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highanxiety last won the day on December 25 2015

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About highanxiety

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  • Birthday 01/22/1953

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    Seattle, Washington

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  1. Wish I could wipe clean many of portions of my past which keep haunting me. Bad memories and experiences pop up at random during the day and even in dreams at night. Reliving so much of what I need to forget or not react to. Lately they seem to be controlling my present life, not willing to take risks, trust, or maintain a good sense of self. I know my depression would be better if I could find a way to put these feelings into perspective, or just forget them entirely. Wondered if other members might be dealing with this, and if so how you are dealing with it? Really would appreciate any input you might have.
  2. Hey my heart goes out to you and your wife. My mom was hospitalized with severe depression and had several treatments. They seemed to help her, but she did have some memory loss. After she went into an inpatient program at the University of Washington Hospital where she got hooked up with a great psychiatrist who got to the root of her problem and got her on the proper medication and she bounced back to her normal self. It sounds like your wife is doing much better based on your last post. That sounds like a good sign. I understand your wanting to be involved as much as you can during this process to support your wife. I hope that the doctors step up and communicate better as to her progress and address any of your concerns on an ongoing basis. Sending you and your wife my very best.
  3. I have heard both yes and no on this topic from doctors, although the common consensus a family history of depression can very likely be passed on or triggered to an offspring. I guess I am proof of this fact as my mom had major clinical depression so bad she was hospitalized for five years. She came out of it thank God with the right Psychiatrist and medication. Oddly my sister, my only sibling, did not get it. However her oldest daughter suffers from depression. Wondering if family history is a contributing factor to your depression as well?
  4. If we get this country turned round and not have to worry so much, I'm sure my depression would get better. I'm losing hope daily.
  5. The forum has helped me so much. Very grateful! We are all here to support one another. So glad you became a member. Stay strong.
  6. I get completely what you are saying. The exact thing has happened to me. My conclusion is most people don't get depression unless they have had it. It doesn't register with my friends so I never talk about it with them, just here on the forum and with my therapist. I also suffer from a chronic illness making things doubly hard. Life is about seeing doctors, procedures, all to keep going. My energy gets used up pretty quickly. My friends know about this, but many don't believe things are as bad as they are, and really don't want to deal or talk about it. I should do a better job to keep touch with those that have distanced themselves from me, but they don't touch base with me. Actually when we do talk many times I end up feeling guilty and defeated. It is a double edge sword. I have about six friends who get it to a degree where we still talk and can feel comfortable telling each other how we feel with no judgement. Those friends I hold close to. I have to let many friendships go because I always feel like the guilty party. You are lucky you can be yourself around your family. That is pretty huge. I only have my sister and her family and we communicate very rarely if at all. Don't feel alone on this. I have written a lot about this in other posts. But take heed to the advice given in the previous posts. Some good ideas there.
  7. I"m glad your PCP addresses both your emotional and physical needs. Last year I lost my PCP of 11 years to a tragic car accident. Boy do I miss him. He sounds just like your PCP. He had his own practice and used kind of that country doctor approach, appointments were 45 minutes, the first 15 going over my depression, worries, and prescribed my psych meds. After 11 years he knew me and my dysfunctional family, and everything I was going through. A great support system in my life and is dearly missed. I have searched for new PCP's like him but with my chronic illness finding a PCP who treats both that and practices internal medicine are hard to find. My current one is very good and friendly. But when I talk about my depression he listens, but isn't as engaged as my past doc. Seems like I am educating him sometimes. I also lost my therapist about three months after to cancer after my PCP passed. My therapist was the best I ever had, and got me. Another huge support system for me. Now have another who is in a sense kind of clueless and probably will have to move on to another or just take a break.
  8. Therapists aside, I have found many of my physicians and specialists, even my current primary, don't really want to talk about my depression or factor it into my health evaluation. It is understandable physicians, especially specialists are for the most part only looking at their patients from the viewpoint of their specialty and treatment stops there. I have a terrific team of doctors who keep me going and are caring. But depression never ever enters the equation as perhaps a contributor to making my condition worse, except for occasionally with my Primary Care Physician, where in most cases I have to bring the subject up. As you may have noticed on televisions there have been ads, encouraging patients to share with their doctors not only their physical problems but emotional ones as well. Not sure if that is registering on the physician end. One of my physicians who is like my secondary PCP seems to feel depression should have no effect on my life, and I should travel the world do whatever I want. I tell him don't you think I would if I could. And generally he just shakes his head, and says well from my end, my specialty, you seem emotionally fine to do whatever. What I have posted is basically my experience with some of my Physicians and Specialists, not to be construed it applies to all. But I feel all physicians do need to evaluate their patients not only from a physical point of view, but also from an emotional one. Seems to me healing begins by addressing both. Anybody feel the same, or have any comments?
  9. Being a teenager is hard enough let alone everything you have been going through. When you feel you have no one to turn to. Even family. Needing someone to see and hear you in a caring and supportive way. I'm glad you found this forum. It is the only place I can turn to be totally myself and talk to people who understand. This is a great first step. Look at all the care you have received through the previous posts. That is what this forum is all about. Wishing you strength, and sending you my very best.
  10. Interesting thread. I can't say my parents were narcissistic, but fairly absent from my life. They have both passed, so I can only feel I need to respect that. However they traveled extensively, my Dad on business trips seemingly all the time leaving my sister and I under the care of a wonderful woman who I guess could be referred to as our nanny although I hate that term. Even when my parents were home every summer we would be sent to stay with my grandmothers, one in particular who lived on a beautiful island outside of Seattle, right on the beach. A kids paradise with my cool grandmother and the island kids but no parents. And when I started 5th grade came camp every Summer which sessions ran two weeks to a month. I think had they been around more I would not have the insecurities I have had through life. Lacked discipline and guidance on a regular basis. Had to figure a lot of things out on my own the hard way. But I loved them and miss them. I relate a lot to my mom because she suffered from severe depression for five years, institutionalized for three. I was in high school, and watching her suffer killed me. No one my sister or dad, or even her close friends gave her the love and support she needed. They thought she wanted attention or some crazy thing. They didn't get it, but for some reason I did. I tried to be there for her as best I could. Fortunately she go through it, and had many happy years left thank God with my Dad., From what I understand I guess I got the genetic depression trait from my mom. The truly narcissist in my family is my sister. She is plain toxic. And I have removed myself from her completely, and her family. Too long a story and off subject for this thread. But I think what comes to me is the question what is the difference between a narcissist or someone just plain toxic?
  11. Interesting topic. Never really thought about it. I can't remember having a problem with eye contact. I had to learn that as it was required to be successful in my career. My problem is reading facial expressions, or wondering if this person is being real or not. Which narrows down to trust issues which I have.
  12. Happathy: I feel I am close to just stop worrying about what other people think. I too am tired of lying about how I feel. Thanks for your post. Motivated me. Stay well!
  13. Thanks Tim 52 for sharing your story. Loss, especially of a parent at such an early age especially is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. I've experience a lot of loss in my life, actually suffer from PTSD. Like you I get very emotional at random times. I hope some day we can all remove these masks we wear and be ourselves and understood always. Sending best wishes your way.
  14. I feel my soul screaming out to be heard, yet restrained fearing the reaction if I do. So I wear a mask of sorts hiding my truth. The truth being I am not alright, but floundering in this mess of negativity, hopelessness, emotions that are tearing me up inside. Those I have trusted to hopefully understand mostly have made themselves scarce. Who wants to be around negativity or be around someone who feels life is not worth living. And has no control over how I feel. So I put on a mask of the person people expect me to be, not how I really am. I lost both my therapist to cancer, and my doctor to a tragic car accident within six months of each other, both who got me, and helped me believe in myself for once. Both made me feel grateful someone actually understands and I can be my true self around them. I am sorry about their misfortune as both were wonderful men who did not deserve to pass so young. I miss them so much. Trying to replace two irreplaceable clinicians is next to impossible I have found. So after much research have found two others, both who are not really working out really. I'm finding I sort of have to wear a mask for them too. I've read posts from other members feeling the need to wear a mask like I. Would be good to hear more about how you cope,.and if other members are experiencing something of the same.
  15. I am sorry for your situation, but I can relate. By the way congrats on your 1.5 year mark in sobriety. I only have my sister left and her brood and they pretty much told me to take a hike after my dad died in 2011 and the probate was settled. She fought tooth and nail during probate where I had to hire an attorney. I deferred all conversation with my sister to her because she upset me so. She told my attorney that after probate she nor her family wanted anything to do with me. I've held her to that ever since. This was my experience but does not have to be yours. You have a family you can communicate with at least. However I am concerned for you. Please let us know how everything is going and how we can support you.
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