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idkusername465

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  1. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to Kogent5 in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Devastated and feel childish because of it. I didn't get that job I wanted. I didn't even get an interview. Why encourage me? Why raise my hopes and I wasn't even close to what you wanted? It's sadistic. All he had to do was agree with me that I wasn't qualified.
    I don't expect to be the first person someone thinks of, but I'm not even a footnote to certain people I think of a lot. I'm probably high up on the list of marks they can get to do work for them, though. I'm like a dog, just waiting to please them. They don't respect me and I don't respect myself.
  2. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to anxiousE in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Slept in again today and watched tv all day. At least i got to the dishes and did a little kitchen cleanup. Sigh! Just feel blah! 
  3. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to adamrparr in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Thank you, @sober4life!!!   I really appreciate it.  I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without help from you & everyone else on here.
  4. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to sober4life in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    That's great!  I'm proud of you.  I'm sure the kids just want to hear from dad no matter what's going on.
  5. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to adamrparr in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Doing ok today.  Not all that bad.  I went to that first job interview today.  #1, I’m not that interested in the position, and #2, not sure how well it went, but because of my lukewarm interest in the job itself, I’m not all that concerned with how it went.
    Not very depressed today.  A little.  I am struggling with some fear though.  Because of a lot of the mistakes & screwups I’ve made, I’ve not been able to contribute as I need to financially to my ex-wife & kids.  I have such guilt, shame & fear surrounding the whole situation that I’m so often terrified by calling the kids.  I haven’t been doing it regularly, because of that tremendous fear I have.
    So ashamed that I almost can’t bear it.  Fear often keeps me from calling them, and that makes things even worse.  I have guilt & shame on top of guilt & shame that it just makes it even more difficult to call.  Sounds like such a small thing but it’s tearing me up & I really don’t know how to get beyond it.  It overwhelms me.  The only thing I know to do is simply to begin calling despite how afraid & ashamed I am of the situation.  😔
    ————
    Update:  I called ‘em & am going to tomorrow as well.
  6. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Floor2017 in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    I feel good I made 50 but there were times I just didn’t know if I would get there.  I’m looking forward to the next phase of my life.  I pray that it is better than the first half.  😊
  7. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Devlinkyla in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Appointment went good 👍😊made her smile 😂
  8. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to JD4010 in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Hahaha. That sounds quite familiar. 🙂
  9. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to JD4010 in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    I'm coasting on autopilot. Believe it or not, that is a good thing. Beats the heck out of constant, nerve-wracking anxiety.
  10. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to sober4life in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Yeah I remember the last time I had them.  My friend and I went through a whole tray of them with the two of us.  They were about half cooked because we were wasted and couldn't wait anymore and he pulled them out with his bare hands and dropped the tray on the floor and we ate them anyway.
  11. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to sober4life in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    It's been another week that has run me into the ground but I have a plan moving forward.  I don't have anything big to do until Tuesday and I'm going to force myself to only do the bare minimum until that day and I'll be ok.  
  12. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to anxiousE in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Remember those dishes? Well, I've been back on the couch since that. :/ Make matters worse, husband's tip for the day on his health tracker thingy, was to get no more than 7to9 hours of sleep or you'll get unfixable heart disease and overweight and something else. I dunno. Like I don't already know this is unhealthy!
    now I feel like taking a walk...
  13. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to anxiousE in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Guess I'm also super bummed that nearly everyone, if not everyone I know is going to my favorite band's concerts and I'm not because of my health issues. :(
    Ok, on the treadmill now. :P
  14. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Kogent5 in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    The thing is, I am internal! I've been volunteering there for several years and the hiring manager (my volunteer supervisor!) told me about that position a full month before it opened. I had told him that he knew I was severely underqualified, but he kept saying "oh we can train you" and that I should apply, to the point I felt obligated to try even though I felt no confidence. This tortured me for 2 months. I absolutely love where I volunteer and would've loved to work there.
    I didn't mind not being hired...but I wasn't even worth an interview when my supervisor is the hiring manager and he urged me to apply...that's how useless I am. I am at zero confidence right now and zero trust of people.
    Thank you for your kind words. Right now I'm just going to accept my physical feelings about this as they are and try not to think too much.
  15. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to Fray13 in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Barely getting any sleep, leading to MORE anxiety, moodiness, headaches. I get maybe a couple hours sleep, if that, and then I don't feel like facing another day...I don't remember the last time I had a good one.
  16. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to adamrparr in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Damn, brother.  I’m really sorry to hear that.  Sadly, I can relate SO well with all of what you wrote.  With respect to the sleep, are you taking anything for the insomnia.  I tried everything under the sun but finally had to get a prescription for it.  Trazedone.  Works pretty damned well.
    Tell me a little more about what’s going on, man.  PM if you want.
  17. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Divinely Desolate in Hi all   
    I'm new here, just had a quick browse around the forum, and it looks like a great place for support, for everyone going through mental health issues. I'll start by saying i'm a male from the uk, and suffer from what I feel has been progressive depression over many years, at first, I felt like it was something i could control, as it didn't affect my day to day life, but now it seems like it has spiralled out of control. Probably because recently, I had a bad breakup with my ex and was with her for 9 years, and it also saddens me that she has already moved on. I don't think my breakup is the sole reason for my depression, because I feel in my life, everything has gone wrong, from friendships, to work and I feel more and more people have been distant with me, I just feel like i am at a point now where I feel so lost, and alone and really don't see a bright future ahead. I do hope being a part of this forum and reading all your stories and journey's fighting depression, can somehow inspire me to change and get better...
    thanks for taking time to read this x
  18. Sad
    idkusername465 got a reaction from Tilted in "You can be whatever you want!"   
    As someone who is fairly young (25 years old) I will chime in with my opinion on this one. I know some of you look at me and think "What are you complaining about? You REALLY do have you whole life ahead of you! I wish I was your age again!" And to be honest you wouldn't be completely wrong.
    But all I can see is the sheer impossibility of the task ahead of me. Continuing to live life and striving to be the best version of yourself while knowing all too well you are woefully inadequate. I cannot construct a future in my mind where I am even remotely successful in the next 5 - 10 years. I think in the end, darkness will swallow me up and I'll end up taking my life. People tell me I'm smart, people tell me I'm kind. I can see that I have potential, but thats all that it is, potential. It will probably never be realized. Without drive, passion, a strong work ethic, or just a general desire to succeed, you won't be able to get anywhere in life. And I lack all those qualities.
    I seem to be listlessly walking through life hoping some miracle brings about some type of inner change in me. Something that changes my view on life. But this magical event won't ever come. This actually raises the question, what does it mean to be whatever you want to be when you don't actually want "to be" anything? The question itself presupposes that every person is endowed with this inner desire to be or do something. When it is pretty obvious to me that not every one has that inside of them.
    Ahhh, I've rambled long enough...  
  19. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from Tilted in "You can be whatever you want!"   
    Your comment made me think of this quote:
    "It is not seen as insane when a fighter, under an attack that will inevitable lead to his death, chooses to take his own life first. In fact, this act has been encouraged for centuries, and is accepted even now as an honorable reason to do the deed. How is it any different when you are under attack by your own mind?"
    ~ Emilie Autumn, The Aslyum for Wayward Victorian Girls
  20. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to twotone in low and scared   
    Feeling low, scared and lonely today.  It felt like a December of pressures,  and it feels like I've been swimming against the current fo r some time. Over the last few days I can almost sense changes in brain chemistry.  Scary time,  feel v. vunerable at the mo. Seeing doc tomorrow.😢
  21. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Lucas Allan in How did realization changed how you felt?   
    Hello,
    I'm posting this new topic as a continuation of something I wrote on the introductions topic, and this is like a question to some of you who might want to answer.
    I understand that one of the most common feelings one gets when depressed and anxious is the apparent inability to change things, to feel impotent.
    I've been to a good number of therapists, but it never stick, and that's because I don't feel that reaching the root cause of my feelings, knowing why I feel the way I feel, helps me feel different.
    So I want to know from your, if there's even a way to explain this, what process did happen for you when you realized why you felt how you felt that made you feel differently.
    I faced many, many traumas and flaws about myself, and came to realize them, and that they're mostly the reason why I feel this way, but realizing this didn't change anything like people, and therapists, usually say will happen when you achieve these realizations. I mostly know now why I'm insecure, anxious, depressed and such, but knowing why didn't help... So that's why I wanna hear from someone that it dit.
    Thanks in advance for reading all this.
     
  22. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to Lundi_Hvalursson in Almost unable to function   
    I am not going to discuss the issue(s) that have been bothering me for the past month or so, in order to not be made fun of and/or berated. But I usually do not have depression. I have anxiety and self-esteem problems, but depression does not usually happen to me. However, I have sunk deep into probably the worst depressive state of my life, even worse than in 2016 when I got so depressed that I lost almost a third of my entire body weight.
     
    I feel dejected to the point that I am having problems eating again. It does not help that I often have acid reflux and indigestion, but the depressive state also affects my appetite a lot. I lost interest in almost all of my hobbies. I can barely have a conversation nor concentrate on simple tasks because I feel hopeless. Not like it matters, since people say that I look so mean and unapproachable that many do not even want to talk to me. Instead, I feel tense and a very high heart rate, which is exacerbated by my chronic hypertension. The home blood pressure machine that I have is showing my pulse almost always over 100 at rest, plus blood pressure averaging around 155 systolic. Headaches and muscle stiffness almost all day. I cannot sleep well due to ruminations, tossing and turning and just intermittent sleep. Often I just feel like I am sick of life, despite having turned 30 a couple months ago.
     
    Are these things usually temporary? Each day is a hard. How does one usually get out of these depressive states?
  23. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to colcat in hey-o   
    hi there-- i'm going to cruise some of the other forum topics shortly to see if any of them could help me more specifically, but I thought my first post should be an intro one, anyway. 
    i'm grateful to have found this place, I think, just because i've really been struggling lately.
    and i have a lot of friends who are super brave and speak out about their mental health struggles and their depression, so rationally i know i'm not alone, but i've never been like them. i can never speak up and when i'm having a particularly rough time because i don't want their pity and i don't want to seem like i want anyone's attention (even though i know that I don't think those things about them when they speak up and ask for help & support.... why, brain? why?)
    long-story-short, i'm hoping that i'll be more likely to ask for help or advice from strangers rather than the people i love. i think that's the way it's gotta be, for now. so thanks for possibly providing that avenue!
  24. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from duck in How Can A Coward Change His Life?   
    Thank you Epictetus for your kind words. I will try your advice and I'll let you know how it goes.
     
  25. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from duck in How Can A Coward Change His Life?   
    One of the things I want to start doing is live streaming on twitch. Twitch is a live streaming platform that allows individuals to stream themselves playing video games or just stream their daily lives. It's something I think I would enjoy doing but I'm too scared to put myself out there. I guess I'm afraid when people watch me they won't like me or they'll discover how much of a loser I am. I guess its really a fear of rejection.
     
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