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Everything posted by Saros

  1. Thanks for the reply. I can't really expect someone to produce some magic "answers" (though I wouldn't mind), but it's decent to be able to put my own situation in the larger context of other people having similar problems. I glare at my psychiatrist whenever I tell her I watered my plants (or some other small thing) and she's says "that's great, what an achievement!". And then my irritation at her comment amuses us both, though I'm struck at the complete absurdity while she's just a supportive sport. It's pretty frustrating when the minutiae of life become the big obstacles.
  2. I'm currently taking Lexapro (generic). I was exhausted and tired before; now I'm really struggling. Maybe my depression took another plunge, or maybe (I hope) it's just the med, or maybe something else. Ate some leftover asparagus yesterday. Today I've had some raisins and feel ill. I think I'm done for the day. I've been thinking all morning about going to the drug store and buying a sleep aid so I can fast forward to next Friday. I slept for 13 hours last night, and on the plus side it kept me from thinking things it's not great to think about.
  3. I have dysthymia, though I started to sink into a major depressive episode well over a year ago. I think it has been manifesting for at least two years, but my memory has gotten so poor I can't even remember when I moved to the state I live in now. I'm 34. I've been unemployed for six months. I had to leave the last job because, while it got me out of bed, depression just kept getting worse until I was engaged in some pretty self-destructive behavior to manage my grief. I reached a point where I couldn't tolerate any level of lucidity and keep working. So I quit. For most of these six months, I've been sleeping, or lying on the floor, or lying on the couch. I can't seem to do anything - not that I'm interested in anything anyway. Forget exercise, or a walk, laundry, dishes, shaving, watering my plants, or preventing my health or auto insurance from lapsing. Some days I talk myself up to eating, some days I don't. The only reason I have a psychiatrist is because a previous co-worker took me to her own psychiatrist because she was aware of some of my problems and concerned. I couldn't find one on my own; I can't do anything on my own. Whenever I try to focus on something my mind shuts down completely. I can't finish a single page in a book. My psychiatrist doesn't think I can handle a new job. I can't even get out of the apartment to go look, anyway. Most days I feel like I'm turning to the heaviest stone as soon as I wake, and there's nothing to turn me back. I feel so heavy. I'll move 15 feet for the day, collapse on something, and later stumble back to bed. I don't know what to do and my psych is just hoping the next medication will allow us to start CBT. We haven't had much luck with CBT because I bring so little to our sessions and then I can do so little at home on my own. I want to be able to do these things, my brain just won't let me. I'm too tired to talk with anyone, much less to socialize. I just try and curl up in a little spot of sunshine, though I'm exhausted from that, even. Did anyone else have a similar experience, and have any methods of overcoming? I have another appointment with my psych next week, but we'll probably just discuss a new medication. Every day I'm despondent and is anguish, and is just like the previous day, though I guess I weigh a little less but always feel heavier. I believe the odds are everyday in the foreseeable future will be the same. I feel like I'm slowly becoming catatonic. I can't even motivate to eat. Somebody throw me a bone, please. Thanks.
  4. I talked with my psychiatrist for a brief time about it, and I suppose the jury is out on whether it's epinephrine or endorphins (or both, or something else). I tried Wellbutrin for a while, and I didn't experience anything comparable, so I don't know about norepinephrine. Likely I didn't reach a therapeutic dose, though.
  5. I found situations I could perceive as fight-or-flight broke my anhedonia. For example, I felt real pleasure during sky-diving, so many years ago. I've had an run-in with a large predator that did the same, and handling a mamba; these had similar effects. I've been unable to motivate to do anything so interesting in so long. My psychiatrist is pushing me to find something else. I am trying to find a bungee jumping location around here, by which I mean I'm hoping a friend will find it for me, sign me up, and drive me to it. Will report back if I get around to it, and if anyone is interested.
  6. Thanks everyone who replied. I would appreciate any additional input that can be provided. gonamath, thank you. I appreciate this information. What is considered proof of no insurance? I don't think I'm organized enough. If that hurdle is cleared, I honestly don't think I have the mental wherewithal to collect this information, get phone numbers, work it out with the hospital. I'm just focusing on getting enough to eat everyday. I let my insurance lapse for the same reason - it's very difficult for me to do trivial things. Paperwork makes my brain shut down completely. Moody Blues, thanks for the reply. So I don't really understand Medicaid. Research and paperwork, for the reasons stated above, are beyond me. I'm also worried that applying for something like that will severely impact my application for insurance should I ever manage to re-apply. And I suppose I'm worried about becoming unqualified for government work if I "develop a record", so to speak. To date I have paid for all psychiatric appointments and prescriptions out of pocket. Worried my depression will become an uninsurable pre-existing condition and a barrier to public employment. I'm done with the private sector in my career field, though my pdoc and I agree I should probably change careers completely. Once I'm able. I do know that, thanks in part to my state governor Medicaid will not be expanded here in 2014 and there won't be a state health exchange. Neither here nor there, I guess. Roseforemily, thanks for the long post. I'm not sure what to reply to. I suppose my fears are that it will be a Black Mark on my "record", so to speak, and I'll have terrible insurance and unknown financial consequences. Like I've replied somewhere else in this post, I have a small supply of money in my bank account that lets me continue to live in my apartment and occasional see my psychiatrist. I can't let anything else get to that money or I'll be on the street and no more visits with my pdoc. And paperwork you describe...my brain shuts down and I go catatonic. The state I live in isn't very progressive. It's pretty lean on things like education and health care. Worries me what that will mean, if anything. Meagan92877, thanks for the reply. That's a bit intimidating, considering I have no health insurance. Honestly, I have enough money in my bank account from my previous job that I could swallow a few days in a hospital. But after that, I will not be able to pay rent or for additional visits to my psychiatrist, and I'll be living out of my truck. I know I could theoretically do it; I lived out of it for 2 years prior. I doubt how I would manage it these days when I can manage so little else. The idea of running out of money fills me with palpable dread.
  7. My psychiatrist has recommended hospitalization more than once. She has also disclosed to wanting to call emergency services and send an ambulance for me to be picked up, but she knows I know the magic words "I am not a danger to myself". I've considered it. However. I live in the US. I am unemployed, not capable of working, and uninsured. So, when things are at their worst, I just stay in bed or curl up on the floor and try not to think for however many days until things aren't as bleak. At least my psychiatrist, as expensive as her rates are, lets me delay payment until "whenever I'm ok to pay". Does anyone know how much hospitalization of only a few days will cost an uninsured person? Does anyone have an alternative recommendation? No peer or family support available. Thanks.
  8. It sounds like your baseline anxiety is much higher than mine. That being said, I used to have panic attacks. The first time I had one I had no idea what was happening. Heart pounding, tunnel vision, head swimming, limbs trembling; I really thought I might be dying. So I empathize - they're unpleasant. I haven't had a full episode in years, and I'd attribute it to two things: I avoid the trigger (which in my case was easy to identify), and I objectified the experience. I was in to meditation for a time, and the idea I focused on was "watching" and "classifying" thoughts, feelings, and sensations as they come and go. Where did this thought come from? What is it doing to me? Where did it go? "Here is an emotion. It is unpleasant. I don't know where it came from. It is nauseating. It seems worse now." That sort of thing. It definitely helped when I could not avoid the trigger. Good luck.
  9. In my own experience, it's a symptom of my depression. Family, friends, my pet died, no crying. What seemed like my last best chance at a marriage and a family went off the tracks, no crying. Sad, sad movies, no crying. *But* the movie Ikiru has always made me cry. Haven't watched it in 10+ years, though. What a tough movie.
  10. I waited until my depression was completely unmanageable before I sought professional help. There wasn't much left to lose. I certainly never asked for help from my peers, though by the time I saw a psychiatrist I had become estranged from everyone I knew. I certainly did not want to talk to anyone about it, and I was necessarily heavily self-medicated when I first found and scheduled with a psychiatrist; I wouldn't advise that to anyone else. Who knows how your situation will unfold, but I would encourage you to try and seek some sort of support (either professional or family/friend who supports you) sooner over later. No judgments here, I think, on whatever monologue you'd like to deliver.
  11. Just wanted to drop my 2 cents. In my case, it's the depression, and in my own experience it can be tough. I pay all my bills late, my dishes are over a month old in the sink, up until a few days ago I had garbage all over the floor. Laundry, taking a shower, even eating on a given day are just impossible sometimes. I have a social support net of only 1 person, but thankfully she came by and helped pick me up, though out of guilt I couldn't let her breach whatever ecosystem the kitchen sink has become. Certainly not laziness, and I doubt that's your case either.
  12. That sounds unpleasant. I'd say the medication is only slightly more hellish than my own flavor of depression. I'm a little over 2 weeks on Lexapro. My side effects were/have been three: exhaustion and excessive sleeping, emotional lobotomy, and complete loss of libido. Around day 10, the sleeping started to re-adjust from 14-15 hours a day to something more manageable; last night I slept only 9 hours. Still exhausted all day, though. Emotional lobotomy: around day 12, it's like the dam broke open and all the despair came flooding back in. Lobotomy was back on the next day, grief was back the following; no recent emotional void. Libido and associated plumbing haven't yet recovered in any way. From my limited experience, side effects manifesting early in the prescription may dissipate or evolve over time. Currently, I'd rather self-medicate than tolerate these side-effects. However, I'm going to persevere a couple months to see if the side effects disappear and some positives develop. Good luck.
  13. No advice from me. As Rahul says, reading through online posts, it seems withdrawal is a case of YMMV. I really just wanted to post saying I empathize with your pdoc frustrations. My psychiatrist has been very supportive, but sometimes I don't get the professional service I feel is merited by the pay rate or called for given the gravity of the topic. To wit, I get frustrated too. Good luck.
  14. Hi, thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any insight. I'm going to call my psychiatrist next week regarding topic below. First-hand accounts from you are appreciated as much as my doctors recommendation. After around 15 years managing dysthymia without therapy or medication (well, without prescribed medication), the most recent major depressive episode was worse than I could manage. After symptoms and resulting circumstances that just kept getting worse over a period of a few years, I started seeing a psychiatrist. We tried Wellbutrin for some months, which was temporarily great; larger doses worked for a few weeks than smaller, and then any positives (like being able to wash the dishes, or go outside) subsided completely. I wish the maximum dose was larger than 450 mg. There were no apparent negative side effects. Here's the bit relevant to the topic title: But anyway, now we're "experimenting". I started Lexapro (10 mg) on May 31, so it's been 10 days. After the first three or so days, I started really, really sleeping. I can't physically get out of bed until I've gotten at least 12 hours of sleep (14-15 hours is about right), and then I'm sleepy and/or taking naps throughout the remaining day. Aside from the fact that I'm beginning to feel emotionally neutered (for lack of a better word...) and completely asexual, is there any indication I can expect the excessive sleeping/sleepiness to dissipate? Because it's unmanageable in the long run. End direct relevance to topic title Thanks again. Here are some of my symptoms of depression, most of which I have dealt with since an early teen (currently either 33 or 34, honestly not sure). I often managed them with alcohol and opioids, or just retreating to a quiet place: loss of interest in everything (I abandoned a master's degree a few years ago after finishing my thesis and all my coursework, for example), complete loss of pleasure and joy (much more pronounced in this most recent plunge; music, the most important and constant thing in my life, has become functionally meaningless), I am unable to maintain any sort of social or romantic or familial bond (I wish I could; I've always just lost interest in them; the only two relationships I currently have is my psychiatrist and a saintly ex-girlfriend who looks out from me from time to time, despite my inability to reciprocate that kindness), I'm usually fatigued, daily suicide ideation (generally just this past year, thankfully), inability to do simple tasks (i.e. dishes, which is why I'm now unemployed, uninsured, expired drives license and tag, mail from two years ago unopended; you get the idea), what I'm told is "blunted affect" (so many years ago in high school I was told "stop with the deadpan act already". Sad face.), and a terrible sleep/wake cycle (it seems like I'm on a ~26-27 hour cycle). What a drag.
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