Jump to content


Silver Member
  • Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won


Reputation Activity

  1. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    The longing
    It never goes away. 
    I'm musically illiterate.  I never became obsessed with music, the influences growing up from family and mostly christina-world bubble were limited.  So, the song title, Can't Get No Satisfaction is what I'll use here, even though I'm certain I've never listened the whole song, and only vaguely know anything about it.  But taken literally, it describes the restless, overactive, insatiable mind/body/heart/spirit, that plagues us.  At least people suffering with depression and anxiety.  I think of it as shark-syndrome, because the only way it ever shuts off, is if we die.  Even when we sleep, our brains--and hopefully usually different and more benevolent and healing parts of our brains--keep running.  It may be in "sleep mode," but unlike a computer, it can't really be turned off temporarily.
    My best friend from law school, Dave, got us a couple ticket to the law school alumni monte carlo night.  We went and had a good time - did a lot of good networking, catching up and probably have some good leads for writing projects.  This'll be terrifically difficult for me to monetize, logistically, performance-wise, and emotionally.  But...when I write (even when its not good), I feel alive.  Just for moments, I'm completely engrossed in a way nothing else does.  It's pure creation.  I'm sure it drives judges and partners and opponents to distraction.  Wonderful.
    Among many other people I met, was the Dean's wife, who's a psychotherapist.  I have this recurring tension between thinking that while (a) I feel like I've obsessed so much about depression stuff and how to try to get better that there can't be much or anything 'new' or still useful out there that could help...because time after time, thing after thing, comes up hollow; with (b) realizing I have kept thinking most of the same thoughts over again, and this surely must limit the growth and broad-mindedness, the learning mindset I once had with hope.  And so, this morning I thought, well, a new therapist at some point would still be great because after all, in terms of human knowledge, insight, and just stuff in the cosmos to discover, there's still much more in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in my small philosophy.  Or as one of my favorite writers famously understated it, quoting world champion baseball manager Tony LaRussa, "there's a lot goes on out there."
    I scavenged a couple extra free drink tickets and had we'll just say, several glasses some good Merlot.  On the way home picking up the kids, I made what always feels like a mistake and called my brother, and shared some of the recent experience at the UU church, and the definition I formed/adopted that god is "exactly what I hope and need it to be."  And he prattled (that's not quite fair, he's a brainiac and interacts in good faith and with a warm heart) on that I'd given the definition of a "belief" in general, not of god.  I said, Pete, by definition, everyone already believes that all of their believes in god are the truest.  He said sure, but that's not a commentary on the reality of god as revealed in either general or special revelation.  He's probably right (about the logic and argument, not necessarily that it actually hangs together and reveals god), but he doesn't know everything either.  (Great argument I know).  At one point something he said felt insulting, and it got heated, and then the phone kept cutting out - bad timing (he didn't mean it personally, it's just inevitable if we're both debating sincerely as we do).  But, per usual, it made me start questioning/second guessing the validity and even healthfulness of my thought process and journey about this.  How silly I know, and yet, it just provides yet another endless vista to ruminate on.  Nay, today, instead I'll just accept the good.
    I keep searching.  Wondering, worrying, thinking, investigating, pushing.  Even if I wanted to stop, I'm not able to.  I'm listening to the score from Interstellar as I write this, and do think, as humans, exploration seems to be in our blood.  Cooper, the main character played by Matthew McConaughey says, "our greatest accomplishments cannot be behind us, because our destiny lies above us."  I think it's in this film, that he also says, we will go.  We have to go...because, it's there.  I always liked that.
    Yah.  There must be a lot goes on out there.  So today, I'll open my eyes and ears and soul.  And let it take me where it will.
  2. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to gcac in Message to the Mods about Ketamine   
    I know the Mods of this forum are well-meaning and doing a great job. I can't help but notice that most of the ketamine treatment threads get shut down, citing that it's a Schedule 3 drug, and referencing a link about potential ketamine abuse from the Department of Justice. Maybe someone sent you guys a scary looking cease and desist with some official looking letterhead, insisting that you should shut down these conversations, or maybe it was just a well-meaning but misguided decision. Whatever the case may be, I would like to point out a few things in the hope that you will allow this necessary and productive discourse to take place:
    The first is that being listed on a controlled substance classification system most certainly does not preclude you from talking about or even using these substances in a medical setting, which is exactly what's happening with ketamine clinics.
    Other Schedule 3 drugs include Xyrem (used for narcolepsy), AndroGel, Testosterone Cypionate, Testosterone Enanthate -- certainly treatments based upon those medications are described ad-nauseum in a host of related forums (narcolepsy, male hypogonadism, etc.) How silly would it be to stop talking about those medicines because of their scheduling class? There is nothing illegal or immoral about conversing about these treatments. The schedule classification is only to highlight what they consider a sort of warning for the abuse potential that those medicines may have. Key words -- warn of abuse potential.
    Here are some Schedule 2 drugs for you to consider -- remember Schedule 2 drugs are considered to have a much higher potential for abuse than Schedule 3 drugs. Schedule 2 drugs includes Adderall, Vyvanse, Ritalin, Concerta, Focalin. Can you imagine a lot of depression and/or ADHD forum conversations where you were not allowed to discuss any of the medicines I mentioned above? They would be worthless!
    Another thing I'd like to draw your attention to is the importance of ketamine as an apparent treatment for depression - it's considered possibly the most significant advancement in psychiatry of the last 50 years. The Cleveland Clinic (one of the best/largest research hospitals in the world) declared ketamine treatment for depression the 7th most important Medical Innovation for the year 2017.
    There are some very sinister forces at work here. Pharma had pretty much given up on developing new/useful medicines for mental health decades ago. In the late 90's you had Yale School of Medicine researchers discovering ketamine's antidepressant properties. Ketamine is impossibly cheap and useful around the world. It is on the World Health Organization's List of Essential Medicines, the most effective and safe medicines needed in a health system. Don't you find it curious that as soon as it becomes clear that Ketamine (this cheap and abundant medicine) has the potential to become a widespread treatment for one of the most important and pervasive illnesses of our time, a couple of things happen? First, Janssen Pharmaceuticals sets out to "develop" something called Esketamine (just a mirror image of the regular ketamine molecule -- the fancy word for this is an enantiomer). They didn't develop anything new at all, enantiomers are really easy to do and provide no value over their mirrored counterparts, but they get awarded a (bulls**t) patent for it anyway. Now, something that costs just a couple of bucks can be sold with government protection at $800 per dose! The second thing that happens is that there is a significant lobby to get ketamine reclassified as a Schedule 1 drug along with heroin, LSD, MDMA, and mescaline (this has yet to occur).
    The mods here should not fall prey to these disgusting and cynical games that are being played at the multi-billion dollar level. The people responsible will have a lot of blood on their hands for scheming a ripoff of this magnitude with so many innocent lives in the balance. This forum is a very important forum in the depression community -- you have a responsibility to all of us forum participants to allow productive conversations to take place regarding the illnesses we are sharing and treatment options that are available. You should at the very least make the necessary legal consultations to verify that the forum has every right to allow open discussions about this medical therapy that is being provided across dozens or maybe hundreds of clinics across the USA under authorized physician's supervision.
  3. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to SailingSoul in Feeling like a failure (Rant)   
    I have one more class before i graduate but I feel like a failure bc I worry about finding work--I'll have to wait 3 months because of my baby.
    I love my baby but i have to vent. 
    I hate i got pregnant now. i hate Ill be a single mom. I hate Ill be dealing with a crying baby by myself while being cooped in a house.
    I hate I will have zero support. I hate I have no friends to help me feel better. I hate I'm still at home and will be 28 soon. I hate i will deal with ppd.
    I hate I have no one to watch my baby for a low price and have to trust a sideways gov funded daycare. I hate I have no one to talk to about my feelings, my mom is right next to me and didnt once ask me how school was despite always always being an hour or more late to pick me up.(My family does there own thing and I suspect they may all be going through a depression of their own so I don't want to burden them) I hate no one asks me if Im ok. (Im still trying to come to terms with the fact I'll be a mom..it feels so surreal that I'll dissociate when he gets here.) 
    I hate being in a cramped 1 bedroom with 6 people and 2 dogs, I hate I have hpv in 3 places-- I feel Im on borrowed time and I won't work fast enough to get myself out of this situation before I die. To die in this situation would be a true tragedy to not know the happiness of living alone and finally being alone would just be fked up-- Id rather wish I weren't born 
    Sometimes, I truly hate I'm here. 
    I Hate being alive sometimes... 
    just hope this feeling will pass. I just feel like shxt and feel i'll be a horrible mom bc Im not ready mentally
  4. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from nojoy in horrible day   
    Yea I would check to see if your school has free counseling for students, I know my school did.
    Anybody would be stressed if they were in your shoes, you are dealing with a lot right now.
  5. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from Nightjar in horrible day   
    Yea I would check to see if your school has free counseling for students, I know my school did.
    Anybody would be stressed if they were in your shoes, you are dealing with a lot right now.
  6. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from hendricksbrock in horrible day   
    Yea I would check to see if your school has free counseling for students, I know my school did.
    Anybody would be stressed if they were in your shoes, you are dealing with a lot right now.
  7. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to Depressedgurl007 in Do You Matter   
    Hi Floor, I’m about to post something related to this but on the negative side: In the end if anyone here commits suicide, no one here actually cares. Cos that’s just another unmet person in another part of the world who just died. Maybe feel worried for awhile but then everyone will just move on and no one actually cares. I don’t matter to anyone. 
    I’m feeling very down today. I wish your words lift me up Floor, but it doesn’t and I’m very disappointed with myself. No matter how much people try to help me, the only person who can change me is myself. I have so much hatred towards myself. 
  8. Thanks
    idkusername465 reacted to Floor2017 in Do You Matter   
    Well, life has it’s up and downs and sometimes you begin to wonder do I really matter.  Is what I do significant to what others do and think 🤔?  I’m sure that all of our lives matter in some way or another.  The Question is how does it matter.  We spend  a life time trying to be relevant to the people around us.  I hope in this that we can all begin to see our self worth and value to the world as we live on a daily basis.  Enclosing:  You are somebody and you do Matter 
  9. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from BeyondWeary in horrible day   
    Yea I would check to see if your school has free counseling for students, I know my school did.
    Anybody would be stressed if they were in your shoes, you are dealing with a lot right now.
  10. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to BeyondWeary in I feel very helpless   
    My heart goes out to you. I wish I could do something to make things better for you. I believe you do matter. Yet if you're not getting the support and help you need and are in a lot of pain, how can you feel like you matter. So sorry you are going through this.
  11. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to FerryJerry in I feel very helpless   
    I am more and more pain each day so I take strong pain meds and they help my pain and mood but I don't like to live on them and I need to see my dotor because the pain is getting worse as is my mental health but nobody will help, my partner spends all day in bed asleep and I can't look after myself I am dehydrated a lot of the time, I in pain both mentally and also my bad legs and I don't have any will left to live and I have considered saving money to travel somewhere where the doctors could assit me in dying because I could convince them that I am suffering a lot because I am
    my fiance doesnt want me to go to hospital but she doens't help and its not her fault because she struggles too in the end I am probably going to get worse because I can't be very active and even being hungry triggers me but I am too depressed to make food or to look after myself, In a desprate bid to try and cope I have taken up a new hobby I ordered the cheap parts which will come this week or next week I have decided to take up magnet fishing because its something to do and I can sit on the bridge with a folding chair
    I got my hopes up this morning when my partner said lets go for a walk and get food at the food van and then she took it back and went to sleep so I have sat here online ever since in this chair in agony and hungry, I really need a carer but I can't afford one and I feel like I am a burden and I have lost my will power. I am super angry at my dad because he keeps promising to do things to help but then he lets me down time and time again until I get fed up and disappointed, his life revolves around his new girlfriend and the only reason they are coming to visit is because she wants to see the area as she never has been and I doubt they will spend much time here
    the mental health team wont help me because they cant be bothered to even do an assesment they want to try and get my old records and were very dismissive and would not listen to me and I have had enough of this world and society becuase I don't fit in so other people treat me badly because I am autistic, the only thing I have going for me is my cats and rabbits and I am struggling to give them a good life in terms of giving them the attention they need because I can not move very much because its difficult to walk and move now
    I don't want to be a burden anynore and I don't want to deal with other people
  12. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to BeyondWeary in horrible day   
    So sorry you are going through all that. Maybe your school has counselors that you could see. You may need something since you are dealing a lot of hard circumstances. You are not alone in this. We are here for you.
  13. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Lorax in Away from home   
    So I am working away from home for a couple weeks. Couldn't ask for a better place to go, literally right on a Pacific Northwest beach. Working 10-15 hour days but I don't mind what I am doing, plus get plenty of breaks with free food in the employee break room. Big crowds of people, which I don't like, but it's not really bothering me much. Sharing a beach house with a group of people who I get along with just fine. 
    I should be happy. Every normal person would be enjoying themselves and making this a memorable experience. And while I am working I am just fine, not happy but not bad, so that's a win for me. But now that my shift is over I sit in my room alone. Feeling terrible. If I can't find enjoyment in this then what is there. 
    What's funny is when this is over and I am home and back to my regular job and routine I am really going to miss it here. 
  14. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to sober4life in Lost Lonely Loser   
    I know how you feel.  I put out all the effort with people.  When I'm done we're done.  There is no me showing love and getting love back.  People take what I give them and then move on end of story.  The next time I see someone I want to see is if I put out all the effort.  Nobody has ever been happy to see me.  Nobody has ever stopped by or called just to see how I'm doing.  Nobody cares how I'm doing.
  15. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to MarkintheDark in Prepared to Check Out By Year's End   
    Perhaps TMI for even this thread, but I finally composed and sealed one very important exit letter.  It's taken a few drafts over some weeks, during which I've had time to re-examine some points, and even took a few further hours to edit for the right tone. 
    Most importantly, I wasn't particularly sad or angry as I made the final draft, emotions which have been otherwise overwhelming many times the past couple of months.  I won't say I was dispassionate, but I laid out my circumstances and frustrations as best I could.  I'm pleased with it and was able to comfortably put it away for future use.
  16. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to JessiesMom in Prepared to Check Out By Year's End   
    @MarkintheDark - I have greatly appreciated you on this forum and I hope that you will be here for years to come. I wish there was something I could do to help.
  17. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to hendricksbrock in horrible day   
    I have had a hard time readjusting to being back at college. I currently am not in therapy and if I'm being honest I would feel bad asking my family to pay for therapy witheverything else we have going on right now, but at the same time I know I cannot afford to pay for therapy on my own. Last year my depression subsided greatly when I began school, but I'm assuming that's because I was a freshman at the time and being busy constantly made things easier for me. However, after this summer, I'm just not sure I can forget or return to life like nothing is wrong. These past few days have been particularly bad, I'm in a new major and my parents had to drop a hefty amount for supplies this year and we haven't even bought my books yet, which are going to cost almost 200$. Where I work has been very mismanaged the past few months and that pressure has fallen on me and other workers, who are also full time students. It's so much work for not a lot of money and little thanks, and that is something I am usually okay with. However last night was a really bad night at work and something happened that caused me to have a panic attack, but I had no choice but to keep working because all my other coworkers slacked off and did no work.  I got off at 10:30 pm and had to come back in at 5:00am. I work very hard and care about my job and love my coworkers, they are what make coming to work so bearable, however this morning a manager publically shamed me and another coworker for being too "jokey," at work, and did so in front of other employees. That same manager implied there might be romance involved which was embarassing for the both of us, especially me, because I do like this person but I do not believe they like me. It was awkward and shameful, and we were told we were no longer allowed to be friendly with each other like that at work. Believe me when I tell you there was nothing inapropriate about the way we were interacting, and by the way, this is a RETAIL job, last time I checked we can converse with one another. I have known this friend for a year and consider him a close friend but after being embarassed by our manager in front of other workers we can barely look at each other. I planned to come home to see my parents with how sad I was feeling, but my friend just told me her roommate is in the hospital with pneumonia, and I spend most my time in her room. My mother has cancer and is getting chemo, and right now her immune system is at an all time low. I can't justify putting her at risk of contracting something that serious for my own selfish reasons. Besides living with OCD is so hard if she did get sick I could never forgive myself. I am already imagining the worse. I feel alone. I feel miserable. I feel hopeless. I feel tired. I just don't know what to do anymore 
  18. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    Very interesting how you wrote this.  
    "The rational side of [you] says that it is only [your] perception of how things work." (bold underline added).
    I have often borrowed the phrase that we depressives, 'see the world with too many eyes.'  Whether it is our perception that is 'off,' or everyone else's seems far-fetched, by the definition of homoclite normality being that which populates the larger middle of a bell curve's standard deviation.  Or, is it just that "most" people do not have the requisite depth of vision and insight into how reality really is to notice it?
    The fact that a greater number of people (still apparently) hold one view, while a smaller subset perceive and hold another, does not, by itself, make one right, and another wrong.  Does it even really make one more likely?  When a majority of people believed the world was flat or that the sun revolved around the earth, that strength in numbers did not make the majority's beliefs about reality more likely or more true.  The opposite was in fact true.
    And, if one subscribes to the Apple ad about the "crazy ones," it has always been the mad ones of us who have expressed and had the courage to hold to our own visions, that have pushed the world forward.
    There's a studied phenomenon (though not studied enough) called depressive realism, where depressed individuals are shown, in testing, to have relatively superior ability to predict outcomes, albeit usually negative ones, than normal, well-adjusted or optimists, who tend, irrationally btw, to overestimate good results.  More needs to be studied, but my point, @JD4010, is that your perception of a malevolent universe, that some others do not see, has no greater chance of being inaccurate than the "normies'" belief contra.
  19. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to gandolfication in Today 3   
    I can't seem to function adequately to move forward toward getting a job or anything else that'll sustain our family.
    I have tried to navigate and make use of social safety net resources, but am not going to get far enough fast enough.
    This intense pressure to get on with the decision to control the terms under which I live and die, keeps mounting.
    Against it, stands 'only' my beloved kids.  (My wife and I have for some time, coexisted at best).  I love my daughters and son.  But increasingly, I am choosing to believe the lie (if it is a lie) that I'm not really any use to them, and in fact drag them down.
    Were I to leave, they would almost certainly get both life insurance and social security $.  Of course I know that is a preposterous trade-off and one they would never choose.  I understand the ethics of not having my own solipsistic choice given that I chose to and do have kids I am responsible for.  But there's no law against pain, and it only ever gets worse.
    I'm so f*cking tired of this miserable existence.  I feel like if there were a real devil, this kind of torturous system, is exactly what he would have set up.  Insidiously evil, cruel, unrelenting, and mirthful.  Back in 2008-9, when I was still clinging to Christianity, reading both psychology but also Christian books about things like spiritual warfare (yes, demons and angles and God), I was commuting every other week to a pastoral 'counselor' in Indiana.  I think his name came to me through some acquaintance of my mother's from her church.  He seemed okay, at least a good listener, sympathetic, non-judgmental (except of course for the underlying message about total depravity and that these things at least could be the result of unresolved sin in one's life).  Anyway, he encouraged, and I did read the Frank Peretti books about demonic and angelic warfare - what crap as literature or anything else, btw.  I had already read Lewis's Screwtape Letters, which I wasn't as impressed with as other Christians seemed to be.  I mean there was zero evidence, or as I saw it, reason to believe in this stuff, even as I maintained full commitment to the supernatural personal God.
    All of this to say, though, that just given the way depression is, and feels, and attacks every fiber of every aspect of one's person, I do see why it is given so easily to religionists believing that it is actually a spiritual, demonic attack by some sentient, invisible ghouls, literally hell-bent, on destroying the person. 
  20. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to CWe in Hey I'm new obviously   
    Hello everyone!
    Found this forum today and wanted to introduce myself... 🙂
  21. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to Logan Sims in Alone for another homecoming   
    Pretty much past the point of not showing my depression. People can see it in the way I walk and how quiet I am. I only talk about my feelings to a few people outside of this forum. I don't think I'd ever go to a men's forum. It sounds like I'd be asking to be called a *****.
  22. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to Logan Sims in Alone for another homecoming   
    I'm pretty sure I'm one of the biggest outcasts at my school. I don't know why I even try to live anymore. I'm literally a useless waste of space.
  23. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to sober4life in Alone for another homecoming   
    I never went to a dance.  I was the biggest outcast in school.  My whole life has been like being bigfoot in every room.  My whole life has been garbage.
  24. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to Logan Sims in Alone for another homecoming   
    At this point I'm not even sure if there really is a fun part. I hate my life plain and simple. Everytime I'm honest with my parents they make me feel bad or don't say anything to help at all. I don't know why I try anymore. Elementary school was awful, middle school was awful, high school was awful. In all honesty, my entire life has been a cesspool of anger, frustration, and sadness. I'm a junior. I still have this year and next year. It honestly feels never-ending. I'm not like most people. Because to be honest. Almost nothing makes me happy. I've been miserable since I lost my grandfather almost 8 years ago. But the one thing that brought me some genuine happiness over those years, was having a romantic and intimate relationship with someone I could actually connect with. But nothing else keeps me happy. And on top of everything, I have a huge fear of nuclear war which seems like it could start any year with tensions with North Korea and the middle east. So sometimes I wonder what the point of making progress is if I wind up being blown away like everyone else when the world goes to war for the last time. I'm honestly in such a deep pit. Nothing can really help. I just wish I had the strength to end my life so I didn't have to live through any more of this...
  25. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to Logan Sims in Alone for another homecoming   
    It doesn't take a genius to take one look at me and notice that lady love has not been kind to me in the slightest. I asked two girls out last week and I got rejected by both of them. Everyday is stressful and lonely to a point where I honestly wonder why I even live anymore. Suicidal thoughts go back and forth through my mind all the time anymore. Counseling hasn't helped. A helpline won't help. These things only postpone the inevitable. I'm gonna die alone anyways while I watch everyone else be happy with their significant other. My home school's principal came in and gave announcements about homecoming at the career center and it made an already awful week even worse. All in one month I have 9/11 to depress me ( I didn't lose anyone in 9/11, but it's anniversary makes me feel horrible all the same), my grandpa died on the 20th in 2011 and I miss him like crazy, and now on top of all this shit, I have to think about how lonely and unsuccessful I am when it comes to finding a soulmate. Thanks a lot Mr. Principal... I was alone for the last homecoming too. Some people say that having a significant other is just the cherry on the top. For me it's a necessity because I feel so alone all the time. I have a few friends, but I don't really have a steady support group because my family can't really help even if they wanted to and the friends I do have will probably ditch them because I'm too depressing. I know it's hard for a girlfriend to deal with too, but I know for a fact I wouldn't be sad all the time if I had a girlfriend. I might even be happier, because lately the root of my sadness seems to be coming from being a single loser. If getting a girlfriend doesn't help and I'm still upset after that, I might as well just **** myself after she breaks up with me. Everyday I lie to my parents about how I had a good day at school. Nothing is good. I just put on a facade so I don't have to talk about it with my Mom, because she treats me like an idiot sometimes when I tell her what's bothering me. No offense to any of you here, but sometimes I wish I would just make my last post here and just stab, shoot, or hang myself. I'm really tired of life and the sadness it brings.
  • Create New...