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Posts posted by Dolphin2013

  1. I'm feeling sick of the person I am. Yesterday, I felt fine with myself, but today, I suck at being me.

    12 minutes ago, evalynn said:

    I'm seriously tearing up because my dad just informed me that my favorite restaurant in my hometown, the one I used to go to all the time with my mom for the best lobster rolls and clam chowder and views of the beach, unexpectedly closed down. It's just a restaurant, but it was the number one thing on my list for my trip next month and I feel like someone just stabbed me in the childhood.

    I know exactly how that feels @evalynn I'd always assumed a certain place would be there forever (it's where I had my first grilled cheese sandwich in a restaurant and I lo-o-o-oved it!).  "Stabbed in the childhood' is a perfect phrase.


  2. 37 minutes ago, Chris27_ said:

    I was almost ready to have a heart attack earlier when England went to penalties against Colombia in the World Cup.. its such a high in our country when we are in these competitions and we ended up winning our first ever penalty shoot out.


    So for now I have a little smile on my face and i'm enjoying a cup of tea. As we say in England.. ITS COMING HOME 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿😁

    I know nothing about what a penalty is in football 🙂 I don't even know what the deal is in American football--but my favorite baseball team is in the basement this year! So have little to celebrate this year, sportswise.

    @Chris27_ I felt your excitement! And I am glad for you! Maybe I can have vicarious sports thrills  if I pay attention to the FIFA World Cup.!

  3. 20 hours ago, TopekaK said:

    I look around and people seem to be enjoying life, and I'm still trying to figure out how to do it.

    I like the way you express that. Yesterday, I had to do something on line that involved filling out a form. Everyone in the group I'm in filled it out correctly. Me, it's like I skipped a whole page...why didn't I see it? What is wrong with me?! All of a sudden it took on such deep significance--I felt like such an *****. I thought everyone would be laughing at me, if they saw it.

  4. 9 minutes ago, sober4life said:

    I went to see mom in hell I mean at the nursing home.  They didn't even try to act friendly when her family was there.  I can just about imagine how they act when we aren't there.  Usually they try to put on a show for family.  I feel angry!

    I agree about nursing homes being hell. I hope I never have to be put in one. The one my father-in-law is in always smells bad and all he does is sleep. 

  5. I've been horribly busy. Lots of turnover at work, so taking extra shifts. I take early early morning shifts. But if I stay up too late the night  before, I'm a bit of a wreck. But my spouse is a night person and seems to be okay with 6 hours sleep a night. Me, it takes a toll on me, 6 hours one night, 5.5 another. And so on and that makes me anxious.

  6. Feeling tired, some physical pain, depressed, but hoping for better things. Not "things" as such, just better spirits.  I am reading a book which on one hand is very satisfying--it reveals how people deal with cognitive dissonance (that is when their consciousness and sensibility does not mesh with their actions) (and mostly they deny because cognitive dissonance is full of disturbing feelings).  But now, I'm thinking non-stop about all the times I've done wrong and lied about it. What might I have justified to myself so that I could continue to live the lie?

    One of the chapters is about the interrogation practices police use--they pretty much deny the possibility of innocence...and I keep thinking, it's good to know if I'm ever interrogated...

    I'm not perfect. 


  7. Today, I have to go to a fundraiser. I have to dress up. I hate dressing up if there's no dancing. And I doubt there will be dancing.  And dressing up today means I have to shave my legs or wear pantyhose. Maybe I can get away with not wearing crap. I'll shave my legs.

    It's a nice morning, so I think I'll go for a walk first. Then shower. Then put on my armor. Then get all dressed up for the stupid fundraiser.

    Tomorrow, I have something in the evening, but nothing too stressful.

    okay, help me get my shoes on...here I go...



  8. Finally the sun is out for an entire day and it's not too windy--just a gentle breeze. Feels like spring.  I've had a very social day, unusual for me. I feel scattered in my mind, I realize when I do the early-early shift at work. I was at the desk where it was slow. So slow. Tomorrow I'll be at the busier desk, but I don't mind. Anyway, I'm getting into the pop station they play at work. It's, I swear, the same songs playing that were playing when I started there in 2011...and I went through a 3-year break working at the desk...

  9. 51 minutes ago, Lady Mozzer said:

    Isle Of Dogs. I thought it was very good. My Mom and nieces both thought it was a good movie too.

    *high fives @Lady Mozzer. We saw it just last week! I really enjoyed it. So did my husband. I thought it was beautiful and heartbreaking at times. Funny at other times.

    We rented "Cedar Rapids," a funnier and sweeter movie than we thought it would be. It stars Ed Helms as a straight-arrow (sort of) insurance agent who has to go to major insurance conference in Cedar Rapids--where a prestigious award is to be given.


  10. I think I talked too much and I talked like a crazy person after this meeting today. It was a mandatory all-staff meeting 5-7pm on Sunday.  That's it. It feels like punishment and the person I was chatting with was from NYC originally and she listened to me, but she was trying to talk about her political beliefs (left wing) and I wanted to agree wholeheartedly, but just didn't feel courageous enough to.

    So I waffled. And felt like I sounded insane. I wish I could say I liked these work meetings, but they really suck. I had the day off--and to have to end a day off with s h i t like this...I mean that's what I wanted to complain about really.

    Okay. Going to brush my teeth and go to sleep, I hope.

  11. 12 hours ago, Natasha1 said:

    Confused. I dont know why my husband is acting irritated AT me and turning it on me as if its the other way around.

    Confused.i dont know why my husband constantly gives me s hit for things like not offering him orange juice when i get some for myself because im just so selfish yet when i do ask he gives me s hit anyway because he has some already. (Just one of many examples)

    Confused. I dont know why my husband responds to the above with comments like "i dont know why you dont understand simple things" as if i can see through two walls and a hallway. I didnt stick around to hear the rest.

    Confused. I dont know why my husband is the way he is, and why i allow him to make me want to k ill myself.

    Not confused. It is clear to me why i used to starve myself and why i am contemplating beginning again.

    It sounds like he gives you intermitten rewards/punishment, so you never know when you are solid with him. His answers seem narcissistic and gaslighting to me, trying to make you think you're not a competent human being--which you are, @Natasha1. He's mistaken and I agree with @sober4life. He sounds abusive. Leave him, if you can.

  12. My spouse and I had a fight. He said I had disrespected him regarding the diet he put himself on when he was having lung issues. He and someone were talking about his lung stuff. I started talking too and nearly told the other person about the diet. I stopped myself in time.

    When he said I disrespected him,  I grew agitated then because at the time, I catered to his needs.  Gracefully, I thought. I bought the groceries he requested, prepared and suggested foods he could eat, got him the protein shake powder that he could add as a supplement to his food. I did not like that he was on this diet, but there it is. Since he seemed to be getting sicker while on it, I was worried.

     Anyway, while we argued, I was driving. As soon as I parked in our driveway, I got out and said I had to go for a walk.

    Because I felt like crashing the car. 

    I apologized for...I told him I regretted actions in the past that I could not now change. After my walk, we talked. Things are better, but I don't feel like going to see a movie, or out to dinner now, or anything.

    I feel, and I think this feeling isn't forever, that I'm on thin ice, or that everything I've been striving for in the past few months in terms of a sense of equilibrium is just smashed. I hope to recover eventually.

  13. 8 hours ago, evalynn said:

    Yes, I used to be the queen of cram.

    Did you ever have a dream so vivid you had to remind yourself it wasn't real life?

    No, but they sometimes feel like cobwebs--I can't shake them. Or I feel I've dreamt them before.

    Did you ever encounter someone who you knew immediately was a liar, yet you had to have an interaction with him/her anyway?

  14. Perhaps you should speak to a psychiatrist--someone who can prescribe and who is maybe more familiar with how these meds work, than your GP.

    When I started seeing a psychiatrist (p-doc for short), I learned more about the meds--stuff my GP never told me, or didn't know to tell me.

    I have a family member on venlafaxine 150 mg/day, but he also takes a small dose of sertraline twice a day. This has been his protocol for only a few months, but he's stable right now. It seems to be working for him.

    I wish you all the best as you search for answers. Things will get better for you!

  15. On 4/9/2018 at 1:36 AM, salparadise6132 said:

    Hmm, Dolphin, girl, it all sounds amazing to me, your lifestyle changes, that is!  Ten hearty pats on the back!  Please let yourself accept the accolades for such an effort.

    As far as the confidence bit goes, I suspect it's just a blip for you.  EVERYONE, even the seemingly most together among us (not me LOL) feels these moments of doubt.  It is really part of being human. From what I have learned and read about you, you need not worry about the down times.  They come.  They go.  Keep on keeping on!!!  You're doing great.

    It is difficult to age.  But it is better than the alternative.  Embrace life while you're here!!!  

    Thanks, Brian...I think I needed that :) Perspective is everything, sometimes.

  16. Haven't been here in a while. I've been pretty much sugar/grain-free for about 3 weeks now. I've been exercising steadily and I feel the pain filling my empty spots I used to fill up with food and purposeless (generalization, just don't want to give details) activity.

    The thing I'm really feeling is how insignificant I feel and how difficult it is to age. I still don't have a primary care doc.  I don't know how to take care of myself. Sort of. Not eating sweets and breads and crap and then exercising is good. But I keep thinking nothing I do is good enough for anybody.

    These words don't say everything I want to say. I want to know how people do things...just do them. How does someone walk into a place and feel she has every right to be there. I never feel as if I'm in the right place and time. I don't have confidence in a lot of things. I hope this will pass. In the meantime, I go to work, I go to appointments. I take my son to his. And where is the joy and meaning in life?

    Not feeling, hmmm, dolphinistic these days. Maybe it's just because it snowed today.


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