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  1. Hi there As the title reveals, I used to be active on these forums some years ago, probably mostly from 2013-2017 or so. Used to struggle a lot with suicidal thoughts and I still have such thoughts on a weekly basis, however, they are much less invasive compared to then. Also, in 2013, I had to drop out of university due to my mental health issues. In 2017, I had recovered enough to begin studying again and in 2 weeks, I will be finishing the bachelor's degree that I was studying back in 2013. Anyway, so here I am and things have obviously gotten a lot better. However, I still do not feel happy inside. I still struggle a lot with certain symptoms, and I just do not feel like life is all that great. I feel meh mostly. Do you think I will ever find happiness again? I used to be happy prior to 2012 when I started getting sick, but it has now been almost 8 years and I still have not found happiness yet.
  2. Thanks for your replies. I am trying to work on handling rejection better, but most of it is just emotionally. And I cant just make my hurt go away when I get rejected. So somewhere down the line, my feelings of hurt have to be less intense when I get rejected and abandoned. Like you guys, I am also deeply afraid of being abandoned. I said rejection, but I could easily have said abandon as well. It has always been with me, I think. I think most people feel terrible after rejection, but for some people it results in suicidal thoughts and depression, like in my case
  3. I am beginning to realize that, probably most of my life, I have always been really, really bad at handling rejection. I don't know why, but feeling rejected is probably the worst feeling in the world for me, and I am only starting to realize how bad it really is. That is probably why I fell into a downward spiral after my now ex girlfriend broke up with me. I am also learning how very important it is to surround yourself with people who like you for who you are and want to be with you. I think it is one of the best ways to increase your own self-esteem. When you are around people who you don't have chemistry with or for whatever reason aren't fond of you, it makes people feel bad about themselves, or maybe that is just me. I guess it could be just me, since I have a tendency to believe that other people rejecting me stems from me being "wrong". Anyway, does anyone recognize this? Feeling really, really awful when being rejected to the point where you feel depressed?
  4. As the title says, I have irrational thoughts - concerning my body. In my country, there is a diagnosis called Schizotypy, which is the one I received a few years ago. One of the for the diagnosis goes something along the lines of "having ruminations about a defect body part", which basically means that the individual spends a great amount of time thinking about a part of their body, which the individual believes is ugly/disgusting when in fact it is not. Very similar to body dysmorphia. Out of all the symptoms I have, these thoughts bring me the greatest pain and suffering. However, despite me knowing that this is actually a symptom of the disorder I was given, I STILL cannot convince myself that this is all in my head. I believe it is the same deal for people with anorexia. Despite everyone telling the person with anorexia how skinny they are and despite how small the number is when they weigh themselves, they STILL believe they are fat. I think my case is very similar to that of an anorexic in that regard. I have tried meds and I have spoken to professionals about it in therapy. However, nothing has helped me with these thoughts. Over time, the other symptoms that I have, have improved. I have also gotten a bit more confidence, my social skills have improved etc. - but these thoughts have not improved whatsoever. Since other people cant talk me out of these thoughts, my strategy for a long time has been to distract myself. It seems to be the only solution right now to easen the pain of these thoughts. So my question is: How do I convince myself that these thoughts are all in my head? That what I see in the mirror is not what others see? And does anyone know how anorexia is treated?
  5. Thanks for wishing me happy birthday everyone. Had an okay day. I didn't feel so good in the evening though and thoughts of suicide started to enter my mind. I find birthdays odd, because on one hand, you are celebrating the day of your birth and on the other hand, I feel so hopeless and helpless that sometimes I would rather not exist. Kind of ironic to celebrate the birthday of a person with suicidal thoughts. I hope you are all having a nice day.
  6. It has been almost 6 years since I began to experience symptoms of a mental illness. Today I turn 25. I am still not happy, and I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, most of the time I am so tormented by thoughts and I feel so hopeless that I consider ending it all. However, I will continue to fight my demons for a while longer. Hopefully, somewhere in the near future, I will be happy again.
  7. Because I dont. I think it is part of my condition. I guess it is what you call "hopelessness". Does anyone here, however, feel like things actually will turn out alright in the end? I would do anything to think/feel that.
  8. I think people hide it because being "broken" is being vulnerable and being vulnerable means you are at risk of other people taking advantage of that. So you put on a facade to hide your vulnerability in order to not get hurt/taken advantage of. I think that is why I am doing it anyway, to not give away the fact that I am extremely vulnerable.
  9. Been depressed for almost 6 years now without any breaks inbetween. Havent had a single good day in almost 6 years. Thinking about suicide on a daily basis is completely normal for me. However, I can't keep going like this for much longer. There comes a time when enough is enough. No one is meant to live life like this. This isnt how life is supposed to feel like. I get it that everyone has their ups and downs in life, but this isnt one of those downs that people talk about. This isnt even adversity. This has destroyed my life. It has taken everything from me. And I cant keep going on for much longer. I seriously need to find relief soon. I cant keep living like this for much longer, I feel.
  10. Finished first year of university today. Second semester is over, and there are no studies until late August. I feel a bit relieved, feel like I finally have some time to "feel bad". Been distracting myself so much with studies and exams lately, but just beneath the surface lies my feelings of hopelessness. I don't see a way out, but I keep walking down this dark tunnel. I hope one day to see the light.
  11. Hey Sage, Stay strong. You will feel s***ty for a while, but going back to him will only prevent you from moving forward and bettering yourself. Stay away from that guy.
  12. Less anxious than usual. But the chronic feelings of hopelessness are always with me.
  13. @UglyLoser Hey man. I saw your introduction video "Welcome to my channel...". I felt so bad when I saw the title and watched the video. No one should call themselves an ugly loser, man. It hurts me to hear someone talk so negative about themselves :( Not saying this to say your title and/or video is bad, not at all. It just made me feel sad to hear you talk that way about yourself. You are so much more than your appearance, and I havent even seen what you look like, so dont think I am calling you ugly. Just know that theres so much more to you than what you look like. Also, I lost my virginity when I was 19. I had a girlfriend for a little while, then she broke up, and I havent had sex since then. I am 24 now. So dont feel bad for being a virgin at age 21. Honestly, its not really bad at all. I know you wouldve liked to have lost your virginity at a younger age, but I dont think 21 is a very old age to lose your virginity at all. Maybe you have tried this before, but if I were you, I would definitely try to talk back to those negative "I am an ugly loser"-thoughts. They are just reaffirming the negative beliefs you have about yourself. You gotta try to break the cycle of negative thoughts. I dont know why, usually I dont get too emotional about stuff, but this video made me want to reach out, probably because I consider you brave and sincere and modest. I hope you one day find you way out of the dark tunnel you are in.
  14. If I will never overcome my mental health problems, I dont see much point living. Other people have beat depression, social anxiety and other disorders. So why shouldnt I? Believing that it will always be part of you is a very depressing thought. And I believe it prevents you from actual recovery. I have my own thoughts of hopelessness and suicide, but I keep fighting, because this cant be the end of me. If I were to struggle with these kinds of issues for the rest of my life, I dont see much reason to keep on living. And I know other people have beat depression, anxiety, borderline etc. So why shouldnt I? Why shouldnt you?
  15. I have learned so far from the different therapists I have seen that I dont think I can learn that much more from going to therapy. What I mean by that is that I know how to deal with my negative thoughts when they arise. I have learned to question them, to look at them objectively, to be more realistic, even though it sometimes seems impossible to do. These are the techniques I have learned over the years, and I think they are pretty universal in the sense that all the negative feelings in my body are caused by negative thoughts (including my social anxiety, which I think deep down stems from a feeling of being wrong or inadequate), and I think from a logical perspective, the best way to deal with these negative thoughts is to force yourself to be more realistic and less all-or-nothing thinking (which is the case with most of my negative thoughts). That is not to say that this is easy. I still find myself unable to do this with succes, meaning I dont find immediate relief by doing this. But I keep doing this every single day in the hopes that one day I wont have these automatic negative thoughts. Seeing therapsits is still okay though. I find it comforting sometimes to talk to a professional about my thoughts, so I know that I am not alone. Also, sometimes the therapist can tell me something I hadnt thought of before. But I do believe I have mastered the techniques of CBT, which is the crucial part of therapy in my opinion. I just hope that eventually I will beat my social anxiety and the rest of my mental health related issues. Despite my hopelessness, I still do everything I can to beat it. And things have gotten better over the years. I went from being hospitalized every few months to not being hospitalized at all, to having no social life to having a small circle of friends again, to being on welfare for a few years to studying again. So I know - objectively - that things have gotten better. But for some damn reason it doesnt make me feel hopeful. I still feel the same sort of hopelessness I have felt throughout the years. And I still struggle with social anxiety, body image issues, anhedonia and you name it.
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