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highanxiety last won the day on December 25 2015

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About highanxiety

  • Birthday 01/22/1953

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  1. Feeling like I'm imprisoned in a space capsule spinning completely out of control. Depression and anxiety are at maximum overdrive. I've lost my direction, off course. And everyday seems to bring more interference. I tell myself this is all circumstantial which probably is a big part of it. Covid is giving me panic attacks. I just lost a very close friend, young mother of three, to Covid. Grieving for her, yet scared I'm going to get it as like her, I have underlying conditions putting me in the vulnerable high risk group. And naturally my anxiety amplifies my fear 1000%. I'm concerned about the economy, if I'm going to have enough saving s to see me through. Worried about the planet. You name it I am worried about it. I wonder why is all this happening and if some sort of normal will ever return. I wish I could steer my life to another universe which offers hope and happiness void of depression and anxiety. Taking my meds, and seeing a behavioral therapist every two weeks. Doing the homework she gives me. Self help books, excercises in becoming more positive, and meditation go so far. But beginning just not to care, tired of fighting the fight. Would like to achieve a steady orbit. Maybe tomorrow will be better, I keep telling myself. Just lost right now!
  2. Lately I feel like I am behind a glass barrier of sorts watching the world go by, but I'm not in it. I feel really detached. Its like your stuck on deserted island and people know you are there but don't want to rescue you. And it is the deepening depression and anxiety which I feel is controlling me more and more. Trying to keep in the routine making appointments, meetings, being out and about with friends or family is harder and harder, always having to wear that phony mask of what people expect to see not what you really are. It is kind of a charade of sorts that can be very lonely and isolating even when surrounded by people. I watch people go by or talk with friends who aren't depressed and I'm jealous. It would be nice to participate in the real world again without being riddled by constant worrying, feeling hopeless, broken and lost. I have been in therapy a long time, but I have taken almost a year break because it really wasn't helping but making things worse. My story and having a chronic illness to boot is very complicated more than most therapists want to take on at this juncture. A positive is I have just recently hooked up with a behavioral therapist associated with the medical staff at the medical center I go to. Even with only two one half hour sessions she has helped me more than the other two therapists I have seen. I feel she really understands, sends me home with very useful anxiety and calming exercises, and working for the same medical system I go to she has access to my records and docs to get a fuller picture. She is my Christmas gift. Also I am very grateful to the members of the forum with whom I know I can be myself and talk frankly, and vice versa. In particular one person who has helped me more than I think he knows. I feel I am part of the world knowing you, not just an observer, and that means everything right now. Really appreciate it! It is hard to predict what 2020 has in store for us with regard to all that is going on with our country, the climate, and the world. But for us I hope we find a break in the clouds and find that beam of sunshine we all deserve.
  3. Find it hard to not be depressed with all that is going on with our Government, the climate, and the world in general. It has definitely made me feel more hopeless. I fear for the future.
  4. Zagor: I get what you are saying, and also have many reasons of my own, many similar to yours, to question whether to go on living or not. It is hard to make the distinction between just surviving, or surviving with some quality of life. In your case, my driving force to live might be for your child. Sounds like he has been so much, a caancer survivor, certainly as a parent you will worry, and with anxiety those feelings can be 100 fold. He has fought hard to survive, probably largely to your love and support. To me he is worth living for. He needs you. And it is terrible to here that your father is ill as well as your mom, and your brother suffering from mental illness. Sounds like they need you as well. I understand the depression, anxiety having suffered from it for 20 years along with coping a chronic illness. Everything is overwhelming that coping seems almost impossible. The positives for you are you have a family and a child. In comparison, I do not. I get your frustration, and I'm not judging or trying to talk you out of anything, but encouranging you to take a step back and try to take away the negatives and look at some of the positives. It is a new year and perhaps a new beginning. Whatever the case I wish the best for you and your family. And we at DF are always there for you!
  5. Hey Adam:  I'm Jeff, a friend of Dave's.  He might have mentioned me to you.  We have had several converestations by personal message and phone calls.  He has been a terrific support to me this past yearl

    Dave  and I felt it a good idea I contact you, as he says you have also been a very supportive friend and very aware of his situation.  We both seem to have developed  special friendships with Dave, friendships he trusts and needs during this difficult time.  I have not talked to him personally for a few days, but just caught up with the latest postings on his thread.  He seems more peaceful, and kind of taking things one day at a time, or he says living in the present.  Naturallly I have many concerns and questions as to what lays ahead and his plans, but don't really discuss them with him that much anymore.

    Whatever happens, I hope we can be of some support to each other as we both are friends of Dave who support and understand him on a deeper level than others on the forum.  Even being somewhat prepared for an outcome such as this, when it happens it can be so devastating.  I say this from experience having been through this with some of my closes friends and releative. 

    Felt like this was a good time to make a formal introduction.  Dave speaks very highly of you, and I hope to know you better as well.  By the way I saw your photo album about the Grateful Dead.  I was around 18 when I really got turned on to them  through the American Beauty album.  Since then they have remained one of my favorite bands,  and their songs bring back so many wonderful  memories of the life I was leading at the time.  We have that in common.

    I want to wish you and yours a very happy 2020, and I hope we will become friends.  And of curse be a support to each other  concerning Dave.  

    I probably should give you my e-mail just in case which is meredith_jeff@msn.com.   We can Personal Message on the forum as well.  Whatever you feel comfortable doing.

    Take care and best wishes,


  6. I have been on Clonazepam for years and it has helped my anxiety. However I would never had started it had my doctor said I could get addicted to it. I started with 0.5 mg and bumped up through the last 10 or so years to 3 mg. I don't want to go any higher and I think it isn't really working like it did, probably because my brain has assimulated to it. The Psychiatrists and doctors I've talked to have all given different methods of getting off the clonazepam. One is weaning off Clonazepam slowly using Valium. Another is discontinuing 1/4 mgs a week. My former GP said it would take years to properly withdraw from it. I watched a special on CNN on Benzos a couple of weeks ago. Turns out apparently no one really knows the true method in helping someone withdraw. They interviewed patients on Clonazepam trying to withdraw through several methods, and most made them really miserable. I'm told withdrawing from Clonazepam can be almost worse than heroin. Wondering if anyone has tried, and could maybe share their experience with me. Much appreciated!
  7. I have been in therapy a long time. Mostly to help deal with personal relationships, family, health and of course depression issues. Out of the many therapists I have had I can say four were of actual help to me learning why I feel the way I do and teaching me coping skills for example. Others can mean well but be completely unqualified to deal with your specific problems and will continue to see you until you put on the brakes. And sometimes it is about the money. My last therapist I fired after three months, because he did not seem to have knowledge in any of the fields his website cited, which i why I chose him. And he insisted I was in such bad shape I need once a week therapy instead of every two like all my others before. And since he was not in my insurance network I paid him cash each time. He opened up some bad wounds that had already been dealt with in previous therapy, and kept insisting I needed to focus on those. In short a huge and expensive disappointment. So I have taken a break from therapy for four months and I think I feel the same as if I was still in therapy. In other words, maybe I've gotten all I can from therapy, and being on this forum, and connecting with friends going through the same thing seems to be taking it's place. I asked a friend recently who has taught Psychology at major universities how I should proceed in finding a new therapist, as I was striking out on the ones I was picking. He asked me " You have been in many therapy for many years, what exactly are expecting a therapist help you with?" I hesitated and then thought I don't really know.. The only thing I could think of was just having someone objective to vent too every two weeks. I"m getting older and more settled in my ways, still suffering depression certainly, but for me I don't know if therapy is the answer any more. Kind of wondered what your take is on this subject. I know every one is different, and this is my own individual experience. Sometimes I wonder if I just got kind of addicted to therapy when it really wasn't helping and figured enough is enough.
  8. Obiously you are not alone with this observation. I find myself putting far more into a friendship sometimes that I get back. Just an occassional "how are you doing" would surfice. Finding I am having to let friendships and even family go to retain my self esteem and mental health.
  9. I have been taking the branded Wellbutrin XL 2 150mg per day for years. I have tried about every other antidepressant out there and this has worked best for me. But in the last year or two the manufacturer uped the price to as one said "prohibitively expensive prices". The cost of a month's supply cost's well over $2,000. I haved tried two previous forms of the generic and had bad side effects and got even more depressed. I am lucky because my insurance company continues to pay for my Wellbutirn XL despite it's ridicously high price. My co-pays are hefty however. It is good to hear that Mylan has a good generic out that has been reforumlated. Espespecially if my insurance stops paying for my branded. Thanks for the info!
  10. Happy Birthday. It is a special day, and you are special. You will always find caring and supportive people here on the forum.
  11. I seem to feel a lot of anger lately too. And I'm not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. At least anger is a feeling. And can be interpreted like you are getting some of your power back which may have been sucked away from time to time. Of course i advocate kindness, and try to be a good person. But for me anger can be a release from the hopelessness and constant sadness, kind of a rebellion of sorts. I think this is depression and not you. I agree with a lot of what members have posted who obviously care for you. Taking some time off, a short vacation might cleaar your mind, getting away from it all and getting another perspective perhaps. Either way, I wish you my best.
  12. Mine has! Not ever being the most confident guy in the world I have always been a bit weary of people trying to get close to me. Perhaps for me it stems from growing up in a dysfunctional family where positive reinforcement for positive achievements were rarely praised, but negative behavior always punishable. It seems this has shaped me somewhat going foward in life, always being so hard on myself, making sure I go above and beyond expectations to please family, friends, and employers. This behavior seems to have intensified dramatically since my depression began. Sometimes you get burned so much, or betrayed, you naturally become defensive. I never speak of my depression except on this forum and with a few friends who have it too. But people begin to pick up on your pulling back, or less available to do things as before. And I think among other things they put two and two together and figure your in a vulnerable position, or not exactly a fun person to be around. Those I have thought would stand by me through my depression and a chronic illness I have, and in whom I have invested so much trust and depended on for support, have for the most part vanished. And opening up to my sister and her family, my only biological family left, has taken advantaged of my vulnerability through emotional blackmail. To the point I do not trust any family. With my depression everything worry I have can be multiplied 100 times thus intensifying my caution in trusting people, keeping up my armor so not to be hurt as so many other times in the past. There are a few people I trust, Those consisting of a few friends, some of whom I have met on this forum, my physicians, for starters. And people like my neighbors in my apartment building and neighborhood who know nothing of my past, only who I am now. With them I feel more open to be me, not having to worry their bringing up past indiscretions or faults. I want to trust more, but I don't know with depression if I can ever fully do so again. Anyone else feeling the same way? Sure would appreciate any input!
  13. You have had some great responses. For me depression is something we carry so many people around us don't see because they aren't going through it. I have many blessings and good fortune, but I can't really see or feel it. Finding people who get depression like on this forum is a great start which you have done. Don't feel guilty for something we really can't control. Depression has mind of it's own making us blind to so many riches in our lives.
  14. After reading from your first post to the last, thank you for including us in your journey. You have come so far. I'm wishing you a wonderful life. And I don't think you are a coward at all!
  15. Really glad you are back with us. I have came close, and have had friends who went through the same as you landing in a mental ward. But they too came out feeling much better. Really glad the staff working with you were so amazing. That can make all the difference. Sounds like you all developed a great plan for going forward. Again great to have you back!!!!!!!
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