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Graymouse

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  1. I'm a freshman in high school. Since about seventh grade, I have been feeling sort of depressed and a lot of times have taken those online quizzes trying to find out whether I have depression. They usually give me results somewhere in the mild-moderate range. Starting high school has been hard, especially with a friend I am worried about. I got more worried after someone we knew committed suicide and rumors involving my friend were flying around. So I talked to a school councilor about her. The councilor recommended that I should see a therapist, which seemed weird given that I was there about my friend. But my mother thought it might be helpful and she signed me up for that. It has been helpful, and it is nice to have someone to talk to outside of my family. Then I recently went to the doctor, because I haven't been getting a lot of sleep, and they had me take tests for anxiety and depression. Apparently I have "severe anxiety" and "moderately severe depression" and I was given a prescription for prozac-type stuff. It is supposed to help me get more sleep and be happier, which I guess was my goal, but it all just seems really sudden and more intense than I was expecting. This is because the things people are usually depressed about in high school (relationship problems, bullying, school failure, family and economic problems, a past traumatizing event) don't apply to me. I don't self-harm, and I've never attempted or seriously thought about suicide. It's not like I have a perfect life, but there's nothing hugely wrong. My main problems are kind of connected: I don't get a lot of sleep which gives me little energy during the day, as a result I don't get a lot done during the day and can't bring myself to do my homework or anything until really late, and then I stay up stressing about everything I still need to do and everything I did wrong that day, which keeps me up later and makes the cycle repeat the next day. Also, sometimes I feel like I take other people's problems on myself, and they become my problems. There's just so much pain in the world, and it's not my pain, but it is in the world, and I am in the world, and so it's my pain, too. Does that make sense? The other night I was just laying there at 11:00 with 2 hours of homework left to do because the thought of doing it was just overwhelming. My mother said she feels like I want to be sad, or try to or something, like I want to complain but I don't want to fix anything. Part of me feels like she's right in a way. Since nothing super bad has ever happened to me, at least not that I know of, I feel like it's my fault I'm depressed. Like I'm doing something to cause this. Sometimes I feel like my life is a movie or something, like I'm kind of watching myself, and I want to look a certain way to the world. I don't WANT to be sad, but it's like I'm too tired to try to be happy. Is being depressed and anxious something that is my fault, that I'm doing to myself? Can I fix things by just changing the way I think or something? And how do I do that?
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