idkusername465 reacted to twotone in Who would??
I care, I understand how brutal this illness can be leaving us bereft of hope at difficult times. It can leave us to 'struggle for life' and just doing enough to survive is admirable. For those of us unfortunate of us to experience this it's hard to use language to describe the extent or gravity of the suffering that is experienced.
I also agree with @iWantRope in that we must look after ourselves. Look from within, not paying too much attention to your thoughs but to the present moment.
idkusername465 reacted to jkd_sd in Who would??
I definitely care, too; and I agree with what others have already posted on this thread.
One (of many!) problem with depression is that it 'minimizes' your life -- motivation, enjoyment, self worth, etc. Many times I read a post here, feel strongly about it, and think I should respond to it; but don't. My thought to respond is followed immediately by other, negative thoughts -- they don't want to hear from me; what could I even contribute; I would only make things worse by anything I would say; etc. .... [Behold! The voice of depression.] I almost did not respond here but decided to tell why I almost did not.
I wish you love, support, and peace! Sorry I cannot do something more substantial.
idkusername465 reacted to el_zee in I can't seem to do anything
Hello everyone, I'm new here.
Since I lost my job on my birthday in 2018 I have been in a downward spiral. I have been numbing my pain with cigarettes, alcohol, weed and a healthy dose of shame. I have lost all self-confidence and have a difficult time doing even the simplest of things like brushing my teeth.
I still don't have a job and have no desire or motivation to get one. I feel like a failure, so why should I apply anyway? However not having a job is starting to affect me as I've used up all of my savings. My only options now is to go back to my parents house or freeload off my girlfriend.
I have four questions:
Why should we make our beds, only for them to get dirty again? Why should we try when we are bound to fail anyway? Why do we even have to work? Why do I spent all my days in the house doing nothing?
idkusername465 reacted to Dioxeon in Introduction
Hey, I just joined this forum.
I'm Mike (short for Michael), 21 years old, from Lebanon (the country). I was diagnosed with depression during my first year of high school, when my family deemed my behavior to have become dangerous enough to pay attention to. I was taken to a therapist, but eventually left - as he would spend most of our sessions texting his other patients on Whatsapp, rather than listening to me. He offered to send me to someone who could prescribe me Anti-depressants - but having seen what they'd done to my mother, I refused. My family didn't look for another therapist, as they were all very expensive, and they believed I could heal from depression, if I just tried.
And so, I ended up having to deal with my issues on my own. There is little to no help provided for people who struggle with depression, anxiety, or the like, where I live. It was bound to happen.
To my understanding, my depression was caused by a variety of things. One of the biggest ones being isolation. I grew up to have a drastically different mindset than most people in my country, which meant that I would never meet anyone I could (even remotely) get along with. I often struggle to communicate with others, even on a surface level, unless they live abroad (I find I get along best with Brits, and Canadians, among others). Unfortunately, people from other countries often don't want to have anything to do with me, because of my ethnicity - even online. So, I'm left with no one to interact with.
As you can imagine, I haven't gotten better.
So, I'm here, now. I am hoping I can be there for other people, if they need my help, or my support.
Thank you for reading.
I apologize for any mistakes.
idkusername465 reacted to Epictetus in Loose Skin
I am 65 years old and have both loose skin, thin skin and that kind of crepe paper texture skin that many elderly folks have.
I always feel like I am an 18 year old person. When I pass a mirror I am always a little surprised by what I see: "Wow, is that old fart me?" Yup. lol
idkusername465 reacted to koikoi in What if...
My friends who somehow knows how i feel like keep recommending me like finding a pro - help from a therapist or they're like "i'm here for you" bla bla bla bla. And like i'm so sick of hearing all the basic wiki-how:to-save-your-friend-from-suicidal-thoughts bullshit. Don't get me wrong, i like my friends and i know they mean it well, but...To be honest, i really regret telling them at the first place - no i actually hate the fact they know. Because somehow it seems so selfish from me, to just occupy their minds with my stuff. I hate the fact, i'm forcing them to think so hard what to write back, because i will never apreciate anything they would write. I just can help myself - everytime i hear/read/whatever some kind of emotional support from them, it makes me just angry and disgusted. But once again, i like my friends and i don't want to be mean to them. But, i don't believe there's anything they could do for me. Because what i realise - why nothing helps and why i will never go to a therapeut - is that i actually don't want to be saved. I don't want help. I just want to end it. I'm tired. Of trying. And my sick mind is convinced (yea i actually realise, how absurd this is and that it's not true at all), that if i'm not able to save myself (like by my own, without help) and deal with my problems alone, then my life is not worthed. My existence is worthless in that case. Because you can have so many people in your life or you can be a loner, but after all it's always just you. You have to live with yourself. And that's why, i don't believe some other help could...like help me. And you know, i tried. I think i feel like this ...i guess from the age of 15, in April i'll be 24. So..idk. I lost all my motivation, but i tried. My "sad" period always switch back to "normal" in quite a short time, but this time i think it got so much worse, because this time i have no mood switch anymore, i'm just sad like...2-3 months straight now. I'm not even longer able to "fake it", you know..before my family or co-workers, i'm not able to hide it, so they'll immediately know and keep asking like what's wrong and why i look like that. So anyway...i pick a deadline (pun not intended) for myself. By the end of the year 2020, if everything will still suck and i won't be able to acknowledge any change, i will finally do it. So this is my last try to save myself.
I'm sorry, i got carried away.
Back to my friends, any suggestion what to do with them? Because like i seriously don't want to be mean to them and i don't want to annoy them or ruin their lives with my permanent dark mood. But at the same time, as i said, i'm really not able to fake it anymore and i don't want to lie to them about my condition. Also if i actually will **** myself , i just want them to know - because they're mostly like...online friends you know and i think that the possibility they would think, that i stopped being friends with them or that i'm just ignoring them is worse than knowing that i'm actually dead. Even though i have some friends and some family members i don't...despise (?) which i like, there's no single person in my life, for who i would like to survive. Or live for...i mean like, there's nobody who can change my mind. I know it sounds kinda shitty. I'm actually really sorry about that and i wish i could have someone like that in my life, someone who i will love so much, but i just don't and i just don't feel it. But all of this doesn't mean, i want to hurt them.
Ok, so...this text is probably very confusing, i'm trying to focus, but it's hard for me lately. So i try to sum up everything:
I wanna die and i don't want to be helped.
I just want to deal with that by myself.
I don't want to hurt anyone, but i don't know how to stop to be selfish and mean.
So this is it, i quess. Thanks for the possibility to share.
PS: for grammar nazi, i'm sorry..there's probably like tons of mistakes, not a native speaker, but i tried.
idkusername465 reacted to TrytoFly in Lithium Side Effects: Numerous and Crazy!
I started Lithium a few months ago and it was a nightmare. I had slurred speech, loss of appetite, trembling hands and diarrhea. I also had some drooling too. I explained these symptoms to my Pdoc and he lowered my dose. I went online later and read that these were symptoms of Lithium toxicity and that it is easy to have a toxic dosage or overdose on Lithium because everyone reacts so differently to it that different doses are effective or lead to toxicity in those for whom it is prescribed. Ultimately after two more downward adjustments in dosage the symptoms went away entirely. I guess the Lithium is working because I don’t have any manic symptoms at the moment. I post this to see if others have had similar experiences and to provide testimony in case others are in a bad place with symptoms for Lithium: they are treatable just tell your pdoc!
idkusername465 reacted to BrainRot in New to FLU dude.
I saw a doctor for the first time in 19 years. I was so depressed and checked out that I answered honestly to the questionaire about self harm that the was given to me before seeing the doctor.
Big mistake. My doctor called crisis planning. I spent most of the time on the phone answering suicide questions and scheduling a meeting with a counselor. I know she was doing her job but I felt betrayed.
Anyway, the doctor put me on 10mg prozac. Today is day 3. I'm really hoping this helps but I'm assuming it won't. My depression is worse than anyone I know and 10mg probably won't even make a dent.
Time will tell.
idkusername465 reacted to Tid322 in My weekend
I’m sorry you feel lonely. Depression is very isolating. It’s exceptionally hard to go back to the mundane chore of life. Especially after such a lovely time. But I’m glad you got to experience that brief camaraderie and happiness. It is good to know that there are still these genuine souls in the world, yourself and that community.
I don’t know if numbness is good, but it sure helps to get through the monotonous functions of every day life. It’s my belief that is sometimes the best thing. Fake it until you make it? I’m glad you are able to express with sincerity here.
idkusername465 reacted to Shijima in My weekend
It's a very good you shared your feelings with someone. Even if it's on here and it's a place you trust as well the people on it. So good for you and never feel bad about sharing what you need to anyone. Keeping it in any feelings you have will do more harm I know from experience sadly. So I think so far being on here people won't mind you letting it all out in my view on it anyway. I apologize if all that didn't make much sense. I'm not very good conversing with others.
I also apologize as well I don't know anything about how jobs really work since my only ever job when I was 22-23 went really bad for me and I got to learn how jobs really are and not on TV or movies. It's very nice your work place does that event and it makes you happy as well all of them it seems like. The feeling you fell after it's over I guess you just got to try YOUR best and hang in there. My life is not like anyone's my age and I always feel pretty horrible about it.
However I know deep down I should be grateful as well thankful I'm still here and have all my support from my family, family friends and my help team. Even though how society is today saying you should have lots friends, a partner, kids, a job, a car, a house. To fit in or be this normal in society. Then if you don't have any of those things your weird, bad for it and thus people judge you because of it. For me I know what I can do and can't. Though I do MY best each and every day even though my life as yours or anyone's can be very hard. Perhaps even unfair as well.
All you can do is do YOUR best and try to help yourself as well seek help from your family and friends who love and care for you. If however you have no good support I hope you can find some soon. Sometimes even pushing yourself to find it will help you in the end. Yes, it can be very scary even hard but I know you can do it. Things do get better and will for you as well others who suffer from tough situations. Perhaps there own mental health issues too.
YOU just got to do YOUR best and stay strong and take day little by little. It's not easy nor anything is when it comes to life, the real world. However If I can do you and certainly people on here as well too. You sure can as well just try your best. True, I don't know what your life is like and again I apologize if this is bad advice or encouragement. I just wanted to try and maybe help or let you know things will work out. Support and having others is important to anyone's journey to recovery of the life they want and it to be, full of happiness and peace once again.
I hope this maybe makes sense again I'm terrible at conversations with others. I also hope things get better for you as well. Please take care and try and stay strong. It will get better for you as everyone else as well. YOU have to fight as well to be where you want.
idkusername465 reacted to Lorax in My weekend
Every year at the place I work we host a weekend gathering for the deaf community. It is, by far, the most enjoyable thing we do. I see how happy they are to be around and support each other. I am always surprised(happily) when one of them seems genuinely happy to see me and makes a showing letting me know.
Then always when it's over I start to feel this sense of loneliness wash over me because I know I don't have anything even remotely like that in my life. Back to my regular, isolated, monotonous life where I just trudge on getting through the days.
I know this is just a cycle where it's at its worst right now and will get easier. Back to where it's more of a numbness where I don't feel much of anything. Not that that's good, but at least I am functioning.
I just needed to let this out, than you to whoever made it to the end.
idkusername465 reacted to adamrparr in Self-Sabotage & Self-Harm
I have a really long history of self-sabotage, in numerous areas of my life. I’ve never engaged in self-harm in the more traditional sense; physically damage, etc.
I really wonder, though... is what I’ve done not just another form of self-harm? Seems like I’ve done a lot of this because I think I’ve deserved it, whether I realized it at the time or not.
Floundering tonight & I definitely need some feedback on this. Thanks in advance, folks.
idkusername465 reacted to jkd_sd in Social Media and Depression
I agree but am not sure how to put it into words. Social media and the internet seems to be sorta "fake life on steroids". (You will need to 'read between the lines' regarding that phrase. I was trying for the feeling, not an exact description.)
idkusername465 reacted to JessiesMom in Social Media and Depression
It is all about how you use it. I do not follow so called "influencers" and (with the exception of places like DF) I tend to "like" mostly people that I know or have known IRL. A good friend of mine went totally off Facebook a while back and challenged me to do the same. I went off for a few weeks, and it was a horribly depressing few weeks. I realized that we were getting different things from the platform. He was looking to make new connections and found better luck on places like discord and second life. I was looking to keep in touch with people I did not get the chance to see often or at all. In my normal life, I see and interact with mostly my co-workers, a few close friends (like him) and my immediate family. The platform allowed me to interact with my extended family, friends from a church I no longer go to and even people like my Grandparents former exchange student who lives in Austrilia (wow, bad spelling). For him it felt isolating and for me it was connecting.
In short, if social media makes you feel worse - give it a pass. If it makes you feel better, don't.