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Everything posted by GoldenOne

  1. Hi there As the title reveals, I used to be active on these forums some years ago, probably mostly from 2013-2017 or so. Used to struggle a lot with suicidal thoughts and I still have such thoughts on a weekly basis, however, they are much less invasive compared to then. Also, in 2013, I had to drop out of university due to my mental health issues. In 2017, I had recovered enough to begin studying again and in 2 weeks, I will be finishing the bachelor's degree that I was studying back in 2013. Anyway, so here I am and things have obviously gotten a lot better. However, I still do not feel happy inside. I still struggle a lot with certain symptoms, and I just do not feel like life is all that great. I feel meh mostly. Do you think I will ever find happiness again? I used to be happy prior to 2012 when I started getting sick, but it has now been almost 8 years and I still have not found happiness yet.
  2. Thanks for your replies. I am trying to work on handling rejection better, but most of it is just emotionally. And I cant just make my hurt go away when I get rejected. So somewhere down the line, my feelings of hurt have to be less intense when I get rejected and abandoned. Like you guys, I am also deeply afraid of being abandoned. I said rejection, but I could easily have said abandon as well. It has always been with me, I think. I think most people feel terrible after rejection, but for some people it results in suicidal thoughts and depression, like in my case
  3. I am beginning to realize that, probably most of my life, I have always been really, really bad at handling rejection. I don't know why, but feeling rejected is probably the worst feeling in the world for me, and I am only starting to realize how bad it really is. That is probably why I fell into a downward spiral after my now ex girlfriend broke up with me. I am also learning how very important it is to surround yourself with people who like you for who you are and want to be with you. I think it is one of the best ways to increase your own self-esteem. When you are around people who you don't have chemistry with or for whatever reason aren't fond of you, it makes people feel bad about themselves, or maybe that is just me. I guess it could be just me, since I have a tendency to believe that other people rejecting me stems from me being "wrong". Anyway, does anyone recognize this? Feeling really, really awful when being rejected to the point where you feel depressed?
  4. As the title says, I have irrational thoughts - concerning my body. In my country, there is a diagnosis called Schizotypy, which is the one I received a few years ago. One of the for the diagnosis goes something along the lines of "having ruminations about a defect body part", which basically means that the individual spends a great amount of time thinking about a part of their body, which the individual believes is ugly/disgusting when in fact it is not. Very similar to body dysmorphia. Out of all the symptoms I have, these thoughts bring me the greatest pain and suffering. However, despite me knowing that this is actually a symptom of the disorder I was given, I STILL cannot convince myself that this is all in my head. I believe it is the same deal for people with anorexia. Despite everyone telling the person with anorexia how skinny they are and despite how small the number is when they weigh themselves, they STILL believe they are fat. I think my case is very similar to that of an anorexic in that regard. I have tried meds and I have spoken to professionals about it in therapy. However, nothing has helped me with these thoughts. Over time, the other symptoms that I have, have improved. I have also gotten a bit more confidence, my social skills have improved etc. - but these thoughts have not improved whatsoever. Since other people cant talk me out of these thoughts, my strategy for a long time has been to distract myself. It seems to be the only solution right now to easen the pain of these thoughts. So my question is: How do I convince myself that these thoughts are all in my head? That what I see in the mirror is not what others see? And does anyone know how anorexia is treated?
  5. Thanks for wishing me happy birthday everyone. Had an okay day. I didn't feel so good in the evening though and thoughts of suicide started to enter my mind. I find birthdays odd, because on one hand, you are celebrating the day of your birth and on the other hand, I feel so hopeless and helpless that sometimes I would rather not exist. Kind of ironic to celebrate the birthday of a person with suicidal thoughts. I hope you are all having a nice day.
  6. It has been almost 6 years since I began to experience symptoms of a mental illness. Today I turn 25. I am still not happy, and I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, most of the time I am so tormented by thoughts and I feel so hopeless that I consider ending it all. However, I will continue to fight my demons for a while longer. Hopefully, somewhere in the near future, I will be happy again.
  7. Because I dont. I think it is part of my condition. I guess it is what you call "hopelessness". Does anyone here, however, feel like things actually will turn out alright in the end? I would do anything to think/feel that.
  8. I think people hide it because being "broken" is being vulnerable and being vulnerable means you are at risk of other people taking advantage of that. So you put on a facade to hide your vulnerability in order to not get hurt/taken advantage of. I think that is why I am doing it anyway, to not give away the fact that I am extremely vulnerable.
  9. Been depressed for almost 6 years now without any breaks inbetween. Havent had a single good day in almost 6 years. Thinking about suicide on a daily basis is completely normal for me. However, I can't keep going like this for much longer. There comes a time when enough is enough. No one is meant to live life like this. This isnt how life is supposed to feel like. I get it that everyone has their ups and downs in life, but this isnt one of those downs that people talk about. This isnt even adversity. This has destroyed my life. It has taken everything from me. And I cant keep going on for much longer. I seriously need to find relief soon. I cant keep living like this for much longer, I feel.
  10. Finished first year of university today. Second semester is over, and there are no studies until late August. I feel a bit relieved, feel like I finally have some time to "feel bad". Been distracting myself so much with studies and exams lately, but just beneath the surface lies my feelings of hopelessness. I don't see a way out, but I keep walking down this dark tunnel. I hope one day to see the light.
  11. Hey Sage, Stay strong. You will feel s***ty for a while, but going back to him will only prevent you from moving forward and bettering yourself. Stay away from that guy.
  12. Less anxious than usual. But the chronic feelings of hopelessness are always with me.
  13. @UglyLoser Hey man. I saw your introduction video "Welcome to my channel...". I felt so bad when I saw the title and watched the video. No one should call themselves an ugly loser, man. It hurts me to hear someone talk so negative about themselves :( Not saying this to say your title and/or video is bad, not at all. It just made me feel sad to hear you talk that way about yourself. You are so much more than your appearance, and I havent even seen what you look like, so dont think I am calling you ugly. Just know that theres so much more to you than what you look like. Also, I lost my virginity when I was 19. I had a girlfriend for a little while, then she broke up, and I havent had sex since then. I am 24 now. So dont feel bad for being a virgin at age 21. Honestly, its not really bad at all. I know you wouldve liked to have lost your virginity at a younger age, but I dont think 21 is a very old age to lose your virginity at all. Maybe you have tried this before, but if I were you, I would definitely try to talk back to those negative "I am an ugly loser"-thoughts. They are just reaffirming the negative beliefs you have about yourself. You gotta try to break the cycle of negative thoughts. I dont know why, usually I dont get too emotional about stuff, but this video made me want to reach out, probably because I consider you brave and sincere and modest. I hope you one day find you way out of the dark tunnel you are in.
  14. If I will never overcome my mental health problems, I dont see much point living. Other people have beat depression, social anxiety and other disorders. So why shouldnt I? Believing that it will always be part of you is a very depressing thought. And I believe it prevents you from actual recovery. I have my own thoughts of hopelessness and suicide, but I keep fighting, because this cant be the end of me. If I were to struggle with these kinds of issues for the rest of my life, I dont see much reason to keep on living. And I know other people have beat depression, anxiety, borderline etc. So why shouldnt I? Why shouldnt you?
  15. I have learned so far from the different therapists I have seen that I dont think I can learn that much more from going to therapy. What I mean by that is that I know how to deal with my negative thoughts when they arise. I have learned to question them, to look at them objectively, to be more realistic, even though it sometimes seems impossible to do. These are the techniques I have learned over the years, and I think they are pretty universal in the sense that all the negative feelings in my body are caused by negative thoughts (including my social anxiety, which I think deep down stems from a feeling of being wrong or inadequate), and I think from a logical perspective, the best way to deal with these negative thoughts is to force yourself to be more realistic and less all-or-nothing thinking (which is the case with most of my negative thoughts). That is not to say that this is easy. I still find myself unable to do this with succes, meaning I dont find immediate relief by doing this. But I keep doing this every single day in the hopes that one day I wont have these automatic negative thoughts. Seeing therapsits is still okay though. I find it comforting sometimes to talk to a professional about my thoughts, so I know that I am not alone. Also, sometimes the therapist can tell me something I hadnt thought of before. But I do believe I have mastered the techniques of CBT, which is the crucial part of therapy in my opinion. I just hope that eventually I will beat my social anxiety and the rest of my mental health related issues. Despite my hopelessness, I still do everything I can to beat it. And things have gotten better over the years. I went from being hospitalized every few months to not being hospitalized at all, to having no social life to having a small circle of friends again, to being on welfare for a few years to studying again. So I know - objectively - that things have gotten better. But for some damn reason it doesnt make me feel hopeful. I still feel the same sort of hopelessness I have felt throughout the years. And I still struggle with social anxiety, body image issues, anhedonia and you name it.
  16. Thanks for the replies. I don't really isolate myself. I go to university, I have a small circle of friends I see a few times a week usually, I take public transport to university and from university, and I do shopping etc. by myself. So I don't really isolate myself as much as someone else with social anxiety might do. However, I still cant feel comfortable around others, which means it is hard for me to WANT to socialize. Also it prevents me from getting a girlfriend. @Sophy How did you overcome it?
  17. Today I went to a local football club to volunteer (I go there most Thursdays to help cook dinner for the players in the club). When I first arrived, I felt okay. I felt a bit tense, but usually I feel more tense in social situations. However, the more I stayed there, conversing with the others, the more tense I began to feel. Thoughts about me being fat and disgusting started invading my mind, which made it impossible for me to relax. Then my mind started going crazy, and I began thinking 1000 thoughts a minute, mostly about how fat and disgusting I am, but I also start analyzing what the others are thinking about me a lot. I feel 100% unable of calming myself down, and the more I stay there, the worse I get. Eventually, after we were done cooking and I was headed home, I just felt AWFUL. I felt so bad for feeling fat and disgusting; I felt bad, because thoughts of them not liking me had also crossed my mind; I felt bad because even though I LIKE the people down there, I just cant seem to get myself calm and relaxed to actually ENJOY being social with them; I felt bad for feeling like such a failure for not being able to relax these thoughts and calm myself down. Due to how chaotic it feels, it is very hard for me to narrow down what it is that goes on inside my head in situations like that. But this is some of it at least. My social anxiety or whatever you want to call it is so disabling that I want to **** myself. It is such a loss to not be able to feel comfortable around other people. I cant get a girlfriend because of it. I feel too tense, too awkward, too insecure to even want to get a girlfriend. If I felt relaxed and comfortable, I would get a girlfriend. But I just cant as it is. I dont know what to do. I have done everything in my power to overcome these problems, but I just cant. I dont believe life is worth living when you have an illness that disables you and takes away all joy in life. It is such a loss. Can anyone relate?
  18. Trying to make people feel guilty for not replying by saying you are going to cut yourself is not cool. And then proceeding to say "this forum is weird", because someone posted after your self-harm post is also not cool. People on these forums have their own struggles, you know. Don't force your troubles onto others. People will respond in time if they feel like they have something valuable to say. If they dont reply, either quickly or at all, dont take it personal; mainly it is because people dont know what to say. But trying to force people to reply by saying you are going to cut yourself - that is not okay.
  19. Thank you very much for replying to my thread, Epictetus. I consider myself a person who likes/tends to think a lot about the meaning of life and what not, just like I can see you do. You strike me as a very intellectual and philosophical person, which in my book are good qualities. Although I found the part about Gabriel Marcel (whom I have never heard of by the way) a bit abstract and difficult to understand, I do think I get your point. According to Marcel, there are problems and there are mysteries. The difference between the two is that problems can be solved, because we are able to dissect the problem into components, which we can analyse and come up with a solution. We basically have all the tools needed to solve the problem. Mysteries, on the other hand, is something we cant solve, because mysteries are greater than us. It is beyond our capacity to solve these, hence why they are called mysteries. I guess asking the question: "Why did my mother have to die from cancer?" is a mystery, simply because one cannot answer that question. I guess your point is that the questions I asked in my first post would - according to Marcel - be considered questions without answers, hence mysteries. Although - if I understand you correctly - I do see where you are coming from, but I dont know if I completely agree. I find the line between problems and mysteries somewhat blurry at times. Asking yourself: "Why am I this way/why do I feel this way?" is partly due to how you were wired from birth, partly due to your upbringing, partly due to what experience you have throughout your life in general etc. But sometimes, even when you look at the above mentioned factors, these still dont completely answer the question of why I think and feel the way that I do. There is something beyond what we know that we just cant answer - and I guess this is somewhat why I would consider such a question both a problem and a mystery at the same time. It is a problem because we do know some of the factors contributing to the answer of the question, but at the same time it is a mystery, because there is still more to it than what we as humans can come up with. Do you understand where I am coming from? Anyway, as I am still learning about myself, I dont know if I would consider all the questions in my first post as mysteries (which I believe you do based on your previous post, but I could be wrong). I am still learning about myself, trying to figure out what is happening inside of me and why I do the things I do. I believe that realizing how your mind works can lead you into working on yourself and thereby treating it as a problem to be solved. Forexample, asking the question: "Why am I this way?" can be both considered a problem and a mystery at the same time, while asking the question: "Now that I know I am this way, is it good for me?" is to be considered a problem rather than a mystery, because I decide to look at it from a practical point of view. Now that I have been dealt this hand, how do I play my cards the best? Is it really working for me to be so obsessed with what others think of me, regardless of the reason why? Surely not. Anyway, I might have misinterpreted your post and if that is the case, I am sorry. Again, thank you very much for replying.
  20. Hey guys, This is going to be kind of an off-topic post, as I dont think it is 100% relatable to my mental health issues. However, over the past few years of my struggle with mental illness, I have done a lot of soul searching. Right before I got sick, I began studying business at a popular business school in my country. However, I always felt like something was off back then. I had a hard time picturing myself in any field, including business, but I had to do something with my life. I must be very clear here that I cant be certain as to whether it had something to do with what I was studying at the time, or if it just was a coincidence. A lot was happening in my life back then. Anyway, I had to drop out due to my depression and only just started studying business again after not having done anything with my life for 4 years due to my mental health issues. Now, I did say I did a lot of soul searching (and I still am learning about myself). I have always wanted to be very succesful in life. To make a lot of money and be very talented at whatever I was doing. Why? So others would look up to me and respect me. To feel significant. To feel like I was special. However, when I say it out loud, I realize how wrong it sounds. I think most of us deal with the same kind of problems, wanting to be unique, but I think that deep down, if the only reason you are doing what you are doing is to feel significant and get attention from others, I doubt it will ever make you happy. Or at least that is what I am starting to think. So I started asking myself: "Okay, now that you realize you were doing those things (and still am) for selfish reasons, what do you actually want to do with your life, if it doesnt have anything to do with getting other people to look up to you?". And this is kind of where I am stuck at the moment. I have been in this "wanting to achieve succes" mindset for so long that I dont actually know what I would do with my time if I were to let go of everyone elses opinion of me. I dont think I would strive for succes in the same way I did before. Maybe I am meant to help others on some way. But in what way? Maybe it is just my depression speaking and I am doubting myself... Or maybe part of my existential crisis has something to do with me needing to wake up and realize that what I was doing before was only to feel significant. Long post, I am sorry. Feel free to comment on anything.
  21. Havent exercised today, but I am hoping to go for a 30 min run tommorow :) Nice thread.
  22. Hey again @Sophy No, I haven't heard of Kintsugi. Sounds interesting. Problem is, I have tried to change my perspective - accepting the fact that everyone has body flaws, myself included. Accepting those "cracks" that you talk about, meaning accepting that my body doesnt have to be perfect. But I find it next to impossible with what I am seeing, when I look in the mirror. I found a statement from a psychologist concerning BDD, and this psychologist said that the way she deals with patients with BDD is to 1) make them realize and stop compulsive behaviour aka checking in mirrors, avoiding situations where your "imagined body flaw" is revealed etc. and 2) to increase self esteem in general. This is exactly what I am trying to do, as I find no relief in talking about my body imperfection. It basically doesnt change anything when people tell me its not a big deal. But as of right now, it is still a major issue for me. And I cant just seem to take the approach of looking at it as patina. It is just too ugly in my mind for me to do that.
  23. Thank you for these words, Sophy. They helped me a little bit :)
  24. Thanks for your replies again. I will try to make this short. I can already tell that this thread is triggering me now once I told you about my body imperfection... @Sophy I realize that most, if not all, have body imperfections. I have had other body imperfections since I was a child, and I have always had issues concerning these body imperfections as well. But now this is what is tearing me apart. Less attractive is kind of too soft, actually. I feel like they ruined my body. But yeah, the general idea is that now once I have these stretch marks (I don't even like typing it, thats how much it bothers me), my body will never be as attractive as it was before. And I dont really like to think that because I have this on my body now, that even superficial girls would find me less attractive. I want my body imperfection to not matter at all. Not to me, not to anyone. @uncertain1 I know you didnt mean to, but mentioning plastic surgeon triggers me a lot, because it makes me think that you consider stretch marks to be so bad that I need to visit a plastic surgeon. I know I am reading into your reply too much, but I cant help it. Basically, if this body imperfection isnt really a big deal at all, then I shouldnt need to visit a plastic surgeon. @sabiflitch I have been told by many people that I am an attractive male. And I used to believe that, until I got sick. So sure, there are parts of my appearance that I like, but this body imperfection - in my mind - ruins everything else for me.
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