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  1. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to sophshelt in I am so depressed and miserable.   
    I have been feeling so sad and helpless lately and I am struggling with dealing with it. I feel like my life gets worse everyday and that no one cares about me. I am so miserable. I cry all the time, and then feel like shit for crying. I don't want to hate myself, but its hard when it seems like the world hates me. I don't want to be me. I hate me. I am so alone. 
  2. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to anon22ae in Skype   
    Unknown Skype calls are usually going to be scammers or hackers, most often trying to steal from you or take over your system.
    There are all sorts of those, often claiming to be the IRS, Apple Support, Microsoft, etc. They might tell you that you owe the government $3000 and to go to Walmart right now to buy iTunes cards and send them the serial codes before the police knock on your door. Or it might be a Micro-Soft (sic) representative warning you that a hacker took over your system and that you need to install the repair tool using the link they give you. What you'll actually be installing is often a Trojan backdoor that gives them full control of your system.
    I'm not too familiar with legitimate Skype support groups, but I'm sure they're out there. There's also chat, even in this forum (though I'm not sure anyone is organizing sessions).
    I can also mention the SOS (Survivors of Suicide) group in Second Life (virtual world). They have weekly support groups and are quite active nowadays. I used to attend these and should really make the effort to go again, since there are some good people there who help a great deal. I have tried to help others there as well, but I seem not to be very good at it.
  3. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to algernon in Having trouble - looking for advice from someone similar   
         I can't stop the negative self talk and I am anxious about the future.  I am so anxious I just don't want to even wait around for it.  Part of why I am posting is that I have no support system.  I know my family and friends don't care or don't identify or simply don't want to hear anything negative.  My sister has told me herself she doesn't care about my problems.  She was someone I was close with, but she started to withdraw as soon as her life got better with family and a better job.  I think I was put on the list of toxic people in her mind to avoid that bring her down.  I'm a 40 year old man, and I am a mess.  Work has me stressed out with the excessive demands and low pay, and school makes me feel less competent every day.  I had wanted to quit my job to focus on school, then Covid hit, and the only reason I stayed was for the insurance.  With that, wages were cut and the unpaid overtime is endless.  I'm in the software development field and I always feel dumb or too slow to keep up.  I hate how mentally difficult software development is coupled with unreasonable deadlines and endless work.  My career has kept me so busy that I have burnt out too many times to count.  I feel a burnout coming again and I just want to flee.
    I have a hollow life.  I live alone,  don't date, and don't have my own family.  I don't really have any external interests.  Relationships scare me because I don't really want someone else to have to put up with my mess.  Honestly, dating is not a priority for me because of my physical appearance (short, heavy) and everything else I feel has too much damage for someone else.  I finish school in a year, but it is an online degree and I feel it will not be taken seriously.  Plus I don't think I can do anything else at 40, I feel just too old.  I am also afraid just switching jobs in  the same field is not possible.  I'm somewhat stuck with this, and I hate it.  I just don't want to tough it out anymore.  Most men at my age in my career are pulling in large salaries and show off their assets.  They probably have days like I do but can tough it out, and I can't keep up that false front anymore.  I have a long way to go before I get there but I just don't want to keep up this fight anymore.  Has anyone found a way to do a turn around mid life?  How did you do it?  How did you get out of the handcuffs that make you feel like you are drowning in sorrow?
    I feel so sad.  I'm having trouble really voicing this, but as I reflect on 20 years of my past life, I don't want to do another 20...I'm just ready to stop
  4. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from anon22ae in Psych ward   
    Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences
  5. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from JD4010 in Psych ward   
    Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences
  6. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Naier8 in I don't know how to manage this situation   
    I have a somewhat complicated situation and I don't know how to act.
    I have been married for 10 years and the last years of my relationship have not been good, many discussions and problems with the couple.
    A year ago my partner started a relationship with another person and when I realized, I entered a depression, I had to go to a specialist and search a lot on the internet to overcome it.
    In the end I think we have a toxic relationship, since looking for information is the answer I got ...
    The problem is that I don't know how to manage my depression without affecting my family, children and parents.
    Can you give me your opinion?
    I also share the article that helped me to know what was happening in my relationship, in case you can give me advice on what is happening to me: [link removed]

    Thanks for the answers in advance
  7. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to psychocandy in Depression and not thinking straight   
    Used to be a regular on these forums...
    I've been good for a few years now. Wife has had her own problems in the past. And shes been having a bad time of it lately - back on meds. Its been tough during lockdown - as I'm sure it has for lots of couples.
    First, talking about my faults. Yeh I can be needy - I'm sure I'm a right PITA to be honest. I try not to be but I know sometimes I can get, as the saying goes "up on my high horse" sometimes and take things a bit too seriously.
    So its our wedding anniversary today, she gets me a card which said something "despite lumps and bumps over the years we can be grumpy when we're old". Stupidly I made a comment "what lumps and bumps?" BAD BAD BAD IDEA.
    Wife went nuts. Accused me of doing it to try and control her by ensuring she get the RIGHT card next time. Accusing me of doing this all the time. Confused me a bit? Asked her to explain and only example she came up with is I refuse to put things in the attic because its full, and I know she can't get up there so I'm controlling her and getting what I want by refusing. I must admit I don't get it - Lazy maybe but controlling? Never my intention anyway. Surely something like this is a disagreement.
    I tried to explain to her that I had no idea she felt like this but, again, no other examples.
    I've been googling it and I honestly don't think I am controlling. I dont want to be. Annoying lazy PITA husband maybe. I dont know how she makes the leap to controlling to be honest.
    Then I remembered what I was like when I was really ill some 20 years ago. Everything was negative. Everything had a different meaning. Everything was like seeing life through a dark cloud. I'm mega sure I was probably just like this but I can't remember.
    Can anyone else relate? I love my wife to bits, I try not to be a PITA but its really upset me that she thinks I'm controlling. I just can;t see it.
    Any positive advice here for me? Other than let it go because shes not herself and give her some space?
  8. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Epictetus in when I am not depressed   
    It sounds like a good analogy to me. 
  9. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to SqueezeWax in Psych ward   
    I've been in psych wards several times.
    I would never want to discourage anyone in serious danger of harming themselves from going. To be honest though, I've personally always found them to be completely useless.
    Essentially all they do is scramble around your meds, and you go to six or seven groups a day, where no one talks. You are talked at by a social worker, or somebody like that, and are given generic advice about depression, but more often about how to handle stress. It's not like in TV movies, where people are pouring their hearts out and crying and hugging each other. I truly have never known what any of the other patients I've been around were specifically in for. Everyone would just shoot the breeze and watch TV between groups.
    I luckily don't have any horror stories to tell. Being at Linden Oaks in Naperville, IL was the worst, because to be brutally honest I hated the other patients. It was like being back in junior high, only everyone was in their 20s-50s. There seemed to be 200 people there at once, and the staff obviously loathed speaking to you. That was as bad as it ever got for me, though. The experience has always been painfully boring and uncomfortable at the same time, but I do realize people go through far, far, far worse.
    I don't believe I was ever made to go cold turkey on anything. I don't think I was ever prescribed anything new, either. They would only change the dosages of what I was taking.
  10. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Mysterious_585 in How to help this man?   
    In a manic phase, he Would shower me with attention (if we’re physically apart like when I travel for work, there would only be 3 hours of the day that he wasn’t trying to call or text me). He wanted 3-hour phone sex convos, and to have sex all the time. Then he became withdrawn, said he needs to stop having premarital sex per his religion (Christianity) because he wants to be someone me & my daughter can be proud of & feels he’s such a lousy person right now... then actually admitted that he’d lost libido and is glad when seeing me makes him want to have sex badly again. 
    He said he is “getting worse,” only wants to go to work and come straight home, does not want to see anyone besides me and my daughter. Then told me he can only be friends because he is a miserable poisonous person who will always fail at expectations , always has in past, and can’t even love again. Once recently he referenced being “generally disinterested” in doing anything at all but still continues to want to see me and my daughter. He has said twice before that he should get help before “things get worse”; the last time was just yesterday. But then today when I reference that I think it’s a good idea, all he keeps saying is he’s fine and I shouldn’t worry about him. Unsure what else to do.
  11. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Epictetus in Attachment Problem   
    Hi Ryan and welcome to the Forums.
    I am so very, very sorry that you are suffering this stressful and confusing sadness.  
    Wish I had some really profound wisdom to share with you that would help, but sadly I lack such insight. 
    The human brain is so mysterious and often seems to have a mind of its own, and its own unique coping mechanisms.  What you describe is something I have experienced myself when I was lonely and in my life I know of perhaps as many as 600 people or more who have described attachment to a television character. 
    So I don't think you are alone in what you describe.  I would even guess that there must be millions of people who have experienced this worldwide.
    A movie director in an interview once said that he was attached to a television character.  
    Although not directly related to what you wrote, the famous psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung wrote about "imaginary friends" and said that he had one throughout his long life. 
    He believed it enriched his life and imagination and helped him in his work as a psychiatrist.  So I don't think what you write of is anything to be embarrassed about.
    It can be hard to make friends for many people.  Many people, I imagine in the millions, have friends who they would rather not have or who leave them feeling lonely. 
    Married people here on the Forums often write of feeling misunderstood, trapped and lonely in their relationships as do people here who are in friendships. 
    I suspect loneliness is a universal human experience that affects people who are isolated and people who are in relationships.
    You have reached out here on these Forums and perhaps you will make many good friends here.  People here that I have met are often very understanding, kind, encouraging and consoling.
    Often there is a degree of luck in finding friends.  One of the marks of being human is that we can very often find substitutes for anything we have lost too. 
    I am terribly sorry about what is happening to the television character your described.  That happened to me before and was heartbreaking.  I don't think you are pathetic at all.  I am glad your brain has a vivid imagination and has helped you cope with loneliness.
    I wish I had something better to offer you, but sadly I don't.  Hopefully others here will have better and more helpful words for you. 
    It is certainly a great pleasure and honor to meet you, Ryan and I hope you find these Forums to be a warm and welcoming place!
    -- Epictetus
  12. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to jkd_sd in Nervous about free time   
    Sorry, I do not have a solution, but I do recognize what you described.  That is a very good explanation of one of the most common symptoms of depression.  That reduction of enjoyment of previous pastimes is very common and easier to fight when you are busy with tasks that insist on being dealt with.  
    If you are seeing a therapist, mention it to him/her.  He may have some suggestions that will help.  One thing that sometimes helps me is to aim 'small'.  Example:  Instead of trying to convince yourself to go for a bicycle ride, try encouraging yourself to just step outside for some fresh air.  Once outside, consider 'strolling around' for a few minutes.  Then try getting on your bike 'just for a trip around the block'.  Once on the bike and rolling, maybe just keep going a little further or to 'one more' place.  Hope this helps.  Good luck!
  13. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from justannabelle in Not the same   
    Hi Devlinkyla,
    All of us are going through something and nobody blames you if you feel you can't respond to every post on the forums. Sometimes I feel the same way so I just give the post a like so the person who wrote it knows I at least read it. Try not to beat yourself up over it!
  14. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to justannabelle in Depression as a life sentence   
    I've been struggling with depression for almost as long as I can remember. I started therapy again in September last year since I felt I couldn't handle it without help anymore. For a while now my therapist has been trying to get me to accept that my depression will be with me for the rest of my life. Yesterday, it finally clicked. She is right, I've been vulnerable to depression my entire life, and it's not going to go away. There will be moments when it's manageable, and there will be moments when it's not. I should learn to live with it and find more and better ways to cope instead of trying to aim for a "cure".
    While I'm sure she sees this as a major breakthrough for me, I feel as if I've been given a life sentence and this realization has just completely broken me. I feel like the last tiny bit of hope I had left is now gone, and I've been fighting an invincible enemy all these years. I could never have won this. I could handle it, all the falling and getting up again and again and again as long as I knew what I was fighting for, something at the end of all this, something better. I was fighting to get through this, because the life 'on the other end' was a life worth living, and I wanted it so much to be mine.
    I can't realistically keep doing this my entire life. Major episodes occur more often as I get older and they're always worse than the last one. I feel utterly defeated and exhausted.
  15. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from Tymothi in Not the same   
    Hi Devlinkyla,
    All of us are going through something and nobody blames you if you feel you can't respond to every post on the forums. Sometimes I feel the same way so I just give the post a like so the person who wrote it knows I at least read it. Try not to beat yourself up over it!
  16. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from jkd_sd in Not the same   
    Hi Devlinkyla,
    All of us are going through something and nobody blames you if you feel you can't respond to every post on the forums. Sometimes I feel the same way so I just give the post a like so the person who wrote it knows I at least read it. Try not to beat yourself up over it!
  17. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Devlinkyla in Not the same   
    Am not the same person that I was when I first joined df not for the better am really struggling lately so sorry if I seem like am being rude or just not talking it’s so hard to just read what y’all are saying that I stop in the middle and just leave 
  18. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to DarkRain in How to cope with racist parents and covid-19?   
    Today was really rough for me. My mom hasn't stopped making racist comments about the BLM movement and it's really been wearing me down. I just can't understand how she can be so callous and cruel to people who are hurting. Both her and my dad are like this and have the attitude of "life is tough stop complaining".
    They also don't believe the virus is really serious and ridicule people wearing masks or who are worried about getting sick calling them paranoid and saying it's all political propaganda. I don't know what to think about it. On the one hand I was given a mask when I went into the clinic for an appointment, but my parents are so adamant and determined citing one single medical article as their argument....I'm so tired of them. I don't know what to do or what to think and it's so hard to avoid them because there's no place to go with everything shut down. I'm so stressed from this my skin is breaking out, I'm having trouble concentrating on anything including video games and movies, I'm not cooking for myself anymore and relying on instant meals and snacks which isn't good for my health. I hope this all ends soon.
  19. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Bulgakov in What have you been doing   
    Hello FE,
    Welcome to the forum!  It's a great idea, and if you want you can look over the ongoing thread in the DF Water Cooler topic list, "What did you do today".  Best in finding something helpful.
  20. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to FerryJerry in Today’s the day I am trying to reclaim my life   
    I have been struggling for a very long time since my teenage years and I had ptsd from an early age and panic attacks also anxiety and it’s helped ruin my life but today’s the day I am taking back my life, I have been on new medicine and I had nothing left to lose really, after the medicine had time to work the depression lifted, I felt able to face the haunting memories that crippled me and I can concentrate, it’s like the fog has lifted and I can see through the clouds and see a beautiful rainbow 🌈 it’s early days but it’s looking good, I want to lose weight before I get health issues, in my family we have heart issues and diabetes and I am concerned about it so that’s my first life change I want to make, I want to try get out more for exercise and do more. The actions of others caused me to fall down and go down to destructive path but I am taking it back I am regaining the power I once lost because they took that from me and now I am taking it back, they caused me to lose my teeth, my health and my mind but the tides are turning. I am grateful for the things in my life like my home, my pets the tools I need to grow as a person. It’s almost as if someone flipped a switch and I emerged from the ashes of my life feeling well again, well enough to see life in colour and I am going hold on to this moment tightly. I must sleep now but for once I am happy and peaceful and that’s all I ever wanted
  21. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to sober4life in I have no control over my anger.   
    Yeah I can't really manage my emotions around people anymore.  It's not always anger but it's most of the time ranting and raving every time I talk to people.  It's always strong emotions for sure.
  22. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Atra in I have no control over my anger.   
    Sounds like a pretty honest and powerful admission. I will often try to externalize, to disown my feelings. Make them the fault of someone or something else simply because I'm unable to manage them. 
    Welcome to the forum community @Afloat. Letting down our walls among safe people is how we start to get support. Good job. 
  23. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Afloat in I have no control over my anger.   
    Thank you @Atra. Thank you very much.
  24. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Atra in For no one   
    Hi @SolaMara. Welcome to the forums and I am sorry to hear about the isolation and disconnection you're experiencing. That is so difficult. You're not alone. 
    You wonder what you can expect here - understanding, compassion, acceptance. This version of you is acceptable to me, even now, as you struggle to find any hope of improvement.
    I want to recognize that writing about your struggle took a measure of courage. Fighting the battles in our minds out in the open always does. I suspect no one ever improved from depression by not talking about it. Now that we're aware, I will say that you're worthy of inclusion and acceptance, love and validation no matter how wretched you might feel. 
    I regret that I can't tell you how to fix anything, I've never spent a day living your life. But I and others can empathize with your pain and perhaps that's a place to start making real connections. Let's remain open to the possibility. 
    Wishing you some relief from symptoms. 
  25. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to JustTiredAnymore in Just so Tired   
    I reached out to my parents (again) this weekend and got the usual BS.
    First I wasn't taken seriously.  Got the usual platitudes, and "well, you've seemed fine lately."
    I elaborated about my symptoms and what I've pursued in search of relief, including posting here.  I literally got yelled at for posting personal things online for the world to see.  
    Most of the time I bury it to be the person everyone wants me to be.  And then when I can't anymore, I'm wrong.
    I hate my job, and it just keeps getting worse.  I know I need to go somewhere else, but I've got most every symptom of severe depression and all symptoms of burnout.  And that's their relentless solution...  Look for a new job and move.  Right, because if I barely have enough energy to keep myself afloat in my current job, I must have plenty left over to make the life changes that most anyone would find extremely stressful.
    I get out of bed for nothing more than to meet the obligations others set for me.  The rest of my time is avoiding those obligations with TV, the bar (when it was open), and sleep, only to feel guilty later on.
    I'm constantly told about all the great attributes I have, but only when I share how badly I feel.  It doesn't help.  Actually, it makes me feel worse.  If I have all these great things, why am I only a doer for people.  I'm just a doer, and if I say no, however politely, I'm tossed aside.
    When is there going to be a win?  Recognition for a job well-done without just being assigned even more responsibility?  Someone say yes to a date?  A vacation that I get to chose where to go and I don't have to travel alone?  Hell, right now my employer has restrictions on states I can travel to which rules out the one thing I actually enjoy doing alone.
    I slept all Sat night.  I slept most of yesterday.  Had dinner and a beer and slept all night last night.  And I just want to go back to bed.
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