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alecman

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  1. Thanks guys for everything. I've been thinking about joining a gun club, pretending to have an interest in guns. Then apply for my gun licencse wich shouldn't be too hard with my clean record. Purchase a high calibar gun, find a nice cliff top, watch the sunset. Then blow myself off the cliff. Plus ill tie up any loose ends, write a note to whom it may concern. Yes I don't want to be here anymore. Im atlest going to end it in a dignified well thought out way. When I think about carrying out my plan, I actually feel hapiness.
  2. Still can't get out of bed. Feel so down it makes me physically ill
  3. Thanks man. That means somthing
  4. Well I always felt different from all the other kids..I can remember when i was in year 3 spending my lunch times alone, complaining to people I had no friends. Then in my first years of high shool I spent 2 years being ridiculed for having acne. I was just a kid, it never bothhered me until everyone pointed it out and made me very very self aware. My acne did go away eventually thankfully and i was grateful it did. I then had a bunch of girlfriends and things. But there was always this emptiness I felt. As for talking to people...I have no friends to talk to. I told my mum I wanted to **** myself. she said it would make her very sad, that's it. I wasn't trying to get attention, just some help. I've had to rely on myself all this time, but now I can't help myself as much as I try.\ I just feel this world is so superficial and un-caring I wouldn't miss it if I were dead. Not that I could, because i'd be dead. When you ask yourself why you shouldn't take your own life, and you can only think of answers why you should. I don't want to at all. Enough is enough though. I should mention my girlfriend or ex girlfriend now. She was awesome, she pulled me off the train tracks during one of my bad periods. She geniunly cared. She was always there when I was down. She could atleast teporarily cheer me up. Unfortunatly after 2 years things ended very confusngly and without really any closure. This was a few months a go. Im not all heart broken and depressed because she is gone. But my quality of life has definatly degraded badly since she has gone. I used to have a passion for guitar and music. But depression has slowly robbed me of that too.. I also see everyone destroying the planet, ******* and raping each other. Fighting of paper money (literally). That gets me quite down too. Another thing I really should mention. I was disowned by my dad at age 14. Last time I saw him he was threatening to beat me over un-washed dishes. He never called me or talked to me again. My parents also split up at age 7. Im trying to put all my cards on the table and get some feedback. I am a downer. I've lost my personality, i can't smile or joke without it being incredibly forced. Im just an empty shelll. There have been periods of times that I turned to hard drugs to fill the void where those good feelings should go. at age 14 I was smoking meth and dope and dropping pills without even asking what they were. I've cleaned myself up since then. But im sort of asking myself why? what for? I feel s***tier being healthy and clean. Which i have been for some years if you were going to say drugs are causing my depression.
  5. I wish I had answers for you..and me. I feel medication is not that way to go for me. To really put things in perspective im just an insignificant spec, just like th other 7 billion civilized monkeys, destroying the world we have been given in every way for our precious monopoly money. Now im just being negative. My goal..is to wake up in the morning and be happy that I woke up. Thats all.
  6. Always ween yourself off. In my opinion they pescribe all this stuff like candy...it's a big cash cow. Im sure it actually does help some people. I personally don't belive in the meds. So thats my problem, if meds don't help me, then what? I've tried excersise, working and relationships. If im not willing to open my wallet and my mouth for pills..is too bad then? deal with it?. We can't farm money off you. I have an open mind. Please anyone who may be able to help, don't be shy! I feel like im at a point where things are either going to get better...or worse and ill end up dead or self medicating with hard drugs or somthing.
  7. I've always managed to keep my head above water. But now im 18, when will it end? I don't think it ever will to be honest. If im just going to be like this, well im just wasting space. I feel like dying too.
  8. Wow thanks for replying guys. I have previously been to doctors, been put on anti-depressants. I have to say, I hated the anti-depressents. The side effects were very notcieable and unpleasant and ended up making things worse for me in the end. I also didn't like the fact that people were profiting from my shortcomings and getting me physically hooked on a drug. As for the support i got from the docotors and councellors. I found it all very clinical and depressing and in the end unfortunatly didn't reallly help. Not to say these things won't help other people, but it didn't help me. To me loosing my job was very insignificant to the fact that I can't find reason to get out of bed and not wanting to really be around anymore. I don't know why I feel so down. Maybe it's because I have 0 friends..or because Im lonely, but somehow don't enjoy the company of most people. I feel helpless. Im sick of this horrible sinking feeling eating away at me. As soon as I wake up, before I even open my eyes I feel this horrible emptiness and despair that makes me want not exist. Im only 18 and i see everyone else having fun and enjoying life. But im not, im alienated and i can't help it.
  9. Hi my name is Alec, im 18. I don't know what has happened to make me feel this way. But I can no longer get myself out of bed. I lost my job due to feeling so down and not being able to work productive and the people I worked with were sick of being around such a downer like me. I have no friends, I get no calls, no visits.I spent my 18th birthday alone (not by choice). I just feel like an insignificant spec, just a waste of space and recources. I met a terminally ill kid the other day and I would of gladly given my life to him. Least it wouldn't be wasted that way. I have a mum and a sister who im not very close to at all. I havn't heard from my dad in years. Even as a kid I remember feeling flat and having no friends. I don't know. Be nice to here somone else have an opinion instead of being stuck inside my head with my thoughts. There was a period of time when I first started playing guitar that gave me a sense of purpose..but sadly iv lost motivation to play that too, wich i feel really disapointed and guilty about. Is it possible there are some people who are just not meant to exist who have no purpose or meaning in this reality and it is is time to accept it and move on or forever be miserable without purpose? P.S I've had sex/relationships and all those things iv expirienced all that stuff.
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