idkusername465 reacted to Charlee in Deeeppreesssiiiooonnnn.......
Do you think one can be depressed for so long that they don't know any other way to exist so they continue to be depressed? I find my mind often drifting to this train of thought, I remember being a kid and being happy, or I at least remember myself as being a happy kid, but then I move on to my teen years and it becomes so dark, granted a lot of messed up shit happened to me during those years which is most likely why I am the way I am as an adult (now 28). But it's so dark, I cant remember a time that I wasn't a child and not been depressed, anxious, angry, scared, hurt omg I don't know. But I think it's scary because I don't see a way out, I don't see how my future will be any different. I'll probably be on one antidepressant or another my entire life and I'll always be battling this. Sure I go through months where things don't seem so bad, but in the months that are bad... its really bad. The thoughts are loud. I cant cope.
I don't know if this makes sense, I guess the point of this is to write these thoughts out to others who understand where I'm coming from and perhaps share the same fears as I do.. or are older and have been existing this way for awhile. Im scared, I'm alone, I'm sad and (TW suicide) I don't want to be part of this world anymore. I've never really admitted to being suicidal before, but I think I have to admit now that these thoughts are getting stronger and darker and the out is looking better than existing..... I'm really struggling, I'm so in my head, I cant seem to get out. Doing my job is hard, getting out of bed is hard, everything feels like I'm slogging though thick masses of mud. Everything is so hard right now and I guess this is a cry for help more than anything.
idkusername465 reacted to Moongypsy575 in 20 years!!!!
I hate depression so much, I’m trying so hard to eat right & do some exercise everyday, but getting older makes things a lot harder. I just realized today I’ve been coming on this website for about 20 years now.....this was so helpful for me when I was first diagnosed with my disorders, I’m almost 46 and have been a member since my mid twenties.....anyways I’m just trying to interact with people again because my anxiety & depression is getting to a unbearable point again. It’s a never ending struggle.
idkusername465 reacted to FerryJerry in Loosing all hope
In the space or a week a number of things have happened, I lost my fitness group, stopped exercising and my skins gotten really bad with eczema so much so that it became infected and the pain is 9 out of 10 it’s like my skins burning whenever I put cream on it and it was a struggle to get help because it was a weekend but I pushed and pushed and the pharmacy helped me chase my prescription and I’m feel so low and today I got bullied several times and I then drank too much coffee and can’t sleep and my tooth is broken, then I got hernia pain back from lifting something heavy, it’s been 8 years since I had my operation to fix it and I with my ptsd I forgot I ever had a hernia and lifted concrete blocks. I feel depleted and overwhelmed. I just needed support today and my partner slept all day after getting a fever from the covid vaccine. At times today I felt suicidal and I’ve decided to sell my console because of the bullying and deleted my social media (Twitter) as I was being harassed terribly because I didn’t agree with what other people said. I had several projects I was working on like building a bike for fitness and I run in to issues and a rabbit run because my rabbits broke the last hutch and I’ve burnt through a lot of money, the bike feels like a bottomless pit, first the clearings wouldn’t go in and they broke, then I needed mote parts and tools and it’s been a waiting game but I’m in debt and broke because of it, I said to my partner that it would cheaper to just buy one built but the parts turned out to be really steep so I salvaged some parts off of used bikes from an auction and I need to respray some parts but it’s been raining all week and I am just over whelmed and run down and needing a doctor and a dentist and appointments just are not that easy to get for the dentist, they will patch you up but won’t do any kind of work that involves drilling due to restrictions passed by the government and I’ve already lost one or two teeth because of this and I stand to loose a third tooth. I let my cats in to the bedroom tonight because 1: I can’t sleep but 2: I need some support and cuddles with them stop me from going over the edge.
idkusername465 reacted to sober4life in social anxiety
That's how my bipolar disorder makes me feel. It's a very destructive thing for me. When I'm depressed everyone hates me. When I'm manic everyone is attracted to me and flirting and thinks I'm the most interesting person they met that day. Nothing good can come from this at all. Of course it's all in my mind but in the moment you absolutely believe things are exactly the way you think they are.
idkusername465 reacted to Atra in social anxiety
I remember walking past a small group of women, I briefly stole a glance at them. They seemed to glance at me and then started laughing with each other. I was convinced they were laughing at me. I felt shame, ugly, loser.
I remember walking past a woman and forcing myself to catch her gaze. Then I offered a small, gentle smile. She glanced at me, quickly looked away and then she fixed her hair as we passed. I felt handsome, confident, manly.
Is there a difference between these two stories? No and yes. In both, people are reacting to their own thoughts. Believing that I'm the object of their thoughts is what's identical in each. In reality I'm not the object of people's thoughts hardly ever. Most of the time, people are thinking about themselves, how something affects them.
But I have an anxiety disorder, and it demands a chew toy (else, why would I feel nervous?). My anxiety disorder believes I must control everything around me--or else! So everything people around me do has to be all about me. My flavor of anxiety can sometimes seem nearly indistinguishable from narcissism: I'm either a piece of crap or king of world. And the doubt concerning which I am is literally driving me mad.
It's a melodrama in my mind.
idkusername465 reacted to sober4life in social anxiety
It's getting worse again for me because people are much worse through the pandemic. There's no such thing as friendly anymore. A bull dozer sums it up well. Everyone is all for themselves. They barrel in like a freight train toward whatever they want at the time and they don't seem to care what damage they cause. In like a tornado and out like a tornado just as long as they get what they came for.
idkusername465 reacted to Frank99 in Lost At Sea
Lost at Sea is probably the best way to describe what state I'm currently in. I'm 35, I'm lucky to have a career that has allowed me to live the life I've been able to so far and it took a positive step last year when I took on a new job that I've been able to carry on with during the pandemic. I'm also fortunate enough to call myself a homeowner as well so you would've thought those would be things to shout and cheer about? Yet whilst on paper I should, in actuality I can't because I'm at the stage where I don't feel satisfaction; I strangely feel trapped in a state of limbo with a prolonged feeling of 'this is it' and that I've already lived my best years.
I live alone, I've never had a serious relationship and have been struggling to heal after falling in love with someone who didn't love me back a few years ago. Whilst that certainly didn't cause everything I feel, it certainly pushed me to my personal breaking point before finally seeking help. Whilst there have certainly been improvements and there have been a number of things that I've been able to get off my chest, the truth currently is that I don't feel a way out.
I'm introverted by nature and interacting with people and knowing what to say has never felt natural to me. Women aren't really drawn to me and I frankly don't have a clue either. It's frustrating to see so many around me seem to make it look easy whilst to me it feels like I'm being asked to perform complicated heart surgery. Emotionally I feel a lot number than I used to feel, I used to feel excited and looked forward to things even if they were small things. But now I feel just empty, broken maybe. I've struggled on and off with depression for over 20 years but it's never dragged me to a point where I am now. I'm not suicidal and nor have I ever been, but I can't help feeling that the joy of life has left me and that something is missing. Worse still is that I have no idea how to get it or even whether that actually is the missing part.
Things are just a bit of a struggle at the moment.
idkusername465 reacted to jkd_sd in I recently left DF. you would know me as samadhiSheol.
You make several good points, and I respect your feelings. Maybe leaving electronic social media and concentrating on the 'real world' will be helpful. I sincerely hope so.
All the best to you. Above all, I wish you peace! Good luck. 🍀
idkusername465 reacted to Depressedgurl007 in I recently left DF. you would know me as samadhiSheol.
I don't know what else to say, except that I hope you do find the peace that you need within yourself. None of this is your fault, you are only human. You have your own strengths, which I hope you can see. I'm glad you make a decision and it doesn't matter what happens in the future, you have done your best, celebrate that. Love yourself, because you are living with yourself for the rest of your life. Thank you for being there for me at my worst. Be there for yourself too. All the best.
idkusername465 reacted to sober4life in I recently left DF. you would know me as samadhiSheol.
I just want you to find peace and happiness in this world. I understand everything you are saying and feel the same as you feel for the most part. I want you to follow your path and get the best life possible. One day any day in the future I would love to hear you say I figured everything out and I had an amazing life.
idkusername465 reacted to JD4010 in I recently left DF. you would know me as samadhiSheol.
Wishing you the best, my friend.
idkusername465 reacted to mokshaGehannum in I recently left DF. you would know me as samadhiSheol.
moksha gehannum, turiya herem and samadhi sheol were the invention of the novelist Stephen Donaldson. They were the Ravers, the servants of Lord Foul, the ultimate evil in his Thomas Covenant - fantasy novels.
I chose samadhiSheol as my name on df. I liked the idea of the dialectic of turiya, moksha, samadhi, the various states of meditation of the path to liberation as in hinduism/Buddhism on the one hand and the various expressions of hell in Judaism: sheol, herem gehannum on the other. (herem is actually more like "excommunication", a form of hell for some guess).
The moniker I am using for this post is an ad hoc account, because I don’t have access to my old account any longer. I was rash to leave like that, I admit. But the fact is I needed to leave DF. And there are things I want people on DF to know before I leave, however. And I need to say good bye properly.
samadhiSheol is now officially terminated as far as I am concerned and you won't here of me again after this post.
I have had enough of DF. I have had enough of social media in general. Hell, I have had enough with people in general. I have had it with life, at least with my life as it stands. I will not continue this existence if I don’t find a purpose and a REASON to life. Something I can call mine. Me. A soul. Right now there is nothing. I am an empty husk. I have never really lived. I have barely existed. Whatever I have done in life has felt more like a chore than something I would relish doing. I am not holding my breath of ever finding even a resemblance of purpose or meaning, however. And I will not settle for anything anymore. Certainly not for a "resemblance". In life, or death, its all or nothing.
DF hasn’t helped me at all. I know this is (just) a peer support group. And some people do actually
get something out of peer support.
Back in the day I was an outpatient on a psychiatric ward for about six weeks. I was in because of burnout, but all the other “inmates”, or “outmates”, if you will, suffered from depression. I had little in common with the other people there.
I only participated because it was a compulsory part of my treatment back then, fifteen odd years ago. It was waste of time. Being there did nothing at all to help me. So god only knows what went through my head when I joined DF, six years ago. I guess I thought online peer support would be different. In a sense, I suppose it is different. We don’t know who other people are, for real. Not that that makes any difference really.
I am not a “people”person. And a bit off topic, you know what? There is bright side to COVID, lockdowns, social distancing etc. people like me are having a heyday. We don’t have to invent excuses to not meeting other people. In this sense, last year was a good year for me. About the only good thing about last year.
Like a lot of people, I have spent more time on social media, DF included during covid. And little by little, I realized it has the same effect on me as socializing in real life. It exhausts me, taxes me and after a while I get bored and find it hard to focus on anything. And this is in the rare instances I actually enjoy communicating with people.
People..I don’t really get people. I don’t understand the small talk and the inanities of every day conversation. And it all gets blown out of proportion on social media.
There is something fundamentally wrong with social media. We aren’t equipped, cognitively, emotionally or in a vocabulary sense, to communicate the way we do. Facebook, Twitter, DF...the platform doesn’t matter. It seems we regress to the lowest common denominator when we communicate en masse. In real life too. Just look at political protest marches, even the benign ones, or a regular soccer match.
Or again, perhaps it’s just me. Whichever, I have had enough.
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I don’t doubt for a moment that the initial idea of any given (mental health) social media based platform is benign and the intentions altruistic to say the least.
I have been on a steady downward spiral since I joined. And though I can’t blame DF for my mental health decline, It has contributed largely to it.
The thing is, people on forums like DF are vulnerable by default. The parlance and the way we express ourselves, the continuous primal scream of pain we express, does nothing to alleviate the pain, or utter emptiness and hopelessness we feel. The moderators mean good, but let’s face it, every mental health forum should have mental health professionals involved. Someone with a true objective perspective.
I am not saying that a mental health platform-based on peer support alone doesn’t have its place. But it’s not for everyone and it is as flawed as any social media.
Another thing entirely is I became addicted to posting on DF. Largely because I have no other outlet. I have no one to talk to in the real world. So I just blasted away, on DF. I never had any sense of release, or felt any better after spewing out all the vitriol, pessimism, misanthropy and self hate. All it did is fuel the fire. I didn’t really know what addiction was before. Now I know and it has to stop. One way or another.
I have no idea what will happen to me. I think of ending my life daily. I think how pointless life is in general, let alone my failure of an existence. I hate myself. I think a I have always disliked myself. I hurt myself in a psychological sense and also physically. I see nothing good in my future. Life is just a meaningless, steady decline of a Groundhog Day. As yet I have no reason to change this view as to life or myself. Staying on DF, or any other social media based online platform will just make me worse.
I hate myself for being in the same state I was 15 years ago. I hate myself for not being able to deal with the dead end job I find myself in yet again. I hate myself for not being able to get out of this situation and actually make a life of what little there is still left. And I just hate myself.
There is nothing within me. I am a void. Emptiness can be anger, hatred and hopelessness though. Replacing a soul I guess. If I ever even had a soul it has been consumed by despair and pointlessness in the hell that is existence.
Me. I. What a joke. Half the time I don’t even know who “me” is. I know I despise “me” whatever it is, though. I have always been a weakling, a bit stupid and a failure in life.
I see no way out. I hope I will be dead as soon as possible. There is nothing out there for me. This world clearly doesn’t need my distinctiveness. And I don’t really want this world. People suck, nearly as much as I do. Humanity is doing it’s best to destroy itself. Sadly it’s too stupid to realize this.
Good bye DFers. You deserve to feel better. It’s most likely too late for me. But if there is any chance for me at all I have to leave DF.
idkusername465 reacted to jkd_sd in Wish I'd never started - does it get worse before it gets better?
I agree with what @surfcaster said. Also, while reading your post, I noticed something that reminds me of me. It sounds like you are trying to 'solve' every issue intellectually. There is nothing wrong with intellect, but remember that is only one aspect of a person.
We all have intellectual, physical, and emotional (or spiritual) parts to us. They also overlap. It kinda sounds like you may not have dealt with some issues emotionally as well as you have intellectually. I went through this with a family issue from my childhood. I did not know why it kept coming up when I already 'understood' it. Long story short, I had not dealt with it emotionally. After going through the emotional garbage, the issue finally felt settled.
This is just a thought -- use or disregard it as it works for you. Good luck.
idkusername465 reacted to Awes0me in What am I looking for
(Edit : I don't know if my post was posted or not because the original post had a "Pending Approval" sign which I don't clearly know what it is about. So I'm reposting it (Mods or admins please tell if I'm doing something wrong or not)
Today I'm 20 years old boy and feel like neet since one year. Let me explain why.
1 Year ago (ends at September 2019) I was enjoying my results from my own discipline, routine, tasks and quests.
I've followed an habit tracker and a schedule about what I had to do each day.
It was not perfect but there were a lot of good result, like losing 20kg of fat in 6 month (from Jan. 2019 to August 2019).
Training everyday and eating real clean.
I was very determined and resilient.
But as in Oct. 2019, I moved from my dad's home to my mom's house because I couldn't anymore bear my dad.
It was a great relieve to be at my mom's house because our relationships are better.
But for my productivity and results in my life, it was a krash (like Wall Street in 1929), everything fell down, I was not anymore training and eating clean.
I'm not just talking about getting fit, everything that I was working on when I was at my dad's home fell down, like getting a job or get in university, making my own music, reading books, writing my thoughts on paper etc...
I really feel like I turned from a "go getter" to a "doomer" or even worse I don't know about.
I don't know what is going on with me, I do visit many psychiatric every week since the last month but they say that I may just have anxiety.
I gained 30kg (of fat and water I guess) since Oct. 2019, from 80kg to 110kg today.
I totally lost interest into girls and love because confidence isn't enough and whatever, I don't have anything to share neither do they, I'm not a self-made man, I'm just free and nobody wants to have a free person with an empty life.
The one thing that is quite positive I think is that I haven't fall into a coomer, because I stopped watching porn 2 years ago, even girls on instagram or ads. (I don't even do drugs, alcohol or smoking).
My days goes into memes, /pol/, eating a lot, watching Bizonnacci, MilleniaThinker, BoJack Horseman and channels about politics, economics & sociology.
I don't know why I feel that hard and down.
I don't know if I'm asking for someone's help or just tools & advices.
The worst thing going on is not falling apart, is to not know why and how to stop this.
(This picture kind of represents me actually)