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Everything posted by moocat

  1. i am having one of those days when I just can't get out of bed. I have this hazy feeling in my head and I don't know what I should be doing today. I haven't been out of the house in two days now and I really really should go to work, even though I don't really know what I should be working in at work and my contract is ending in less than two months. I feel like such a failure compared to all my friends. I read a story in the papers today about the work of one of the researchers in my previous lab. Somehow that just triggered feelings of my own failures, I know I should be happy for him but I just wished that I could have made the discovery myself. Instead, all my work so far had been so meaningless. I used to have such drive and motivation but now I just feel so apathetic. It's like I've learnt over the years that working hard just doesn't get you any where, and I have given up on life.
  2. Have you though about setting yourself challenges? Sometimes we just need a goal in life. This year, I've tried to set myself a goal to cook a new recipe every week and to travel to 5 new countries. It's been pretty fun trying to achieve my goals.
  3. I feel really aimless, like I am just floating through life and I don't know where I am going and for what reason
  4. I'm so sorry to hear about all your medical problems. Something I started doing a few years ago that I want to share with you. I started writing down little things that made me happy, and I kept this running list. Sometimes when i feel sad, I look back at my list and remember all the good things in the world. Life is made up of all the small moments. So maybe, just stop thinking about all the big decisions in your life, like gf, careers, and just think about the little things. Like how amazing hazelnut chocolate icecream can be!
  5. Hi Kabuto, I am as conflicted as you are career direction, but let me share some of my thoughts. It is hard to make it in the Arts field. This is not to say it is impossible, merely that is it hard, and therefore you have to have a lot of resilience of failure to succeed. Of course everything is possible, but don't listen to people who tell you everything is possible - you just need hard work and passion. Sometimes that is not enough and it is not a reflection of your ability but just how luck and life works. Sometimes you get lucky, being in the right place at the right time. If I am giving you career advice, I would tell you to go into non-profit/human rights and do Arts on the side. Remember the world is getting more and more competitive, so make sure as you are progressing in your career that you are gaining skills that are valuable.
  6. Kabuto, It is impossible to place everyone on a ladder in this world. There are so many dimensions to a person's life. For example, I suck at skipping rocks. I get jealous whenever we go to a lake and someone can skip a rock *five time* and I can't even make it skip once. But I mean, how ridiculous is that comparison??? Next time you feel bad about your sleeping problem, think about someone who has this genetic disease called Fatal Familial Insomnia. It is extremely extremely rare, but the symptom is that the person cannot fall asleep no matter what for 18 months and then goes crazy and dies.... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fatal_familial_insomnia
  7. Hi confusedsoul, I don't know what your life is like but I have felt what you have described. Like today, my mind is just blank. I just can't think of happy things anymore and I just want to cry. After suffering from depression all my life, I have come to accept that it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Have you thought about going to see a counselor? Anti-depressants could be an option. I agree with @sincere, in especially I've found physical exercise and keeping busy to be good strategies. Sometimes I just need something to happen in my life to get me out of a depressive state. Things like: a long holiday away from my usual surroundings, changing jobs, finding a new boyfriend, finding a new hobby, moving countries, have all nudged me out of depression in the past.
  8. Thank you for everyone's responses. I *know* that I should not compare myself with other people, but it is really difficulty to do! Our world is structured in such a way that most of the wealth goes to the top 1% and if you are not in that group, the world can be very unkind. I'm in science and I love it. I have loved it all my life. I used to go to the library when I was 8 years old and read all the books in the science section. I even read the whole physics textbook when I was 14. I am decently good at science, but nowhere near the top of the field. As I got older, I have come to know more and more talented people in the world and I just feel like I can't compete. You know, statistics shows that only 5% of a PhD graduating class will end up with permanent jobs in science. I guess the other 95%, no matter how passionate they are about science, are just losers. What I don't understand is why we can't have more scientists, artists, singers, writers etc in this world? Why is it that I have to be the top 5% (and that is 5% of the group of people who have PhDs, which makes it more like the top 0.05% of the world) to do what I want? I would stop comparing myself against others if the world is a little bit less competitive. If not being the very best means I can still do what I want.
  9. I have struggled with depression all my life, starting from the age of 12 when I questioned the purpose of life. Since then, I have had ups and downs. There are months when I am so depressed I can't do anything at all. It doesn't help that I am a chronic procrastinator. I have been depression free for about 18 months, right after finishing my doctorate degree. However, it seems to have returned in the last few weeks and it is making me really melancholy. I can't stop feeling that my career is not going anywhere. In some sense, this is crazy and it is very black and white thinking. This is like thinking Elon Musk is successful and achieving anything less is not enough. I have a very fragmented CV, with stints in lots of different fields. I should feel grateful that I have been given all these opportunities to try out things, working with the best people in the world. But because of the frequent career changes, I haven't made it up in the career ladder. I am at an age now where all my friends are moving up, or starting their own million-dollar venture, and I feel left behind. Being 30 also suddenly makes me feel old, like all the opportunities in the world have now passed me by and I have squandered my potential. I want to stop feeling this way. Any stories to share that could make me shrug off this grey fog in my brain?
  10. Life is not linear. It is not like school where you go to each grade, pass and move onto the next grade. As long as you are alive, you still have time to go do all those things - get a career, get married, have a family. At least that is what I hope. I am in my 30s now and recently started feeling very depressed about my lack of achievements. I compare myself to people around me and they all seem to be doing so much better. But then, sometimes I force myself to stop and think about all the things that I do have and that I have accomplished. Think about all the things you have accomplished too. <hugs>
  11. 1. maple syrup and French toast for breakfast 2. found a really cool company to read up on 3. did one thing on my to do list!
  12. I've been looking for work for the last four months. I've had three interviews so far. each time I prepared so well but still didn't get the job. it's so soul crushing! I have had a history of binge drinking alone but I have been so good until a week ago. I just lost it this week somehow and drank half a bottle of alcohol every night....
  13. hi everlong, irrational thinking is a sign of depression. I find organising drinks, dinner, events so hard these days because everyone has fluidic plans so even if they promise to come to your party, people cancel at the last minute all the time. it's not a reflection on who you are, just remember that! in terms of bad diet, sometimes you know you should do something but you just can't seem to do it. eating well, for me, definitely helps with alleviating depression and so does avoiding alcohol. can you set yourself mini goals each day? Say, promise to eat a healthy lunch, get through the day and reward yourself with a donut for afternoon tea? I find playing these games with my mind works for me. at least until I totally lose it and just sink into a hole and stop caring.
  14. my goals for the rest of the week: get to uni by 9am each day no more crying fits finish edits on one of my chapters
  15. thanks for your replies, Grace and everlong! I'm definitely angry at the situation but I can't talk about it with my husband because his mother has cancer. by sounding unhappy at the situation means I am uncaring. but then his mother has been dying for five years and I don't know how many more years it will take for her to actually die. this situation is making me hate his whole family. I just want to hide in my bed all day and use my mental energy to hate my mother in law.... I suppose that just makes me a bad person.
  16. sometimes I feel like that too. but then I'll always tell myself how terrible I'll feel the next day. I hate the feeling of a hangover and the long term health consequences. huuuuugs.
  17. the loneliness is driving me slowly crazy. I think our marriage is in trouble and I almost want to just get a divorce. I can't get up out of bed and I'm meant to be so close to submitting my thesis... I just don't have the motivation to even turn on my computer and write. every day is melting into the next and I just don't see how it would end. I need something to change in my life but I just don't have the energy to make it happen
  18. I am 33, got married 9 months ago and I have never felt more alone in the world. My husband left to go overseas to spend time with his family the day after our wedding and we have been in separate country since then. I understand why he needs to be there (sick family member) but I think mentally I am been going down hill for the last few months. I am slowly going crazy and have mentally decided that I want to stop loving him now to stop feeling any worse. I have suffered from depression all my life. My last major episode was 2.5 years ago, and I was on citalopram for about 2 years. I got off the meds just before the wedding. With everything happening, I didn't feel like i needed the meds any more at the time. I was ok for a month after the wedding but then I really started losing it. I would just sit in bed for hours and hours staring up at the wall and cannot physically get myself to get up. I would just sleep for 15 hours a day and just not want to be conscious. To top it off, both my hubby and I are unemployed at the moment. He got fired from his job just before our wedding. Due to his family circumstances, he decided to just go spend time with family and basically go back to live at home for free. I am finishing grad school but my stipend just ran out 6 months ago so I am living off bread and lentils whilst trying desperately to graduate. I have no job prospects at the moment, since my phd is in a pretty useless field. I feel like I have wasted the last 6 years of my life studying and my future is so bleak. I used to think I could do such amazing things after getting a 4.0 GPA in college, graduating summa *** laude. Now I feel like I will live under a bridge next month and live on food stamps... The only way my hubby can come home is if the sick family situation "resolves" itself. I don't want to wish death on someone but I feel like the situation is just so unfair on me as well. Sometimes thinking about what will happen to me next is just too hard. I would spend entire day in bed crying when I should be writing up my phd. I actually think I have slowly learnt to stop loving my hubby over the last 9 months. We haven't spent a single day together in the same place since we got married, it just makes me think that this marriage is not even worth it... But then again, maybe it is just my depression? I definitely feel like I am sliding ever deeper into an emotional hole in the last 2 weeks.
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