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About Antmans_Axe

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  • Birthday 12/10/1991

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  1. Sounds like you have talked to all the right people. Do you really think like you cant exist outside we types of facilities? Is there any possibility that maybe you just need a longer period to get into a better place and slowly reintegrate?
  2. Friends, colleagues, brethren of all kinds, I have been dealing with depression for 5+ years and I think about suicide a lot. Recently I moved in with a friend. It has been a big move for me; leaving a place I have lived in for nearly 10 years, a short time (3-4 months) after a break-up from a relationship of 2+ years. While I've been making a lot of positive changes I have noticed some bad habits have continued, mainly ruminating about the past and as a result putting my negative thoughts and feelings "on" to other people. I really want to stop doing this. It is becoming a barrier in my relationships, particularly this friendship with this person that stuck their neck out to let me move in with them. Sometimes it doesn't even take me saying anything for people to pick up on how bad I feel and it affects them negatively. I've tried writing more and that does help. I've begun exercising some and that helps too. Some days I just feel so awful I can't seem to do anything to get out of that negative space without setting some of those feelings thrown onto the people around me (something that negatively affected my previous romantic relationship as well). I would like to hear from some people who have dealt with depressed mood for long(er) time periods. How do you cope? How do you keep from your feelings and thoughts from negatively impacting those around you? What have you done to take a step back and recognize when you're talking about your own stuff too much? AA
  3. Hello all, It's been a while since I've posted about myself. I'll give you the rundown of my current situation -Living at home -meds working well but improvement is slow -Working a part-time job, barely making the bills -At home most of the time doing f*** all I'm a person that has the 1 yr., 5 yr., and 10 yr. plans. I've always projected into the future. I've been living at 90 mph for a long time. My problem now is that my long-term goals and aspirations have to wait for my recovery (unable to work full-time due to hypersomnia). Since I only work part-time I never have money to do much and the majority of my friends live over an hour drive away. So, I have all of this time and no motivation to do anything and I just can't do much of anything towards my long-term goals. My question to you all is, what are some things you have done to focus on the short-term, and have you all had any success in finding hobbies that you enjoy? AA
  4. ECT is usually a kind of last resort if other things haven't worked. It has proven to be effective but has the possibility of permanent side effects. I have never had it myself, but that is what the number say. Have you been on medication for a long time? Have you had CBT therapy? I'm all for taking the medical professional's opinion over my own, but I would be a little suspicious of a referral for ECT without trying a myriad of other things first.
  5. I myself am a misanthrope; people are f***ed, they truly are. However, just because I hate humanity in general doesn't mean I can't enjoy the few good friends I have. If you go a little further out from your mental box you'd see that you really just hate humanity as a whole and you have no reason to hate every person as an individual. There are some great people out there; it surely doesn't override or balance out the bad in my opinion, but why should you limit yourself based on averages? That's my piece anyway. I think if you looked at removing yourself from life and projecting how that would effect others you'd find that you don't hate everyone and that the people that are important to you do indeed matter quite a bit. I might get the ban-hammer for this, but oh well... AA
  6. Hey Luc, I felt a lot like you did when I was your age. I actually still feel very misunderstood. It seems to me that you don't really fit the general sociological model rather than simply the ones related to gender. Society makes it so that you have to play by a certain set of rules to operate within it. People that are different in either constitution, personality, or disposition is extremely hard for people to figure out/ relate to. Social anxiety is something that is especially hard to understand for people who haven't experienced it personally, or through someone else. That is probably the most unfortunate thing about mental illnesses is that when you have trouble doing things that most people do naturally and without any thought, they view you as being helpless, or just "not trying hard enough". Even the one's we love can do this to us, albeit unintentionally. The bottom line is that it is okay to be different. It was around your age when I decided that I would embrace being different and not really care too much about what other people thought of me. Once you lift off the weight of social acceptance off of yourself, it feels so much more natural to just be yourself all the time; rather than trying to fit something that you are not. I',m confident that you will figure it out. There is a ridiculous about of life ahead of you, so don't stress out too much. None of it will matter in the end anyway. AA
  7. Jack, In the States we say "class" as you say "year" so its a totally reasonable mistake on both our parts If you go to a primary care doctor it will be like any other visit; the questions will differ slightly. They'll focus on your medical history, family background (genetic), and the symptoms you appear to have. The only difference with a psychiatrist is similar to any other specialty doctor; they have more background knowledge on the subject, and are more trained in recognizing/ assessing potential mental health concerns. The benefit of a psychiatrist is that the initial visit is very much like a casual chat like one you would have over coffee, the main difference is the subject and the place (although some doctors have really nice offices that sort of feel more like living rooms). Seeing as you're an engineer I have a much better idea of who I'm talking to ha. I had several friends in college that were engineers of various types. My major was biology so by default I had no less than 50% women and in some cases it was a 60:40 women:men split. Engineering you're looking more at around 5:95. So that alone limits you. I would absolutely suggest getting involved in something. Your school probably graduates around 2,000 a year by the sounds of it and that is plenty big enough to have a decent offering of clubs and organizations you could be involved with. You can view it like sound waves, or just simple equilibrium: the more stuff you have bouncing around, the more likely you are to hit something. Dating is a lot like that. You just have to put yourself in a place where you are more likely to "hit" someone that you'd be compatible with. Don't take this as an urgent position though, rushing into something you may or may not like will not help you; pick something you know you'll like doing/ talking about etc. Anyway, college is the best time to meet people you have opportunities to interact with peole similar to yourself on a daily basis. You don't get this nearly as often if at all in the workforce. People meet through mutual friends all of the time. Meeting women specifically, isn't necessarily the goal. Having some more outgoing guy friends is just as good, if not better. As for the reputation thing. Being at a big school is great because you can mess up miserably with one girl, then go meet another one who will, more than likely, have no preconceptions of you at all. I'm happy to help. AA
  8. Jack, I actually am quite impressed with your delivery on my "challenge". Most people that would read a challenge on the internet, more than likely, wouldn't do it. So take some confidence in the fact that you did ask her out. It's not easy, for any guy, but the more introverted ones especially. It might not feel like it, but you accomplished something some guys never do, at least not that "one girl" in college. The other accomplishment is that this girl has friends, girls talk; girls talk about guys, so you asking her out will sort of "put you out there" for some other girl that she knows. You asking her out definitely made you a topic of discussion, if only briefly. H*ll, maybe if she were to break up with her bf later, she'd remember you and ask you out; who knows. I had a buddy go through a really long period where he liked this girl from our high-school, she treated it as a summer fling (summer before college too) while he had feelings for her for about a year before that. The whole thing really messed him up and it took him a good long while to get over the whole thing. Don't let that "one" get in the way of other possibilities. I know you probably can't resign all of those feelings, but just put them into perspective in a "other fish in the sea" kind of way. Also, I know the feeling of not wanting to be on "happy" drugs; I get that. I can tell you from my experience, that attitude will only hinder your recovery. I tried for months to "work through it" even with the help of medication, things still got worse. Depression isn't about your mood, (if it is then it's just being "depressed" not actual depression) the neurons and pathways associated with them are not working the way that they should chemically speaking. Medication doesn't make you "drunk" or sedate you into some state of analgesia, it just enables your brain to work the way that it always has before. To me, that is the biggest mistake both people with depression and the people around them is that they treat it like something that, "will go away with time", or, "is just a phase in life". You have to treat it like any other illness or disease. On that note I would suggest that you see your primary care doctor and tell him/ her about the symptoms, thoughts, and feelings that you have had lately. Especially if you are experiencing periods of mania (upswing), as "traditional" medication may just make things worse. He/ she may issue you a prescription right there, but I would ask to be referred to a psychiatrist if they would find medication to be appropriate for your situation.You might get lucky and take some low dose medication for 6 months, and then you'll be back to your old self. Or you may end up like myself and others on these boards who have been suffering severely for a few to several years. Also, medication may not work for you, that is the case with some people; it just doesn't do what it was intended to do. The point is, that you seek treatment of some form before it starts affecting your life more than it already has. Therapy sounds daunting/ dubious, but it can help you assess your situation. That's just my take on what you have described thus far. I do have a degree in biology and psychiatry, neuroscience, and medicine have interested me for some time, so I'm fairly well-read on the whole subject, but you can only get the best information from a trained professional. Anyway, kudos and favorable probability to you sir. AA
  9. Jack, First off, recognizing your genetic risk is a good place to start. Bipolar is quite inheritable and so having a parent with that disease you are actually very likely to have a similar, if not the same, condition. Secondly, it makes me laugh a bit that 700 seems big to you, but I'm not a person to gauge off.of since I graduated with roughly 8,000 in my class. Having a "love from afar" can be emotionally taxing. If there is , ne thing college girls like in guys, it's confidence. The stereotypical "frat" guy thinks he's the greatest thing the world has seen, and that's why women flock to that type, even if they are treated poorly. The second reason is that the last thing college girls want is a serious relationship; (this is all generally speaking of course) they'd rather have a guy who's fun and "safe" in the fact that a serious relationship will unlikely come out of it. Girls don't want to be tied down just yet so it's understandable that they would operate this way. (Not to imply that guys don't do this too) I am an intelligent and fairly attractive guy so interacting with women was never the problem, I just so happened to be an extremely sincere person, every time I started to get close, they'd push me away because they were too afraid of that "commitment" to a relationship. Many of them had been hurt in the past so opening up to someone is hard (for anyone really). Take it from a guy who's been there, if you look for something serious you'll more than likely be pushed away after a while. Women at this stage want to f*** and have someone to go out with; not becauee they are shallow wh***s or something silly like that, it's just because that is the stage of life they are in. Bottom-line: be confident don't take things too seriously and have fun with it. The results will be much better. Go ask this chick out for coffee or something and if she says no, who cares. I can.pretty much guarantee there will be someone that would be glad to go out with you. The pressure society pits on us to perform romantically is unreasonable and you shoul ignore it. Part 2: I would get checked by a doctor for your depression if you haven't already. You aren't doing yourself any favors by trying to swing it on your own. It's likely that you are dealing with something more than.just romance blues. Best of luck man, AA
  10. Hey Sal, I also made a comment in the post linked above. It has most of my views on life and other people as a society. What I'm seeing from your post is that you are a reasonably attractive woman that does not see herself as such, as well as a "broken person" because of your mental health issues. From this I suggest 2 things: 1) yu need to love yourself before anyone cam truly love you and 2) mental health problems don't make you a broken person anymore han.any other chronic illness does. If this guy really does like you then telling him about your mental health problems shouldn't be a problem; if itnis then he waant worth your time in the first place. As much as I love to hate the human race, I feel like you're missing that there are indeed good people in the world. Not everyone is a nasty person, particularly on the individual level. Valuing yourself enables you to take the,"**** you" approach; if they don't like you for you that's their problem. Maybe there is.something about.these people's lives that makes them act the way they do. That's no excuse for.treating.others poorly, but sometimes a level of understanding can.help you empathize with what they deal with. Long story, short: be honeat with your boyfriend and try your best to have a positive view on yourself; believe me I understand how hard that can be. I hope this helps you in some way. Your friendly-neighborhood cynic, AA
  11. Kid, I have 5 more years and a college degree on you and I'm in the same boat in a way. No one really figures out what they want to do until maybe their mid-20s. You have plenty of time to screw up, start all over and still end up at the same place as most people. The people that you talk to at school and your friends, frankly, know jack-sh*t about what they want to do, they just think they know; it's analogous to thinking TV is real-life and then going on set-of a movie, they're still in the TV stage. My advice from someone with high ambition. There are a few things you can do to help yourself along. 1. Assume you know f***ing d**k about life so don't feel bad for not having it "together", but also don't act like you know what the world is like because trust me you don't. (I sure as hell didn't) 2. Take school seriously: I know it feels like it doesn't matter, but if you skip that much and still manage to pass you're probably and decently smart person. You wont be happy in a boring job and the best way to get away from those is to go to college. A crappy HS GPA can ruin your chances of going to a good school that you would fit in. College may not, "figure things out for you", but you'll likely find out a lot about yourself and find things you like. 3. Don't worry about women: from what I can tell about you, you're probably the type that is the most attractive when you don't try at all. Also, the girls in high-school are girls you probably don't want to be with and you won't be able to carry that relationship beyond HS anyway. Wait until after HS and generally not give a f*** and the female problem will solve itself. 4. Don't waste what you've got: right now you have the ability to go a nearly infinite number of directions in life; it won't be that way forever. I have seen too many people that were just like you once and now they work jobs, smoke garden shrub, and are going nowhere in life at all.There are opportunities that you won't always have so use them. That's the best I have off-the-cuff and I'm still really young too so don't get in a rush to figure life out, you probably won't figure it out at all for another 8 years of so. These are the things that I would say to my 17 yo. self if I could.There are plenty of other older-wiser people and I'd listen to what they have to say if I were you. your friendly-neighborhood cynic, AA
  12. I am with you 100% brother. I actually hate human-beings to the point that if I had the chance to erase all trace of human existence from the universe, I would without hesitation. However, in addition to being your friendly-neighborhood cynic, I am also a realist. I could rant on for endless lines about how people do horrible things to each other (especially children and other innocents); but that won't help anyone. 200 years from no everything that you have done or said will more than likely be totally forgotten. Everything you do in this world, from a pragmatic stand-point, is totally meaningless. Also, since you exist in this world, and if you continue living in it you have to play by it's rules. Meaning that you still have to do certain things to operate in society: go to school/work, eat, breathe, clothe yourself, use manners, and so on. So, since you and I are here and none of the things we do really matter in the grand-scheme of things (the Universe, the planet), we may as well do the best that we can to promote the happiness of others and ourselves. Life is wanton suffering for a lot of people, but those same people can find joy in things just like any of us in the developed world (probably to a much more appropriate extent than us), such as a good meal, time with friends/ family, etc. You and I also have abilities, and you have abilities to do something that is different than the something that I can do. So if you can find out what that thing is, do it, and be happy doing it and help others in some way then you're doing about the best you can do. Can you be happy all of the time? No. Will things always get better?, still No Will things necessarily always get worse, maybe, but not necessarily; but you're alive and you happen to occupy the space that you do, so why don't you try and do what's best for your own and the life of others. Plus, there's no pressure since it's all totally meaningless anyway it doesn't matter if you succeeded or not; it only matters to you and those you effect in the time we exist. I'm sure others will disagree with me here, but your hatred isn't necessarily a bad thing. Hate, like love, is an emotion and is in and of itself, neutral. Hate is just famous for causing people to handle that hate inappropriately. Hate drives action, so if you hate something you're almost required to do something about it. You can use that hate to stew and ruin your own possibility of happiness; or you can take that hate and direct it towards what you think is wrong with the world to change it. Hate is extremely underrated. Anyway, food for thought on life from a hate-mongering misanthrope. Angry as always, AA
  13. SO, I guess I'm the only other person on here recently that has even heard of PHP so I'll weigh in. I had a lot of the same worries as you, it seems; "Is group therapy right for me?", "Can I really stand to be around people for extended periods of time?", "Will it really help?" etc. To be succinct, go. I had a really positive experience when I did PHP, being around other people that have dealt with the same thoughts, problems and issues with others as you is a big confidence builder. Usually they only have you go for 2 weeks or so. I found my time to be very therapeutic. Learning things from professionals and peers can really change your perspective on on the world and make you realize that maybe the way you're looking at things, isn't truly representative of reality. I can't alleviate any anxiety that you may have about it, but I would strongly encourage you to go; it has helped me a lot. Best, AA
  14. Hello DepCent, I posted a few months ago and I'm here giving an update and looking for advice and perspective. Short exposition, I am a 22 y.o. college grad and I have been dealing with my moderate/ severe depression for the last 2 years. About 6 months ago I lost my first job out of college because of my inability to make it into work and be on-time consistently. This was both alarming and frustrating to me as I’d always been someone who was hardly ever late and absolutely never failed to show up at all. Extreme difficulty in managing my fatigue and sleep patterns ended up getting me terminated, albeit on amiable terms with the company; understood my issues were purely medical. Immediately after which, I enrolled in intensive therapy at the local hospital and through input from the groups and social workers I realized that I had underestimated my illness and had unreasonable standards for myself. After four months of searching, I acquired a job at a local grocery chain stocking shelves during 3rd-shift. I certainly thought that I would be able to get something better and I had plenty of interviews, but few second-interviews and no offers at all. However, I understood that if this is the best that I could do for now, that’s just fine and I can stick it out until a new opportunity arises. After 5 weeks of truancy problems similar to the ones at the last job I was, again, terminated. Since losing the first job I have been slowly deteriorating. My medication doesn’t work the way that it used to, my symptoms are more pervasive and severe, and my financial situations has nearly crumbled. I have applied for disability through social security, something I thought I would never do, and my odds are “hopeful” at best. It’s to the point where I need some income to pay my expenses and work on some of my debt from the past 4-5 months of living expenses. If I were to try working again, I would need a disability accommodation for there to be any possibility of long-term success. I didn’t pursue disability earlier because of my underestimation and my desire to do the same work as everyone else. So denizens of the internet, do you have any experience with claiming disability in the work-place or through SSA, working through depression, or dealing with financial stress? Anecdotes are welcome, but not preferred, advice and insights are greatly appreciated. Thanks, AA
  15. One word; music. I've been thinking at 5000 rpm for about as long as I can remember. I over-think things constantly, but when I take a minute to actively listen to a song or album, it's like my brain is keeping pace with the music, and that's all. I've always been interested in music, but I've found that a lot of other people have benefited from just sayin, "F*** it, I need to go jam out to something and deal with life later" AA
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