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highanxiety

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highanxiety last won the day on December 25 2015

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About highanxiety

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  • Birthday 01/22/1953

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    Seattle, Washington

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  1. I have been on Clonazepam for years and it has helped my anxiety. However I would never had started it had my doctor said I could get addicted to it. I started with 0.5 mg and bumped up through the last 10 or so years to 3 mg. I don't want to go any higher and I think it isn't really working like it did, probably because my brain has assimulated to it. The Psychiatrists and doctors I've talked to have all given different methods of getting off the clonazepam. One is weaning off Clonazepam slowly using Valium. Another is discontinuing 1/4 mgs a week. My former GP said it would take years to properly withdraw from it. I watched a special on CNN on Benzos a couple of weeks ago. Turns out apparently no one really knows the true method in helping someone withdraw. They interviewed patients on Clonazepam trying to withdraw through several methods, and most made them really miserable. I'm told withdrawing from Clonazepam can be almost worse than heroin. Wondering if anyone has tried, and could maybe share their experience with me. Much appreciated!
  2. I have been in therapy a long time. Mostly to help deal with personal relationships, family, health and of course depression issues. Out of the many therapists I have had I can say four were of actual help to me learning why I feel the way I do and teaching me coping skills for example. Others can mean well but be completely unqualified to deal with your specific problems and will continue to see you until you put on the brakes. And sometimes it is about the money. My last therapist I fired after three months, because he did not seem to have knowledge in any of the fields his website cited, which i why I chose him. And he insisted I was in such bad shape I need once a week therapy instead of every two like all my others before. And since he was not in my insurance network I paid him cash each time. He opened up some bad wounds that had already been dealt with in previous therapy, and kept insisting I needed to focus on those. In short a huge and expensive disappointment. So I have taken a break from therapy for four months and I think I feel the same as if I was still in therapy. In other words, maybe I've gotten all I can from therapy, and being on this forum, and connecting with friends going through the same thing seems to be taking it's place. I asked a friend recently who has taught Psychology at major universities how I should proceed in finding a new therapist, as I was striking out on the ones I was picking. He asked me " You have been in many therapy for many years, what exactly are expecting a therapist help you with?" I hesitated and then thought I don't really know.. The only thing I could think of was just having someone objective to vent too every two weeks. I"m getting older and more settled in my ways, still suffering depression certainly, but for me I don't know if therapy is the answer any more. Kind of wondered what your take is on this subject. I know every one is different, and this is my own individual experience. Sometimes I wonder if I just got kind of addicted to therapy when it really wasn't helping and figured enough is enough.
  3. Obiously you are not alone with this observation. I find myself putting far more into a friendship sometimes that I get back. Just an occassional "how are you doing" would surfice. Finding I am having to let friendships and even family go to retain my self esteem and mental health.
  4. I have been taking the branded Wellbutrin XL 2 150mg per day for years. I have tried about every other antidepressant out there and this has worked best for me. But in the last year or two the manufacturer uped the price to as one said "prohibitively expensive prices". The cost of a month's supply cost's well over $2,000. I haved tried two previous forms of the generic and had bad side effects and got even more depressed. I am lucky because my insurance company continues to pay for my Wellbutirn XL despite it's ridicously high price. My co-pays are hefty however. It is good to hear that Mylan has a good generic out that has been reforumlated. Espespecially if my insurance stops paying for my branded. Thanks for the info!
  5. Happy Birthday. It is a special day, and you are special. You will always find caring and supportive people here on the forum.
  6. I seem to feel a lot of anger lately too. And I'm not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. At least anger is a feeling. And can be interpreted like you are getting some of your power back which may have been sucked away from time to time. Of course i advocate kindness, and try to be a good person. But for me anger can be a release from the hopelessness and constant sadness, kind of a rebellion of sorts. I think this is depression and not you. I agree with a lot of what members have posted who obviously care for you. Taking some time off, a short vacation might cleaar your mind, getting away from it all and getting another perspective perhaps. Either way, I wish you my best.
  7. Mine has! Not ever being the most confident guy in the world I have always been a bit weary of people trying to get close to me. Perhaps for me it stems from growing up in a dysfunctional family where positive reinforcement for positive achievements were rarely praised, but negative behavior always punishable. It seems this has shaped me somewhat going foward in life, always being so hard on myself, making sure I go above and beyond expectations to please family, friends, and employers. This behavior seems to have intensified dramatically since my depression began. Sometimes you get burned so much, or betrayed, you naturally become defensive. I never speak of my depression except on this forum and with a few friends who have it too. But people begin to pick up on your pulling back, or less available to do things as before. And I think among other things they put two and two together and figure your in a vulnerable position, or not exactly a fun person to be around. Those I have thought would stand by me through my depression and a chronic illness I have, and in whom I have invested so much trust and depended on for support, have for the most part vanished. And opening up to my sister and her family, my only biological family left, has taken advantaged of my vulnerability through emotional blackmail. To the point I do not trust any family. With my depression everything worry I have can be multiplied 100 times thus intensifying my caution in trusting people, keeping up my armor so not to be hurt as so many other times in the past. There are a few people I trust, Those consisting of a few friends, some of whom I have met on this forum, my physicians, for starters. And people like my neighbors in my apartment building and neighborhood who know nothing of my past, only who I am now. With them I feel more open to be me, not having to worry their bringing up past indiscretions or faults. I want to trust more, but I don't know with depression if I can ever fully do so again. Anyone else feeling the same way? Sure would appreciate any input!
  8. You have had some great responses. For me depression is something we carry so many people around us don't see because they aren't going through it. I have many blessings and good fortune, but I can't really see or feel it. Finding people who get depression like on this forum is a great start which you have done. Don't feel guilty for something we really can't control. Depression has mind of it's own making us blind to so many riches in our lives.
  9. After reading from your first post to the last, thank you for including us in your journey. You have come so far. I'm wishing you a wonderful life. And I don't think you are a coward at all!
  10. Really glad you are back with us. I have came close, and have had friends who went through the same as you landing in a mental ward. But they too came out feeling much better. Really glad the staff working with you were so amazing. That can make all the difference. Sounds like you all developed a great plan for going forward. Again great to have you back!!!!!!!
  11. Speaking of therapy. I've had the same experience sometimes being shuffled out of the office five minutes before the session should end. Only to find out I had 50 minutes on the books not 60. Based on my last therapist disaster which lasted two months, and who reopened old wounds already healed by therapy past, I have not had therapy I think for about four months since I fired him. Just haven't had the energy to search again for a therapist. And not sure if I really need one except to vent. Seems like I get better answers here on the forum, and in counseling myself so to speak.
  12. I can relate in some ways as I tend to have recurrent nightmares at night in which some cases I wake up in a panic. Then the worrying starts, so it can take me two hours to go back to sleep. I have to take sleepers just to get a good 7 hours most of the time. During the day I take an anti depressant and anti anxiety med to keep somewhat balanced. Plus have been going to therapy for years up to the last few months. I hate having to take medication but in my case I don't have much choice. I'm not sure if you are taking any medications for your depression and anxiety, but finding a very good counselor or therapist can really help, that is if you don't already have one. Good luck and know there is always a listening ear and support here.
  13. I think Facebook is a good for keeping up with family and friends far away.. Fun to catch up with High School friends. But I've found it kind of toxic and competitive. Some of my friends are only concerned on how many friends and followers they have. Others seem to get very argumentative. I decided to go off Social Media because I wasn't using it much, and I got tired of sometimes getting caught up in political discussions.
  14. Welcome Mark. I don't really have any great dating tips except to just be yourself. You seem like a very nice guy. You will find much support here. Once again welcome!
  15. I've been in therapy for many years dealing with both a chronic health condition and depression. As such I have had many good therapists, and some not so good. The best was one I had seen for three years, who unfortunately had to leave his practice due to cancer last year. Finding a true connection with a therapist who is experienced in dealing with my complicated case is rare. However this one seemed to "get me" right off, mostly because he had expertise in my specific health condition, and uncovered a major source of my depression though psycho analysis. I can only imagine the progress we would have made if I was still seeing him. So the search for a new therapist began. I am covered by a Medicare Advantage Plan through which I can choose from their network of many mental health specialists paying a minimal co-pay and have unlimited visits. I couldn't really find many that fit my criteria, so I went outside of network and found one with great credentials and background seemingly to be a good fit. He like several in private practice does not take medicare, or has "opted out", so I was responsible to pay cash $140 for each 50 minute session payable at the beginning of each visit. He also felt I needed to seem him weekly, as opposed to twice a month which had been the frequency with all my other therapists. I decided to go ahead because of his alleged background and experience with people like myself, but mentioned I could only come twice a month after the first initial one because of money constraints and medical appointments. He said fine. I took the gamble. The first month was all about learning about me, and he wrote most of the session practically anything I was saying even if just small talk, nothing significant. I was somewhat impressed that at least he was taking thorough notes. And he asked some relative questions, and was a good listener. After the first month I told him I needed to go to twice a month sessions. He said he felt due to the severity of my case I needed to see him once a week up to two years. BIG RED FLAG! I told him I had been in much worse shape and never seen any therapist more than twice a month but he didn't buy it. I told him I couldn't afford it, and also I could not skip medical appointments for therapy. He also required a 48 hour cancellation policy, otherwise you would have to pay half the cost of the session, and I think he said full price if cancelling the same day of appointment. He made no exceptions and was totally not flexible. At that point I should have left, but he was leaving for vacation for two weeks, and said we can negotiate when he came back. I made another appointment and there was no negotiation, and I then knew he was probably all about the money. Also, he never shared any of the knowledge of my chronic condition or displayed any qualifications which attracted to me by his profile. I even tested him once giving him some information about my condition and he seemed unfamiliar with most of it. So obviously I stopped seeing him, beating myself up for not seeing the writing on the wall with all my experience in therapy. The irony of it all is not seeing him actually improved my depression and anxiety, and has taken a great weight off my shoulders. I guess the take away is be sure you know what you are getting into. Be sure to study any disclosure information and rules he gives you prior to the appointment. In my case I was lucky because none of the terms of our agreement was in the disclosure but apparently made up on the spot. Most of this is my fault I know, but I was so hopeful to find another great counselor my hope blinded my reason. Now taking a long deserved break, but realize I will need to go into some therapy in the near future but this time in my insurance network. I hope no one else has to go through this.
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