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mojosmama last won the day on June 21 2013

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About mojosmama

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  1. I'm not asking anyone to reveal their identity or anything. I just need to know if anyone knows anything about a dr in this area. Please inbox me.
  2. Xanax is the only thing that's ever worked for me. My anxiety is largely social but not limited to that. If I get bad, I have to get home RIGHT THEN! I have to have a cup of coffee, meds, and a cigarette. And the first thing I do when I walk in the door is start takin off clothes. Even my jewelry feels like it weighs 100lbs. I feel so restricted and can't breathe. After all that I can start to breathe again.
  3. I just want to say how much I appreciate each and every one of you. This forum and each member on it have been such a blessing to me. You have listened to me vent, gripe, and at times just plain whine. I want to thank you all. And I want you all to know that my thoughts and prayers reach out to each of you as we all make our own paths thru life the best way we can with the challenges we have.
  4. I've dealt with those exact same issues. You feel like you're getting better but feel guilty about it because you haven't paid for your sins, for lack of a better term. You wanna forgive yourself. You know you need to. But to forgive yourself would mean letting yourself off the hook for things you deserve to have to pay for, for the rest of your life. So in that respect you don't deserve forgiveness from yourself or anything else. A few things I have to remind myself of concerning forgiveness...to forgive is not to say what was done was ok. If you wronged someone or whatever, it wasn't ok. But true forgiveness says "I will no longer hold you/them/myself accountable". If the wrong can be righted then by all means try but not to the extent that you lose yourself trying. Forgiveness does not mean fellowship. You say you are angry with your past self. Ok, you don't have to continue fellowship with your past self in order to forgive. Forgiveness is never "deserved". It is an act of mercy. And mercy that is earned is not real mercy. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. It's a decision that has to be made over and over again in some cases. You didn't become this unhappy with your past self overnight so don't expect to be able to forgive all at once and suddenly be all light hearted overnight. And finallt, forgiveness is not an event but rather a process. It's actually a pretty cool emotional/spuritual journey on which you can learn many many things about yourself. That being said, I think good things are happening to you now for the same reasons bad things have happened to you in the past. Because sometimes life is just random that way. We go thru seasons. A time to laugh, a time to weep, a time to mourn, a time to dance, etc. Have a little mercy on yourself and just enjoy the dance for a little while. ***hugs***
  5. I can relate. I've always thought I was some kind of loser who just couldn't get it together. I never felt like I was on the right level of emotional maturity. Not long ago I found out it was my own fault. When I was 17 I wronged my best friend and her entire family so bad. And they were so good to me, calling me their daughter bcuz they knew I didn't have a dad. Anyway I was so horrified and angry at myself it's like I couldn't grow past 17yrs old. On some level I stayed there trying to right my wrong. Once I learned that I was able to go on but by then I was in my mid 30s and living in a 1br apt in the projects. But I was able to forgive myself and move on. I still don't have a degree or a great job. I still live in a 1br apt although it's much nicer here. I guess focusing my efforts and attention on things around me and started looking inward helped me to grow and mature. And now I can say yeah I screwed up. It was horrible but it happened. God has forgiven me and I forgive myself. I am not the loser I once thought I was. Idk if this helps or not. I just totally get what you're saying. I was there and there's hope. You wrote a big list of what you regret. What are you proud of yourself for? What are you good at? Give yourself a break frim comparing yourself to other people. ***hugs***
  6. Yeah I was the fat kid too. My dad once measured my thighs in front of company. All those ugly words hurt and time isn't much of a healer when you have mental/emotional issues.
  7. (((skyblueheart))) I'm so so sorry you're going thru this. Idk what to say. I've been there. I used to photograph graveyards alot. My prize photo is a dead bird on the side of the road. It's my favorite. Death is very poignant to me. I've thought so many times that I wanted to die. But I didn't want to **** myself and do that to my family. I used to fantasize about dying in a car wreck or someone breakin in my apt and shooting me. I didn't want to live. Death just seemed so much better. So peaceful. But I know there's a reason God has spared me. Idk what it is yet but I know there is one. I wish there were something I cud say. ***hugs***
  8. Oh honey I would have to restrain myself from smacking the guy who made the Africa comment!! I've been on really bad lows before. But back then my bipolar would kick in and I just had to keep reminding myself there was a high just around the corner. Do you get the extreme highs? Omigosh those were the best!! I refused antidepressants for years bcuz I didn't want to lose the highs. But for some reason they don't come like they used to. I don't take my pain pills unless I just feel like I'm dying. In a month I may take a half 3 maybe 4 times. I think I just need to suck it up and start takin em so I'm able to do more. I can totally tell you get it. You have no idea how much you've helped. Thank you so much.
  9. And thank you so much for understanding about the shoes!!! It PHYSICALLY hurt me to give them away. Lol. Spikes, wedges, GORGEOUS boots!!! Omg it makes me so sad just to think about it.
  10. Wow. Thanks. And it almost always makes it worse when you hear "there are so many people worse off than you and any one of them would love to trade places with you". I know they mean it as an encouragement and a way to lift your depression but oh my GOSH!!! Sometimes I just wanna say I DON'T CARE ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE!!! Is that not awful?! Lol. But that's what goes thru my mind. And unfortunately my physical condition won't get any better. I'm already a medical miracle. I broke my own back during a seizure and my t12 vertebrae actually shattered with enough force to embed pieces of it into my spinal cord. They told me not to pray for healing bcuz they'd seen this injury several times and it doesn't heal. They said I'd never be able to use the bathroom on my own and would have to wear diapers. Today I walk, drive, clean house, walk the dog, everything. All with no PT since I didn't have insurance. I don't wear diapers, although bathroom control is an issue bcuz I'm totally paralyzed in my pelvic area. And I have to walk with a cane and drag my right leg behind me like a dead tree branch. Lol. But the point is that I can do it. God healed me. My docs were amazed! I should be more grateful. I should be Tim McGraw-ing it and living like I was dying. But I'm not. For some reason I can't. I'm stuck in that mire of hopelessness. Why??????? My life is not hopeless when you look at it from the outside. My life is a freakin miracle! So why can't I live like it? It's been 3 1/2 years. And please know that I am not in ANY WAY trying to belittle YOUR pain. I can tell in your words that your pain is real both physical and emotional. I'm not saying mine is worse or more intense than yours. So please don't take it that way. I love that you shared that and that you actually understand the dynamic between pain and negative emotions. I just feel so guilty for being ungrateful.
  11. Oh sweety shoes are everything. Lol. I know what you mean about walking in the woods. I think if I could go out alone I'd probably do it more. I prefer being alone. When I'm with other people I always feel like I'm bein judged. I like bein by myself. But since I got hurt I can't do it like I used to. If I fall in the middle of the woods and there's no one to hear me scream, how will I know whether or not I've actually fallen at all? Hahaha!!!
  12. You can't battle this on your own. I'm glad you found your way here. ***hugs***
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