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octopus_pancake

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  1. I literally have maybe 1 or 2 people in my life outside of my mother and brother. My grandma died a year ago on June 1st and the few family members we had either went their own way or don't bother to converse with us anymore, well considering how horribly my family is thats a good thing really. But now I feel alone and single and I hate it to death. I've already posted here my "lifes story" and it sucks. I just hate the fact that the ONLY 2 friends I have in my life are a married couple that I barely see, or talk to at this point. If I don't call them they don't really call me and I really REALLY hate having to be the one to call them. Plus they aren't really the best of friends to be perfectly honest. They are ok to hang out with, except they live like an hour away and I just don't have the motivation to want to drive an hour just to see them for a couple of hours and drive all the way back and be stuck at home by myself alone again. Ever since the last woman screwed me over I haven't really had women in my life. I tried online dating sites mainly because the area I live in is so horribly boring, shopping malls and eateries and it's just boring and no fun by myself, that I end up just sitting at home alone. On top of that there are literally no women in my area that meet my search criteria on these stupid websites. I message women I get no messages back I literally am pulling my hair out in utter frustration no one wants to be with me and I do not understand why it's always so difficult. I mean I'm 37 and I've ALWAYS had issues with meeting women even back in my earlier days. But for crying out loud I'm so agitated and pacing back and forth constantly because it's like the more I try the harder it is to accept that I get NOTHING. The only thing I want is a girlfriend. I've heard it before though "You don't need a relationship to make you happy you need to love yourself and make yourself happy first". Well guess what, even my therapist agree's that I need someone in my life. I'm 1000% better when I have someone in my life that I can take care of and be around and that makes me happy. But when I can't find anyone at all, and no one wants to talk online.
  2. I've been seeing therapists all my life not just as a young child/teen. I've seen them for better part of 10 some years now on and off.
  3. I'm 36, I've lived with depression for 10+ years. I've been through so many therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and yet my life just feels like its getting worse and worse. I rarely date, I'm home alone all the time, I don't have local friends so I don't go anywhere. I can't hold a job, hell I can't even find one through a voc rehab system. I feel like I want to cry all the time. I'm not suicidal but I can't stand living. The pain is so unbearable sometimes I just want to pull my hair out. All I can think about is wanting a companion, even though I probably can't handle it and probably never will. I honestly wish God would hurry up and take me off this rock of course I know God doesn't work that way. I'm a christian so I pray and pray and nothing. There is no one to date in my area. I go out and the second I see a woman or a couple I am immediatly in severe depression. I actually want to be emotionally numb so I never have to feel anything. I'd rather not feel anything than all this pain and misery. I truly want to give up so badly I don't even know what I'm holding on to. I can't sleep at night and have to take several naps during the day. Thankfully I have my video games and my anime and stuff otherwise I'd probably just sleep all day. This really sucks -_- So ya, I guess I should go through a little of my hell that is my life: At the age of 3 I was diagnosed with ADHD, and as you might guess from then on I have been in special ed programs, countless therapists, medicine etc... My family had no idea how to deal with me. My school life was horrible, I had no friends in school, was always picked on, always failing etc... After highschool I tried college but never finished cause I couldn't stay focused long enough to complete my work and I would end up leaving class and wound up in the computer labs. I had a few jobs here and there but never lasted very long. Eventually my family applied for disability which I recieved back in 2000ish. I haven't really had a job since. I sit in my room playing video games all day because it's the only thing I am interested in really and I have no desire to go out or do anything. My family has treated me like garbage my whole life. My grandma: She was a tyrannical matriarch and we just did NOT get along. She would give you things, or help you with something but ther ewas ALWAYS a red string attached she would pull whenever she needed to remind us that she gave us this or did this for "our" benefit but would always end up being to HER benefit. I was put in a private school which my grandma paid for. I was an outcast and it was a disaster. To make things worse whenever kids would pick on me, and when I say pick on I mean in REALLY bad ways. Once a girl took a book and smacked me in the back of the head for absolutely no reason while we were waiting for class to begin and the teacher to come into the room. Not a single person asked if I was ok or confronted the girl nothing nope. After my school life she helped me get on disability cause I couldn't hold a job and they finally realized I had a series of legitimate mental issues. She ended up being my payee so I was only given so much money to work with a month. Now mind you I'm like in my early 20's when this is going on. About 2003-04 I was forced to go live with my uncle till about 2006 when he moved into my grandma's house which is several houses down from my house. my grandma and step-grandfather ended up living in our downstairs where me and a friend of the family had been living. So I had to live upstairs with my mother and brother in a 2 bedroom upstairs house. Needless to say it was very uncomfortable and ackward. In 2007 my step-grandfather died and my brother was asked to take care of my grandma, since he has a passive personality it was easy for them to use him that way. From 2007-2016 he took care of her. She died June 1st of this year, but up till then he was literally taking care of her, he moved downstairs in like 2011 in my step-grandfathers old room so he could be closer to my grandma. Anyway when my grandma had her massive heartattack in dec 2014 it was a mess. We all took care of her, I had a mini breakdown where I had to step back in which my uncle gave me all sorts of hell because "I wasn't pulling my weight". My uncle: He is THE single most biggest a****** I have ever met. So as I stated above I was forced to live with my uncle. He was in jail for dealing drugs and got out early, his wife left him and they needed me to be there cause he was under house arrest and I didn't have a job so I was the perfect candidate to help him out. It was ok for awhile I had my own floor, was a 3 floor house he built himself. I didn't interact with him all that much only when he needed groceries or help with stuff. Eventually he sold the house and I went back home. He ended up living in my grandmothers house. He is a very verbally abusive person. If me and my grandma got into fights, he would come over and threaten to "pound me to pud" leaving me scared and intimidated. He has even physically assaulted me before. One thanksgiving I had taken a nap and was woken when dinner was ready. It was me, my brother, mother, uncle, cousin and his girlfriend. Me and my cousin were talking about dating when my uncle butts into the conversation and started yelling at me cause I didn't want to wear a suit. So backing up a bit, that day we were going to go to church that weekend, I hated going to that particular church because I was always forced to go as a child and it was all sit stand sit stand, and me having ADHD and restlessness I couldn't sit still. Anyway I hate wearing suits, so I told my grandma I didn't want to wear a suit that I had another outfit to wear. Well she threw a fit we ended up fighting and she locked herself in her bedroom refusing to join us for dinner. So back to my uncle, he starts yelling at me cause I wasn't doing what my grandmother wanted, well I because I was still out of it from my nap I put my hand up and said "could you just shut up about the suit already jeez". He got so angry he jumped up flew over to me grabbed me by the shirt dragged me into my room threw me on my bed jumped on top of me pinning me between my headboard and the mattress and him, and started beating me. My after my cousin yelled at him to get off me he got off. I called the cops but nothign came of it. Ever since then it was always back and forth between me and him. He threatening me with stupid like having me committed and I retaliated with getting him thrown back in prison. It was not fun for me. My mother: My mother, what can I say. She's a ditzy airhead that can't make a decision to save her life unless it involves, she's stolen from me, she had one of our late cats put to sleep without telling us or letting us see her for one last time it was horrible. I mourned for 3 days straight I couldn't sleep all I could do was cry my heart out. So Misty, our 16 year old cat at the time, had developed hyperthyroidism and well it was difficult because my mother refused to deal with it. My brother was too busy taking care of my grandmother at the time so it left to me and my mother. Well I ended up having to give the shots and things and I wanted her to help. So I made her an ultimatum, which I only used to get her to see that she needed to help take care of the Misty instead of just give excuses and put it all on me. Well I basically said she needed to take care of her or put her to sleep. I didn't actually think my mother would do this. Not only did she put her to sleep, she didn't tell us did it behind our backs, paid the money dumped the cat on the counter and left. Not even saying goodbye herself she got in the car and I find out she immediatly regretted doing it. It broke me. Even now as I'm writing this I'm crying. I don't want to talk about my mother anymore right now I'm too upset. So just this last april I put my other cat to sleep which was a very hard decision to make. But she had diabetes and it was just costing too much and she was peeing everywhere and it was just a mess. All this while my grandma is sick so not only am I helping to take care of my grandma, I made the hard decision to put my cat to sleep. And then of course June 1st my grandma passed so I've had a really rough year this year. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Theres so much more to my story but I just am too tired of reliving the pain to write more right now.
  4. I don't sleep right. I have partial insomnia. Mostly due to my grandma being sick for the last 8 monthes. She had a heartattack last dec. 24th. Every since then she has needed to be taken care of. She wormed her way into our home many years ago with her husband, my step grandfather, and when my step grandfather died my brother got designated to take care of her full time. Lets just say it's been hellish stress since not just for me but it's been particularly hard on me due to my issues. What doesn't help is my mother has alot of similar issues to me and we don't get along. I don't want to get into what my mother has done to me but she's done some nasty ###### to me. Anyway: 1: my eating habits are atrocious, I do not sleep well, I get 0 exercise. I have 0 motivation at all. I don't even bath right. I sometimes go weeks without bathing cause I'm so depressed. 2: I've been seeing therapists since I was 3 years old. I don't trust them. Far as anything goes I don't trust anyone around me. My own family is the worst. I have no friends either and the 2 "friends" I had don't even contact me anymore 3. Due to my ADHD as wel as physical restlessness anything I do is like a overyl difficult chore and annoying and boring and etc... etc... 4. Once again due to my grandmother needing care a goal plan goes out the window. 5. read #4 i'm currently waiting to see a psychiatrist. I don't harbor much hope as i've been on many different medications, most I can't even remember then name to. The physical restlesness gets so bad, I get so agitated, irritated and nervous being around people outside of my room/comfort zone, that I don't even bother going out anymore unless I need something. Most of the time I only eat one big meal a day. My family doesn't understand me, and so I feel alone trapped and vulnerable. PS. forgot to mention I've been like this for over 10 years now. Things have just degraded so far that I feel like life is meaningless and I have no purpose in life. I can't stand dealing with the pain and I don't want to remain alive. I don't harbor thoughts of suicide but I can't stand living either.
  5. I just can't get past my slump. I've had alot, ALOT, of issues. I've lived a pretty s***ty life. I failed college, nearly failed highschool, can't hold a job, no friends, no relationships, family/home life is horrible. Things just seem to continuously get worse. Fear overwhelms me, no one understands my situation they "say" they do, but then turn around and screw me over. People don't have patience. On top I'm a Christian and people give me for not following their Christian advice, put your faith solely on God. But when you feel overwhelmed with anything and everything you do, how do you deal with it? I can't even IDENTIFY some of the feelings I have. I've tried putting it in God's hands. I've tried getting a job, lasted 3 days last year. I have less and less drive, less motivation and it just keeps getting worse. I hate living I really do, now don't get me wrong I'm against suicide and WILL NOT CONDONE IT IN ANY FORM. Thank that solely on my belief in Christianity. But I can't stand living, my philosophy in life is, You're born life sucks and you die. I suck at everything I try to do. I play video games all the time, I suck at them. I tried getting a job, I sucked at it no matter how long I was on the job. I can't stand it. I can't stand people turning their back on me. Physical/mental/emotional abuse every since I was born. All I can remember is people screwing me over. Family, friends, strangers, teachers, students. I can't put it out of my head. i relive alot of it in dreams, and everytime someone gives me even slightly. No one wants to stick around and it hurts so bad I can't even put it in words. Pretty sad, my therapist says my fight-or-flight brain is permanently swtiched on. So when someone even remotely hints at anything, I take it as they are out to get me. Not so much in a paranoia type way, but I fully anticipate them to screw me over. I go into overanalyzation mode and I catch myself doing it ALOT. I mean some guy could look at me funny, and IMMEDIATLY I'm thinking he's out to get me in some way, and I go through entire scenarios in my head usually ending in me cursing him out or physical confrontation. I hate it, it's driving me nuts. I honestly feel like i'm going to go through my entire life like this. Single, alone, treated like garbage all the time. This sucks.
  6. I happen to notice the christian bit in your name so here is my help. I don't know what your faith is, but recently I have been having alot of issues and failings and someone mentioned to me a bible verse that seems to help in dire times: Phillipians 4:13 "I can do anything through CHRIST who strengthens me"
  7. Well a minor update. About a week ago they released her from the hospital and she's in a nursing rehabilitation center. She's weak and whatnot but for now she's ok. Still hard on all of us seeing her like that. And it breaks my heart when she sits there saying she's dying, not to forget her etc... I mean first off, me and her have had so many fights how could I forget her :P. She's a very influential woman mind you, at 91 she was dancing, she's danced all her life but man I've never seen anyone her age dancing like she did. So much spunk for such a person, but seeing her the way she is just very hard to watch. However I must remain strong, now isn't the time for tears. I need to be as strong as I possibly can.
  8. Thank you for the thoughts. Sadly we don't know how long she will last, she has massive blockage in her heart, while they put 4 stents in we just don't know anything. They haven't really been saying anything along the lines of how long they expect her to be able to put up the good fight. I don't know if she will last another whole year I do believe she will last a few monthes. And with a little luck she won't be affected too much, with her daily needs and whatnot. I just hope she will be able to do a bit of dancing with her group of friends. If not i would like it at least if she could get out there a few more times etc... I mean at the rate she's getting better, she might be out of the hospital by next monday. Crossing fingers :).
  9. ... bit hard to talk about, but my grandma had a heartattack a few days ago and has been in the hospital. We are making due but I'm drained, exhausted and trying to my damnedest to hold myself together. I just want to vent right now cause I'm upset. Well not so much upset than worried this might be my grandma's last christmas. As of writing this I'm fighting back tears so I remain strong. I can't break down just yet. There will be a time and place for this but I cannot while she's in the hospital. On the plus side she's doing much better since she was recieved. The relationship between me and my family is very, tense I guess you can say. We fight alot, me and my grandma butt heads alot, of course I feel bad now and all that, but I love my grandma very much. I hate seeing her this weak, this is a 91 year old woman who dances every other tuesday, one of THE strongest people I've ever met. She's fighting and D***it as long as she's fighting I'm going to remain strong. I have to. Anyway I hope everyone else is having a very merry christmas, don't let depression get you down, if you are alone, remember you are never alone. The Good Lord is always with you and He loves you and is there for everyone, just call on Him!
  10. Well I slept, I just woke up but I feel like crap. I guess my mother came home from her little trip to the lake with her boyfriend while I was sleeping, and she's still asleep so I don't know how that meeting is giong to go. I'm very upset with her. She hurt me BAD friday
  11. Well hopefully tonight I can rest I'm going to take some melatonin to see if it helps.
  12. I finally had a talk with my mother about this whol emess, She goes "I didn't realize till after I got rid of the cat how your cat [meaning our other cat] would miss her". My mother didn't stop to think at all how bad this would affect me.
  13. We have another... It's like 8 years old my aunt told me I shouldn't get another but I think I want to simply because I can't seem to be without 2 cats at least I just need to rest right now I haven't slept at all I am physically emotionally and mentally fatiqued to the point of collapse. I can't eat, I can't sleep and I don't understand why its hitting me this hard. I have to feel she's in a MUCH better place than I right now, and I mean I'm getting this worked up over my cat, while all kinds of crap is happening on the other side of the world... I don't feel it's fair, yet I can't help being this upset. At this point I just want this to STOP. I want to sleep -_-
  14. After nearly 18 hours after she killed my cat, I haven't slept at all I havn't stopped crying, I can't eat I feel like Im about to collapse at any moment. My mother hurt me in a way I don't know if I can recover. I can NEVER forgive her for what she did yesturday. I'm so depressed and upset I can't put it into words... I feel sick to my stomach
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