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Everything posted by Saros

  1. The last 2 years of unopened mail have finally been opened and sorted. Lots of overdue notices, but all currently paid. Epic stuff. Ridiculously, I've discovered some of my money was invested in an IRA. Who knew.
  2. Saros


    Sorry the accident is physically haunting you. Hope surgery improves things if it gets to that point. Great that the depression is being held at bay, if not entirely.
  3. I was physically active for the first time in over a year. Maybe it's natural convalesence, maybe it's the omega-3s, maybe it's the increased risperdal dosage. Anyway, laughably but understandably pathetic results, but better than nothing.
  4. I moved around every six-ish months for about five or six years. I felt much better the first couple months after a move. Afterwards I would decay back to a depressive state. I learned in my case I couldn't move away from depression. If I were in a toxic situation, I would probably try moving. I don't know how to clearly define a toxic situation. The therapist might be wonderful in your eyes, but maybe said therapist could give recommendations for a new therapist based on what she knows about your wife. It doesn't sound like she's interested in going back to the current. A change of scenery might help jump-start revisiting a therapist - but the energy (for me) wouldn't last, as I said before.
  5. I don't know much about teen issues, but I wanted to recommend you might get a referral from your GP to see a mental health professional, like a psychologist or psychiatrist. My psychiatrist has had additional training and remains aware of current developments in mental health, and spends a lot more time diagnosing. I'd be concerned a GP would simply suggest medication, or not, after 5 or 10 minutes and then wait a few months to see what happened. Good luck to you. P.S. I've had mildly psychotic reactions to two mainstream SSRIs, one of which had a profound effect on suicide ideation. I think it's something to remain aware of whether teen or adult.
  6. Disorders aside, it sounds like anxiety - worrying or apprehension that is greater in magnitude than the stressor would logically evoke. I don't know really anything about seeing a professional for anxiety, but it sounds like your thinking could be clouded by cognitive distortions or traps. Were you to see a therapist, I might recommend finding one who includes Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) in their practice. It can come down to 1) identifying your mood (perhaps more specific than 'miserable'), 2) identifying the thought that is driving the mood (I worry about losing all my money and going into poverty), 3) listing the evidence that supports and contradicts the thought, 4) listing an alternative thought (a more positive one), and 5) listing evidence for or against it. It's through that sort of work one might be able to see these negative thoughts driving a negative mood are subject to or are themselves 'cognitive distortions'. Here are a list of a few under the heading "cognitive traps". Wikipedia lists a few more. http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/1384-cognitive-traps/#entry40936 or something like that.
  7. Saros

    Feeling Sad And Hopeless

    I sometimes wonder if your career (edit: or your workplace, rather) isn't dragging you down. I don't think I've seen a positive post about it.
  8. Glad you have found some positivity, good of you to share it.
  9. Been a while since I logged in and posted, not been feeling the best. Had a failed trial with zoloft. For now just upping risperdal. Planning to add something new in two weeks. Obamacare - i now have insurance, relatively affordable and a comparitively good plan, and it's finally active. I could not have gotten it without the insurance exchange. My psychiatrist had wanted to help me apply for disability. I bought wellbutrin and risperdal yesterday and it was such a relief to only have to cover the copay. Please don't take it away. I can afford to try some newer medication. It's a big win for me. ECT is now a definite possibility, again thanks to new insurance. My pdoc is pushing it again, harder than before, because she wants to see improvement. I think she feels guilty over the unbroken status quo. A few meds left to try, then I'll put things into motion. Abilify is next, then maybe switch out for geodon, and maybe an MAOI. Maybe three more months. Really anxious about it. I can't remember being scared of something in a long time. Forced seizures and memory loss aside, I hate needing so many little helpers to get through the day. What went wrong that I need so much help to survive. i can't get anything done these past years. I feel like stone, frozen and buried in the dark. Non-functioning is my old new black, except it's the color of grey ice water. I still occasionally dream a song, and I recorded a new one this morning. I wonder if I'm teasing myself. I'm too tired to breathe life into them so the ideas are stillborn, and maybe I'm just putting down mile markers for failure on my trip to nowhere. I feel guilty that some of you have it worse and are still managing to make a go of it. How do you do it? Thanks to all who have been supportive, I hope you're doing well. Best of luck to everyone.
  10. It doesn't mean anything. Like said above, why these drugs alleviate depression is not clear, and ADs and the atypicals all have off-label uses. If you have a serious problem with a psychosis, I think you'd discover it without having to check a box next to an antipsychotic. Whatever the case, you're the exact same person whether a drug works for you or not. Medication doesn't define you.
  11. Risperidone initially had an impact on anhedonia (posted some pages ago), though effect flattened out and drowsiness became unmanageable. Updating because tried substituting with haloperidol and was diagnosed with akathisia as a response. So back to risperidone, at a lower dose, and hoping soporific effect dampens with time.
  12. Saros

    I'm So Tired

    Thank you, Shmooey.
  13. Feeling the same. Everything is insurmountable. Hope things get better for you, j02.
  14. Saros

    I'm So Tired

    Tired physically and so tired of trying meds. Currently taking haloperidol to treat potential 'thought disorder', and maybe it will help me with the episodes I've had during trial of an SSRI. I just want to quit taking them. Not feeling any better. Cancelled therapy session this week. Frustrated and tired and haven't known what to do with myself. I don't think my psychiatrist knows what to do anymore. We've started avoiding avenues because they're cost-prohibitive because I don't have health insurance. Just a couple of really low weeks and I don't know what to do besides sit and wait for tomorrow, rinse and repeat. I feel like I'm being ground to dust.
  15. I had some points I wanted to agree and disagree with. Yes, the brain is not just a matter of chemistry. I would guess there are some people whose anhedonia has a psychological basis - for example, anhedonia as a defense mechanism, even when no significant trauma event can be identified. And yes, this thread is focused almost exclusively on pharmacology, which I think is limiting. Medication alone may not always be a viable answer. I am unaware of any source that purports psychology and pharmacology as having an either/or relationship, or stating that, if many different medications have been tried, the issue must be psychological. There are likely many different vectors for the many different pathologies of depression, and the mechanisms are not well-understood. If I had to guess, I would hazard that most depression is a combination of environment and biology, though in varying degrees for everyone. And even in those whose depression is predominately environmental, medication may be a useful coping mechanism on the path to recovery.
  16. My intent is not to discourage, but I feel questions like these have no ultimate utility. When you're sick, there is no "well" you on the sidelines; you are what you are. The baseline adjusts to your circumstances. My depression is part of me, absolutely. The goal, in the absence of a recovery without effort, is to continue to look for ways to adjust the baseline (and myself) to a place I'd prefer. I would be concerned that saying there's a "me" that exists on a different level than my depression, aside from the logic I don't agree with, would invalidate the reality of the depression. Arguing about who I would be in the absence of depression would be like arguing to a teenager what he'd be like without living teenage years. I don't want to be told who I "should" or "would" be. Depression is enough of a hassle. So, I believe depression can be very defining. But it does not set a permanent barrier to recovery. People change, and I put effort into that. edit: i dunno.
  17. I think I typically reason that if a person is truly disagreeable, I wouldn't want to be their friend even if I was perfectly charming. It's just not worth my time trying to bridge a gap to a cranky person. If it's someone inexplicably acting hostile, I choose to believe there are some extenuating circumstances which might excuse their behavior, I don't take it personally and shrug it all away. I am reminded of David Foster Wallace's 'This is Water' commencement speech.
  18. Hertz has the right idea. Anything you're interested in makes a good starting point, and even some things you aren't interested in. Cooking classes. Painting instruction. Astronomy club. Chess tourney. Hiking group. Local music shows. Volunteering for environmental projects or for your community. Running or bicycling group.
  19. That's great you don't criticize yourself for wanting to take a break. "kind of unsure...almost afraid" sounds like anxiety. What do you think?
  20. My knee-jerk reaction: I really don't think it matters. I define myself by the things that happen, not hypothesized causes. I can understand wanting to choose one so making sense of things is easier. But you'll go on to succeed or fail regardless. If you failed because you were depressed, that's what happened. A next step might be trying to figure out how to overcome it. Second-guessing yourself about the reason you were handicapped won't help you do better the next time you're in a similar situation, it will just make things more difficult. Or how about - a psychosomatic pain is as real to the brain as a pain caused by external stimulus. Neither is less "real" than the other. If you experience it, it's real. Discriminating against one because the cause is not apparent does not offer you a reprieve from the pain. Just thinking out loud.
  21. Difficult to describe. Weightlessness, acceleration, elasticity, electric charge. More intense reactions tend to involve losing a sense of physical definition (i.e. my arms and legs feel like they alternatively swap around and evaporate). i can't say whether it would be applicable to me, but I would be interested in knowing what your process is, and perhaps it would be interesting to try.
  22. Has anyone seen papers describing structural changes in the brain, presumedly in response to anti-depressant intake? I worry about that affecting my brain's long-term viability...
  23. Just wondered if any current forum-goers have explored the topic of alexithymia. A google search turned up only a couple threads from years ago. I've identified myself as anhedonic for a while now, and would readily describe myself as having a very wooden affect. I believe I don't experience sadness or joy, not in any significant capacity. The only thing I get is agitated and confused. However, I've gotten a bit confused this week whether I'm anhedonic, or just unable to identify my emotions. I learned the word "alexithymia" this week when a psychiatrist tossed it in to the conversation. When she asks me questions, I have ongoing difficulty identifying and describing emotional responses, from recent days and going back years, from before severe depression settled in. I do have visceral reactions, though, but I can't consistently identify what sensation applies to what situation. Recalling distinct emotional states is difficult, putting it modestly. Anyway, feeling lost down the rabbit hole. Are emotions absent, or am I just unable to identify them? What a ridiculous question. Wondering if anyone had helpful anecdotes relating to same. Thanks. edit: parenthetically, I listen to music because it causes a physical reaction in me - the experience is sensual, not cerebreally emotional. It's difficult to explain. Anyone else?
  24. Stan, Personal threads about ECT show up not infrequently in this sub-forum and others. As best as I can recall, some stories have been positive, and others less successful. I think many people who haven't had reprieve with pharmacological methods are keeping the idea in the wings as a plan B. The possibility of memory loss or other side effects makes it a difficult decision (for me, at least). Glad you had some success with it.
  25. The ice cream I bought today, for tomorrow - I just ate it all. Feel gross.
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