Jump to content


Advanced Member
  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won


Everything posted by Saros

  1. In the first few days after starting risperidone, I felt a markedly better response than to the prior SSRI/SNRI/NDRIs. A mental turmoil, anger and confusion is suddenly gone, some of which I didn't even notice until they were absent. Lucidity is up, concentration has improved, and, while I don't feel 100%, I definitely feel improvement. I feel like I'm having mild and long episodes of sobriety. It's the strangest thing. Still depressed, but can't believe how much confusion has evaporated. My thoughts are less disordered jumps and leaps between topics and ideas, and forming coherent, self-supporting thoughts is growing on me. No apparent negative side effects so far, aside from the sedation. In short, this is the first time I've felt hopeful about a med. The good has damped down since starting, but since I'm only on 1mg, I suspect we'll increase dosage soon. There has been a little concern about EPS and TD when I paired bupropion with venlafaxine. I started having body twitches, some severe enough to hurt, in episodic fits throughout the day. Stopped the venlafaxine and now I just have a few (1-2) very soft twitches every second or third night. But last night I had a fit of 5 or 6 (whole body, though mild enough not to cause muscle pain), then my arm jerked, then my leg jerked. I'm worried. I really, really don't want to have to give up this new medication. The thought makes me want to curl up and lie on the floor. Thinking about stopping colors my thoughts with self-harm.
  2. Patience and following your doctor's prescription, and then more patience. Sucks, I know. When I was having uncomfortable mental reactions to one drug, I would do something that typically engrossed me, and I'd put everything else on hold. I would abandon myself to the thing and hope for tunnel-vision to weather the storm. For me it included reverie over an area of research interest or some rogue-like pc game. Being able to slip into some other kind of zone outside of myself was helpful.
  3. Sunshine, welcome to the forums. I tried 450mg bupropion XL plus 20mg adderall (latter prescribed for depression rather than ADHD). Buproprion response was much milder than to adderall, and took longer to manifest and stabilize (...give it 2 months, or your doctor's recommendation). Neither of the drugs made me feel particularily motivated, but I did wash the dishes a few times and the bupropion got me off the floor, along with therapy. They're both dopaminergic, so I'd hazard your response will be subtle after having taken adderall for a few years. Combination didn't do enough for me to stick with it, but maybe it will for you.
  4. Sorry you've had such a rough time. Just wanted to pop in and offer that I think it's normal human behavior to judge other's lives in a more positive light than you view your own, and that tendency is exacerbated by depression. Lots of people who we think "have it together" are themselves struggling. Anecdotally, I have been offered several times last year that a third party in the work place was, in different permutations, impressed by how "together" I was, confident, competent, stoic, and independent I appeared. Behind the scenes, I was juggling opiates and alcohol and brooding on suicide and self harm on a daily basis. It's easy to fall into a rut of wanting that "thing" someone else has, and it increases depression. For me, this has been the case, anyway. Compariing myself to others was a terribly negative habit that's kept me down. Therapy has helped that a bit.
  5. Well that stinks you feel he's a bad fit. For what it's worth, I have to pay out-of-pocket for my psychiatrist appointments, and that gave me more choice in the matter. The way I chose them was by asking peers who had therapy "what's your psych like?". When someone described what I wanted, I got the phone number. Consulting peers is probably too revealing a strategy for most people, though. When it came time to change psychs, I asked for my current psych's recommendation selected from her peers, and that was considered over a few appointments. Recommendation based on what I wanted, mostly, but what she thought would be best for me too.
  6. Yes, a mental health specialist will be better than a primary care physician for these matters, all else being equal. In my experience, not typical. 15 minutes to assess and prescribe a new medication seems woefully insufficient, but maybe i'm naive and he's a flipping genius. I've managed to choose physicians that took the time to exchange information not just to his or her satisfaction, but moreoever to my own satisfaction. They're ok with therapy on my own time, but they want sufficient time with me regularly themselves because (in part) they've felt a lot of responsibility in prescribing anything affecting brain chemistry. So many factors can play a role in depression and there's so much information that can be gathered before shunting off a patient to tough out two months of trying a new med which may or may not be appropriate. Do you have follow-ups scheduled with him to assess the status of the medication?
  7. Welcome. No person has directly perceived or concluded the mechanism behind the varying manifestations of depression. Pharma would like you to believe it's a "chemical imbalance of this or that chemical", but no psychiatrist worth her salt will tell you the same. It could be wholly environmental, it could be entirely genetic, it's probably some combination of the two - in different degrees for every single person. Medication in the "chemical imbalance" game comes down to educated guesses. No such thing as "depression with no reason". Identifying the cause is the rub.
  8. Risperidone has had some positive effect the very first week. Too tired to summarize in justice right now, but has been the best medication I've tried so far for anhedonia, not to mention disordered thought process and confusion, agitation, angry (isn't the right word) energy, depression, etc. I wish I had tried an atypical sooner, but its been a pragmatic winnowing and it's good to know those other drugs are inappropriate for me. Yes, see my posts these last few pages. Increased focus, sure. No real effect on anhedonia. Was prescribed by my psychiatrist for off-label use. Ran out a week or whatever ago and decided in concert with psych not to get refilled. Results were similar to when I first started bupropion, and afterwards it seemed just a sugar pill that may have temporarily (fingers crossed) accelerated hair loss. But I've got the bald genes, so sooner or later anyway, whichever. edit: and i'm sure you're aware, but just in case - you can deplete your dopamine levels (or so I am told) by inappropriate use of adderall - which would be a step in the wrong direction. It might help you, it might be benign, it might be pretty bad. even if it does help, there are some questions as to whether it would be efficacious in the long-term. I've read that it is usually only a short-term solution when for off-label use.
  9. You'll have to rely on the recommendation of your mental health specialist for your specific circumstances. That being said, I stopped 300mg after a few months cold turkey, no problems, no objections from my psychiatrist. My psych has pointed out that bupropion can contraindicated by excessive anxiety, so it's a reason others have backed down to. I thought "therapeautic dose" varied very much from person to person, and there is no "200mg" rule.
  10. I took the 20mg adderall plus 450mg bupropion a few weeks longer, and no noticeable effect upon anhedonia. i did occasionally become very talkative and loud conversation, and increased my blood pressure and resting heart rate. MAOI route still on the batting lineup, but temporarily y on hold and just started risperidone. Not been diagnosed with either bipolar or schizophrenia (and don't expect to be). Hope those symptoms shared by schizophrenia and anhedonia are affected positively, but am taking based more on a "spray and pray" psychiatric philosophy. WELCOME to the forums, Prima. I've not the attention span to digest all of your post (sorry, my attention span is poor), but wanted to interject: I'm sorry the psychiatrists you've interacted with have been so unsupportive; those I've met with (only a few - so small sample size) accepted anhedonia as an identifier of depression, not something that must follow in the wake of depression. Don't accept a close-minded psychiatrist, if you can help it.
  11. Thanks, murph. Wish I knew how to think optimistically and constructively in a situation like yours. If you figure something out, please let me know. We could devalue each other's failures. In droves, we'll succeed at failing in quantity, thus flooding the market. Even with a wheelbarrow to accumulate failures, we won't even be able to buy bread - much less feel like a true faillionaire™. We can be an analogue of the Mormon's baptizing the dead. We'll meet, we'll organize, we'll take action. We'll fail in the names of everyone who refuses to accept failure, or never had the opportunity to fail, enough for everyone who ever existed. Then, when everyone is a failure, no one is a failure. ------- It's just so absurd. It's so absurd to labor over and fail trivial things. It's like all we have are forks, and everything is tomato soup. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ "What's the problem? If you're hungry, just stop complaining and eat your soup!" "Wait, where did you get that spoon? Where the **** was the line for spoons!?" (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ This is a joke, right?
  12. Saros

    A Chorus Line

    Dissolve is a verb I also think of. Sublimate, evaporate, fade away. All perfect. Each to let us become aether. You're really not alone, when socks and a dish can refute you. I hope there's solace in that, if only an iota. Hope you feel something better, and soon.
  13. Duck, thanks for your commiseration, truly. Depression is so isolating, a little goes a long way. I'm so tired of defining myself through failure. I feel as if every direction away from right-now has always been, and will forever be, a wall of dead-ends. I'm about to choke and suffocate on the cusp of every moment. I want to devastate and bring ruin to this thing that surrounds me. I want to scream, dig my fingernails in and claw my way to resolution, whether recovery or self-destruction. Recovery: try an augment of risperdal. I feel such cold feet. Tardive dyskinesia. On hold at the pharmacy. Self-destruction: I desperately want to make today a Leaving Las Vegas homage. On hand at the kitchen counter.
  14. Saros

    Feeling Down

    Duck, so I slept an hour last night before having to go meet the psychiatrist this morning, had a nasty big energy drink to weather the appointment, feeling especially loquacious an hour later. Here comes a long (sorry!) comment. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Hope any family and other peers are managing. I would be angry at management, whether they were a definite trigger or not. The fact that the possibility even exists, and is whispered - I would be furious and standing at management's desk. I'm feeling a bit livid now. But maybe I just find irritation and anger satisfying for the sake of feeling something. Anyway, you're clearly not in a healthy workplace, and there seems to be a lot written between your lines. I would encourage a peer of mine in a similar position to seriously consider, review, and pursue other opportunities, if they can muster the mental wherewithal to proceed. Can be tough when depressed. Don't give up on good people and management in the workplace (in general - maybe give up on the current workplace). I have had jobs where employees are treated equitably. In my experience (thus heavily biased), the higher the discrepancy between an employee's and boss' pay (and boss's boss, and so on), and the more face time a company has with a client, the worse the treatment of everyone lower on the totem pole will be. Had much better jobs (and better relations) where everyone sinks or swims together (more or less), and no one needs to take credit or shift blame. Hope you can bootstrap yourself up out of it. "...and you will laugh because I am the only guy there" Duck, that stands out as no reason to laugh, and a great reason to keep going. "I was thinking I should ask Nancy if I am making her feel uncomfortable?" I usually voice whatever I'm thinking (...eventually), for better or worse, because I get exhausted from having the interior debate with myself. But that's just me. There seems a fine line between making sure everything is cool between you and a friend - so you can both just shrug it off and blithely carry on, and actually making them more uncomfortable by pursuing the topic because they don't want to engage in the same manner of conversation. Seems like you're already kinda worrying over that, though.
  15. Not been in a good way at all lately. No longer med-confused, at least. Sleeping became more problematic and irregular. Getting up is worse. Not eaten in past few days. A shadow of my former self, pardon the cliché. Harmful thoughts are the status quo. Managed two showers this past week. Did not "enjoy" standing in shower, or being clean afterwards, any more than being un-showered. Ability to sense pain further reduced. is the sum of my life this week. no television or movies, no reading, no job, no music, no going outside, no cooking, bills not paid, no cleaning or laundry, no web-surfing, no tooth-brushing, nothing. I can't hang on to anything. Seems my life closed before it's close, to borrow from Emily. I just feel so hopeless.
  16. SW, I'm an agnostic atheist, so my views don't really line up with yours. That being said, if I were a theist, I believe I might reconcile the disparity and discomfort you describe by espousing the view that, to an infinite being, concepts such as "suffering" and "pleasure" don't have a significance comparable to those with an apparently finite life span - how could they mean anything to a universal, infinite existence? 50 years of suffering is meaningless next to an unbroken eternity. I would likely prescribe to the notion that an infinite-living soul could contain no meaning of suffering and pleasure either - these could only be observed through the illusion of a finite life. I.e., there are some things which you've got to be blind to see. Do you get where I'm going with this? "Life" as a means to experience the un-experiencable? I think I've seem some Christian mystics who resonate with the idea, and some less religious philosophies about life as a "the universe observing itself" phenomenon. I can't say how to reconcile that sort of philosophy with a stricter view of the Christian god (because I don't know really know any of the Bible), so I'll defer to the better informed on how it is possible or not. That's an interesting perspective, kind of theist-but-functional-atheist view. Reminds me of a story I wrote with a schoolmate back in high school. Someone wakes up one evening to find God shuffling at a desk in the room, absorbed in doing something else, ignoring (or not hearing) all supplication by the observer, and apparently not at all interested in people. There the story ended, with no obvious conclusion. Anyway, I don't think you need to abandon the things you'd prefer not to, as long as you can tolerate the dissonance, or weigh it favorably against the positives you receive in believing. As a disclaimer, my thoughts on the matter are poorly-formed, born mostly from being idle with little to no research. I'm ok with my thinking being dismissed out of hand as irrelevant, inappropriate, and uninformed.
  17. Townes Van Zandt was a country-folk "singer songwriter" who emerged in the late 60s. From an outside perspective he had a difficult life, including an early diagnosis of manic depression and a treatment of insulin shock therapy, erasing much of his long-term memory. He died in 1997 from health complications after a long struggle with the abuse of alcohol and smack. In the movie 'Be Here to Love Me', Steve Earle recalls a troubled story about Townes and a gun. On at least one occasion, Townes baited suicide. In the same movie, Guy Clark relates a story from Townes. That story is the reason behind this blog entry. When Townes was in the third grade, his teacher talked about the sun as one of many stars, and how all stars eventually burn out. Townes startled and, as told by Clark, said "-'scuse me? You telling me the sun's burning out? I gotta shine my shoes, be here on time, do my homework, sit up straight, and the ****in' sun's burning out?". Clark said he lived by these words: "Excuse me - the sun's burning out. **** this." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I don't have any logical reason to be depressed or to do anything destructive. I've lived with sunshine, socialization, stimulation, education, exercise, and a healthy diet. It's not enough. I've been so exhausted this week. I couldn't get up yesterday or today. Thanks to the laptop, I've been able to post a thought or three online, hoping to salvage some purpose in an otherwise meaningless day. I've stepped the bupropion down from 450mg to 300mg. Still taking amphetamines twice a day. Bupropion alone couldn't enable me to be active in recovery, and serotonergics didn't seem to be a good augment. I'll step down to 150mg soon, and then nothing, and then I'll try a new medication. But that's all future. Today I feel lucid. Grim. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My peers continue to move beyond where I plateaued in life. They're selling the first house and buying the next, having more kids, adopting kids, starting city-wide conventions, founding churches, receiving grants to work and research overseas. While the magnitude of their success stings, what bothers me most is that they decide on an objective, and then move towards it. That motion makes me jealous. I am so frustrated with wanting nothing, feeling nothing but exhaustion, apathy, isolation, and emptiness, and going nowhere. Lately I am giving more reflection to the constant background harassment of suicidal thoughts, and I feel like doing something about it. My psychiatrist wouldn't be thrilled, and she worries. One of her patients unexpectedly committed suicide, though he had seemed fine. I believe she understands that it was his choice, but who couldn't feel at least a shred of regret and guilt? I've watched a few lives implode after a suicide. I clearly remember the (to put it bluntly) tortured screams of a girlfriend when she first learned of her father's suicide. Remembering her voice is painful. I wonder if any of those deaths have deeply affected me. I volunteered in an emergency room for a while, where sometimes people would die, hopefully surrounded by family and loved ones; it wasn't a traumatic thing. I watched a family member of mine have a bad accident, go unconscious, and die a day later. I didn't get the worst of it, though. But things happen. There was only one girl I ever "fell in love with at first sight" - I was enamored the first day I met her. I still occasionally think about her. She was killed on the highway when, after stopping at a traffic jam, the semi driver behind her failed to notice, and collided into her vehicle with 10 tons of steel. I'm told she didn't die immediately, and, morbidly, I wonder if she was aware that her brother next to her had died on impact. I wasn't even the closest person to her. I can't imagine the pain of her family. And here I am, offering nothing and feeling nothing, drifting along from year to year. It's a perverse world. I had no connection to this man seemingly beaten to death by a crowd, during a job half a world away. It was unpleasant to look at. I cannot begin to wonder what kind of scars people pick up when caught within or sent into armed conflict. And so on. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I despise living this way. If we're defined by the lives we lead, then I'm undefined, or a story that concluded years ago. And I am failing, every day, to start redefining myself. I looked up Salvation Army online today, thinking if I can't work I should at least volunteer in their kitchen. But I feel more like stone each time I consider movement. And my motivation ends just as it begins. Tomorrow could be different. But tomorrow will probably be just like today. I began the entry with Townes because I keep thinking over and over: the sun's burning out. **** this. I don't know what that means to me. I feel so desperate.
  18. I'd like to believe that "coming clean" is less a sign of a tendency to be untruthful, and more in your growing ability to open up and get past the stigma of addiction. Don't be too hard on yourself. Sounds like hiding problems has been a coping mechanism for you; I don't think it would be fair to expect you to suddenly drop it and be someone else once you've made a decision to try and open up. The inner turmoil I've felt in hiding things about myself (whether to a therapist or peer) has so far released by opening up and being transparent. However, I haven't been able to be completely honest about everything in my life as of late - some things are a bit too close to the chest for me, and there's a worry over judgement, too. For me it's shades of grey, and I open up as I feel comfortable. Maybe in the future - but I don't feel the need to be WYSIWYG 100% of the time.
  19. usman36- Epictetus recently posted something similar(-ish) called 'cognitive flooding'. Though it seems the purpose is less to limit worries to dedicated parts of the day, and more to devalue the worry. Was considering trying it. http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/95737-stupid-fear-of-losing-my-mind-how-to-stop-obsessing-over-it/
  20. It was my impression that there simply weren't enough long-term studies to determine efficacy of the MAOIs and newer drugs at treating chronic depression, rather than a conclusion that effective treatments don't exist. Don't have anything at hand to support that impression... I'm not at all familiar with the field of psychology and psychiatry, current or historical, so I'd appreciate a PM with any relevant titles/abstracts/links. In my own field, I can say it seems most long-term studies never have a reliable funding to deliver on the questions investigated, while meta-analysis never seem to have a laudable level of statistical inference. I do feel some relief during and shortly after therapy, but I also have the nagging doubt that it may be the human interaction factor alone (mostly the arguments), rather than the application of a particular psychotherapeutic technique. Having worked in research within private industry, I can't believe we take any private agency's reports credibly when profit is at stake, or an agenda is present. Sad to say my professional peers agree.
  21. I have not, and I'm sorry to hear they're emerging for you. I wanted to post because I just finished a long article concerning extrapyramidal symptoms and long-term serotonergic use only fifteen minutes ago. I had cholinergic spasms while trying venlafaxine - I don't think it was comparable, but it got me interested to learn more. My impression was that the diagnostic was stepping down on or eliminating the potentially causative medication and watching for a remission of the symptoms - which seemed to vary greatly in individual case studies. I hope it gets better. It sounds like it can potentially be alarming and a significant source of anxiety.
  22. "Cranial electro stimulation" An unsolicited, glowing review from a new user endorsing a specific brand, listing a cost, and promising life-changing benefits and no downsides raises red flags. The OP may be genuine, but they've also managed to get the spam formula down, minus including a hyperlink to a specific retailer. edit: I'm particularly bad-tempered today. Hope the OP isn't an innocent bystander.
  23. Sorry it didn't work out, Sunshine. Hope your next round is a better fit.
  24. As an undergrad, I had some rough times like a lot of other students. They weren't exceptional problems, they were probably fundamental to everyone. I dipped, but came out ok. Had I used mental health as an illness I might have been abusing the system. As a grad student, I wish there had been greater awareness, outreach, and less stigma (even if the stigma was just my own). Things could have been improved, and I think a mental health "excuse" would have been well-timed. Were I an employee in university mental health services today, my first priority would be "are we reaching everyone who needs our help?". After that comes questions of "are students abusing the system?". I wish that priorization and the potential consequences of its subversion were more apparent.
  • Create New...