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Posts posted by Saros

  1. Has anyone else experienced this side effect?

    I started venlafaxine 5 or 6 weeks ago. The week I started, I had an amazing number of hypnic jerks while falling asleep. That went away, no worry. Sometime in week 2, I started having sort of hypnic jerk while wide awake during the day. All my muscles from calf to shoulders simultaneously spasm and I briefly stiffen like a piece of lumber. It only lasts a moment. They were uncommon at start.

    Very slowly upping the dose and fast forward to this week. I have a series of several spasms in a cluster, maybe over the course of an hour, and three to five (-ish) clusters a day. I think its getting worse. I've spilled my drinks a few times among other things. In the middle of a cluster right now and has made me mash a few keys. Kind of avoiding driving...

    Was planning on getting up to 150mg next week, but I don't know. My psychiatrist is currently out of town (she's back in a week), so I wondered if anyone else has experienced this side effect?

    Thanks for taking the time read.

  2. Do I contradict myself?

    Very well then I contradict myself,

    (I am large, I contain multitudes)

    -WW ~1855

    Everyone has selfish thoughts, and generous thoughts. We aren't wholly one thing or another. Having a selfish thought doesn't make you selfish - it makes you complicated (i.e. human). We are all conflicting and dynamically interacting thoughts and feelings. I've had selfish black thoughts that would curl toes. But they do not define me so long as I can still choose how I will act from this point forward.

    No insight or advice about the depression, suicidal thoughts or family dynamics, just offering a random thought.

  3. Last night I heard a "weightless" voice behind me, on my right side. Given it's wispy tone, I intuitively knew it wasn't real. I tried replicating it using imaginary voices in my head and couldn't get close to that sense of physical separation from the sound's point of origin.

    Anyway, anyone had these emerge after several years of recurrent major depressive episodes? I'm mid-30s, and this is new to me, obviously.

    Alternatively, I suppose it could be medication-related. I added venlafaxine to my meds about 3 weeks ago.


  4. My memory has really taken a plunge. Depression is neurotoxic to the hippocampus, if I am to believe my psych. That's her counter-argument to my concerns over potential memory loss caused by ECT.

    I guess that is it then. I am no pre-occupied with my own obsessive thoughts that sometimes I don't fully LISTEN to my spouse. It really really hurts her feelings, so I really want to try to be better at listening to her.

    Depression can also simply cause an inexplicable inability to focus and concentrate, as is my case.

  5. Ideally, the first appointment you'll talk about what you're feeling, you get a sense of how the pdoc would approach hte situation, and then you both evaluate whether it is a good fit or not. I have qualities I consider important in a pdoc and as time goes by you might want to build your own list. Some psychs like psychotherapy, some psychodynamics, psychoanalysis, behavioral therapy, etc. Some are very supportive, some are very clinical. Some push meds, some don't.

    My very first eval was either 2 or 3 hours, and I was prescribed a med at the conclusion of the visit. The pdoc tried to determine what to first try based on the narrative I told her. So be completely honest with yours.

    Best of luck, kayl.

  6. To be fair, he does state that we don't consciously choose to "rebel", and while "rebel" is a poor choice of words, I didn't interpret that he was saying depression was generally an excuse. Instead, it seems he stated that much depression is a side-effect of American culture, which might have a kernel of truth for some. It is disappointing he failed to contrast with depression that might originate in biology, or be caused by trauma in no way relating to work, etc. A significant omission on his part that doesn't do us any favors.

    I'd have to agree with him that depression is probably diagnosed in some people that are just having a funk, but on the flip I'm sure there are people who have depression and aren't diagnosed (who don't or can't seek help), which he also failed to mention.

    I think pathologization of "normal" human behavior does take place, as the DSM considers me to have a schizoid personality disorder. Myself, current pdoc, and prior agree I don't need to be cured of it. Looking at the DSM criteria for depression, I could imagine my peers being diagnosed with depression while they're just blue over a job experience. I don't have any problem with that - I think that's where the pdoc has to think critically and not just use a checklist. I imagine the writers of the DSM were more concerned about errors of omission in qualifications for depression than errors of inclusion. Better to cast a wide net and then have the pdoc take a closer look. I don't know how or to what degree other pdocs (beyond my own) merit or look beyond DSM criteria.

  7. Augmenting 450mg bupropion.

    Week 1 @ 37.5mg - On day 7 I noticed my jaw muscles were inexplicably tired after eating a few potato chips, first thing I ate that day, late in the afternoon.

    Week 2 @ 75.0mg - Jaw is exhausted and rear molars are hurting and sensitive (even raisins hurt), decreasing throughout the day after getting up.

    I have never experienced this before and have just begun to wonder if I'm grinding my teeth or clenching my jaw at night.

    Has anyone else on DF experienced this? Did it go away? Have to go pick up remainder of my prescription at pharmacy today and will regret paying for it if I have to drop it later because s/e.

  8. Having witnessed firsthand the effects of suicide, I can say that the potential devastation and loss it can cause are unpredictable, incredibly deep and generally lifelong. A response to that hurt that includes anger just shows us that we are human. I am not trying to justify anyone's opinion, but just pointing out that such an emotionally charged event will cause more emotions in its wake.

    We cope with it in the manner we can. That may include labels. One person will be gone and will not feel anything, including relief from their pain, and will not have the opportunity for hindsight to judge whether it was a sound decision or not. For those with ties to the person who hurts himself, they will be left with unresolvable questions and feelings. Whether those events inspire some combination of anger, sadness or something else are up to those left behind, but any and all emotions could be expected given the severity of the situation.

    There are those who would wish to help people facing that struggle because, first and foremost, they are concerned with human welfare. An old friend of mine used to volunteer on a suicide hotline, and she did so because she had struggled with her own demons and had empathy for those in similar situations. She became a therapist not to take a paycheck, but foremost to help people when they can no longer help themselves. I have another old friend who became a doctor because above all she wanted to help people. As for other old associates, they may not have gone into service to the public health, but a conversation one-on-one shows us we are all human and, while we don't have the exact same experience, by degrees we can empathize with one another. I know it can be difficult when feeling so misunderstood, but please don't write off the majority of people as an antagonistic, inhumane public. We're all part of the public, too.

  9. this is a good idea. I like some of the first posted and will probably build a small little list of small little things. My psychiatrist has been struggling along with me in finding weekly goals that I don't fail to achieve and then suffer disappointment and setback. We're just trying for a consistent sleep cycle and a little sunlight everyday at this point.

    brush teeth daily is a good place to start

    so frustrating when you struggle with the basics, and nevermind a good day, you just want a "normal" day and can't get close to it. So much self-disappointment.

  10. Your graduate committee should help you think out some of those problems. I don't know about your school, but my committee was interdisciplinary with ties to different aspects of the field. I would like to believe they could dispense guidance on "cracking into your ideal career", as you say.

    As for the rest, we all want the good things to happen right now, and if they don't we're pretty quick to engage in self-recrimination and have a heavy bias towards what we feel are our faults. Setting that aside for a moment, I'm sure that given your time spent in the lab, you have a valuable skill set that you shouldn't ignore - so don't sell yourself short. I can make an easy list of my failures, but I didn't realize all my positives until someone else told some of them to me. I worked rather lowly jobs (sometimes very lowly) for many years before I was competitive enough to start to break into what I considered the ideal job market. I didn't fill in all the gaps in my resume at any one place.

    It's great you have supportive parents. Don't worry about leaning on them if they want to help you. The transition from academic to professional can take a little time.

  11. Gand, that sounds terrible, and I can empathize with you. I had to quit my job, with benefits, because depression just became too strong. I couldn't take care of myself, much less file for cobra (I have unopened mail from years ago), so I've not had insurance or an income this year and have had to pay for all my visits to the psychiatrist and meds out of pocket.

    It's expensive, and I'm going to have to ration mental health services out starting next week, if not cut it completely. Not sure what I'll do, and I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. I get anxiety thinking about the conversation I'll have with private insurance, should I ever manage to apply.

    I don't understand the process, and don't know what to anticipate. If I apply for coverage tomorrow, when would coverage start? If there are no records of my mental illness, would it be covered sooner? My psychiatrist hasn't released records to anyone. I don't know what my pharmacy has done. I did not start with the psychiatrist and meds until after I quit my job. Am I committing fraud by not disclosing the pre-existing condition?

  12. If you're comfortable with evolution, gossip can be viewed as a means of monitoring the quality of and maintaining the cohesion of large social groups, and increases social bonding. With the internet, it's been grossly exaggerated. Anyway, I believe that is the ultimate cause, while the proximate causes are the immediate reflexive and reciprocal emotions of satisfaction by the gossipers. Of course, just because a thing occurs "naturally" does not mean that it is proper or good, especially for a thinking animal that is capable of empathy. If I were to try and dissuade this behavior, I would suggest exercises that demonstrate the satisfaction from gossip is outweighed by the potential emotional hurt it can put on other people.

    How to actually deal with it? Honestly, if someone says something poor about me behind my back, I have no qualms placing them in the ranks of people who's opinions are not worth my time or energy, and there the buck stops. I don't engage in any popular social media. I think I've winnowed my friends down to those who don't truck in such things, or at least care enough about their friends to temper whatever is the current hulabaloo. It's had to be a comparatively small group I've called friends. I do have schizoid tendencies, so social disinterest comes a bit quickly/easily to me - so I can imagine the advice "don't care it" is not realistic for some.

    Sometimes, gossip can have consequences, and then I do not ignore. I had an experience in a job where a significant decision I made was portrayed incorrectly. It was a decision that was not flattering to my manager, who explained it to upper management in a way that shifted all responsibility onto me, and away from themselves. The manager knew why I made the decision, I had explained it many times over in an earnest, level-headed effort (whether it penetrated the veil of narcissism, I cannot know). I then went to all my peers, upper management, and Human Resources individually, and explained very clearly and calmly the reasons for my decision. Confront, confront, confront, but never in anger or spite. It was a validating experience. Everyone likes the horses' mouth. It did no favors for my relationship with said manager, for which I was perfectly apathetic, so no great harm. I imagine confronting these things head on in the work place could create tension in some people's professional lives, though.

  13. Maybe relating to dopamine (bupropion):

    I've been struggling with a case of anhedonia that has effectively ended my career and taken away my hobbies, to say the least. My psychiatrist believes, as do I, that it is at least partially organic in origin, a case where dysthymia slipped into MDD, and we haven't been able to identify any potential environmental stressor.

    That being said: I had a very short-lived positive reaction (strong positive and negative emotions) to bupropion each time I started it and increased dosage. Shortly after going to 450mg, I had a brief window (1 day) where my interest and enthusiasm in a particular hobby crept back in. It felt great. It's gone now, though.

  14. ...

    Do any of you find with your depression and other mental health problems find it harder to pray ?


    I'm also not a Muslim, but thought I could offer some support anyway. When I'm my most depressed I have a difficult time with everything, even taking proper care of myself. I want to do nothing. I feel like I can do nothing. I feel empty.

    When I lived (for a brief period) in a predominately Muslim town, I heard the Muezzin several times daily. I can't say how an orthodox Muslim would respond to your post. But I can say as that someone who also gets depressed, I know it would be very hard for me to respond to all the prayer calls. I sympathize with you as best as I can.

    How would you counsel someone who had a obvious physical handicap and was physically unable to act faithfully at all times? I would offer that you might counsel yourself in the same manner.


  15. A good friend should understand why you cut them off. If you can send your friends an email to explain your behaviour and express your regret at not having them in your life, I imagine the best ones will be more than happy to bring you back into the fold.

    That's a bit naive thinking....no offense, i know you meant well.

    Even the best friend gets fed up with constant isolation periods over the years, especially if they repeat themselves...and mine do.

    I don't think it's naïve, but ideologically optimistic. These days, the only person I really see and talk to is my psychiatrist. That being said, two of my old friends were glad to hear from me after a long (Long) silence, and these days they understand and work around my fits. Honesty about my mental status really helped. Those folks are the best, I wish they were in pill form. The rest have mixed feelings, I guess. Who knows what they think.

  16. You know when you laugh "from your heart" you feel joyful maybe 'cuase something gets emoted into your nervous system, once i start feel that joy in a blink of an eye that joy gets depressed and i feel that i want to cry and feel depressed, that counter feeling lasts for 3 or 4 seconds then i feel "normal".


    P.S: When i get very sad and i want to cry i can't 'cause my tears and those feelings gets depressed inside me involuntarily.

    The first set of symptoms you describe sounds like a good candidate for therapy - one focused on teaching and training your brain not to react in the way it does. Your brain may have a learned behavior to dampen those feelings. Maybe a therapist who has some experience in cognitive behavioral training could help you. If you're interested, I would try and get a free consultation with a psych to decide if he or she could help you. Keep in mind I'm not a professional, and am only guessing.

    The second thing you described sounds like a common symptom of depression.

  17. Maegrimangel, nothing wrong about not being happy that someone doesn't understand you. Though I'd try not to stay angry at someone if they're reaching the wrong conclusion because they don't have enough or the correct information. Have you tried explaining exactly what you expect or need from them?

    I do like and identify with the comic you've mentioned, but I imagine it could be off-putting given how it paints people who are earnestly hoping you feel better.

    Epictetus made a somewhat relevant post here:



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