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  1. I feel like doing nothing. I didn't do anything this weekend. I laid on the couch and didn't have the motivation to do anything. I don't want to do my job anymore. I don't want to live here anymore. I did spend a little time looking on the internet for other jobs and places to move to. I'm not in the position right now to make those big changes. I'm tired of the responsibilities, the chaos, the worrying, the guilt. I'm tired of feeling like crap and having no motivation. I now have family issues that are adding to it. I have an adult son living with us who is going down the wrong path. He wont respond to my advice and gets p***** off when I try to talk to him. He's worse off than I am. It just adds to it because its just one more thing to make me feel like a failure. I'm really having a difficult keeping myself together. I want to quit everything
  2. I feel completely inadequate right now. I can't deal will feeling like a complete failure all the time.
  3. I couldn;t get myself to do anything yesterday (saturday). I did clean the kitchen. I'm currently semi-obsessed with keeping that clean. I guess its the only thing I'm really putting energy into around the house. There's so many other things I need to do around the house. I can't do anything during the week because I'm mentally exhausted from work and plus I have to do things for work in the evenings. Tons of stuff I need to do outside. I actually enjoy yard work and making everything look good. But the crux of my problem is I unfortunately have the philosophy of "why bother, it doesn't make a difference anyway". Most of my life I've worked hard to accomplish things and hardly any of it has paid off. So why bother right? Either it doesn't work or I'm not satisfies with the results. Today I'm going to try and force myself to do something outside. But I'v got so much other stuff on my mind. Work is draining me. Some family stuff is completely depressing me. Yesterday I got a call from my mom wanting to discuss some of it. That wasn't happening. She worries about stuff more than me and it brings me down even more! Ive got enough stuff to worry about than to have her add to it. I just want to escape. I know I've said this a million times but I'd love to pick up and leave everything behind. Take the wife of course, she's ok. But sell the house and move to Ireland, or France or Costa Rica, or the Virgin Islands. I just need a change. I feel the overwhelming pull of needing to escape my problems. Today is my wife's birthday. Fortunately she has a plan today to get us out and do something. Her birthday so I can't refuse. We have tons of wineries around and there's one on the grounds of the ruins of an old early 1800s mansion. They have huge mature oaks and gigantic boxwoods surrounding the brick ruins. Its very calming and relaxing, especially with a glass of good chardonnay. It should ease my mind, at least for a little while
  4. Unmotivated. Yesterday I actually got a lot accomplished around the house. The house was a complete mess. My daughters were having friends over so it kind of forced me to clean. A rare moment when I feel accomplishment after I do something. Although I know it won;t stay like this. So today I don't feel like doing anything. I still have a ton of things I need to do around the house. But I'm just not feeling it. I could easily sit on the couch and do nothing all day but then I would feel guilty. There are things I want to do but I just can't force myself.
  5. I feel like giving up. I'm completely unsatisfied with my job. plus its stressing me out!! I have nothing to look forward to. When I do force myself to do something i like I dont' get any satisfaction out of it. It feels like my life is crumbling around me. The house is a complete mess and I have no motivation to clean it. My wife and I can spend hours on it and it doesn't seem to make a difference. Starting to have family problems with my adult son who living here. Its just crap I don't want or should not have to deal with. He has a ton of problems and I can't handle all my crap and his crap and keep the peace between everyone in the house. why can't I be happy and satisfied. I have a great wife, great kids, a good job (despite all my bi-ching about it). I don't understand why I can't be happy with what I have. Its not like I necessarily want more. I could always use a little more money but on the whole I ought to feel "blessed", for lack of a better word, with my situation. Why can't I be satisfied?
  6. very unmotivated. obsessed with wishing I could change the past. lots of things i wish i could do over. right now I just wish I could be satisfied with my life and that I had a little motivation. Right now I'm just doing what I need to get through, bare minimum
  7. Its been a few months since I've posted on here. I feel bad and unappreciative saying that I've been off all summer because of my profession. I know a lot of people have worse situations than mine, so it makes me feel guilty b-----ing about my circumstances. I dont expect anyone to read my ramblings, I'm really just typing this for my own good. I couldn't wait for the school year to end in June. Another year feeling completely inadequate and overwhelmed. Another position opened up at my school, one I've been waiting for a while, and I didn't get it. So another year stuck in a position I don't really want. I shouldn't complain. Its a decent pay check and its really not a bad gig. Its just added pressure that i have a hard time handling. Pressure to keep up with all the paper work and pressure of being in a discipline that I'm not entirely comfortable with. I don't like feeling stupid. I feel inadequate enough. I'm capable of the academics but to help teach it thats another story. I just want to teach something I feel comfortable with and that I'm good at. Anyway, I feel like I'm complaining about stuff that isn't the end of the world. I had a lot of plans for the summer. I wanted to get back into shape, lose a few pounds. I knew I was going to be teaching a math I haven't seen since high school, so I was going to refresh over the summer. I had plenty of other books I wanted to read. I wanted to do a little fishing. Instead I sat around the house doing nothing. I couldn't motivate myself to do anything. After only a few days of being out of school all I could think about was this coming school year. I fixated on the calendar worrying that the summer was going by too fast. My wife reminded me that we had 2 months. 2 months f'ing months, which is a long time a$$ time for vacation!!! I know, I don't deserve any sympathy. But all I could do was worry about it going by too fast. I felt the school year was just around the corner and I didn't have time to do anything. I managed to get into the habit of going for a bike ride in the mornings, but after a month I couldn't tell a difference in my physical progress. Then my bike was stolen and that ended my exercise. I never cracked open the math book to study. I started reading a few books I had wanted to read over the summer but I never got past page 100 in any of them. I went fishing once. didn't catch anything so I didn't bother anymore. I want to enjoy it. I thought it would be a good way for me to relax, but it does the opposite. I get really frustrated when everything doesn't go according to plan. At the end of the summer my 21 year old son quit his job and had to move back here which causes great tension. He has no money, no car, no job, no direction, no motivation. he's probably more depressed than me (although I'm at the point where I can handle it better than him). He's been sitting around the house doing nothing for the past few weeks. He says he wants to enlist in the air force, which is what he needs. But he's not doing anything to improve his situation. I can't have him sitting around here long. He's difficult to get along with. I try to give him advice but it irritates him and he gets irrational. "He's right and knows what he's doing". He hates being here, he doesn't get along with my wife, and it causes tension between me and her. I just can't handle all the conflict, the chaos, and disappointment in my life right now. I want simplicity and peace. I don't want chaos, pressure, and disappointment. But life inherently has all that stuff in it. I either have to do my best to minimize it or just deal with it. Right now, my house is a freaking mess, I need to clean it but it will just get messy again. So whats the use?! I have school work to do. I have a million IEPs addemdums that I have to start on for school. My yard is out of control. I don't feel like doing anything because nothing ever seems to improve or be the way I want it.
  8. I've been off my anti-anxiety meds for a few weeks. I don't have time to go to the dr. and I don't feel like spending $100 just to talk to the dr and have him refill the prescription. I could definitely feel it when I went off but its not getting worse. So I'm dealing with it. Right now i feel like running away. I'm tired of feeling like a complete failure all the time. I'm a fairly smart guy. I have a good job but I feel like I suck at everything. I feel like digressing just to take the pressure off of me. Maybe to justify my lack of self-worth/esteem. I don't know. But I'm having a difficult time keeping my s--t together. I'm tired of posting the same thing on here. I know my wife is tired of hearing me complain about the same thing all the time. I want this to change. Life is too short to feel like this all the time. There are so many things in this world that I want to see and do. I have plenty of things I enjoy and look forward to but I can't seem to focus on those things over all the negative crap that dominates my thoughts and emotions.
  9. I feel irritable, completely inadequate, frustrated, very anxious, and regretful. Whenever I feel unsatisfied with my life, which is often, I feel regretful about my past decisions that lead me to where I am now. Although I'm not doing bad I'm still unsatisfied. I would give anything for a do-over in life. I obsess about all the poor decisions I've made. It keeps me up at night thinking about what I could have done differently.. The problem is I don't know where I want to be. When I fantasize about what I'd like my life to be like I can never decide what I want. Even in my fantasies I'm not satisfied!! I know there's no reason to worry about things I can't change, but even when I've done things to correct them it hasn't worked out. I didn't go to college after high school, so I busted my a-- to go to school and graduate in my low 30s. Nothing came from the 7 years I spent getting my BS. So around age 40 I spent another 3 years getting a teaching endorsement. I have a teaching job but its k--ling me. I don't know what else to do. I'm 44. I can't go back to school now. I'm not sure what else I can do with an anthropology BS and a teaching license. I feel like giving up at this point. I'm tired of busting my a-- and not being satisfied with the results.
  10. No motivation. My body feels like s--t. I've been battling a slight headache all day. I feel like I have no strength.
  11. I'm tired of feeling inadequate. I ran out of my clonazepam 2 days ago. The anxiety hit full force this morning. I've got nothing to look forward to. Its just the same s--t every day. Struggling to keep my head above water
  12. I'm at work and feel like quitting. This is too hard for me. I can only take so much of hearing "this class is boring" or " this is my worst class of the day". The students absolutely do not care and I can't seem to do anything to make them care. I'm not sure I'm cut out for this. I'm too idealistic, too hard on myself, too depressed, too unmotivated. I don;t know what else to do. Even though its not very much, I wouldn't be able to find a job that makes the salary I do now. I have no other experience. I was in the army for 5 years after high school, I worked minimum wage jobs in the 90s' and manufacturing jobs until 2009 when I started teaching. I'm not going back to working in a f--ing factory again. I want to teach. I think i'm good at most aspects of it. But my deficiencies are ******* me. I'm in escape mode right now. I want to pick up right now and just move. leave all this behind. start new. But I can't. If I wasn't married or had kids I'd probably get in my car right now and drive far away
  13. I identify. I've never done the IEP writing, but I've participated in all my son's IEP meetings. I'm also a terrible procrastinator, but I find that if I set a time limit for when I work, that helps. I set the timer for something short like 10 minutes. Then during those 10 minutes I do nothing but the task I've assigned myself. When those 10 minutes are up, I get up and relax--for however long I need to, then go do another 10 minute chunk. I chunk like this until the task is completed. I am always surprised by how much I get done in 10 minutes. Believe me, shanebv2, I have to do it this way--and it's not IEPs it's whatever paperwork I do on behalf of my son. His SSI/SSDI, contact with social services, and whatever agencies. Paperwork stinks. FWIW, I'm ADD-primarily inattentive, recently diagnosed. I know those feelings of despair about the battle between what I see as needing to get done and the need for a true workless day! I hope you can relax and enjoy some of the weekend. You're doing a fine job. You're a teacher and you work long hours for not enough pay and appreciation. Please give yourself a little credit and have a good day! Thanks for the positive comments. they really do help
  14. Anxious as hell. Worked all day on school stuff. Still feel like I'm not ready. I have a ton of stuff to make sure I get done tomorrow. Too much s--t to do , not enough time. I procrastinated a little too much on a few things and its coming back to haunt me. I only have 2 clonazapams left so I need to refill. They take the edge off a bit. I can tell a difference when I stop taking them but when I'm on them I still feel anxious. It was a beautiful day outside and I was stuck inside obsessing over getting all my stuff done and perfect. I wish I was more organized. I think that would help. Its a skill i didn't learn when I was younger and I'm paying for it now. I'm getting better but in my profession you need to be 100% organized at all times or you get swamped quickly. Overall I don't have too much to complain about. Right now its just excessive worrying.
  15. I know I must post this every weekend, if I don't I at least think it, but I can't enjoy my weekend because all I can do is worry about my job and what I have to do on monday. I have an IEP to start on this weekend and lesson plans to come up with. It will have to wait until tomorrow. I don't feel like I'm doing a good job, I'm tired of feeling like a failure all the time.
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