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kiki48

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  1. My last (and first post) was me venting, but on a more positive note.... I will never stop trying. I am very upset right now, and I do feel that despite my efforts, much of my life is not in my control. But I will not stop trying. To use a Will Smith quote: " “The only thing that I see that is distinctly different about me is I'm not afraid to die on a treadmill. I will not be out-worked, period. You might have more talent than me, you might be smarter than me, you might be sexier than me, you might be all of those things you got it on me in nine categories. But if we get on the treadmill together, there's two things: You're getting off first, or I'm going to die. It's really that simple, right? You're not going to out-work me. It's such a simple, basic concept. The guy who is willing to hustle the most is going to be the guy that just gets that loose ball. The majority of people who aren't getting the places they want or aren't achieving the things that they want in this business is strictly based on hustle. It's strictly based on being out-worked; it's strictly based on missing crucial opportunities. I say all the time if you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready.” This is really how I feel. Failure does bother me, but I suppose it gets easier. I will continue to work even harder. Next semester, I will be at office hours TWICE a week for each of my classes, I will get another job. I will be on the look out for any and all opportunities that I want to take advantage of. I will lose the 20lbs I have gained by running and hiking. I will never stop. As far as I'm concerned, I lost the first 18 years of my life, and I will not lose anymore. If life doesn't want to give me what I want, I am going to take it. I am going to walk right up and TAKE it. I'm tired of not liking my life, and I'm not going to live this way anymore. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, since life isn't exactly on my side.... but I will pursue the things I want, and I will not be deterred by these failures.
  2. kiki48

    Not Intelligent

    I finally looked at my grades, after ignoring them for a few weeks, and as I predicted, I am disappointed again. It sure seems like no matter how hard I work, I always get the same grades. I really worked hard this semester to raise my GPA, so that I might apply for some of the real cool post-grad fellowships. But now, I have no chance. I know that life has obstacles, but it seems like everything I want has an impassable mountain in front of it. Nothing ever goes *better* than expected, always worse, or if not, just as expected. As I said in my post (sorry for posting so much, I realize the blog is probably a better place for this!!), I really want a better life for myself, but it seems like things just aren't in my control. I applied for many internships this summer, and didn't get a single one. And because of my grades, I now have an extreme fear of academics. I suppose I should start studying for the GRE, but I never do well on tests, so..... I also hate when people try and tell me what grades don't mean anything. Maybe they don't mean anything to you because you've already been academically validated. But you can not tell me that when I go to office hours weekly, slave over papers, just to get a B in a class. My parents aren't very supportive, and I can't live with them after graduation, and they will also not help me with money. So it was actually kind of important to me to get good grade so that I may get a scholarship, or fellowship or something. But now I'm doomed, I guess.
  3. Yeah, I would actually love to travel. I think that's exactly what I need. I'd been trying to make that happen for this summer, but it fell through :(
  4. Was feeling down, so I came back to read this. Thanks for this, it does make a lot of sense. I do feel that I have a lot of intense guilt and shame for not being a "normal" person (having dated, grown up with a lot of friends), and I find it difficult to reconcile this whole "You've got the whole world in your hands" mentality that a lot of people my age have. I mean, being 21 and an adult, I am freer than I ever been in the past, so it's not exactly like I'm longing to go back there. It's like...I'm longing to go back to a different past. Do you, or does anyone else have any suggestions on how to deal with this guilt and shame? I go through cycles sometimes where I find it very difficult to accept where I am in life, even though I know, objectively speaking, I have worked very hard and overcome some serious obstacles and that is something I should be proud of.
  5. I'm 21, and grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive household. I've also never had a boyfriend before, been kissed, etc.. The only meaningful relationship I've ever had was with my grandmother. Today, as my last friend finally fell in love, I just broke down. I've been crying for hours. I want to know why the universe feels that I do not deserve love. Why I do not deserve a normal life with healthy relationships and experiences. I've tried it all. "Focusing" on myself. I go to the gym, I have lots of activities that I do. Up until recently, I went out a lot (I'm at college), and still nothing. People are starting to make fun of me. My parents call me a lesbian (nothing wrong with that, it's just that I'm not one), my friends are constantly asking "Sooo, any guys?". My friend and I got into a fight once, and her go-to insult was "You're just angry, because you're going to be forever alone." I feel bullied, I feel ostracized, I feel like as far as I thought I'd come, I'm still the odd one out, the crazy one, the one that will never be normal. Even my gynecologist judges me. When I go to get exams, she asks me like three times. "You never done ANYTHING sexual?" I don't know what to do anymore. I have started to accept that I will have very few meaningful relationships in my life. I don't have anymore hope to give. For 21 years, I have hoped. I have given everything that I have. I just want to be normal. I already have so much heavy emotional stuff to deal with, I had hoped this wouldn't be one of them. I give up. I'm sorry.
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