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Everything posted by Dolphin2013

  1. Iced my knee, went to buy cat food & people food. Hung out online in the house and started writing my reactions to "Jane Eyre," which I've read dozens of times but this time I got a new personal perspective on it.
  2. I've found it easier to reduce portions and stay on track if I've decided on a food plan, while on Wellbutrin. As for getting to the gym, I'm not there yet, but I'm hoping to very soon. Although I'd rather go walking outside as soon as it cools off a bit.
  3. Thanks, Phantastic Mirage. I will proceed to blog!
  4. Hi, I want to blog but noticed that there are links for FB, Twitter, etc. Can I remove those? I don't want anyone outside of DF reading my blog posts. Also, what is meant by "Guest" in Settings? Is that Guests who are Members or any person just looking through the forums here? Thanks!
  5. Hi, I'm not sure what I want out of this journal/blog, but I started posting something in the Remeron forum and I realized I wanted to make it more personal. So this is it. I'm in my upper 50's, post-menopausal. I'm married, for nearly 30 years now. My husband is gainfully employed. I am not. I work part-time, for low pay. It's not too stressful a job and I've cut my hours down because I want the time. Depression History: I've been depressed my whole life, starting probably before I was 2 years old. Slit my wrists when I was 17 (not serious enough to hospitalize me at the time, but I had to go to the emergency room). Started seeing a doctor every week, but no meds. Through my late teens and early 20s I used alcohol & illegal drugs and food as self-medicating agents, I suppose. They helped me be more social, and I made it through college and then started grad school, where I met my husband. Got depressed (suicidal ideation) and went to the local mental health center. No health insurance at the time. I was in a day-therapy program (3 days a week) the year I turned 30, just 2 years after getting married. Again, not working except part-time at that time. I had quit grad school also about a year after getting married. We moved--husband's job and had a baby. Post-partum depression, of course and being away from friends I loved. I saw a therapist for a brief while during that time. Then we moved again for DH's job. Our baby was diagnosed with autism at age 4. Pretty severe, but he's higher functioning now. Can you imagine trying to create a new life somewhere and dealing with all this? I just lived with this, hanging on, trying exercise now and then, going to Overeater's Anonymous and getting religion for myself. In my mid-40s we were getting ready to move again, just to the suburbs for my son's school. My DH's mom died and his dad became suicidal & hospitalized. I felt like I'd caught a virus. My suicidal thoughts kept coming and coming. Now that my son was in the new school, my husband was successful and vested in his job, I reasoned, no one needed me anymore. I sprained my ankle badly and didn't know how to do anything for myself. I would get up in the morning to get my son to school. Then I would go home and go back to bed. My son and the kitten we adopted, who would curl up on my chest and purr whenever I was lying down were the only things that kept me alive. Whole days would disappear. By winter of that year, I began thinking more and more about suicide and at my regular visit to my doctor, I told her. She gave me the number of a therapist (who I still see but who's out of network, so I don't see her a lot) and a prescription for Wellbutrin. My new therapist was utterly surprised that with my history of depression, no one had prescribed meds for me until then. That was about 13 years ago. That's enough for now. I'll write more later.
  6. still figuring it out.

  7. I decided 2 days ago to take the full 15 mg. First night: slept like a log but woke up with a headache, I think from my neck being in a weird position. did not really feel groggy, but a little queasy and had diarrhea for about an hour. Which was okay, really, since I'd been constipated for about 3 days. It took most of the day for my headache to go away. I took generic Excedrin (caffeine + acetominophen + aspirin) throughout the day. By 6pm the headache was gone. Today, I woke up after 8 hours solid sleep, feeling a little sleepy, no headache. I'm happy because I don't have to work today and I almost feel playful. edited to take out a bunch of stuff that should be reserved for something else. thanks.
  8. Maybe talk to your pdoc about going up to 300 mg. It's good that you're taking it slowly. The first time I was on it, about 12 years ago, I first noticed my mood lifting after 2 months. I started in late January and by early March had noticed good things beyond the side effects of tension, irritability, clenching my jaw, etc. About 3 years after that I tried getting off it and noticed great anxiety and sorrow invading my thoughts. Then I just started taking my regular dose (300mg at the time) and felt better in about 2 weeks. My first time on Wellbutrin, I was seeing a therapist once a week, too and the talk therapy was immensely helpful. I have had to cut down on seeing her, since she's out of network now and therefore out of pocket! This time around, I'd been off Wellbutrin about a year & a half. Severely depressed by the time I sought help. Could barely get out of a chair to do stuff. I went to work. Kept appointments. That was it. This is week 3 and I've gone back up to 300 mg, Wellbutrin XL. I think it's helping a bit, but I'm cautious. Also taking Remeron 15 mg (cut down to 7.5 mg) for sleep and depression. At only week 3, I would say that I'm probably in placebo effect honeymoon. TryingtoSmileinPA, are you seeing a therapist of some kind too? Perhaps talking about what you'd like to do once the meds start pushing you to do stuff would be helpful too, but ask about going up to the next dose as well. I started on 150 mg XL this time around and I didn't feel it was doing anything after about 10 days on it. My pdoc said I could go up to 300 after 2 weeks, so that's what I'm doing.
  9. Fellow caffeine addict here. I love making coffee, drinking it. 2-3 cups in the morning & a cup in the afternoon. In the summer, my afternoon treat is an iced coffee or iced Americano. Usually I drink it black, but occasionally add cream & sugar. The Wellbutrin, I think keeps me from adding too much cream or sugar. That is, if I question myself at the time of coffee preparation and have an interior discussion about calories/carbs etc, I'm able to let go of the add-ons very easily. Once when I got off caffeine, years ago, before Wellbutrin or any AD drugs, I felt dull and listless. This went on for a while. I drank an afternoon mocha cappucino--at what was then Borders bookstore, and OMG! I felt so good! Like I was on top of the world. I think coffee and Wellbutrin enhance the AD & stimulant effects in each other and if I have too much caffeine now, I get jittery, but it's only a short time since I've been back on Wellbutrin.
  10. oops I meant to say I started on 15 mg mirtazapine. And had to cut the dosage in half.
  11. Thanks TryingtoSmileInPA! This started happening when I upped the dosage. And you describe it spot on: hovering! Now I'm remembering back in 2003, I started trying to lower my dosage and became too anxious and when I upped it, sure enough: hovering headaches. Now that I'm past menopause, my migraines have significantly decreased, so I don't want headaches of any kind to mess me up. Hoping that this is just a side effect and it will go away.
  12. Hi all-- I took Wellbutrin for a long time and then went off it by myself (bad idea) a year and a half ago. New pdoc put me on 150 XL once a day with instructions to increase by 2 pills/ once a day after 2 weeks. Just when I thought the slight trembling in my hand and midday feeling of clenching everything was gone...it's back like crazy. I'm holding on and I've got Remeron to take at night, but this week, I've had 2 headaches. One was on my left side where I typically have gotten migraines (no nausea or other migraine symptoms, although I woke up with it, which was standard for my migraines). Today's headache is less painful but on my right side and for some reason it irks me more. I got 8 hours sleep and it seemed to start about an hour after I took my pills. And it hasn't gone away, even though I took another nap that made me feel better in every way except for my head. I don't remember this side effect from when I first started Wellbutrin years ago, so if anyone has experienced this, please let me know. As for the AD effects, I don't know yet. I'm keeping such close watch on my meds that I almost have no room to think of anything else at this point!
  13. hmmm. Thank you maintainin and Rahul for your answers. I've upped my dosage of Wellbutrin to 300 mg XL (pdoc said to do this after 2 weeks) and maybe the Remeron would be better at the higher dose. I am really surprised at how well I'm sleeping and how even if I have to get up in the middle of the night for something, I seem to be able to go right back to sleep again. The pdoc did point out that lack of sleep makes one more anxious and unhappy/unable to cope with stress. I'm keeping track of my side effects and will report to my pdoc at next appointment.
  14. Hi SilentMoments, I'm also going to be dealing with the New Year stuff this week and feel okay being a part of a congregation where everyone (just about) knows: my mother has passed away, two friends have also died in the past year. Triggering incidents. What I'm doing to take care of myself at this time is to limit my activities. We have a small group that sings--I'm not singing with them this year. I'll get too emotional. None of the other stuff, helping to read during the services, etc. Just feel too raw right now. I'm planning on sitting close to the rabbi's wife, or some friends, during some of the services. My husband will come for the evening services, but he's not Jewish or religious at this point in his life. As for my family of origin, they live in another state, far away. Sorry this is way too much about me. Mazal tov on being sober for a good amount of time and working on your degree! It's very common, I think to suffer a flatness and depression when achieving and maintaining sobriety. I wish you continual recovery this year. L'shana tovah u'metukah!
  15. I have a son with autism and a spouse with chronic illness. I hate when people find this out and they say, "No wonder you're depressed!" I also hate when they suggest cures for autism--especially dietary cures. I hate when they suggest anything that might fix my depression. A big part of the depression is that I can't get up the energy or interest to do what might fix me. It stinks! I also hate when I have suicidal ideation, Springer2.
  16. I'm INFP. When I first took the test, I was just over the border into the E area, but still NFP. Right now, I'm battling a headache or I'd write more, but I"m going to curl up into my little I place and deal with it.
  17. This really spoke to me. I now realize that if I'd worked on my meds (changing them or upping the dosage or something) about 4 years ago, I might be gainfully employed today instead of underemployed & part-time. I am always judging myself by my jobs. I hate it when someone I've just met asks, "What do you do?" I want to be snarky and answer, "Cope with depression. And you?" Anyway, about 6 years ago, I was working on a degree and working part-time in that field. Enjoying it. I had been taking Wellbutrin 300mg XL for a number of years and was really doing well...feeling "professional" and all. A job opportunity came up that was probably something I should have passed on but I thought it would be more "professional" so I applied and they hired me. Big mistake, bad fit. Although I tried very hard to fix it and be good at it, this particular job made me unhappy. My regular doc had prescribed the Wellbutrin, also Xanax for airplane flight anxiety. I began taking Xanax on Sunday nights, dreading Mondays...and I didn't know how to ask for better counseling and/or drugs. The upshot was the Admin people & my supervisor put me on performance plans and my confidence really tanked and I quit. I didn't work again for 8 months (except for some part-time tutoring work) and then have worked only part-time at a very non-professional, low-paying job. That was like 3 years ago. And I've been battling to feel confident, but lately (and what brought me here, in part) I don't know how I'll even start applying for better jobs, after not having been in my profession for so long. It's a vicious cycle: the more I don't work at something I feel good about, the less able I am to even think I could "better" myself.
  18. I was looking for info on Remeron, a drug my new pdoc prescribed to go along with Wellbutrin. There was a link to a forum & posts about it on Google, and that's how I found this forum.
  19. New to this forum, but not new to depression and thanks budfox for this. Wondering what I'll do when the meds kick in...and maybe they won't so I'll have to try something else, but I am keeping on keeping on. That's the essential me talking, and not my stupid depression.
  20. I've been interested in reading all this. Not sure what advantages Remeron will have for me ultimately. I started about 2 weeks ago, with 150 mg. XL Wellbutrin and 30 mg. Mirtazapine. The Mirtazapine knocked me out and I slept for 10 1/2 hours, and still felt like I wasn't awake for the next 3 hours...I drank cup after cup of coffee to try to feel more awake. So I cut the dosage in half and I'm still amazed at how much I can sleep. And even take naps during the day. I've turned into my cat! What I hope is that I can see some more positive effects other than getting a good night's sleep. edited to add: I am supposed to double the dose of Wellbutrin this week. We'll see.
  21. Hi, I just started taking it last week, starting at 15mg (in addition to Wellbutrin (starting at 150mg XL)). The 15mg of Remeron knocked me out so completely, it was unnerving. I had a hard time feeling awake the next day. I decided (and I probably should have asked my doc first) to cut the pills in half and that's what I'm doing. The 15 mg scared me so, I couldn't imagine what kind benefit it could have other than letting me sleep for 10 hours at a time, with no headache. Do you get used to Remeron? Thanks, Dolphin2013
  22. Hi, I have been depressed my whole life when I look back on it. But most recently I quit a job (depression made me do it) and went off meds, which was Wellbutrin XL 300 mg--which didn't seem to be working. Anyway, fast forward to now and the emotional deep freeze and agony I seem to be in. I want the old me to come back. I used to be creative, hopeful, loving--with plans and ideas and ways to implement them. Although I've been seeing a therapist for years, it was my GP who prescribed the original Wellbutrin. I decided to see a psychiatrist and I'm starting back on Wellbutrin, adding Remeron--which is almost too intense for me--and Xanax (when needed). I almost cannot believe how ill depression makes me. So I came here too. Thanks for listening. Dolphin2013
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