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Everything posted by Saros

  1. Sorry, I know I've been harping on therapy in some threads. And amusingly, I don't a have a ready answer for "what it is". For me, despite psychiatrists telling me "hmmm, looks like there may be a biological root to this depression" (maybe they are biased towards bio because of their pharma approach???), therapy has had some value in that it let's me explore different modes of cognition - how I view and deal with depression, despite its origin. (and it's an albeit expensive way for me to socialize out some topics I'd rather not discuss with the general public). Therapy has helped me organize some of my problems. For example, I've learned my definition of "anxiety" is too narrow, and that some of my experiences can be classified as anxiety. It doesn't fix my problem, but being able to put a label on things is helpful. 90 bucks a month for internet is outrageous!
  2. Please don't pee in my punch bowl, JD. I'm already haunted by the imagery. Aaaaanyway, if enough of us bah humbug, then bah humbug will be the normative behavior by virtue of its popularity. Or at the very least, when within a subset of humbugs, such as might occur here, humbug is already normative. You are among a cohort. edit: despite my robust talk, I actually do feel a bit lonesome with thanksgiving looming and no plans of my own. Humbugger it.
  3. Sounds very difficult, I might suggest looking into the defining criteria of co-dependency, as suggested by spiritsage, and how people deal with them. I don't have any idea myself. Just wanted to offer that some people here deal with different levels of psychopathy and still try and live a good life. Having one or more psychopathies doesn't make someone an invalid. And the post seems to describe psychosis, not psychopathy? Plenty of people here giving it a go despite psychoses, too. That being said, your brother does sound like he needs more help than you can give, and it's not a "fair" position you're put in. Hope you can find some way to move forward. edit: Maybe I'm being overly sensitive about language. I've started perusing the internet re: psychopathy and there's a lot I don't know. I am sensitive towards calling somone psychopathic or psychotic because of the perjorative application in common language. Maybe better is "diagnosed with psychotic features"? Anyway, I apologize for derailing the topic.
  4. I'm as much a grinch as the next person, and am skipping Thanksgiving altogether and will spend the day alone. But I like to keep in mind that the commercialization we all react negatively to doesn't apply to everyone. While there are families who heap on the pressure to make the day a "special family memory", the local Salvation Army has a full staff of volunteers to work the kitchens. Just trying to avoid a "me vs. them" perspective, which I think depressive personalities like mine can be vulnerable to. Though if I lived around family, I would certainly be in a bit darker mood.
  5. As far as I know, there's been no strong evidence that low serotonin levels cause depression (even though altering its levels may influence mood). There are some papers readily searched regarding serotonin versus risk-taking behavior and mood intensity. With that in mind, altering serotonin levels may only affect one of many proximate contributors to depression, without affecting the ultimate cause (if there is an ultimate cause). Or maybe serotonin is an ultimate factor. Point being, I think it's premature for anyone to be told they have a definciency of a neurotransmitter. Happy to be corrected if someone can point me to conflicting research.
  6. My strategy is not long-term since I'm unemployed, but I live well beneath my means. No smartphones, no data plans, no cable tv, no going out to eat (including fast food), eating very simple foods (nothing fancy), no unnecessary purchase of anything (no luxury purchases at all), no going out to movies or a bar. Entertainment requires using only the things I already possess. Cheap car, no driving around town, no traveling. No "regular" doctor visits, flu shots and the like, dental, etc etc. I cut my own hair. My furniture is all second hand. Laundry at the cheapo laundromat. Sometimes I wash something in the sink. I use little electricity and very little hot water each month. No pets. edit: fancy food includes any meat, usually. It's rice and beans over here. That's all that comes to mind immediately. Some pdocs have a sliding pay rate, based on income. I prefer to trap my psychiatrist's sympathies before asking about it.
  7. I like you guys. I'm like you. I've felt guilty about not missing people, funerals or otherwise. I have never missed my family, which seems to grieve them. My pdocs have been quick to throw out words like "schizoid", but I really like Epictetus' reference to Jung. I'd also point out that my pdocs agree that being "schizoid" is not something that needs to be "cured", and it's just a convenient label for those different from the supposed norm. Which is to say it's not necessarily unhealthy, or a problem needing to be solved. It's just a different point on the bell curve of human condition.
  8. As you describe it, it sounds like he acted in poor form. Maybe he's just been a jerk. I don't think there's a definite way to get over it quickly. In the meantime, I would be upset too. I would have to deal with it for a while, and then probably just let it go. Yes, your channel is not doing as well as it used to. Viewership has atrophied. But the channel will "fade away" only if you give up on it. I'm still uncertain - are you sticking with the channel because it's what you want to do, or because you feel obligated? Certainly, your language seems very happy in reminiscing the high points. Were you happy for the channel, or for the success?
  9. I don't know how often a person "should" think about suicide, but the rate you describe doesn't seem healthy. How long have you kept a journal, and why? It seems to me that suicidal thoughts written down are better than those that stay closed up. It's been suggested to me a few times to journal, but...motivation. Are you looking for advice? I can't tell. You might try and examining your journal through the lens of cognitive traps? http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/1384-cognitive-traps/ (it's the 19th post) The first two (all or nothing thinking, overgeneralization) jump out as potentially relevant to the thoughts you entertain. Or maybe just commiseration? There have been periods this year when I thought about suicide every day, and partially acted on it. It can be difficult to deal with for anyone. Some solidarity here.
  10. You are not "supposed to" experience a certain thing while a teenager. Whoever tells you otherwise is selling snake-oil. If you're up for it, you can always try tomorrow, or when you're able. For the rest, it sounds like you're hung up on a conflict between "fair" versus reality, and how you feel betrayed. Feeling betrayed is OK, and can take some time to get over. My first instinct is that talking about it is a good thing, even just by posting here. It seems comparing your channel and the other is an unhealthy idea. Unless comparing channels is going to motivate you to try harder and excel, you might try and find a way to let go. Easier said than done, but possible. I'd also advise a peer of mine to consider that it's never to late to try something new. Your post is seeded with ideas that it's too late, or that you've missed your opportunity to get some education, or that it's this youtube channel, or nothing. I feel that is probably the most unfair thing in your post.
  11. Welcome to the forums. My first thought is that there's plenty that could be going on, and therapy might help you work through the thing and get personal clarification. Have you tried with a pdoc? Anyway, I've gone through phases here and there throughout my life so far. Sometimes (for me) it's just the excitement of having something new and unexplored. I'm much more about the process rather than achivement. Once the process has slowed and I've learned a bunch about it, meh. I don't have much drive to succeed with it. I don't think that's a bad thing for a person - I try to cater to it, lately.
  12. You tried two SSRIs simultaneously over the course of two months (not 2 for one month each)? Seeking clarification because, as I think you already know, any single med could take two months to become therapeautic. It's good to know what your meds do (re: affecting this or that neurotransmitter) but keep in mind the actual role these chemicals play in depression is unknown. Additionally, any elevation or decrease of a single neurotransmitter can propagate changes throughout the brain. Feedback loops can result in SSRIs influencing dopamine and norepinephrine, along with who knows what else in the brain. You may be lower than average on dopamine, but it may be a serotonin agonist that pushes you to a new and happier steady state. My point is not to use neurotransmitters targeted by a specific drug to discount the entire category. And one SSRI may have a profoundly different effect than another in any one person. If this doesn't apply to you, apologies. All that being said, I do think it's important to do your research, just as you've done. Therapy helps many people. If you can't afford to see a psychiatrist (which is my first recommendation if you're trying pharma), is therapy cost-prohibitive too? For many people, therapy is the "cure", while medication is a stop-gap.
  13. Most weeks I don't talk to anyone. For me, it's more acceptable and less of a problem when I stop imagining how things are "supposed to be", and stop comparing myself to peers and social adverts suggesting life is a big party. There aren't any rules or "should-be's". Lots of people get down on themselves because they measure themselves against others, and determine their own wants based on what their peers want (or have). When I focus strictly on what I want, the pressure is taken off. This may be easier for me because I'm ambivalent about socializing - I recognize the elements of me that are asocial. I imagine this won't be as applicable to others who are fully social but inhibited by something. Just my 2 cents. edit: I don't think separating what I want from what I think I'm supposed to want is as easy as it might be imagined, for anyone. It took me a while to begin realizing I didn't want the social role my family wanted, and by degrees I felt less bad about not measuring up.
  14. Saros

    Crash And Burn

    Risperidone seems to have just stopped working overnight and I feel worse than I did before starting. At a loss and desperate. Considering calling my psychiatrist and asking her what my options are. 6PM and so far today I've managed to drink a gatordade (prescribed by doctor to reduce seizure risk) and sit with my head on the kitchen table. Tried calling an old friend but couldn't reach her. Now on DF trying to distract myself. I wish I could argue with someone about something. I feel like either evaporating or "going through streets with a green knife until I die of the cold", or maybe just lying down and waiting for more nothing to happen again and again. i feel like any moment my skin and bones will collapse like a hollowed-out building. I feel like I can't put the pieces of my life back together. ---------------------------------------------------- I know it sounds melodramatic and overly-sentimental, but my heart breaks over what time has done to Sappho. Maybe because it does the same to everyone. But with Sappho what we have left is such an elegant example. “]sing to us the one with violets in her lap ]mostly ]goes astray” If Not, Winter: Fragments of Sappho
  15. Varies between people. Addiction happens because you teach a brain there's a connection between pleasure and some thing. I imagine it's easier to forge that connection when the pleasure is much greater. The brain learns the connection, and continues to desire the stimulus even after a loss of efficacy. Paradoxically, it seems a loss of efficacy translates to the desire becoming greater. Time doesn't seem to help some people's brains un-learn that connection. After one pill? I have no idea, though it seems unlikely. I'm not a physician. If I were you I would ask one. They can't take it away from you. If you're concerned about addiction, you might re-consider taking any. While a few may not be addictive, taking them regularly to manage depressive symptoms will stack the deck against you. There are non-addictive dopaminergic anti-depressants if you haven't already explored them.
  16. Would you mind expanding on this, if you don't mind? Was the negative reaction due to indiscrimnate prescription of risperidone, and did it cause more problems? Thanks.
  17. While trying an SSRI several months ago, I lost a measure of control, became self-destructive, took myself to the edge of something, and today bear some physical marks from the event. I believed for weeks afterwards it was just a bad med-fueled bender, that I never really intended to do anything (in candor, I perhaps felt otherwise at the time), and that it won't happen again so long as I avoid that particular medication. I have recently learned a professional opinion is that it probably wasn't a per se "bad reaction", but medication unveiling something hitherto hidden. The opinion in part supported by similar, but smaller, reactions to comparable drugs. The opinion in part supported by a visceral nexus of confusion and agitation I apparently have tolerated to the point I've forgotten about it. The event has been categorized as a suicide attempt. I am incredibly uncomfortable with that. I had a neatly tied bow on the event and considered it just some static, done, and life goes on. Now I feel confused and a little bit raw. Distrust of psychiatry and psychology grows. -------------------------------------------------------- The Conqueror Worm -Edgar Allen Poe Lo! ’t is a gala night Within the lonesome latter years! An angel throng, bewinged, bedight In veils, and drowned in tears, Sit in a theatre, to see A play of hopes and fears, While the orchestra breathes fitfully The music of the spheres. Mimes, in the form of God on high, Mutter and mumble low, And hither and thither fly— Mere puppets they, who come and go At bidding of vast formless things That shift the scenery to and fro, Flapping from out their Condor wings Invisible Wo! That motley drama—oh, be sure It shall not be forgot! With its Phantom chased for evermore By a crowd that seize it not, Through a circle that ever returneth in To the self-same spot, And much of Madness, and more of Sin, And Horror the soul of the plot. But see, amid the mimic rout, A crawling shape intrude! A blood-red thing that writhes from out The scenic solitude! It writhes!—it writhes!—with mortal pangs The mimes become its food, And seraphs sob at vermin fangs In human gore imbued. Out—out are the lights—out all! And, over each quivering form, The curtain, a funeral pall, Comes down with the rush of a storm, While the angels, all pallid and wan, Uprising, unveiling, affirm That the play is the tragedy, “Man,” And its hero, the Conqueror Worm.
  18. I agree with everyone else's sentiments. I choose to believe the preacher (or anyone else, really) would change his mind if he had a closer brush with depression, in the first-person, or through family or friends, and that his armchair opinion probably comes from a place of happy uninvolvement. I blissfully believe that if he had all the gathered data presented to him regarding depression, he would recant his opinion. While it's still an irritating comment, I can understand it having been made, when voiced from a position of ignorance. I hope someone can offer him an opposing viewpoint soon, especially since he has a pulpit to speak to others.
  19. Sunshine, thank you for your kind words. I agree with you. I should not, nor should anyone else, measure their own lives by the yardstick of other people's successes. That being said, what "gets to me" is not that they're doing fantastic thing A or laudable thing B, while my truck is broken down and I debate over generic versus brand-name breakfast cereal. It's that they can do something. It's a real twist of the metaphorical knife whenever a peer is describing to me the evolution of some issue. In this regard, I am unable to cease from comparing myself to them, even if just in an internal dialogue, especially so whenever I inevitably hear some variant of "so, how are you doing?". For what seems the longest time, I have been mired up to the neck in cement. I have made no progress versus depression, and in some respects have lost ground. No evolution of my life outside of depression. This fact makes me want to abandon social connections altogether. That being said, I have kept my sink free of dishes for these past two weeks. This is an absolute beast of a record for me. Small victories. I must admit progress.
  20. OK, so. Risperidone: currently at 2mg, planning to increase again soon. During first two weeks, I felt more present in daily activities, i.e. engaged. I have become interested in a few things. I have read a few pages of interesting books here and there. Music is passingly interesting again, which hitherto defined my life. Not reached "pre-anhedonia" levels of interest, if such a thing exists. But ANY level of interest and enjoyment or satisfaction is an improvement because it has been completely closed to me in (at least) the past year, minus a few moments of reprieve during fleeting bupropion/adderall honeymoons. I have had the stirrings of desire to pick up the sketchbook or the guitar (though no action yet. Still, stirrings is better than nothing). Have found simple humor funny, and have laughed at some things on tv, radio, or written, AND have gotten a bit tearful at maudlin narratives. This is a seachange. Especially so because I have been alone when they have occurred, and I have not had anyone else around to piggyback on their emotions, so to speak. In short, feeling less wooden and more like a dynamic person. Sad to say that benefits have subsided somewhat after those first two weeks. Hope I can reclaim them with a dosage increase. Has anyone else tried an atypical, having had anhedonia and an extremely flat affect? I would like to recommend it, but I have no idea about how different the pathologies of anhedonia can be, or whether the risperidone is directly affecting the anhedonia, or some larger symptomolgy, which then in turn affects anhedonia. I certainly have other depressive issues we're trying to treat. edit: should add I felt some of these positives the first 36 hours after initial dose, if that's even possible.
  21. Welcome. All that anxiety sounds very difficult. Trial-time to see positive benefits of anti-deperssants can be up to two months, so it may be a little while before you get some relief. In the meantime, the forum is pretty supportive and could help you ride out the next few weeks. Did you just start therapy too?
  22. So, I shaved my head because I felt new stuff today. edit: confused.
  23. So you've gone from apathetic to angry, corresponding with titrating down on the meds? There could be underlying issues, but you're the best person to assess the possibility for that. You may have to just ride it out for a few months until the medication is finally half-lifed out of your system, and after that when your chemistry decides on a new balance point. Whatever your mental health specialist can suggest or recommend would be better-informed than my opinion. Anyway, if there's one point of real information I can offer, it that's plenty of people here have posted apparent withdrawal side-effects after having been on meds for a while, and these have included altered mental states. Anger, confusion, and crying jags have all been described. Hope things get better for you soon.
  24. SomethingWhatever- there's a lot of thesis and antithesis in this thread, and it's not all directly in response to your post. Some of the posts in this thread are well-intentioned but are a thin veil covering the poster's own relevant negative personal experiences. Try to not take it as personally as some of your posts suggest. Some of the posts here are purely supportive. I'm not chiding you or anything, just saying that you should see some positive here. Does the entire thread make you feel bad? It kind of sounds like you're stuck in a cognitive trap, which can systematically distort how we judge our lives, and not always in ways we're aware. If there's one parting thing I'd want to offer, it's: -Somtimes life sucks for some of us, and not for others -It's not always easy to tell who it sucks for -Comparing oneself to others can be a recipe for a downward spiral I know that those three things aren't entirely satisfying, I don't suggest they will be. But they can be helpful, I think. Hope things get better for you soon.
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