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idkusername465

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  1. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to RAMZY in Social Media and Depression   
    The rapid growth of technology and ever increasing usage of internet in this modern world is fastly becoming a major source of depression. The proper use of internet and the social media platforms to your advantage is good but when it exceeds the boundaries it can become harmful. Today people tend to interact and connect to each other via their screens rather than in person. Hence this creates a gap of emotional connection between them and when needed for support in difficult times they find no one to be there for them. Also some people get demoralizing thoughts and get depressed after looking at others achieving better in their careers and having a more comfort life then them.
    What are your views about this link between social media and depression ?
  2. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to ladysmurf in How Can A Coward Change His Life?   
    The fact that you are even considering changing your life , does not make you a coward..
  3. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to TopekaK in Depression has come back   
    Hello again!  Actually I've been sort of struggling with the shopping thing. Not so much shopping to feel better, but spending, even on essentials when I don't have the money.  Then panic when the bill comes. I do get depression that worsens in phases. Read up on trauma and how it relates to adult functioning.  
    Seems like you have an idea of where your troubles stem but getting free help is almost impossible. Using this site can help until you decide to get further therapy. I'm lucky in that I realized buying things made it worse so I embraced minimalism but still struggle with finances.  It's a practice in self control that's not easy.  Asking for help doesn't hurt.  Stick around.
  4. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to thecolorgreen in Depression has come back   
    I'm glad to have found this forum. The last time I had depression bad enough to seek a forum was three and a half years ago. I tried going back to that forum just now and it was very inactive, sadly. I'm glad to have found it here. Hello.
    A short background...
    I noticed my depression really coming back about 5 months ago, so I sought treatment. There were a genuine two years that I felt just fine, and about a year of a slow downward spiral. The last time I had depression which lasted a dark two and half years, I cured it by by moving and making many major changes in my life, but I am now in a situation where that's not really an option... I have trapped myself. I do feel the desire to escape in order to fix it, but I feel this time I have to look deeper within myself instead of running away. I struggle with anxiety as well, and have developed a horrible coping mechanism: a shopping addiction. I am currently not on medication. I am struggling to find affordable therapy that fits my schedule in my small town. My insurance sucks and the therapist I found is barely covered and charges a lot, but I can go to her after work. But I am only able to see her once a month now and even that is a strain on my finances, which is a large part of my worries due to the shopping.
    My depressive feelings are rooted in loneliness and struggling to connect to people even when I really try. I have extremely low confidence and self esteem, mainly in my abilities relating to my career and it really worries me. Five months ago my mother came to visit me for the first time since I moved, and for the first time I realized that she has been emotionally abusing me my entire life. This is the event that really triggered my depression again; it was shocking to finally define something that made me feel so abnormal for so long. And I have come to realize I learned to have low self-esteem from her, as well as a plethora of other personality flaws (which now I realize came from coping with how she treated me), particularly in the root of people-pleasing tendencies. I feel like I have neglected myself for a long time, I let myself take a job and feel trapped in a toxic work environment where people emotionally manipulate me as well, I struggle to make friends, and my hobbies have slowly broken away. I feel scared to create anything again because I hate myself so much, so instead I would rather be bored and do nothing, like literally just sometimes stare at a wall... And sometimes instead I then just shop to take my mind off of everything, and put myself in an imaginary world where these things I convince myself I need tell me I am confident. 
    I would be interested to hear if anyone else has depression that comes in waves like this, and if you've ever struggled with a shopping addiction or other dangerous coping mechanism, and perhaps even what kind of trauma you may have experienced in your formative years that has contributed toward low mental health. 
  5. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from Kogent5 in How Can A Coward Change His Life?   
    Here's another update:
    Part 1
    So I finished the internship portion of my program around mid-January. My last day at my internship was actually a very positive experience. As I was saying goodbye to everyone, everyone told me how much of a pleasure it was to work with me, wished me the best of luck, and said they felt confident I would do well in the future based on my performance there. To be perfectly honest, the whole experience was kind of emotional for me. There was such an outcry of support that I was filled with such a sense of pride and joy. There were even 2 people who asked me for my number so they could stay in contact with me. All in all, it was a great sendoff.
    Ever since then I've been meeting with a job counselor who has been helping me apply to jobs. She is a nice enough lady and she seems to have a lot of connections. Although, I must say, some of our conversations trigger me just a little bit. I wouldn't say she is necessarily to blame for this, she isn't rude or anything like that, but the combination of being incredibly sensitive mixed with the topics of, "What do you want to do with your life?” etc, can be really triggering. Anyways, I've went on 2 job interviews so far and while they went well, much to my surprise, they haven't lead anywhere. So the process of sending resumes, emailing people, making phone calls, and going to interviews continues. *Sigh*
  6. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from ladysmurf in How Can A Coward Change His Life?   
    My internship starts tomorrow so wish me luck! 
  7. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from ladysmurf in How Can A Coward Change His Life?   
    I have an interview on Monday for my internship. Hopefully it goes well. 
  8. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from June322 in How Can A Coward Change His Life?   
    Here's another update:
    Part 1
    So I finished the internship portion of my program around mid-January. My last day at my internship was actually a very positive experience. As I was saying goodbye to everyone, everyone told me how much of a pleasure it was to work with me, wished me the best of luck, and said they felt confident I would do well in the future based on my performance there. To be perfectly honest, the whole experience was kind of emotional for me. There was such an outcry of support that I was filled with such a sense of pride and joy. There were even 2 people who asked me for my number so they could stay in contact with me. All in all, it was a great sendoff.
    Ever since then I've been meeting with a job counselor who has been helping me apply to jobs. She is a nice enough lady and she seems to have a lot of connections. Although, I must say, some of our conversations trigger me just a little bit. I wouldn't say she is necessarily to blame for this, she isn't rude or anything like that, but the combination of being incredibly sensitive mixed with the topics of, "What do you want to do with your life?” etc, can be really triggering. Anyways, I've went on 2 job interviews so far and while they went well, much to my surprise, they haven't lead anywhere. So the process of sending resumes, emailing people, making phone calls, and going to interviews continues. *Sigh*
  9. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to jeffreyd in Cannot stop terrible thoughts   
    Hi everyone. Over the past couple years my anxiety has increased to an almost unbearable level. Some nights I get no sleep at all. It affect my work and social life. Basically any idle time i have I fill with "what ifs", especially around my kids. Both are in college out of state. I start thinking of all the bad things that could happen to them, and it just freaks me out. The more I try to stop thinking about them, the more I do. I worry about accidents, abductions, just anything bad. I also feel like I do not measure up anymore. No self confidence. Even with old friends, I feel a bit out of place, like there is something wrong with me. I basically cannot enjoy myself anymore, I feel inadequate, different, rejected. Can anyone relate? If so, what helps  you? 
  10. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    Me too.  The big dreams are all out the window anyway.  I don't have resources to do big things.  Books/ideas....they ARE the big things.  (And my kids).
    Today felt like a deal breaker.  It's awful.  I'm in that place where we don't have anything, and I need to just focus and do the next right thing.... Which I did for about 120 minutes out of a 10-hour day.  Everything just keeps mounting.  I'm kicking myself for not using that gun.  (All I can think about now is going back to other methods, which are harder, longer, more painful, unless effective).  I don't know how to face any part of life any more
    My sister called with support.  And I don't want to sound too cynical or ungrateful here.   The vast majority ended up a talk about how I just don't believe the Bible enough.  And how that's the only answer.
    And I'm either desperate, gullible, or conditioned enough to think.... Yeah that's probably as true.  It's sick.
    My drs apt tonight was pointless.
    I'm losing this battle.  I have never felt worse, and am trying but not able to turn it off so far. 
    just thinking with a little bit of awareness about what I'm writing, I know it's thoroughly toxic.   (And I hate myself for all of this)
    And I have this feeling I can't get rid of.... That there's no one and nothing coming to save us.
     
  11. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to JD4010 in Today 3   
    Honestly, it's the little stuff that keeps me going too. The thought of sitting down in my rickety old recliner with my two cats after I come home from work is such a highlight of the day.
  12. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    You're pulling out the big guns with the metaphors and word imagery.   Yah, I knew, and hoped, if I held onto it, eventually opportunity and motivation would intersect enough that I'd use it.  Ironically, kit's ******* me to not have the escape option, but I guess I'll have to get over it.
  13. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    I'm fighting.
    I just bought a book I'm very excited about, so there's that to look forward to.
  14. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to JD4010 in Today 3   
    That trapped feeling. I know it all too well. The same with zero optimism.
    It goes without saying that I'm happy you took the gun back. Those are a little too easy, in my opinion.
    I'm not sure what the answer is. I am searching for it myself. We are rowing similar boats up similar rivers. I think I just busted one of my oars, too.
  15. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    The past 6-7 days...i'm not sure, it's kind of a blur....have been heavy and difficult.  But I have really been making conscious efforts to apply some basic, but useful, mindfulness, and positive affirmation thinking, and using my better more aware self, over the negative inner critic.  It beats the hell out of toxic negative thinking.  It felt good at times.  I even managed the immensely-strained relationship with my wife better.  Spent a lot of wonderful time with the kids, and was in the process of picking myself back up, catching up on work, overcoming some mindless anxiety and procrastination.
    I took the gun back to the store and returned it.  This was really hard.  I needed the money (I only got half of it back of course), to pay this month's rent.  I began almost immediately regretting it, as I kind of knew I would.  Now I don't have a readily available escape option, and life seems even harder and more hopeless.  I feel trapped.
    I started a recruitment process to find a paralegal, but I don't have the capital.  My dad and possibly brother may be willing to help, but it really comes down to their reviewing financials, and the financials are beyond terrible.
    I feel trapped.  Nothing new to do.  Nowhere to go.  Slave to money then the end.  I'm having trouble dealing with the pain right now.  I have a therapy appointment today and Dr's apt. tomorrow.  I have zero optimism that either of these can help, let alone will.  They just don't.  I'd have to lie to myself about my own experience.  The problem is me, and no profit-focused chemical compounds have ever done sh*t for me.  Therapy is nice; I like talking to people.  But it just simply comes down to whether I have what is needed to do better.  I'm really regretting not using that gun while I had it.
    I can't keep going like this.  I think it's truly insane and mad to keep pushing myself for the next day's pain.
  16. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to adamrparr in Today 3   
    Outstanding, my man.  Very good to hear.
  17. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    I'm up preparing for a client meeting and trying to binge-work some things done (I know I never learn).  Checked the docket for the criminal defense client meeting I'm preparing for tomorrow.  Judge granted both my motions, continuing the trial and modifying bond conditions (despite a loooooong and eventful rap sheet), and allowing the client to return home to the west coast to live, work, and have needed surgery.  So he'll be happy tomorrow, and I suppose co-counsel will be also.  The judge made clear in her opinion that she isn't very happy or amused with me...noting she reviewed 53 pages of my motions and exhibits.  I can live with that.  What can I say, I wanted to win, and my client cuts hair for a lot of celebrities I thought she needed to know...the relevance being that he earns 3x the income out there, and is able to provide for himself, and pay child support, and keep a business going that has helped turn around a lot of things in his life, until...well, recently.
    I'm going to force myself to savor these two outright wins, which is why I'm posting about it here.
  18. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to iWantRope in Today 3   
    This is something not possibly achievable for DFers.
    In fact, I worry for the day that something in my mind just 'snap'…and when I come to my senses, the abusive bully's lifeless body is lying at my feet, me wondering what horror my hands have done..
    I need to resign from my current workplace.
  19. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to duck in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Sorry to hear.  That sucks. 
  20. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to duck in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    I went to my men's support group tonight and I let my anger out.  It was building up for several days. I have been treated like a fourth class citizen all my life and I am tired of this.  I going to speak out from now. 
  21. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to jkd_sd in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    I understand the 'vicious circle' guilt, etc.  That is one of the nasty symptoms of anxiety/depression, and no it is not a "small thing".  Every time around the circle the monster gets bigger and uglier.  Congratulations on kicking that bully in the shins (not exactly the phrase I was thinking, but need to keep it clean).
    I stumbled into a way of keeping contact with one person.  I got into the habit of calling him at the same time on a specific day of the week, and now that is our set time to talk.  Maybe that will work with you and your kids. 
    That is awful.  The rules at a place I used to work said that every opening must be 'advertised'.  Sometimes they created a job for a specific person.  They still went through the sham of advertising the job, accepting applications, and interviewing candidates before giving the job to the person they intended from the beginning.  I always thought that was cruel and unfair to everyone else who applied for the job.   ☹️  Hope you find a position much better than that one!
  22. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Floor2017 in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    I’m so glad that you called and are going to see your kids 
  23. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Devlinkyla in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    I feel better 😊
  24. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to sober4life in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    I agree I wouldn't be here without this place.  The people here remind me of my good qualities and that keeps me going.  If I was left to my own devices and left to only hear the words of people in real life things would be much different right now I'm sure.
  25. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to Devlinkyla in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Beeping angry 😡
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