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Barry Blue

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About Barry Blue

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  1. I completely relate to how your feel. America is a country where your entire self worth is based on how much cash is in your checking account and how you contribute to the market. We will allow children to go hungry and homeless because of some BS "Personal responsibility." We worship worthless people like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian...We will go up in arms into a near civil war over gun rights but not basic healthcare and a living wage. I hate this country to be honest with you. I hate how stupid and anti-intellectual we are.We have millions who have been brainwashed to believe that anyone can be rich in this country, so the dummies vote against their interests in mass.
  2. I am not on meds or therapy at the moment. I've been involved in both since about 1991. Not only do I have suicidal thoughts sometimes (never to the point of an actual plan) I have random homicidal thoughts as well. I'm at my college for example, and I just had this random thought about shooting and ******* the various people I walked by for no reason. I have thoughts of torture as well. That's my thought process on a daily basis from when I wake up to when I sleep...Negativity. I have no real social structure....
  3. I hate being dull and unattractive, and I hate the fact that I can't fit in socially with people. Any particular reason why I shouldn't just check out?
  4. You probably need to change your medication asap....Certain antidepressants for certain people can trigger suicidal thoughts. I've been there. See your therapist and tell her what is going on.
  5. I feel powerless dealing with it...I'm considering "herbal" remedies for stress/anxiety...I need to build a support structure of other people who are just as looney as I am :)
  6. I don't even know where to start...I'm 34 years old and since my mother isn't dead yet, I feel obligated to join my family for thanksgiving. I get along ok with my mom, but I have a lot of resentment for her emotional distance over the years. I have two sisters who do not talk to me, an aunt I hardly know and her kids whom I don't really know....This family really does not make an effort to keep in touch with eachother....Especially me...So why would I waste my time coming down for two days out of the year to pretend that we are? I realize I have zero self esteem and confidence....Is all this a desperate "look at me and coddle me!" thing or is this something legitimate? Maybe they don't want to interact with me because I'm miserable? I want that family connection which I feel doesn't exist in this family and the holidays are just a BS Charade as a result...
  7. Rainingviolets, if my sister told me that, I would tell her to f*** off and probably would never speak to her again. She sounds like my sister, whom I refuse to talk to. I can't understand why you would do that to yourself except a desperate need for approval. Not trying to put you down at all by the way, it's just strange. It proves you're the bigger woman...A lot more compassion than I would certainly give. Mark250, I would like to think that I'm not influenced by media....I don't watch TV anymore and haven't really for years. I draw upon personal experience I think....
  8. Well yea, who doesn't like looking at hot people. I'd like to improve my image somehow, but not sure how to do that....I think I've just accepted the fact that I'm probably going to be alone for my life and not going to be anyone other than the person in the back of the crowd.
  9. I am pretty sure it is because of my deep seated lens in which I see myself. That I am worthless, unlikable, and gross. Sometimes I look at other couples and think: Gee, wish I had the ability to relate to women that I can have that.
  10. I just see attractive people being more accepted into social and work situations than their less attractive counterparts. While Brad Pitt is dumber than a box of rocks....He is a really good looking guy and therefore will get by on that. I guess maybe I am too hard on myself sometimes...But I've had women tell me I was gross...It also doesn't help that I have no real interests, no real social skills, and zero self esteem and confidence.
  11. And people who are able to fit in socially with others...I can't seem to do that. I'm taking a leadership class at my university, and I can't seem to take charge. This makes me look like "That guy"....The one who doesn't want to take part or contribute. I am tired of having to explain myself to people who do not understand. This has lead to a lot of major depression over the years, and it's clear that I missed out on some serious social development in my past that I fear I will never be able to get now at the age of 34. I wish I was both good looking and socially better off, easier to make friends and date...You know, normal adult activities.
  12. I really can't stand her. She is extremely narcissistic, selfish, and thinks she is the centerpiece of the universe. I find this trait commen with a lot of girls who are attractive, they are usually completely nuts. She is nice to me at some times, but horrible at others. She is 19 or 20 and I'm 34...I know, I probably shouldn't let it get to me, but the way she talks to me and my mother makes me angry. She really pulled some s*** on my mom that was not ok, and since she is a sucker, she let her back in again. Luckily she will be moving to California and I won't have to deal with her anymore. I have been wanting to drop her a FB message to school her, but haven't yet. This is just a rant, because I don't know where else to rant.
  13. I always get a little angry with people who say things like this. That the answer to depression is to just "get over it and cheer up." It's usually said by people who are completely ignorant about mental illness(not that I'm saying that that's you). If I could just get over it, why have I been dealing with this for almost 20 years? So to answer your question, the answer is no.
  14. I did absolutely nothing all day except fill my time watching movies, listening to the radio, and floating around in the black hole that is Facebook. I've been doing this more and more lately. Even though I have two college classes with one project due June first, I can't seem to get myself motivated. I need to work on finding an apartment to live in by September at the latest so I can go to Portland State this fall. Then there is job hunting. I feel it's pointless here in this small rinkey dink town of 4400 people. There was a Phlebotomy job that opened, but I haven't applied because I figure that I will be moving in a few months so what is the point. Yet, I am depressed because I didn't take advantage of this anyway. I've also been feeling extremely isolated lately, and find myself entertaining th ideal of checking out. Although I have no serious plans to do so. I feel like I am unable to handle the basic responsibilities of the average adult. My sisters are all moving along in life and hear I am sti8ll at home.
  15. Thanks for the advice. I suppose I just need to be easier on myself. A lot of it could be because of my ADD wiring in my brain.
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