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idkusername465

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  1. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to quentin360 for a status update, Hello everyone it's been a while since I've been on here. I've had highs and lows but   
    Hello everyone it's been a while since I've been on here. I've had highs and lows but mostly lows over the past months and it's just a vicious cycle that I hate so much. I'm still getting out of the house and doing what I can to help others which is always good therapy but not so much here lately. I never really got a sense of reward or a sense of positive feelings from helping others but at least I had something to do with my time. Don't feel too much like writing this but I thought I would let some of you know I'm still alive. Today I stayed home instead of going to the hand of hope ministry and I always regret when I don't go. I found that when it comes to a decision of either/or like a 50-50 decision that I always make the wrong one 50% of the time actually I mean 95% of the time. My vision has got so worse that I really cannot read the print on here unless I really enlarge it and then it still difficult. The prevailing ball on my mind fairly much at all times is how much I want to die and be done with it, life as it is. I don't want this but it stays in my thoughts. I mean I do want to die I guess I just don't want to miss anything if anything was to happen to better my mental status. The neuromuscular disease that I have has gotten worse and I find myself falling often and I'll be damned to be in a wheelchair and I don't know what to do about that. When I walk I'm scared all the time that I'm going to trip and fall. And if I were to break my leg or have to go into a wheelchair I've really screwed up that I don't have anybody that would be willing to take care of me that is helped take care of me because I burn too many bridges. I just tell my therapist what I think she wants to hear because it's just gotten old going in there and knowing that I feel like I'm still just a screwed up in the head as I was when I first started going. I become very close with my pastor and I don't want to let him down so that keeps me from being completely honest with him about how I really feel. Besides all he would want to do is pray for me and so far betting help one bit. Perhaps I need to spend more time here because I feel like I can talk about these things and nobodies going to judge me. It's really an oxymoron, as much as I want to die, I still want to live and that's all hope everyone is well.
  2. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to gandolfication for a status update, Thanks to all. I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in   
    Thanks to all.
    I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in recent days.
    I have been sleeping a lot, and took a sick day from work yesterday.  I reached out to some people today, and just now wrote out about 2 pages of CBT negative thoughts, errors and corrections.
    I'm just having trouble pushing through the fear.  I keep thinking, sui * ide is better than fighting through this again.  It's very hard for me to spot the fallacy here, or to fully believe there is one.  'This too will pass' just doesn't seem to cut it, because 'this too will also come back,' as it has now with vengeance.
    To be clear:  I am not at immediate risk, lacking access to means as I do presently.  I'm just feeling increasingly desperate, hopeless and unable to cope.  this has always been what this forum is here to share. 
    I suppose if I could waive a wand and have one thing, it would be a break, but there is not one to be had.  There must be a better way to handle this than I did last time in 2008.  I guess it would entail going to my boss, and ... ?saying/asking for a break?  how does that go?  That's the one thing I have to bargain with - I can do this work, d*mn it!
    thx.
  3. Sad
    idkusername465 reacted to Jalen for a status update, hi, im doing okay, im hurting really bad and im really messed up on a lot of substanc   
    hi, im doing okay, im hurting really bad and im really messed up on a lot of substances, so im sorry. ill be fine,
    i really do love every one of you
     
  4. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Jalen for a status update, Hey, just want to let all of you know I'm okay but I probably won't be able to get ba   
    Hey, just want to let all of you know I'm okay but I probably won't be able to get back on these forums for a very long time.
    Love you all,
    -Jalen
  5. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to maxedgrace for a status update, Made a cake...now I feel blah   
    Made a cake...now I feel blah
  6. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Jalen for a status update, Sorry I haven't been on much, got a lot of sh!t going on right now. Not dead yet, gue   
    Sorry I haven't been on much, got a lot of sh!t going on right now.
    Not dead yet, guess that's good.
    Hope you all are doing okay.
  7. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Jalen for a status update, Just want to let you know I'm okay.   
    Just want to let you know I'm okay.
  8. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to quentin360 for a status update, Hello all my wonderful and supportive frinds, I truly do hope and prat that you all a   
    Hello all my wonderful and supportive frinds, I truly do hope and prat that you all are well or at least doing the best that you can. First, please let me say, this forum and all the people in it, are/is the best group of folks that I have had the honor of being a part of, I consider this to be a "real", safe and very supportive place to talk about our problems. You will never catch me saying that about any other community that I am in online. I have been helped through some really hard times by people on here and I am not planning on going anywhere. I just have got to slow down a bit with all the things I have put on myself, on the internet. So I may go days without a word, but please know that I am fine and don't worry. ALSO to my good friend Jalen, keep your chin up and just do the best that you can. I will get with you maybe Saturday...Thanks Everyone...your friend alwauys, Quentin...
    PS: I still, for some reason, can't get on the forum through Google???
  9. Like
    idkusername465 got a reaction from Jalen for a status update, I'm feeling horribly irritable, angry, and shaky. I feel like a crazy person right no   
    I'm feeling horribly irritable, angry, and shaky. I feel like a crazy person right now! 
  10. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to Jalen for a status update, Hope all of you are okay...sorry I haven't been on much recently.   
    Hope all of you are okay...sorry I haven't been on much recently.
  11. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to quentin360 for a status update, I wanted to give a status update as well. This is what a FB friend of mine, which I k   
    I wanted to give a status update as well. This is what a FB friend of mine, which I know, but have not gotten to really know yet, she lives here in Cordele as well...She posted this yesterday...(My door is always open, the coffee pan is always on and my sofa is always warm and a place of peace and non-judgement. Any of my family and friends who need to chat are welcome anytime . It's no good suffering in silence. I have cold drinks and food in the fridge...tea & coffee in the cupboard and I will always be here. ...You are never not welcome!!
    Blue Monday is a name given to a day in January (typically the third Monday of the month) reported to be the most depressing day of the year and January the worst month for suicides, it's always good to talk but even better to listen. This hits closer to home than we think. I'll always lend an ear and a shoulder.......and my heart.)
    What is so sad about this, is that i live right next door to her and her family, about a 50 foot walk, and although she has invited me to come over many times, I am ashamed that I have not done so. They do have parties on the weekend, where there is drinking, and I have told her that I can not be around that. But she still asks me to come over during the week if I want to, she is a very good person and great mother to her two kids. I can go be around 40 or 50 fellow recovering addicts, but I have not been able to bring myself to walk next door where I know I am very welcome. This post of hers has made me realize that I have to try harder to go visit her. I don't have to be here all the time, wallowing in my own self-pity, I have a neighbor willing to listen and talk to me...what do you guys think about this?...your friend Quentin...
     

  12. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to gandolfication for a status update, It's 2017. We survived 2016! Here's to hope and change in the new year.   
    It's 2017.  We survived 2016!  Here's to hope and change in the new year.
  13. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to gandolfication for a status update, Trying to survive.... not sure why...instinct or programming probably. Should I ask a   
    Trying to survive.... not sure why...instinct or programming probably.
     
    Should I ask and try to analyze what is going on in my thought process when I procrastinate and avoid work in favor of other things? (mainly the ever available Internet)?  Or should I simply focus on working to improve and change the behavior, regardless of the causes? One answer is to stop thinking about it and go back and do or continue the next ranked priority on my to-do list.  This answer carries with it, the implication of 'who cares' what the causes are, the solution never changes.  And who cares if it is harder now than it used to be.   
     
    Progress must be made incrementally, daily and even moment by moment.   
    This takes guts.  Of course instantly, the fear crops up, questioning whether I can do this or really even have much chance to, as I surely feel I do not.  The lessons of therapy again tell me, 'so what?'  So what if it seems impossible – that's basically the core definition of the disease.  And whether I ever understand the root causes or not, I absolutely can understand that I am self-sabotaging myself and that hard as it seems, I have the ability to change.  This thing is large, and it is a deep problem, but the road to recovery runs through doing little things in the now. 
    The depressed soul wants to get back to whole terra firma in one fell swoop, since all it can focus on is what it has lost, and the pain and regret of this.   This won't do of course, as it isn't how life works.  But progress can be made, and even recovery can be attained.  You, you, this person writing this has overcome real, substantial obstacles and adversity before.  I can do it again with new challenges, that seem tougher and to come from every side at once.  I have the determination actually, and the fortitude, the character to do it, even if it requires some truly radical new strategies and practicing ways of doing it.  It seems daunting if not impossible.  It seems like a con, with no real light.  It doesn't seem either possible or worth it.  But this is the lie. 
    My head hurts and feels like it is swimming all the time.  This, I must remember and believe, is not my fault. I did not ask for this, seek it or choose it.  It came from various places, some from behavior, some from circumstances, and some probably from genes.  Anyhow, I believe—against all feeling—that I am capable of beating it.  I can't let it have the last laugh (even though I feel like giving in completely).  I don’t know if this is the last gasp from a dying soul, or the battle cry of someone about to take another swing. 
     
    I'm just struggling to move forward the next step.  Anything that is even remotely challenging or uncomfortable (which is mostly everything), I'm struggling to get myself to do.  I keep losing steam.  I have no idea what to do. How to proceed, or how to live with myself this way.  I just feel like saying **** it.  What's the use.  I'm exhausted.  Time for coffee.  I don't want to drink it, but I had better or I'm going to fall asleep.  Life sucks.  Has for years.  Maybe the parts with the kids are good.  Selfishness my well be involved here, but I just can't stand how I feel, all of the time.  If I could just walk over and jump off the balcony, all this awful pain would cease.  All would be over.  Blessed nothingness.  I crave it because conscious existence is so odious and awful.  It is really amazing that we have the capacity to feel this badly, let alone to feel this badly and keep living, continue existing, when stopping this pain is so easy, and can be foolproof.  It is a wonder that myself or anyone holds on.  It is a wonder that more people don't exit stage left.
  14. Like
    idkusername465 reacted to allalone6 for a status update, Happy Birthday!   
    Happy Birthday! 
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