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muchakoda

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About muchakoda

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    Female
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    USA
  1. Thanks PulledPork! Yes I chat with my husband just about every day, and text msg also when possible. But some days he's really busy and can't talk which I understand. I do ask him about his day, what it's like there, how is the weather there, was it hard to maneuver the truck into the venue, he asks about my day too, etc, but I guess it's only so much. Just wish I was there sometimes I suppose. It's too easy to miss him when I'm alone all the time, lol. He knows I'm not the happiest about his driving situation with the woman riding. I didn't know it was going to be that situation when they offered him the job, but he knew about her riding and didn't mention it to me before accepting the position, which bothered me after I found out. I guess he thought I wouldn't like him taking the job if I knew she'd be riding with him everywhere.. I dunno. So I guess the driving situation kind of started out feeling negative for me, which prob has been compounding my feelings over time. We've talked about it, but what it comes down to is that I can't do anything about it. It is what it is. I can only find different ways to cope with it. Sometimes we are able to make jokes about the situation and be light hearted, but other times especially if I'm depressed, I let it really get to me, and I dwell on it then I just get sad. So I'm talking to my therapist about better ways to cope when I feel that way. I don't want him to feel like he needs to find a different job because I can't handle the driving situation, it's not fair to him, and I certainly don't want him to do that either. It's a good job and it's benefiting us both. Everything else about the job is fine, yeah it sucks to be alone a lot, but I'm happy he's working and doing something interesting that he likes. Now recently he said that the woman is planning on moving to the state we live in, about an hour away from us. It's far enough away that I'm satisfied that I won't see her much, though I guess she told my husband she wants to hang out with us, and I'm just not having it. I'm not interested in being buddies with her. Nothing personal against her, but she already spends plenty of time with my husband when they're working, so when he's home it's our time and I prob wouldn't feel happy with her in my house anyway.. I don't think she understands how hard the situation can be for other people. Well anyway I've been feeling better the past two days, the past week was a tough one though. I do know there are so many people out there that have it worse than I do, and I have to be thankful for everything we have. I'm hoping therapy will help me get through all the old trauma and anxiety issues I have, and maybe find a way to get a better grip on my depression. Glad I have a place here to write, and also learn about how other people cope. Everyone has been so nice on here too. :) Thanks again!
  2. Thank you guys, very kind of you all. Yes at times the loneliness combined with being depressed can be overwhelming, but I'm learning to keep busy and use distractions as you mentioned to not get sucked into it. If I'm doing computer work I'll have pandora on in the background, or the tv (don't have cable just watch videos). And yes I also like to watch videos on youtube. There are some really cute animal ones, I love animals and birds so watching videos online does help me lighten up a bit. And my dog & cat are lifesavers for me, they keep me company and my dog gets me outside to walk her. And I keep busy with other hobbies, exercise (I'm on a diet, lost 18 lbs so far), cleaning, work, etc. But even though I do these things I still get depressed at times. Yes I can totally relate about the 'plastic smile', I've done that before many times when I worked in an office, trying to cover up how miserable I was feeling at the time. I've tried it with my husband sometimes when I'm down in the dumps, but he can see right through it, lol. This past week was tough, much worse than usual and overly sensitive feeling, but I'm starting to feel a little better now. I've read though this forum a little and it's nice to know that I'm not alone with this stuff. Also my husband gets home in 5 days, so that's something very positive to look forward to. This tour was about five weeks long, so it will be nice to have him back for a bit. :) Thanks again for all your kind words!
  3. Thank you both! Yes I've actually started seeing a new therapist, it's new so we haven't covered a lot, but I'm hoping to learn coping skills for when I'm alone and my depression & anxiety starts to hit. For years I thought I could just handle it, that I'd get it under control, sweep my problems under the carpet. But after many break down episodes, past traumatic life events, continuous depression & anxiety, and now my husband's absence due to work, I finally decided I should seek therapy. I'm going to a low-cost clinic since I don't have insurance and can't afford a traditional doc. I have been prescribed lamictal (lamotrigine) and ativan (lorazepam). I'm not sure if the lamictal is doing much for me. I haven't seen a difference in my depression, but the ativan does help stop my panic attacks, and also helps me to deal with going out in the public (grocery stores, malls, etc). Yes I am also distrustful of people, I'm generally a quiet person, find it hard to meet people and tend to hide out instead, I don't want to be hurt, and so this adds to my isolation. I live in a small town, but it's about 15 miles from a large city. I used to work in the city, the last serious job I had was a manager of a therapy & intervention clinic. I know that might sound funny, because here I am looking for support now myself, but going into that job I didn't know anything about therapists or interventions. Thought maybe it would be good for me. The job turned out to be traumatizing. My boss was controlling and had no boundaries, I was completely over worked and yelled at when I made any mistakes at all, I was taking crisis intervention calls when I never had done that before, and then pressured by my boss to get the most $ out of the person seeking the intervention. Some of the calls I got were horrible, it was hard not to cry sometimes listening to the person calling, then have to somehow pry $ out of them for an expensive intervention that might not work. My admin assistant was non compliant and always questioned my authority. Thus I saw the 'behind the scenes' work of that therapy business and it made me sick. It also caused me severe anxiety then my depression worsened, I started breaking down at work, and on the way to work, and sometimes I'd have a panic attack on Sunday knowing I had to be there on Monday. I couldn't do it anymore. I quit after 2 years. I never wanted to see a therapist after that experience. Now I work at home doing websites, but yes it does isolate me even more since I don't commute to work or deal with anyone in person, it's all online and occasional phone calls. I'm usually ok being alone, but when I'm in a depressive state it is way too easy to go into the downward spiral. Yes, it is terribly hard knowing that my husband is somewhere else far away, with that young woman in the truck with him, just the two of them together. It kills me thinking about how when they stop places, people in public probably think they are together like a couple. It bothers me to think about them both sleeping together in the cab of the truck, even if it's in separate beds. I often wonder what they spend time talking to each other about on those long drives. I wonder how she dresses, or if my husband has developed a wandering eye .... I can drive myself absolutely crazy thinking about it all but I'm trying to learn not to. All I can do is trust that my husband is true, and not let it bring me down, though it's really mentally hard for me still. I'm here alone and he is somewhere far away. I also wonder what kind of other things he experiences when he's gone, what the cities are like, what the people he meets are like. I don't know. Seems life is continuously testing me or something, lol. Just gotta learn to get up off the ground when I find myself there. Thank you both again for responding, it's nice just to hear from someone else out there, makes me feel not so alone. Sorry again for the length of my post!
  4. Hello, I'm new here and so hopefully I'm posting in the right place. Little about me - I'm a 34 yr old woman, I've had depression probably since I was about 12. It comes in waves for me, where I'll be ok for maybe a couple months, then I'll feel it start to come on and I get slower and feel quite sad lasting a couple weeks to a month. But occasionally I'll get depressed more frequently than that. It really never truly seems to 'go away' completely, just gets better, then worse, then better again. I'm always aware of it. I also have anxiety issues. I've had trouble holding jobs due to the depression/anxiety. I currently work from home doing computer work, and that's great for me and I like it, but I tend to isolate myself due to that. But I'm not really a very social person to begin with. So, my common-law husband of 14 years travels for his job - he's a semi truck driver for a band and drives all over the country. He's gone for about a month at a time sometimes longer, and then he gets about 2 weeks off in between tours, and before I know it he's gone again. The band's mobility consists of a tour bus and the semi truck. The merchandise girl rides in the semi truck with my husband. Frequently they have to both sleep in the truck together when they can't get a hotel (truck has two separate beds in a small rear cab). They drive very long distances together. At first her riding with him everywhere really bothered me, now I've gotten a little more used to it but it still gets to me at times. She's about 8 years younger than me. She spends more time with my husband throughout the year than I do. Now we've talked about it, I know that he can't change the situation, and it's a good job and they are just co-workers and friends. I trust my husband and know that he's true to me, we love each other very much and have a good relationship. But when I am depressed this situation is like the icing on the cake since it's hard enough to be alone for long periods while he's gone. She is the only woman out of 12 guys on the road, and when they're gone for a month or more, well... I guess my insecurities start to get the best of me. When he calls to say hi I'm usually fine, but sometimes I start to get sad and upset on the phone and I can't control it, especially if I'm already depressed feeling. I wish I was there having fun with him at the concerts, and I think about all the people he's hanging out with and everything. He's usually in such a good mood but for some reason it makes me sad, and I don't want to feel sad. I don't like making him feel bad for having his job, that's not my intention. It's a good job, I don't want him to think I'm being selfish or overbearing. He understands my depressive phases but it's also still hard on him, and I understand. Often he'll get off the phone quickly if he hears me getting upset. This makes me fall into further isolation because I try to hide how I'm feeling so I don't bother him. I do try to keep busy with work and walking the dog, hiking, housework, gardening, hobbies, running errands, exercise, etc. I try to get out of the house when I can and if I feel like it. It just doesn't always make me feel better. I start to oversleep and don't want to get up to face the day. Sometimes I start crying for no apparent reason. I get panic attacks. Sometimes I'll have a few drinks and that will make me feel better, but I know that's not good for me and I feel guilty afterwards. Anyone out there have any suggestions about coping when feeling isolated and depressed, and maybe how to better cope with my husband's job situation? Btw - we don't have kids (have a dog and cat though), I don't have any family nearby (not really close to my family to begin with). Sorry this is long. Thanks for any help.
  5. Hi, I found this forum and thought that it might be a good place to read about other people's depression & anxiety to help with my own. I've had depression ever since I can remember and I'm just recently starting to see a therapist/take medication for it. I work from home doing computer/website work. My husband works away from home as a 'roadie' for a band (driving a semi truck around the country with their equipment), so he's gone for over a month at a time and home for shorter periods in between, and most holidays he's gone also. Dealing with his job situation & being alone much of the year can be quite difficult for me sometimes, and especially if I'm in a depressed state. Then it causes him stress also to hear me upset on the phone. I get episodes of depression that last about a month at a time, and they make my life much more difficult. I'm taking meds now, but I don't know how much they are really helping me. So, I came across this site and figured I'd give it a shot. Thanks.
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