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Everything posted by Dolphin2013

  1. I'm feeling sick of the person I am. Yesterday, I felt fine with myself, but today, I suck at being me. I know exactly how that feels @evalynn I'd always assumed a certain place would be there forever (it's where I had my first grilled cheese sandwich in a restaurant and I lo-o-o-oved it!). "Stabbed in the childhood' is a perfect phrase.
  2. I'm anxious about finding clothes for a job interview coming up. Wish I had tons of options.
  3. I know nothing about what a penalty is in football 🙂 I don't even know what the deal is in American football--but my favorite baseball team is in the basement this year! So have little to celebrate this year, sportswise. @Chris27_ I felt your excitement! And I am glad for you! Maybe I can have vicarious sports thrills if I pay attention to the FIFA World Cup.!
  4. I like the way you express that. Yesterday, I had to do something on line that involved filling out a form. Everyone in the group I'm in filled it out correctly. Me, it's like I skipped a whole page...why didn't I see it? What is wrong with me?! All of a sudden it took on such deep significance--I felt like such an *****. I thought everyone would be laughing at me, if they saw it.
  5. I agree about nursing homes being hell. I hope I never have to be put in one. The one my father-in-law is in always smells bad and all he does is sleep.
  6. My husband was laid off today. He's kind of shell-shocked. My son was laid off 2 weeks ago. I'm still working a little part-time job. At least they both have severance, but crap.
  7. I've been horribly busy. Lots of turnover at work, so taking extra shifts. I take early early morning shifts. But if I stay up too late the night before, I'm a bit of a wreck. But my spouse is a night person and seems to be okay with 6 hours sleep a night. Me, it takes a toll on me, 6 hours one night, 5.5 another. And so on and that makes me anxious.
  8. Feeling tired, some physical pain, depressed, but hoping for better things. Not "things" as such, just better spirits. I am reading a book which on one hand is very satisfying--it reveals how people deal with cognitive dissonance (that is when their consciousness and sensibility does not mesh with their actions) (and mostly they deny because cognitive dissonance is full of disturbing feelings). But now, I'm thinking non-stop about all the times I've done wrong and lied about it. What might I have justified to myself so that I could continue to live the lie? One of the chapters is about the interrogation practices police use--they pretty much deny the possibility of innocence...and I keep thinking, it's good to know if I'm ever interrogated... I'm not perfect.
  9. Today, I have to go to a fundraiser. I have to dress up. I hate dressing up if there's no dancing. And I doubt there will be dancing. And dressing up today means I have to shave my legs or wear pantyhose. Maybe I can get away with not wearing crap. I'll shave my legs. It's a nice morning, so I think I'll go for a walk first. Then shower. Then put on my armor. Then get all dressed up for the stupid fundraiser. Tomorrow, I have something in the evening, but nothing too stressful. okay, help me get my shoes on...here I go...
  10. I'm grateful that work today wasn't too crazy and that I got to sit at the back and watch the ballgame on TV..and my team did not give up and they won today!!!!!
  11. Finally the sun is out for an entire day and it's not too windy--just a gentle breeze. Feels like spring. I've had a very social day, unusual for me. I feel scattered in my mind, I realize when I do the early-early shift at work. I was at the desk where it was slow. So slow. Tomorrow I'll be at the busier desk, but I don't mind. Anyway, I'm getting into the pop station they play at work. It's, I swear, the same songs playing that were playing when I started there in 2011...and I went through a 3-year break working at the desk...
  12. *high fives @Lady Mozzer. We saw it just last week! I really enjoyed it. So did my husband. I thought it was beautiful and heartbreaking at times. Funny at other times. We rented "Cedar Rapids," a funnier and sweeter movie than we thought it would be. It stars Ed Helms as a straight-arrow (sort of) insurance agent who has to go to major insurance conference in Cedar Rapids--where a prestigious award is to be given.
  13. I think I talked too much and I talked like a crazy person after this meeting today. It was a mandatory all-staff meeting 5-7pm on Sunday. That's it. It feels like punishment and the person I was chatting with was from NYC originally and she listened to me, but she was trying to talk about her political beliefs (left wing) and I wanted to agree wholeheartedly, but just didn't feel courageous enough to. So I waffled. And felt like I sounded insane. I wish I could say I liked these work meetings, but they really suck. I had the day off--and to have to end a day off with s h i t like this...I mean that's what I wanted to complain about really. Okay. Going to brush my teeth and go to sleep, I hope.
  14. It sounds like he gives you intermitten rewards/punishment, so you never know when you are solid with him. His answers seem narcissistic and gaslighting to me, trying to make you think you're not a competent human being--which you are, @Natasha1. He's mistaken and I agree with @sober4life. He sounds abusive. Leave him, if you can.
  15. My spouse and I had a fight. He said I had disrespected him regarding the diet he put himself on when he was having lung issues. He and someone were talking about his lung stuff. I started talking too and nearly told the other person about the diet. I stopped myself in time. When he said I disrespected him, I grew agitated then because at the time, I catered to his needs. Gracefully, I thought. I bought the groceries he requested, prepared and suggested foods he could eat, got him the protein shake powder that he could add as a supplement to his food. I did not like that he was on this diet, but there it is. Since he seemed to be getting sicker while on it, I was worried. Anyway, while we argued, I was driving. As soon as I parked in our driveway, I got out and said I had to go for a walk. Because I felt like crashing the car. I apologized for...I told him I regretted actions in the past that I could not now change. After my walk, we talked. Things are better, but I don't feel like going to see a movie, or out to dinner now, or anything. I feel, and I think this feeling isn't forever, that I'm on thin ice, or that everything I've been striving for in the past few months in terms of a sense of equilibrium is just smashed. I hope to recover eventually.
  16. Yes! Yes! You sang!!! That takes courage and I'm glad you got huge kudos from the teachers! Big big hugs!
  17. Perhaps you should speak to a psychiatrist--someone who can prescribe and who is maybe more familiar with how these meds work, than your GP. When I started seeing a psychiatrist (p-doc for short), I learned more about the meds--stuff my GP never told me, or didn't know to tell me. I have a family member on venlafaxine 150 mg/day, but he also takes a small dose of sertraline twice a day. This has been his protocol for only a few months, but he's stable right now. It seems to be working for him. I wish you all the best as you search for answers. Things will get better for you!
  18. James Harman performing "In with the grief...in with the gravy." It's a blues song...
  19. Thanks, Brian...I think I needed that :) Perspective is everything, sometimes.
  20. Haven't been here in a while. I've been pretty much sugar/grain-free for about 3 weeks now. I've been exercising steadily and I feel the pain filling my empty spots I used to fill up with food and purposeless (generalization, just don't want to give details) activity. The thing I'm really feeling is how insignificant I feel and how difficult it is to age. I still don't have a primary care doc. I don't know how to take care of myself. Sort of. Not eating sweets and breads and crap and then exercising is good. But I keep thinking nothing I do is good enough for anybody. These words don't say everything I want to say. I want to know how people do things...just do them. How does someone walk into a place and feel she has every right to be there. I never feel as if I'm in the right place and time. I don't have confidence in a lot of things. I hope this will pass. In the meantime, I go to work, I go to appointments. I take my son to his. And where is the joy and meaning in life? Not feeling, hmmm, dolphinistic these days. Maybe it's just because it snowed today.
  21. I've gone to my exercise class 4 times this week. It's for people over-50, I've been taking that class since just after Labor Day (U.S) 2014. We start off with cardio-dancing, low impact and then do weights/strength training/balance stuff and stretching. I'm excited about this because 2 of the days this week, I got to class late because I was working and my shift (at the community center where the class is) ends just when the class is getting started. This means I've been prepared ahead of time, which means I'm doing things to take care of myself. This winter, I'd been letting self-care slide. Movement and music to move to is so important to me.
  22. @SpiralingMind No words about losing your father. Big hugs. I'm thinking about you. Hugs.
  23. had scrambled eggs and bacon for dinner, a slice of cheese and just now, a sugar-free cherry-flavored candy.
  24. I'm sad your friends are so clueless about how different it is when you can't just drop everything and go travel! That's a huge gap in understanding, there, Brian. Since they don't seem to know at all what to make of your situation and your being okay with a simple life...maybe they just can't express support, the concept is so foreign to them! big hugs, my friend.
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