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highanxiety

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highanxiety last won the day on December 25 2015

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About highanxiety

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  • Birthday 01/22/1953

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    Seattle, Washington

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  1. I feel my soul screaming out to be heard, yet restrained fearing the reaction if I do. So I wear a mask of sorts hiding my truth. The truth being I am not alright, but floundering in this mess of negativity, hopelessness, emotions that are tearing me up inside. Those I have trusted to hopefully understand mostly have made themselves scarce. Who wants to be around negativity or be around someone who feels life is not worth living. And has no control over how I feel. So I put on a mask of the person people expect me to be, not how I really am. I lost both my therapist to cancer, and my doctor to a tragic car accident within six months of each other, both who got me, and helped me believe in myself for once. Both made me feel grateful someone actually understands and I can be my true self around them. I am sorry about their misfortune as both were wonderful men who did not deserve to pass so young. I miss them so much. Trying to replace two irreplaceable clinicians is next to impossible I have found. So after much research have found two others, both who are not really working out really. I'm finding I sort of have to wear a mask for them too. I've read posts from other members feeling the need to wear a mask like I. Would be good to hear more about how you cope,.and if other members are experiencing something of the same.
  2. I am sorry for your situation, but I can relate. By the way congrats on your 1.5 year mark in sobriety. I only have my sister left and her brood and they pretty much told me to take a hike after my dad died in 2011 and the probate was settled. She fought tooth and nail during probate where I had to hire an attorney. I deferred all conversation with my sister to her because she upset me so. She told my attorney that after probate she nor her family wanted anything to do with me. I've held her to that ever since. This was my experience but does not have to be yours. You have a family you can communicate with at least. However I am concerned for you. Please let us know how everything is going and how we can support you.
  3. Feel I am losing the battle. No one seems to understand. My current therapist is clueless. My main support comes from these forums and a friend in California going through the same thing. Depression does not register with my other friends let alone family.
  4. Hey JD4010, I related to your response to the question I asked about the current state of government and how it affects us. I too was in the Selective Service for Vietnam. At one point of my life, when I was like a kid, I figured everyone had to join the service at some point, it was just part of growing up. My father was a Lieutenant in the Navy during the Korean War. My grandfathers both officers in the military. So I thought next it would be me. That notion went away rather quickly as I became a teenager. It didn't really hit me until I had to sign up when I was 18. From high school into my Freshman year of college I seemed to have escaped being called. But I distinctly remember as a Freshmen when there was the lottery system, a bunch of my friends were together as they announced numbers. And I remember being quite drunk for the occasion. As it turns out I had a very high number in the 300's. But one of my best friends was #1. His name was Doug. I think they needed men so bad to replace those being killed college deferments were not even being recognized. He was not one to be talked out of anything, and he went. And he died in combat not shortly after. I will never forget it. The next year I don't recall them having the lottery so maybe troops were being withdrawn there. You mentioned you were at the top of the list, but luckily the war was coming to an end. We were both lucky in our own ways But I feel bad for those that weren't. And when talking about this, I agree with you how ridiculous our defense budget is.. And it is scary under this administration just how that budget will be used. Enough said. BTW, I agree George Carlin was heroic. Listened to his albums all the time.
  5. As much as I try to avoid the news, it is almost impossible to these days. There is so much going on I thought I never would see in my lifetime. Bottom line, a big part of trying to get out of this depression which has plagued me for years is to have hope to hang onto. It is hard enough dealing with our day to day worries, anxiety and depression. I am in therapy, medication, and in forums like this just to keep afloat and maintain a ensemble of hope. But when I think of where our country has gone in the past two years and all that has come with it, my hope is diminishing. And as such my depression deepens. To help counter this and not give into the craziness I have found becoming active with conservation, humanitarian, animal, and veteran organizations have brought light to the darkness. And I feel better maybe having helped make a difference for the world or in someone's life. Without hope there is nothing, and I am doing my hardest not to have that robbed, or further drag me down. I just wondered how current affairs are affecting your life, and how you are trying to keep your hope alive.
  6. I'm sorry this happened. My thoughts are with you.
  7. I have the same problems with negative thoughts, especially from the past almost dominating my current life to a degree. Casting those out has been a project I have been working on with my therapist for a long time. There are some good suggestions here. I would like to dispose of them permanently if I can or just lock them away. My friend mentioned hypnotherapy but I'm not sure it is for real, and it is extremely expensive. Anyone tried it?
  8. Welcome to the forum. You have received some great information from members. I would like to add to the consensus there is no judgement here. Italy is at the top of my bucket list of places to go to. I am retired, have the financial resources, and could spend a couple of months, it is one of my dreams. But not only due I have anxiety, but a chronic illness which makes travelling even harder. I.m working towards feeling comfortable and confident enough to go. Hopefully someday I will. I have a friend in California who is from Hungary and desperately needs to go back for family and real estate issues. But he just doesn't have it in him at all because of his extreme panic disorder. For him flying is the hardest part since it is such a long flight. So you are not alone. I get your anxiety on this, I would feel the same. I'm hoping you can go. One member asked if the people you are travelling with and those you are seeing know about your condition? Having that communication may relieve some of your stress. Mainly, if it comes to the point the anxiety of the trip is taking over, and in such, affecting your overall health, then rethinking going is important. I'm sure everyone would understand. In my heart, I hope you can go, as I am kind of jealous as I would like to go very much. Welcome again and keep us in the loop,. Take care, Jeff
  9. My sleeping patterns are all off. I only got 6 hours if that last night and I am totally wiped out. Like you I have to force myself to get motivated some days. I'm retired, but generally I have commitments and appointments nearly every day that is my incentive to get going. And once I do seem o.k. But without those incentives, I feel very unmotivated. You are not alone on this.
  10. Wow this is a timely post. I still am on Wellbutrin XL branded and the cost is outrageous, but it seems to have been successful for me having taken it about 10 years. I've been on almost everything else and this seems to work best for me. I tried the generic when it first came out, and like you, felt I needed to go the ER, panic, and suicidal. Once back on branded I was back to normal. Then I heard recently they had tweeked the generic so it did not cause the side effects. A friend of mine in California went on this generic about three months ago, and had to go off it in two weeks, so sick and I think he did go to ER. I don't know why the manufacture has raised the cost of Wellbutrin XL to such ridiculous prices, except for price gauging to the max. My insurance company still pays for it and I have a pre authorization, but my co-pay even at 5% is around $300 a month. I cant imagine many can afford this, nor insurance companies continuing to pay for it, unless they have some agreement. Whatever the case as long as my insurance company is still paying for it, I'm not going to rock the boat. But I have a feeling the bomb will drop soon. I'm glad to hear you are doing well without it. I hope I have the same experience when I stop it, however I'm sure my Psych will want to put me on something else. Take care.
  11. Woke up in the middle of the night with a migraine. Knocked myself out with a migraine pill and seemed better this morning luckily. I feel like a lot of us have so much going on, thoughts, worries, and etc. right now that it interferes with our sleep and daily life. For me when things get real bad I will watch some movies on Netflx, or binge on a whole season of a tv series. Seems to block out all the negative stuff, and just get absorbed into what I am watching. Then maybe go outside take a walk or something. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
  12. Glad to hear there is some positive resolution with the landlord. That and recovering from having a month's worth of medications injected in one day, I would be out of commission. But it sounds like you are doing ok. Probably a a good idea to take it easy Wednesday. Take care buddy!
  13. I really get what you mean. Seems many people don't easily hear what we are going through so we have no alternative to wear a mask. I have some friends, doctors, and counselor I can be me with, but aside from that, the mask stays on. Be strong!
  14. Had surgery Wednesday and still in recovery zone. So having to rest a lot feeling guilty I'm not getting other things done. I'm not sure if it was the stress of the surgery, or after effects of the anesthesia, but I have had a very short fuse ever since. Seems like a lot of pent up anger is building up. More so than other times. Working on figuring out anger issues in therapy. Feeling mad at the world, myself, I don't know. Sometimes an overwhelming feeling.
  15. I relate to how you feel in many ways. I find once I force myself to get going and keep busy I feel better. I have not found or felt happiness for a long while. Like you I have forgotten in many ways what defines happiness. I do wear a mask around among friends and while out for appointments, shopping and such like I'm fine. Even smile. But it really is just a disguise at least for me. One of the reason I am going to therapy is to figure out how to find happiness again. I wish you my very best, and know from those who have answered your query you are not alone, and there are some positive take aways from some of the responses. Take care of yourself!
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