't busy trying to stick everyone in boxes and who ask themselves enough questions? Where are the people who aren't willing to sacrifice the truth for some false sense of belonging? It certainly isn't my family and it's not most people I've come across. I told my t that what I initially was seeking from therapy is to decrease my anxiety to a point where I can make connections and then proceed to make a bigger difference in the world. But she correctly points out to me that without those relationships to start with, my baseline anxiety won't budge. I need to have the relationships first before I can hope to put a dent in anxiety/depression. As it is now, I am my only support. She looked at me with a concerning, caring expression when I said that. Every time I walk out of that office, I revisit just how alone I feel. Not just in a personal sense, but that of a human sense. So, where are you people? I want to be the change I believe in and I want true belonging. I'm sick of doing this on my own, in my head, and merely typing words on a screen. I don't need 'treatment'. I need a community.
  23. Find something to ground yourself without committing philosophical suicide. I might recommend reading The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus which relates well with what we're talking about here. If you're not interested, maybe do a wiki search for Absurdism. Personally, I find that even though we there is no 'objective' purpose to our existence, I think it's cool that we're able to contemplate these things at all.
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