idkusername465

Your comment made me think of this quote: "It is not seen as insane when a fighter, under an attack that will inevitable lead to his death, chooses to take his own life first. In fact, this act has been encouraged for centuries, and is accepted even now as an honorable reason to do the deed. How is it any different when you are under attack by your own mind?" ~ Emilie Autumn, The Aslyum for Wayward Victorian Girls

As someone who is fairly young (25 years old) I will chime in with my opinion on this one. I know some of you look at me and think "What are you complaining about? You REALLY do have you whole life ahead of you! I wish I was your age again!" And to be honest you wouldn't be completely wrong. But all I can see is the sheer impossibility of the task ahead of me. Continuing to live life and striving to be the best version of yourself while knowing all too well you are woefully inadequate. I cannot construct a future in my mind where I am even remotely successful in the next 5 - 10 years. I think in the end, darkness will swallow me up and I'll end up taking my life. People tell me I'm smart, people tell me I'm kind. I can see that I have potential, but thats all that it is, potential. It will probably never be realized. Without drive, passion, a strong work ethic, or just a general desire to succeed, you won't be able to get anywhere in life. And I lack all those qualities. I seem to be listlessly walking through life hoping some miracle brings about some type of inner change in me. Something that changes my view on life. But this magical event won't ever come. This actually raises the question, what does it mean to be whatever you want to be when you don't actually want "to be" anything? The question itself presupposes that every person is endowed with this inner desire to be or do something. When it is pretty obvious to me that not every one has that inside of them. Ahhh, I've rambled long enough...

No thank you for continuing to follow my journey and being an active member of this thread. I woudn't keep posting to this thread if it wasn't for people like you who provide me with amazing feedback and support!

Well my main supervisor wasn't there on Wednesday so I didn't really have to answer to anyone about my absence. There were a few coworkers who I talk to that noticed I was gone but they just told me "Welcome Back!" and didn't really ask me anything about it. So basically it was just a normal work day. My main supervisor should be back on Monday but she'll probably forget I was even gone last Tuesday given the fact that Thanksgiving and Black Friday just passed and most people's minds are occupied with that.

I f****d up today and didn't show up for my internship. I didn't even bother to call and say I was gonna be out like I knew I was suppose to. When I woke up this morning I was so tired I just turned off my alarm and went back to sleep. How do you guys get up for work day after day, week after week, month after month? It seems like I can keep it together for a while but then I'll eventually have days like this where I just won't be able to get up. It just doesn't seem to be sustainable. *sigh* hopefully I won't get into too much trouble when I go in tomorrow.

Sorry you're having such a rough time Devlinkyla. Why don't your kids want to see you anymore?

Good on you for getting things done. After I force myself to get things done I usually feel better afterwards

The thing thats even worse for me is I can never try those meds because my insurance refuses to pay for anything that isn't old and already has a generic version.

Hopefully this long reply makes up for how long I went without updating this thread. I love this thread and all the people who have taken their time to reply and give me advice or just shared the fact that they have gone through similar struggles. I will continue to post updates on my life for as long as you guys continue to read them. If you've read through everything I wrote I appreciate you for taking the time to do so.

(PART 2) My supervisor and all my coworkers are pretty nice people. I haven't had any problems with anyone and everyone seems to like me. Let's talk a little bit about my depression. I wake up pretty much everyday in a horrible mood. I think it's usually a mix of depression, fatigue, anger, and some suicidal ideation thrown in there for good measure. I think it's a consequence of the medication I take at night (Seroquel) which helps me sleep but it doesn't wear off in time for me to wake up peacefully. I have tried to go to bed really early to try and help mitigate this but no matter how early I go to bed I still wake up feeling terrible. Changing meds really isn't an option because before I started taking this medication I had really bad insomnia which can be a very destabilizing, and devastating force on your mood that just absolutely wreaks havoc. Seroquel has single-handily eliminated my insomnia and that is no small feat. Lowering the dose is also not an option because it has slowly been losing it's effectiveness and even at the dose I am now it's getting harder for me to go to sleep at night, a lower dose would make that even worse. I guess thinking about it now a change in medications may eventually be necessary but I've been on so many medications at this point I'm not sure I could find something that will work. Aside from the mornings I do find myself thinking about death a lot more. I know in the past few months I have made a lot of changes in my life to help improve myself, but I can't help but think how pointless everything I'm doing is. All of this work for what? I don't think I'll be any happier with a decent job and some money in my pocket. I've even made some friends in the past couple of months. I haven't had friends in years. Even that doesn't seem to be enough. My life has completely changed in the past couple of months with this program I am, but it still feels like nothing has really changed. I can still feel the depression underneath the surface, waiting, biding it's time until it can resurface and take control again. Every now and then (especially in the mornings) it shows me its grotesque and hideous form, and reminds me of its power, it's dominance, it's... near omnipotence. And when I shudder in fear, it goes back in its hole, satisfied with itself.

Hey guys, sorry it's been so long since I've provided an update on my situation. I could say I've been busy but the truth is I just haven't felt like typing up a long update on how my life is going. So as you all know I've started an internship through a program that helps individuals with disabilities find and maintain employment. The first part of the program involved approximately 300 hours of classroom instruction where we were taught clerical skills such as typing, filing, and some Microsoft office. I finished that part at the end of September. The second part of this program involves an unpaid internship experience that's about 250 hours long. The purpose of the internship is to provide some real life work experience for us to put on our resumes and just help prepare for the real world of having an actual job. I'm interning at a place that helps people of a lower income enroll in school, care for their children, maintain employment and a bunch of other services. The people in my office work with clients to help meet their needs and provide one of the before mentioned services. My responsibilities however are quite different from everyone else in the office. I do not work directly with any clients. Instead my main responsibility is to take the paperwork and documents filled out by our clients and our staff, scan them and then upload them onto our paperless data system. It's essentially a way to convert all paperwork into a paperless online archive. It’s called scanning and indexing. This is my main responsibility and it is what I do for the vast majority of my time in the office. To say this is boring, tedious, and repetitive would be an understatement. It's extremely dull work and after a while it really makes me question the usefulness of my internship in terms of preparing me for a real job. My current responsibilities are so limited that I wonder how well I would be prepared for an actual clerical position at another location. It's also the kind of mind numbing work that makes me question what I'm doing with my life and whether or not there’s any point to any of what I'm doing. I am also responsible for maintaining and updating a few different spreadsheets with various amounts of information. Basically a few of my coworkers email me information occasionally that I am suppose to add to a spreadsheet that I submit on a weekly basis. This work is a welcome reprieve from the mind-numbingly boring scanning and indexing that I mostly do for hours and hours on end. Maintaining spreadsheets is fairly straightforward and easy so I don't have to many complaints about it.

My internship starts tomorrow so wish me luck!

I think it would be really healthy to eliminate people from your life who you feel don't reciprocate your love and affection and only drain your energy.

The interview went well. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I think I answered all the questions thoroughly and sufficiently. I will have another interview with the person who will be my actual supervisor later this week. I think this interview will be a little more intense.

I have an interview on Monday for my internship. Hopefully it goes well.