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  1. missin' your avatar, afflicted!

  2. I would like to think that I'm generally a good person, if by good we mean having a sense of empathy and generosity to others. I think that a majority of people would agree that they try to do best by those closest to them (and in the context of their culture) and to have at least some decency for the rest. There are two ways, however, where I think the need to be 'good' can become a problem: 1) You try to make everyone happy all of the time. This is simply impossible. If you try, you will find yourself being taken advantage of frequently. Others will disrespect you because they know that they can get away with it. 2) You become zealous/self-righteous, attempting to rise above humanity. Others will react to this as arrogance and will have contempt for you because we all have our shadow/primitive side to acknowledge. I'm having to come to terms with this right now in that much of what I value is just not going to happen in reality. Whenever you're dealing with people, including yourself, you eventually hit a wall. We are both 'good' and 'bad'. It's just a matter of finding the right times to entertain our 'bad' so that it doesn't take us over. Complete repression is dangerous. Please contact this member for the video link.
  3. Hi Fizzle, Thanks for sharing. As you know, I also struggle with thoughts that people are immoral and untrustworthy and will harm me. In therapy, I'm having to acknowledge where this all comes from and it's a very uncomfortable process, not that it's anything new but because I now realize that some things have been more impactful than I've given credit for in the past.. they must have been. I strongly suspect that I've developed a paranoid cognition (PPD) as a result of invalidation, teasing/harassment, and odd trauma from peers and family in combination with my naturally shy, sensitive temperament (also add in the fact that my family failed to teach me certain living skills in my development). I was a convenient target for people growing up, I think. What is produced is a history of isolation, hypervigilance, and social 'blindness'.. so depression that is fueled by perceiving frequent threats (real or deluded) from others. It is happening as I speak. The self-hatred piece steps in when I find that there's nothing I can change about my environment to better make myself comfortable and so my mind begins turning on itself, where I feel I must change/adapt to everything I find terrible in the world so I can function in it. That's a precursor for suicide because in those moments occur the destruction of self. When this is happening, it takes away from the reward of helping others because I think that I should be in a better space in order to do so (shame). I have to be honest in that I don't have all of the answers for this right now but that I do relate (I think) to some of what you're experiencing. We have to do our best to keep moving. I've come up with a few things specific to me that I need to work on/obtain to improve my situation: need to develop healthy relationships to increase trust (critical)must work on social skillsspend less time alone, generallydiscover new hobbies/interestsimprove livings kills to decrease outside sources of anxietyget a pet?realize that, unfortunately, invalidation is a given no matter how I behave or what I believe so I need to determine what criticism is constructive vs. ignorant (in which case confront or forget)ask for reality checks often (as awkward as this can be)Again, I don't know if you're in a different place (I haven't been around DF as much as I used to) and maybe none of this is helpful to you but I thought I'd share anyways.
  4. If you have feelings for this person, let him know. Make it simple and straightforward.
  5. So I posted this back in September and here we are in June. She's not going to be around much longer. I haven't felt this way about anyone else before. I want to say something but I haven't. I don't want to take anything away from what she has. I don't know what to do.
  6. I don't think it's the case for me that I assume no attention is negative. It's knowing that I stand out, even when I'm not trying to, and others don't get it. It will attract attention that is negative as a consequence. Occasionally I might experience a positive response from others but it's been comparatively rare.
  7. Took day off. Well, what I want is staring me in the face a couple days a week but she is not available. And the online thing is disappointing like that. I am proud of who I am, yes. What I mean by accepting myself, emotionally, is to realize that not everyone will want to understand or accept me, especially given my unconventional views. I have to be willing to let go of that desire. It's hard. Not quite a school setting. More like a training. But I do remember this feeling back in school. I did exceptionally well, academically, but I didn't always enjoy it and rarely did I think it was useful. I actually pull attention towards me when I don't want it. I may not want to care because of that attention. I get burned out of caring. I get caught up in the focus on me and I begin to question the intent of others because I've experienced some invalidations/misunderstandings in the past. I'm primed for it. I tend to assume the attention is negative or has an agenda behind it because it has been the case before. At the same time, yes, it does seem like no one cares about me, at least not in a way that reflects the closeness that I want. It's fine if most don't care for me like that as long as there are a few that do. I really wish I could visit a lot of people here online.
  8. Well, it's part of it. Let's just say the likelihood/chances are narrowed down considerably given what I'm seeking. If you felt you had no family or other meaningful relationships - it's just you each and every day for years - do you see what that can do to someone? Hell, even those without a home typically have someone.Throw in everything else that has gone on and there's a problem. Hi Fizzle. The only thing that I'm trying to change is how much I care about what others think about me. I am accepting who I am and the values that I hold on an emotional level (I'm already there intellectually). If I felt more at ease with myself then others won't concern me so much, at least that's the theory. I know I deserve that contact in my life. I need it. Soon. Thanks for checking in.
  9. There is one person that I think is a fit, for the most part, but it's not possible. There is perhaps a few others but there's a distance issue. Outside of that, I guess I haven't met them yet.
  10. Yes, I need to talk about this somehow. Thanks for responses. This is bad stuff. I don't want to end up at the hospital again or dead. But I also don't want to end up alive and miserable.
  11. Well, I've cared a lot.. about what others think of me. In fact, that seems to occupy much of my thought process on a daily basis. It's very self-absorbed. I can help others but I don't like feeling obligated. I want to know others on a deep level but I also know that most are not comfortable with that so I have to default to menial conversation and I can't stand that.. to the point where I don't want to participate at all. It's both a combination of nervousness/discomfort and even disgust at that point. I don't know how it would blow up in my face. I haven't said anything that would warrant that response, at least not that I'm aware of. But who knows, maybe they are interpreting my attitude as disrespectful or malicious. I have a hard time asking for help because I don't know what to do about this. Anyone can say try to sleep better or "get out and do X, Y, Z". And I do try. But what's missing from my life is human contact. Intimacy/love/affection. With a select chosen few who share enough in common. That's not easily/readily available. Anything else is just spin wheels at a different pace.
  12. @mdw4680 - It's apathy. It's anhedonia. It's disappointment. It's rage. It's sadness. It's alienation. It's loneliness. It's a lot of things. I'm just spinning wheels with no reward. @Teddy545 - I do check my PMs here once in a while. Maybe read a few threads. But yeah, I've kind of retired from posting. I don't know. I kind of hope that a few people I know from outside of DF will see this, as I suspect they might have been around here before, and help in some way. Don't know what they can do but still.
  13. I was sitting in a room full of people, where we're all supposed to be digesting information, and I found myself spacing out nearly the entire time. I space out a lot, admittedly, but this time I found myself entirely unable to care. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to converse at all. I felt like everyone's happy energy, or perhaps just good acting, was weighing on me. I could tell that others were concerned for me and could detect a negative, apathetic, or even hostile mood I was in. I suppose I could describe it as some combination of these. At one point, someone tried to include me into a conversation and I was very irritated by the attempt. I really struggled to answer the question and it caused me to feel both nervous and angry and I couldn't really hide it well. I didn't explode or anything, it was just apparent that I was not in good 'spirits'. I had to leave the building and walk around for a few minutes. The rest of the time I just spent sitting there fidgeting, rarely talking at all, just like yesterday. Now that I think of it, I experience this a lot – the not caring thing. I mean, if I did, why would I zone out so much? I'm starting to ask some tough questions in my head: Do I care about what I'm doing or is that just a forced, fraudulent effort? Am I a bad fit? And when am I ever happy? What am I getting out of life? Those last few questions have an answer and it scares me.. No, I'm not happy and I can't recall the last time that I was. I don't think I'm getting anything out of life. Instead, it's just going through the motions, always doing what needs to be done and living inside of my head the rest of the time. I do have a 'rich inner world' as some might describe it but it's not a very healthy one because it's often at odds with my environment. I'm determined and I have a good set of values, yes, but it's like a constant friction. Anyone who has been around to read some of my posts here on DF will recognize this so I won't get into it. I am working on self-acceptance and giving less significance to what others might think of me in attempts to alleviate some social anxieties. I am in therapy and even went to a support group a few days ago. I try to get out and do things, like go to a movie, the mall, or the park. Try talking with my housemates. I'm looking into hobbies/distractions (even bought a damn RC drone for some reason). I make small attempts to work out and eat healthier. I do all of these things because otherwise I'd just be sitting at home in my free time, alone, staring at this computer screen or the wall. I don't have a family that I actually consider family, or friends that I actually consider friends (why would I want simple, surface level friendships anyways?), and certainly no close, romantic/intimate relationships. While I do very much want the last bit, I don't know if I'm datable in the traditional sense, which is what most women seem to want/expect. To wrap all of this up, I've reached a point, I think, where I just don't want to give a ****. Maybe that's good in some ways but it has some potential to impact my future very negatively, at least in comparison to others around me. I'm depressed, yes, but it's gone beyond that now. I'm not loved/desired in ways that I would like to be and I don't view myself as necessary. I feel like a mood sink to others but I can't get myself to conjure the energy needed to at least try to make it seem as though I'm OK. You know, half-xxx it. A part of my mind seems to have broke. I have to decide if living like this is worth it to me. Well, of course it's not worth it to me but what else can I do? I don't want to end my life - I have no active intent/plan - but I don’t' really want to live it either, not like this. That could, I suppose, change if I experienced sudden setbacks because there is no love to receive and no one to give to. At this time, and for the longest time now, there seems to be two modes of operation for me: barely there and holding on OR excruciating pain. I think this will be the last topic of mine here on DF as I find myself visiting less often these days. I don't know what purpose this long post serves and I don't like complaining, and regardless of what I try and tell myself, I feel the same way after every post. I must be getting something out of it, though, right? Otherwise why would I post? It's some sad attempt to reach out but I know it's not enough to satisfy me. Ok, I'm done. Thanks for reading.
  14. I want to expand on this more. I think it is possible to begin that process and it starts with parenting. To change something like this would take generations to realize because it would take a cultural shift (more like revolution). It's not that we wouldn't identify as male or female anymore but instead it would only refer to sex. Gender, a social construct, would cease to exist in our minds. There would be no need for codification of color, appearance, activities, and of course behavior. The person would be free to express themselves as they see fit, instead of having to feel pressure to conform to ridiculous and even harmful assembly line standards. Hi Mavigo, It is challenging, especially when so few seem to relate to what you want. I think for those of us who do feel this way, it can be very hard to function in a world that is determined to break people. I'm not sure what values you identify with but if it's anything like what I have listed then I can understand the despair. I'm sorry that you had a fallout with a friend of 10 years. That sucks. Hopefully there are others that will step in and be supportive of what you're looking for.
  15. I never thought I would say this, but it sucks to know exactly what you want. I have to have a sense of humor about this, I guess. It makes me feel like such a stranger in the world. Hmm.. I'll have to look for that. Yeah, you're right. From my perspective, it's hard to understand what's so disagreeable/uncomfortable about what I seek.
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