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Chrono

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  1. I originally studied something I was passionate about, but joblessness afterwards was imminent. We all know this story. I was depressed and had panic attacks about what to do with my life, and the ability to support myself. I spent the last few years in grad school in an engineering program. It was so different from my former schooling, and I had panic attacks throughout, feeling I was always behind other younger students in aptitude. I graduate tomorrow, and did OK in school. I even have a new job. I should be happy. But my depression continues. I am about 30, and have become extremely sensitive about my skill level and aptitude at my new job. New 21 year old interns are arriving soon, their resumes are immaculate, and come from schools like Yale and Berkeley I have had panic attacks recently about everyone realizing just how behind and useless I am compared to these overachievers who are just a year or 2 out of high school. While I still feel like I'm trying to fake it till I make it. I know this is classic impostor syndrome, but in this case i am somewhat of a real impostor I'm a typical newbie, but I'm old and people I am sure expect more of me than what I am capable of. The other day I was assigned what even I knew was a relatively simple task. I stayed late trying to fix it up. As the sun went down and I made zero progress, I felt this realization. Who am I kidding? I cannot do this. I am years behind in every aspect of life, and this will come to light as the newest, nearly decade younger people come in and shine before I've been able to show any usefulness. This is a general, recent example, of how I have felt in most situations. Social events, school, etc. If I am driving myself and others, and make a wrong turn that sends us over a bridge and into traffic, and an hour late, I cannot see this as just an annoying mistake. I know it to be undeniable evidence that I am a loser. I try not to compare, but I will always feel how my 20s were wasted, and I can never ever catch up to other people, especially younger ones. Thoughts like these make me fantasize about dying. Not suicide, just a tiredness of this pattern, that makes it impossible to smile 99% of the time.
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