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cherryfreak1983

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About cherryfreak1983

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  1. Hezzabelle, this might sound corny but knowing i am not alone in this is helping a little bit. I formally got diagnosed with PTSD/clinical depression from my Dr the other day. I am not a fan of the medication he put me on. I feel so fuzzy and blah but def not fixing much as of yet. This might sound odd, but I feel dumber. I know this might sound conceited but I am very smart i have an IQ of 137. but I feel like I can only process thoughts one at a time. I treseasued my multi track mind. Thanks all.
  2. Wow someone gets me! I have been feeling the same way. I don't get what is wrong with me! I have some things going for me. Im not homeless, I have my dog and cat whom I adore. I have a job that is understanding to an extent and even though I don't like it there they pay well so I keep asking myself - Why am I so unhappy!? I feel horrible for calling out of work but I can't seem to even get out of bed. Like right now - I need to be getting ready for my drs appointment but the mere thought of showering and putting on a bra is just bothersome. (sorry boys girl talk) I just Blah and thw worst part is - is that I am telling myself I don't want to feel this way. I just want it to stop :(
  3. This is nuts !! I am telling myself I need to go to work, I have to go to work but I just an't *breaks down and cries* What the hell is wrong with me ! :( I am on my way to see a dr in about an hour. This is nuts ! :(
  4. One of the things about me is that I can't be objective sometimes. Is this just me? Is this something that I can just get over and move on? All my life I have agreed with the idea that we have two choices. We can cry holler and whine about it or we can do something about it and move on. My mom used to call this - Two Choices. Don't get me wrong, I still agree with this but I am hoping she meant when it comes to task and not what has been going on with me for the past oh let's say about ten years. It has been like a roller coaster. Ups and downs but as the ride went on starting at around 20 and coming out and losing all of my friends at the time , as time went on - The highs didn't go so high or they were short lived, the lows just kept getting lower. Every single time, and maybe this is my fault but I just got back up - pushed it away and fought back. My friends say it is what they admire about me. Maybe it is, but as of late I just feel like I am losing it. I could tell you the deep dark secrets of my past but I wont and as I know they have its own part to play in this I know it is much more than that. I can function or rather, I used to be able to. I used to be able to go out to a store and go out with friends. I used to be able to want to get out of bed. I have dealt with low times before, but this last episode as I am going to call it seems to be doing me in pretty bad. I honestly think I have PTSD and my body just cant fight it any more. Those deep dark secrets from my past that things were done to me, I used to be in a financial mess but that has actually improved. The job that I work at right now - it pays me well but they treat me like I am an *****, also people make fun of me there. They wont do it to my face, but do you know how you just know someone is? OF course if I call them out on it - they wont say a word so I will look like the crazy one. I just at the beginning of the month lost my dog but then got her back 3 days later after she ran away. I don't like my living situation but was kind of forced into it - no not literally forced but it is a long story and I am looking to move out soon. See this is another reason why I don't get it. I am miserable but I have some things going for me - so why WHY AM I SO SAD AND MISERABLE? I dont get it. I am a very smart woman and I can't figure out how it is that I can have some things improving in my life situation but I literally can not bring myself to get out of bed. I order my groceries online and I just can't even begin to think about doing any kinds of daily living activities. EVERYTHING just seems so overwhelming to me. I feel like an *****. Taking a shower just feels like to much. Getting out of bed to get dressed just seems so much I just can't shake this off. I don't get it and I need help. I am so so scared of losing my job because of this. How do you explain to a boss who is nice but will look out after her and only her when the times comes. The only thing I can manage to leave on a VM for calling out and NOT breaking into tears is - Im sorry I can't make it in, Im sorry Im just sorry. I informed her of my clinical depression in an email yesterday. I really don't want to be fired. What I want is this episode to just go away and I can push forward but to be honest I also feel that will be the worst for me because I will just do what I have always been doing - pushing it all down, forgetting about it all and pressing on. I don't even know where to begin to ask for help. I really don't want to be fired I NEED this job I need this to work because if I get fired I feel it is going to send me deeper into this crap. Can someone PLEASE tell me I am not crazy
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