idkusername465

Gandolf, I've read many of your post over the years, and I've always admired your steadfastness in the face of chronic and sometimes crippling depression. Despite your struggles you always seem to keep pushing through and I've always admired that about you. You might not realize it but I've definitely noticed. I think you're able to verbalize a lot of what many of us feel when battling this illness and I feel your posts portray the ups and downs of the recovery process. With that being said I'm interested in the idea of "saving oneself." I hear this a lot. And to be honest I don't really know what it means. How does one "save themselves"? I will agree that we all have an ability to positively influence our lives through our actions and behaviors. And I think with depression its particularly important to remember this given how it can reduce someone to hopelessness. So yes there are a number of healthy coping mechanisms that can help with depression. But isn't that what many of us have already been doing? Haven't many of us who have been fighting mental illness for many years tried the most popular and widely suggested "solutions"? What more is there? The implication seems to be there's something extra to be done. As if you must make some sort of internal breakthrough. And this is where things get nebulous. Because I'm not sure what that even means. Its similar to when people talk about forgiveness, or acceptance, or something similar to that. You can talk to people and they can try to help you see things in a different light, but ultimately that's a process that has to happen inside you. It's something internal. But I've never really understood what this "process" was or what it entails. It always just seems so uncertain. I don't know what any of it means. What it actually means. Or how to achieve it. Haven't you already tried grounding techniques, practicing mindfulness, etc? Haven't you already tried a myriad of techniques that have proven to be moderately helpful at best, and woefully inadequate at worst? At what point should you stop blaming yourself for things not working out? Where is the line between personal responsibility and uncontrollable external circumstance? Where does one begin and the other end? I really don't mean to sound negative or try to suggest that you shouldn't be doing these things. You absolutely should and I commend you for doing so. I need to start employing more of these techniques in my own life lol I just see a lot of the same cycles in myself and a lot of other people on the forums. At first there's a commitment to getting better, and a greater focus on positive thoughts and behaviors. Within a few months they're at a another breaking point. And then the process repeats all over again. I just don't understand what the point of any of it is. There's so many people on this forum who have been desperately trying to get better your years and have seen little to no results. At a certain point I'm not sure it's up the individual. Yes people should be doing all they can to better there lives. Yes people should exhaust every resource to get better. But at a certain point things just are what they are. I apologize if I came off as negative, I really wasn't trying to be. Your post just sparked a few ideas in my head I'm hoping things get better for you!

I resumed my workouts this morning after not doing them for a few days

I did some pushups, squats, and planks this morning. I try to do it every other day.

I've been thinking about getting a treadmill. Hopefully there's a sale on black Friday.

I've been feeling good the past week or so

I like what you said here. Its interesting to think about.

I use to use sleeping pills in the past but I've found that they lose effectiveness after a while

I'm feeling like crap and I can't sleep

I just don't want to be alive anymore

I feel like I only have a handful of dreams every month or so. I very rarely ever have dreams. I find people interesting who say they dream daily!

I'm stuck in a unproductive cycle and I don't know how to break out

I can definitely relate. I've been waiting for something to happen for the past 10 years. In the meantime I've been slowing wasting away.

No I'm not back in school. Not much else has been going on lately. My life is pretty much the same

My day was going well... and then suddenly it wasn't. It's crazy how your mood can shift so quickly.

My day wasn't very productive