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  1. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Floor2017 in Struggling to come up   
    Happy New Yea everyone I hope the year has started off with things looking up for you.  Well, I had my two surgeries in December near the end of the year.  I’m doing ok but I’m struggling to overcome this depression and anxiety that has hit me really hard after the two surgeries.  I had to go back on my medicine and my dosage has increased.  But I’m fighting everyday to be a better me and I want accept anything different other than a successful recovery from my mental health.  I know I’m not out there by myself so I’m hoping and praying that all of our lives can improve for the good.  Be blessed your Friend Floor 2020 our year for Supernatural Blessings 
  2. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to JD4010 in Apathetic and aggrevated   
    I'm sorry that you are in such a sh!tty situation. The health care system in the US sucks. We shouldn't have the kind of fear we face because of it.
    Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
  3. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to SailingSoul in Apathetic and aggrevated   
    So-- Ive been dealing with a stubborn uti since Nov. I just got a piece of mail and I think my medicaid coverage ended today.
    Im very worried bc my uti isnt gone yet and Idk who will see me without insurance, Im not working yet but If i don't have medicaid I might as well.
    I feel some slight pain in my back nd abdomen and Im just always afriad and parnoid I'll end up dying. That it'll turn into a kidney infection and my baby will be without a mom. 
    I feel like a failure. I feel I failed my baby-- I don't want to leave him in my mom and dad's hands.
    This uti won't leave and im giving up hope.... 
    what's the point in working? what's the point of anything-- I feel I should just spend my last days with my baby.
    I just hate I have to die here in a ghetto slum of an apt. roaches everywhere its just uhg horrible. 
    If I think too hard abt everything it makes me suicidal-ish.. 
    Idk--I really fked up my life. 
    I also go in for my biopsy soon--Im afraid its already canceroous..and im not sure if I can have a biopsy done with an active uti..
    Idk I feel like a dead man and my brothers are annoying me to no end. 
    If I didnt have my baby it'd be easier to die bc then Id have nothing to live for but since I have him I can't leave just yet, I don't want to.
    Im so mad at myself I just wish I died before I had the chance to fk up my life. I HATE myself.--im beyond stupid.
  4. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to Tilted in Today 3   
    The crap fest continues
  5. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to JD4010 in Today 3   
    @gandolfication Irritability is my default setting. Overthinking, sickening dread, self-sabotage...on and on. 
    That's a "nice" piece of poetry you wrote in the previous post. I nodded my head in agreement as I read it.
    I'm having so much difficulty communicating today. I want to say more but my mental constipation is preventing it. 
  6. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    I've been having trouble feeling burned out from a chaotic and anxious few months in startup mode.
    The past couple weeks, I've found myself bending under the strain of anxiety and stress.
    Yesterday, I came to the office, which is only 5 minutes away, and chose to sleep, restlessly, in my car, which is where I dictated the following drivel.
    It's so cynical, nihilistic, and ultimately empty, which still is (must be) a reflection of my inner beliefs and feelings.
    It's also crap, but I'm posting it anyway, because it's a draft of the way I felt and too often feel.
    I read about (and nowadays see on YouTube or various guided meditation apps), those people who supposedly find a way of going through the world in a zen like state of contentment, modulating the outlying extremes of their emotions, like what @iWantRope and @JD4010 are talking about above.
    I don't know how real that is.  It feels like a fantasy for me, because I so seldom have it.  I rather hope it is, and want to believe it is.  I know that improvement can be made and one does not always have to be in the heightened state of irritability I so often find myself, and rarely in the present moment alone.
    I met with a psychiatrist last week, who was helpful (a neuropsychiatrist - I have to confess other than knowing that means he's partly a brain scientist/doctor, I have no other relevant understanding of why that would matter).  He was right out of typecasting, the elderly (white) curmudgeon whose means of communication was mumbling.  In the past, I'd have taken this as a sign that he was mostly senile, and not to be trusted as anything more than a pill dispenser.  But he actually took time, took notes, spent 45 minutes or so with me, listening, gave some advice.  He told me that Bipolar disorder could be reduced to one word, and asked if I knew what it was.  Nope.  "Irritability," he said.  Thanks doc.  Naturally, I'm wont to ruminate on this.  It's fair to say it's reductive, and at first, I did mostly chalk it up to his senility, but it also has a certain resonance, which I have been mulling in the past week.  Dissatisfaction.  Agitation.  Non-acceptance.  Grasping at something more.  These fit well.  It implies being aware of this and then either learning to, and/or just choosing to accept.  Radical acceptance.  That is an area worth much more exploration by me.

    It's never enough.
    Always wanting something more.
    Something new.
    Something different.
    Something beyond.
    This cursed desire abhors satisfaction.
    It devours contentment like a destroyer of worlds.
    Leaving only agitation in its wake.
    Like the happy sound of a loved one, or your baby cooing, it always fades too early.
    Always leaves you wanting more.
    And if you catch it, it will never be the same.
    The heart wants what it can't have,
    And what it has, it can't want.
    It does the thing it does not want to do, and does not want to do the thing it does.
    It is always there, always present, never leaves, never sleeps, never ceases.
    It is the rage just beneath the surface.
    Beneath the ego, lies the rapacious leach, a parasite on life.
    It cannot rest, sit still, relax or simply be.
    Always doing, seeking, needing, taking
    It never stops.
    From the moment life emerges until the glow is snuffed out,
    Not an instant goes by when it does not exert itself upon the moment and consume it.
    Such is the nature of desire,
    Of being alive,
    Of being half awake.
    Some seem to be able to overcome it,
    Transcend it,
    Find peace.
    But we can never really know.
    All we can know is within us,
    And that is unbridled desire.
    Suffuse it, dampen it, trod it under,
    It only comes back stronger.
    Oh wretched dissatisfaction,
    I war against you,
    But you only grow stronger.
    To destroy you is to destroy myself,
    And so I have not.
    I live as a fiction, a prisoner in your grip.
    In this shadow life, I try to fool others,
    Because that too is what I want.
    I place myself and stay willingly in the cage.
    And yet I cannot, of my own volition, escape.
    I am bound by myself.
    My fate is what I make.
    It cannot be reasoned with, overcome through study or spiritual discipline.
    Run from it, and it only comes back stronger.
    Insatiable, implacable, inscrutable, infinite, insufferable want.
    Were I to say I wanted you dead, it would serve only to confirm I am a slave to you.
    To be sure, I cannot want anything without you,
    And thus I can't do anything without you.
    I find no happy medium,
    No just desserts,
    No equilibrium.
    Only, ever, wanting more.
  7. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to JD4010 in Today 3   
    That makes a lot of sense to me. I've often felt that the universe has been "taking it out on me" for some reason, as if I didn't belong here. 
  8. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to iWantRope in Today 3   
    ^ @g
    We who suffer hard enough to be DF members are simply born into the wrong universe, wrong reality. This world is for extremely stoic persons, who can be emotionally unaffected by any kind of situation, no matter how high-demand or high-pressure 
  9. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    I don't see how people do it.  Keep going.
    Leading up from the past few months and weeks, these past few days, I've just felt overwhelmingly exhausted, frustrated, afraid, and thus, of course, guilty and ashamed about all that imperfection.
    I've kept doing some CBT and mindfulness exercises.  They help, temporarily.  But I've been much less focused, efficient, and productive, and cannot afford that at all.  And so, as happens, it just feels like the bottom has dropped out again.  I know I've put myself back into a high-demand, high-pressure situation and life, launching an extremely demanding law practice business again.  I've felt good about a lot of it up until recently.
    I don't know how people keep going at the level that life takes.
  10. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to JD4010 in Today 3   
    @gandolfication On balance, this sounds very positive indeed. Sorry about all of the stress that remains, but it's great to know that you have been able to modify and improve behavior, as you put it. 
    Of course I wish you continued success!
  11. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    We had my office holiday party on Saturday night...lot of planning and effort went in.  'Twas a good time.
    I worked the day of and day after.  It never stops.
    I am 3 months in to having re-launched my practice, I was retained by my 30th client last week, which I think is a pretty good startup growth clip.  With some clients, I'm are on to our second or third case, but most all of them are small matters.  Initially, this is the same practice that I ran in 2008-10, while hating it and being suicidally depressed and ending in going in to the hospital at the end of it.  My goal and direction is to evolve into more of a transactional business law boutique (and then ultimately to try to get into a specialized advocacy and crisis management legal/consulting firm ("Special Counsel" or something) that has to do with assisting the mentally ill, and advancing certain reforms and destigmatization, in a for-profit kind of way).
    It's not easier now, though I am considerably better at it, in part for having learned from the experience the first time, and having a different perspective now.  The hours are punishingly long, and the stress is pretty intense almost all the time.  A recipe for a long, balanced life, it is not.  Nor is it a get rich quick plan.  Most of the time, I'm pretty happy with what I'm building, and being able to help people (and for some, their small businesses) solves problems or seize opportunities in law and business.  This is meaningful work to me.
    Running the business operations always threatens to consume all of the time that I need to spend more and more of actually practicing, working on clients' cases, and billing.  And all of this makes it hard to stay in the moment, let alone focused on one thing at a time.  50 things always seem like the most urgent and important at the same time.  And the instinctual, status quo 'solution,' of I'll just work longer, has diminishing returns, and at some point is a mirage, albeit a seductively real-seeming one.
    I've been attempting to train my wife along to help me as an office or eventually hopefully legal assistant, but I think this probably is not realistic.  She just doesn't have the background and has been out of the professional workforce for too long, and the training resources, time and probably even temperament required, make it not a good fit.  Plus, there's no real way to ultimately take the stress and tension out of a work/personal relationship.  I've made a lot of good progress recently (again) in our relationship, but hiring your wife as your 'employee' doesn't help this.  I need a counselor; I have a referral in to a provider and in theory should be on a wait list for their therapist who comes in on Fridays (woo hoo).
    I've had some early success solving client's cases, and had a clear win at a hearing last week in court.  Dumb little matter, but a win's better than the alternative, especially when if the judge followed strict procedure, he probably should have granted defendant a continuance.  
    I've been doing an awful lot of things really well I think, and even with a substantial improvement in efficiency.  This is probably what I'm most optimistic about - the fact that unquestionably, I have modified and improved behavior, actions, and even habits across the first 3 months.  I do seem to be continuing to improve.  It's isolating, and sometimes I look up and realize "sh*t I'm lonely."
    There are inevitable imperfections and stressors, like managing law firm trust accounting.  Though I've stayed pretty well on top of accounting day to day, I hate it and really need some help (I have a call with a virtual law firm bookkeeping company today that I might start paying to assist me, even though funds for this are scarcely available).  and even though I've stayed pretty well on top of it, there is some inaccuracy right now, and it is enough to make me quite worked.  Iv'e tried and discarded 2 practice management software platforms, and started a third which I've used before; it is simpler and better, but they do a terrible job of helping the user migrate and import initial data, so either I or my wife are going to have to do much of it manually, which is pain, and might be stupid.
    I try to remember what I have learned from DBT, from here, mindfulness, etc.  I'm reading a book called Embracing Your Inner Critic: Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset.  I have been attending a UU church (or "unchurch" as I like to think of it), which I like a great deal, and the reverend, who while not officially, has been willing to meet a couple times in a context akin to counseling - listening; sharing resources.  She referred me to and helped me get in to a doctor, after I'd tried a lot of other things and not been able to, since losing insurance and being back on medicaid.
    By half way through or at least by the end of the day (night really), my neck and back are all knotted up from what I assume to be a combination of over-stress and herniated disks in my lower spine.  I try to remember the things from CBT (and the book I'm reading) about keeping the inner critic at bay, by correcting distortions, practicing self-kindness, etc.  I had a bout 3 near-all-nighters last week all in a row.  Though I caught up on sleep the last couple days, but I'm exhausted today.  I'd like to think I could get home early tonight, but that's almost certain not to happen.  So much seems urgent and important.  And it seems like an unending vicious cycle.  Over the weekend, a friend reminded my wife and I that for us depressives, getting out of bed and getting "up to zero" is an accomplishment.  I don't want to lose perspective that I'm in the arena, doing something I feel good about again.  I'm trying to hold at bay, the always powerful thinking that it may all be for nought anyway.
  12. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to John_in_SF in At the Proverbial Crossroads   
    It sounds like your manager is laying groundwork to get rid of you one way or another. From what you said, you are doing neither yourself nor the company any favor by hanging around. I wonder if you have more choices about what to do next than you think. Black/white all/nothing thinking is a hallmark of depression. Isn't it possible you could find another position that made good use of your abilities and which you would find gratifying?
  13. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to HeatherG in At the Proverbial Crossroads   
    Wow that's a really big decision.  My two cents is, the job gets you up and about?  You said if you retire you'll be a "bum"?  How about having a one on one with your manager--and explain that the last manager may have painted a picture of you that's not accurate.  Ask her to give you a chance to show that picture isn't accurate.  Your decision is really, really hard.  And I get that stress, and I'm so sorry your job is so stressful.  Or, maybe find that one hobby or thing you enjoy and retire and have that life.  Life, I'm not sure what that is...  But I so hope the decision  (and afterwards) doesn't cause you more stress.  
  14. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to sober4life in At the Proverbial Crossroads   
    It's a very hard decision.  If it was me I would probably retire.  Can you really handle more stress?  You're working yourself into the ground to hand most of your money to someone else while you sit at home with a low quality of life.  Is retirement even a possibility though?  I'm someone that fights way beyond the point where it makes rational sense to most people so really I could see myself taking either path really.  It's your decision and I understand whatever decision you choose.
  15. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to JD4010 in At the Proverbial Crossroads   
    Well, here I am. Aged 60, divorced, in failing health, with a daughter in grad school. I'm barely hanging on financially because of the divorce settlement.
    My job pays reasonably well but is becoming increasingly stressful and fraught with uncertainty. In spite of the pay, my ex gets the substantial portion of my income. I live in a dump and drive a rusty old car that is on its last legs (er, wheels). I have no luxuries like cable TV or home internet. I don't travel because I can't afford it--and I really don't want to deal with a lot of people if I do manage to go somewhere. I'm essentially a hermit that lives with two cats and socializes only with my adult daughter.
    I had a chat with our interim manager on Thursday and she came right out and said she's not sure I'm the right person for what will be coming at us starting next week...as she put it, this year will probably be the hardest ever. The former manager left notes for his successor about what problems he had with me so her perception is already colored from that. I know that I have sucked as well, partly because I no longer really believe in what we are doing and have become generally apathetic. I've worked in the same place for 31 years and have "risen through the ranks," as it were.
    I need to either really step up my game and get completely out of my comfort zone, or simply bow out. The choice is stark and clear. I have to decide if I want to take on far more stress and responsibility to keep my position, or do I want to jump ship and become nothing more than a bum. It's amazing how the choice has been narrowed to those  two paths I can take. There really isn't any "in between."
  16. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to mmd in Years of boredom   
    I have years without go out. I just woke up right now and... theres nothing much to do, just felt the voidness of stare blankly. No one to talk during the day, just see how the day goes away, knowing its going to be the same for the next one. 
  17. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Epictetus in I don't know what I did wrong   
    I'm sorry that happened to you, DarkRain  
    Family should be a place where people are appreciated and treasured, but sadly that is often not the case.  Sometimes a person is bugged by something in a family member and they focus so much on that, that they completely forget the million and one things about the person that could be appreciated and loved.  
    Then being critical becomes the status quo.  Criticism, even covert criticism breeds more criticism and pretty soon everyone is framing every else in only hostile terms.  It is so difficult to stop this vicious circle since someone has to be the first to appreciate and compliment.  In a hostile environment no one wants to be first to do that.  I know that is true in my own family.  I think it sometimes true in other families too.  
    I wish I knew the answer to it, but unfortunately I don't.  In my own family if everyone is in a rut of hostile framing of each other, I try to be the one to show appreciation and offer some sincerely felt compliments.  Sometimes that is all that is needed to make things better.  Sometimes it doesn't work at all, especially if the hostile framing is long standing and deep seated.
    I can really feel for what you are going through though as this has happened to me so very many times in my life.  It is so painful to feel underappreciated or unappreciated by a family member.  There are no words to describe the pain.
    Hope things improve!
    - epictetus
  18. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to DarkRain in I don't know what I did wrong   
    I don't have the best relationship with my parents but this morning completely shocked me and threw me off. My dad asked me what the pots and pans on the stove were and I said something like 'that's mom's stuff' probably a bit incoherently since I'd just gotten up and he suddenly got angry went off at me, said  something like my body language was hostile, and that I was anti-social then turned around and stomped off to sit at the computer. He didn't explain any further and didn't wait for me to try to explain myself. I was too scared to try and clear it up.
    It shocked me so much because nothing like this has ever happened before. I honestly don't know what I said or did that came off as hostile. I didn't use any swear words, name calling, didn't say anything sarcastic like "well obviously". I don't know what kind of answer he was looking for. I don't understand if he was  trying to start a conversation, trying to test me, I don't have any answers. 
    It was pretty out of the ordinary and I don't know if there' something else going on with him that's making him lose his temper or if there really was something I did that came off as hostile. I ended up wasting most of my energy crying all day. I hated having to sit through dinner with him.
    I'm so exhausted. i could hear him talking to my mom about how I don't have any friends and am anti-social. I'm too scared to approach him about it and I don't know whether going through my mom about this is a good idea. I feel like I should say something to someone though because it honestly scared me.
    I'm not anti-social but it's difficult to hang onto friends when they people I knew at school live at least a hundred miles away. They didn't bother to keep up any kind of relationship with me despite my messages so what can I do?
  19. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Atra in Am I socially retarded?   
    Some people (maybe most?) don't understand how OCD has varieties, that it manifests in ways that aren't just the most familiar examples. The behaviors can confuse them. Depression can be this way, too. Many people thought I just didn't like them because I didn't accept their invitations, I wasn't there for them when they needed me to be. They didn't see me as depressed. And I believed everyone thought I was a jerk. 
    I'd rather know you with your conditions than just see a version of you who is making efforts to conceal or excuse the symptoms. You can work on being a better version of you and you're acceptable just as you are. At least, I think so. Do you think it's possible to see you, apart from the conditions? 
    What might that look like? For example, a person in my support group has Tourettes. Many people think that means cursing but this individual's tics are repetitive movements and sounds similar to a laugh. It is awkward when someone is sharing a sad, disturbing event with the group and this individual is making noises that may sound like laughter and yet, this person is acceptable to our group. We see a person we've gotten to know, not a suite of symptoms. I am curious what do you think about that?
  20. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to samadhiSheol in Am I socially retarded?   
    First of all, I am truly sorry for the way people have treated you in the past. The sad fact is that most people don't know how to act when faced with somebody who thinks and acts differently. That is THEIR shortcoming, not yours.
    You are not in any way "retarded". The word shouldn't even exist in this context. Asperger's or OCD alone can make life challenging and challenging issues is what you "have"..though I'd use the word "have" in this context with caution too.
    We have fancy labels for all sorts of physical and psychological "abnormalities" and no one to my knowledge anyhow, has actually defined what "normal" even means. Yes, one could argue that there is a "mainstream" mode of socializing and behaving towards one another and people tend to stare if one suddenly behaves differently. People can be total aholes to one another at the best of times and I am truly sorry you have to bear the brunt of people's inability to see through social convention and see the person you are.
    The  truth is NO ONE is perfect. Most of us humans keep a mask on all the time. When we let it down, we behave differently, behave "irrationally"and who's to say the world wouldn't be a better place without the so-called social niceties?
    Nope. you are not retarded. God I hate that word. You seem like a good guy and I hope the very best for you.
  21. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to anxiousE in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Feeling really excited right now because my favorite band is returning in concert after like 7 years tonight. Whoop! But I won't get to see the show live, so I'm a little bummed by that, but like it hasn't hit fully yet. Or I'm just genuinely happy for those that got to go. Later tonight or tomorrow when I do finally see crappy videos of the show, I'll probably be depressed that i missed it. Sigh! I guess im just feeling emotional.
  22. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to BeyondWeary in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Feeling overwhelmed and very tired. My life is too crazy with too much going on. 
  23. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to sober4life in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    We all have a dark side.  There are things that I can logically never make amends for so my brain will always have that to use.  My opinion is we should make all the amends we can make and then move on and be the best people we can be from that day forward.  We at some point need to shut the door to our past and throw away the key.  I pretend the person I was was someone else and it was someone else's life.  The longer we move forward in sobriety the more impossible it becomes to ever be that person again.
  24. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to JD4010 in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Well, I appreciate you and @sober4life trying to boost my sense of self-worth. But last night was a rude experience. I had to endure my dark side in excruciating detail. It is the worst thing to come to terms with and it continues to echo throughout my soul. 
     I suppose in a way it's a blessing...it would be far worse if I continued to rampage through life without a conscience. 
  25. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to ladysmurf in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    I think I am getting a cold, not fun ... I already don't like the winter it brings me down, the last thing I need is to feel worse ...i hope everyone has a good weekend..
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