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Everything posted by PsychT1987

  1. Probably the biggest thing is I opened up to my wife about events last night. Told her about the crying, the intrusive thoughts, and planning ways to go. Actually was a relief to talk with my wife. Also next week plan to talk to my mom and make her dinner tell her what's going on. That'l probably be the toughest part. Because my mom and I have a strong bond since I was 4 when my dad left. So figure make her a nice dinner and talk tibher about this new venture in life. Hopefully reassure her that it's not goodbye. Hope she can visit if it does pan out and maybe eventually move down that way with retirement nearing for her. As far as grandparents go will do all I can to keep in touch. Maybe teach them how to Skype. I know the Aunt can help them out with that. The pets will be tough to separate from. When having mental health issues form a strong healing bond with your critters. I have a strong feeling few friends from the area might move with us as time progresses and know a few friends who wouldn't mind visiting us. So hope isn't to bleak. Just have to persevere. This time not alone have my wife, which is a plus.
  2. For me anxiety, frustration, and depression come along with change for me. I embrace it and become stronger after it that is a fact. I know a trigger in my life is when I start a new job. Become a storm of emotions. The months counting down till I got married. Then add in moving in my wife moving away from my life been living for some time. Another change and more emotions, but I made it through it all.Fear of the unknown excaberates it the intensity of this storm. The wife wants to work towards having a child. I am excited, but worried because our careers are kind of flat lined right now. I looked into a few different careers changes over the past year, but little panned out. My wife and I are in school right now, but over the course of 2 years we hit a rut. Plans have been halted due to limited school options in our State. Financially we just pay bills and try to save, but it's difficult. Rents are expensive and have been living with the MIL for little over a year. Wife and I talked about a plan. Wife is 100% a go me about 80%. We done our research and found areas where both are current career are in demand. Within this area found more school options then we currently have in our State with lots more flexibility. Lower school cost and lower cost of living. Found rents that are $500 to $1000 less then where we currently live. Plus less times for SAD with winter only being brief and short. Also add in more activities we enjoy like comic conventions, running, hiking, kayaking, reading clubs, more clubs, and festivals. The crux is it's 8 hours away from family, pets, and friends. That idea is torture and tearing me apart inside. I have a huge fear of Death and feeling I never see thoss close to me enough. Feel guilty and will feel more guilty if O abandon them. Realize it could be for the best and only temporary. So many thoughts going through my head. How much life could change for those I am close to and not being able to be there for them. It scares me I don't know. I was up and down last night. Rough sleep cried a little. Then the thoughts of wanting to end my life sank in and trying to turn those thoughts off to go go bed was rough. Any advice insight feedback please.
  3. Hi, engaged 14 months ago and to be married to my future husband end of November. Really didn't think much, but a lot of things seem to be connecting. Over the past few months fiance' has been sending me text asking do I love him, am I important, if wasn't for you I off myself, I am sad, and so forth. In addition to, his mood has become very labile. Easily frustrated when driving seeing a darker side of him driving. Yelling, swearing, flipping people off, honking is horn, and so on. He is withdrawing more from me. He keeps telling me how he is afraid of death. Recently flipping through a journal found left open talked about how he struggles with living and just not wanting to be alive at times. When trying to confront him about this he denies it all and says he is fine. He feels his depression has ruined his life in the past because he believes denied him the ability to apply to certain jobs and being on medication made him gain weight in the past. He is very stressed about moving out where he lives, currently moved back with his mom 15 months ago. We are very stressed with bills lately as well living paycheck to paycheck. We plan to move in with the MIL up until June and look for a place to live after that on our own. Fiance' is also stressed because he has to leave behind when he moves his moms' cat and dog. He is very attached to the animals and he seems to be in great solace when around them. Fiance keeps telling me the pressure is on as he is returning back to school for nursing. He jokingly says if I can't finish nursing school no reason to live anymore to me. I am not sure what to do? Any ideas? Appreciate any responses or feedback.
  4. My mom wants to put her condo in my name. I just feel unable to process life anymore. It's toxic it's not toxic it's up and down. Concern is control letting my mom take control leads to a can of worms. Mom offered to help put me on her phone plan because it's cheaper. I pay it but now says it isn't enough.
  5. This is new situation at home. Because even the rent money I give my mom rarely goes to food. Mom complains it pays the bills which it does. However, my spends $80-$100 a week on cigarettes and alcohol. I was happy and relationship with my mom was healthy when I lived on my own for two year's. I was able to respond to the stress from my mom and family. I mean I still dealt with it calling me an "*****", "stupid", "wasting your life", and so forth. Now moving back home it just seems worse. It's not the negativity it's the support that turns to negativity. Say I am proud of you your doing great. Then turns to your stupid your the reason I smoke and drink. I can't wait till your no longer my problem. You make terrible choices in life so on and so forth. Now stressed over financial issue's. I only make $25,000 a year and have $10,000 of debt. I am stressed have to get my car repaired other driver insurer seems very sneaky. Did not even know was suppose to be given a check. They weren't very reluctant in giving me 100% coverage. My head has these crazy idea's going on about how my life will be ruined. This been leading to control issues my mom wanting to use the money to buy a new car and use her dealer thinking she'll get a better deal. Moments it's intense swearing at each other and name calling. Other times my mom just stops talking to me. Very stressful situation.
  6. My family is driving me insane. Keeping going back to thinking of walking away living in my car. Shower at the Y. Eat 3 home cooked meals with my fiancé. Jeep myself entertained with books from the library. Live in my car at the Walmart. Go on food stamps probably. Not sure how I can store perishibles or need perishibles. Can live off of bananas in the morning I figure can buy daily from Walmart. Walmart has a Subway can get 2 sandwiches a day for $50 a week. That can get me through lunch and dinner. Food stamps probably make that be $10 a week.
  7. Hi, posted a few times on here about stress. My family is a bit dysfunctional at times and kind of survival of the fittest. Normally talk about each other behind each other's back, which I assume is normal. My mom hasn't blamed me in awhile for her drinking and smoking. Anyways going off on tangents might be a bit through this post. I feel like a jerk when my mom and I talk about work. I become defensive and tell her that she has never worked in the environment I do. I feel guilty don't mean to have this superiority complex. My mom tells me to suck it up, your young, and should only focus on work. With my work I love my job. I am back doing a job I love to do. The hospital and Co worker's are amazing. Only downside it's part time, which most of the summer I am scheduled full time not to bad. However, I am variable shifts which means I work morning second morning morning second shift. My hours are all over the place difficult to balance life with work out. Especially since work is chaotic at times it's stressful just too exhausted or can't find time to burn steam off. That kind of happen to me where I became irritable and exhausted. Started eating more, sleeping less, and not exercising any more. I took two day's off to rekax, went camping when I had off of work in the middle of the week. However, mom kind of thinks blowing my money away when I should save it. I do need to save money to find my own place again, since living at home again since laid off last May. Anyways I put a transfer for a night position with work. I feel my boss will allow me to transfer if I train for this new position in the department to pick up extra hour's. However, with my schedule be working evenings then come in during the morning work evenings ahain. I am just asking to make myself worse. From my mom's comments I feel weak inferior. I don't know what's going on with me need some feedback.
  8. Feeling like a loser self absorbed selfish person. I don't know why. I feel guilty because my mom is upset over me I choose my fiancé over the dog. Mom going on about how she feels depressed, but tells me I am only dealing with life. I just don't care about my mom's issues while trying to deal with my own depression. So worried about getting this job or not or what I am going to do. It is consuming me having trouble focusing on other's worry makes me seem selfish. I want work to approve the transfer. They want to give me more houes, but I say no. Have family commitments bext week and dont won't to go over full time this week. I feel screwing myself out of this transfer. People want to do stuff with me outside of work, but it is too far to travel. I enjoy comfort of my home ha. I feel like a jerk.
  9. Mom is now wanting me to choose between the dog or my fiance based on the fact she feels will die soon. Ugh!
  10. Yeah schedule is tough especially when trying to respond to depression...deal with the mundane of being yelled at and surrounded by people dealing with similar mental health issue's. Normally a day shift ruins exercise as I leave at 6 in the morning up around 5. Leave work at 330 come home depending on traffic by 430. From there bathroom break and walk the dog. Then laundry if has to be done only have a few set's of scrubs, can't afford new pair yet. From there I make dinner, breakfast/lunch for next shift. By then it's 6 o clock either I exercise, see my fiancé, or just too exhausted to exercise.
  11. ^^^Thoughts of sadness and wanting to die. I can be happy and enjoying life, but those thoughts sit in the back burner slowly creeping out.
  12. Hi, lately been down, lost, and losing hope. Work schedule is having a major effect on my mental health with the lack of consistency, ever changing hour's, and never set schedule. In addition to, having at times too many day's off...work three day's off five day's or work five day's off for five day's. With time off I just want to withdraw myself from the world and then overwhelm myself with negative thoughts/thoughts to take my life. However, hoping to change it. It is a bit stressful a lot is riding on this new job prospect. Hoping to be transfered to a night job closer to home with my company working full time. That would allow me to have a consistent work schedule. Time to return to college. More income to pay off bill's and possibly indulge on activities to keep my mind preoccupied. Thinking will help with my mind is planning to join the YMCA and maybe a running/swimming club to socialize with people. A nursing student club at my community college or/and hiking club. Hope to get involved in some volunteer opportunities with my church. Maybe pick up an on call second job. Fiancé is starting nursing school in the fall so time together will be limited. However, we planned up until October to camp one weekend a month. Hoping to make another weekend trip to Cape Cod again. Also planning on going country/line dancing once a month. Also up to November planning to hike every other weekend. Also looking probably to learn a language and maybe do paint by number/work on book writing. Definitely going to read more hopefully watch less of TV. Planning to save up to fix and buy my car. Save up for the wedding and save up for a place to rent. It's a bit nerve-racking everything hinges on whether or not I get this job transfer, stressful.
  13. Sorry to hear thing's cab improve I know you can do it. Animals are amazing any more pets with you now? I enjoy night shifts the most. Just been use to working second and third shift without rotation for awhile. Rotation really causes me to be a bit out of whack.
  14. Wondering if anyone has ever dealt with depression due to work schedule. Past few year's always had a set schedule knowing what shifts and what day I be working. However, with my new job I the first four week's worked Monday through Friday with set shifts. Then next six week's was pretty consistent with day's off and shift working. With my new schedule past few week's been working random day's and mix of day's/evening's. Been working three day's some week, four day's, five day's. I feel guilty complaining like this regarding work. However, the inconsistency causes my depression to flare up. For some reason I miss work night's. I actually felt healthier working night's. Working day's is a struggle some reason the morning is the worst point of my depression get better has day goes on. Add in guilt of not working enough not feeling a team player. Difficulty knowing what going to make bi week with schedule being all over the place tough to keep track. I applied to a night job, but depressed I probably won't get the job due to being new and add in worrying how my boss will react when finds put applied for a transfer. Also job is bit stressful because I work in psych. So deal with a lot of people dealing with issue's similar to mind so constantly reminded of ny issue's and being yelled at random times through out the day wears you down.
  15. It's too expensive to see e a Doc. My insurance won't cover some doctors not eligible for state insurance. The copays are too much and medication is too much. What I make a month I can barely survive leaving me bankrupt if I saw a Doc. Will agree I need some psychotherapy hopefully be able to afford it again one day. The wait time is close to 3 month's or some places not accepting new patient's. Kind of a bummer. Appreciate the feedback though. If some say could see a Doc for free I would feel it help ten fold.
  16. Haven't really been on in about a month. Thing's are okay I guess. My moms relationship with me has it's up and downs in a bit of improvement. Still some boundary issue's just waiting for the lows to hit again. My relationship is going well prepping for the wedding 10/16. I guess in need of someone to talk to. I feel.guilty and ashamed when talking to family, friends, or my fiance about my thoughts. Family normally says either suck in up, our problems are worse, you have no issue's, depression is made up diesels, so on and so on and so on. Feel friends either are overwhelmed by me draining them and why I don't have friend's really, just co worker's. Maybe can't remember in past relationships and may in this relationship to can't recall. I know my fiance is supportive and wants me to open up about issue's affecting me. However, I worry my thoughts can be taken the wrong way. They come in go these thoughts really no rhyme nor reason to them. Had an amazing evening out to the movies with the fiance, saw Jurassic World, good movie if you haven't seen it. Even if feeling joy, which I do a lot with my fiance and just just in life. It's hard to explain that yes I am happy with you, but also sad at the same time wanting to not be alive. I assume it's going to be like this my entire life. I am not sure why it has become more prominent as I come closer to 30. I have my stressors that can exacerbate it. I am worried about not finding my career by time I am 30. Not making enough money to raise my family. Not getting myself out of a pigeon hole of credit debt. That my impulsive actions can have a negative affect on my life. Even with that I can be thinking of nothing just laughing and the thoughts come in. Appreciate you hearing me out. Have a good day.
  17. Woke up this morning with a pounding headache. Thoughts going a mile a minute last night only 3 hour's of sleep again. I was stressing out on the most simplest of thing's. Worrying about bringing my fiance coffee in the morning before her class. Was worrying where I go, how the roads would be, how the weather be, and so forth. Then woke up saw work tested about picking up extra hour's for any staff member and contemplated and contemplated about going in. I don't know if in the right frame for work. Then my mom questioned me about getting a second job since I only work part time this morning. I don't know I feel medication can help control the racing thoughts allow me to act less impulsively and focus more. However, I went from 160 to 250 in eight month's. Medication made me eat less, workout m pre because wasn't depressed or tired, but I still gained weight. The kick in the pants is I work in the mental health field tell my patients how important medication is, ha. I would love to go back to psychotherapy it helped a lot, but can't even afford doing $20 a week. I have friend's to talk to. However, feel I am a burden upon them unloading my problems. I mean they are supportive I just don't know if they fully understand what's going on up there. I think at the peak of my medication was on 300 of Wellbutrin, 2.5 of Klonopin, 20 of Lexapro, and a mood stabilizer. Think I never took the mood stabilizer.
  18. Not sure if in high school or college at the moment. Can confide privately with a counselor about your concerns. Other option is contact 211 or local help hotline. Not just for suicidal thoughts it helps you get directed to services that may be beneficial. If best since don't feel comfortable at home maybe make the phone call at a family or friends house can trust. Not sure if you do see a clinician, but can confide in them as well. Continue to be strong
  19. Appreciate the feedback guess I do have to let go of my own self pity. I really don't know of any talents I have, ha. Not sure if I can come out of my comfort zone to start a business maybe I can volunteer, outside of work I don't like to be around people when feeling overwhelmed. I have no clue why I push away people when it makes me feel good. Maybe could apply to a local garden center or diner...I do like to garden and cook.
  20. Doing better I get a bit paranoid seeing car's never seen in the neighborhood
  21. I continue to have these great fears that something bad is happening. That debt is going to catch up on me. That the government is coming to arrest me and other's are out to end my life. Sleep is basically go to bed at 3 wake up at 6. I sleep for about 3 hour's a night. I still exercise thankfully. I mean we have food I think my mom is struggling with bills. I pay my mom monthly $240 to $300 a month. Even with that basically enough food for breakfast and dinner not much left for snacks or lunch. Tough feeding the animal's. I mean some people only eat once every 3 day's so can't complain but do get agitated not eating at times. I get easily frustrated with loud crunching noises of people chewing and scraping their forks. On top of that can't stand how much my mom drinks and smokes.
  22. I am not sure last I posted. I feel like Rick bottom lately. Been very disconnected from people in my life and avoiding situations. Right now I have a lot of uncertainty regarding the future. I am not sure how or what is going to happen. I feel like is on fast forward and if I pull the brake it will all come to a crash. I wanted to wait to marry my girlfriend till in school or finished, but school can't start until 2017. Marriage is mid fall of 2016. I don't know if we can afford to live on our own. That is causing a lot if strife. Friend's and family members looking down upon us judging us being upset at us not being happy about the marriage yada yada. However, some are supportive opening their doors to us to live with them support living with them with a discounted rent until can finish school and be stable on our feet. I have a Mount Everest of debt. I currently make $1600 a month. I have three credit debts that equal $8,000. I have a $2,000 tax debt, a $2,000 car repair with a $1,000 deductible owed. I have probably $2,500 to $4,000 grand owed on my lease car for mileage overages...I travel 60 miles a day for my new job. That adds on new expenses such as close to $60 of gas a week plus $40 a month of parking fees. On top of that I have to worry about needing a job while going back to school. I am trying to find night work, but not having luck. Taking a night job there are job's can work full time, only working 24 right now, but make 50% less then what I am making. Plus working night's aggravates my depression making it 10 times worse. Conflicts of opinions with how certain things are done. My mom threatening not to go to the wedding trying to offer owb opinion on where to be wed. Then my mom constantly reminding me of my bills and having a lazy work ethic. Been trying to find other work but difficult. Fiancé is in class for next two week's. In the fall will get worse because fiancé will be in school full time during the day working evenings night's on weekends. Unfortunately won't be able to see her as often as normally would only twice a week. Being alone with time off from work makes my thoughts spin. I like to be on medication to help me but I just can't do it. My depression stems from weight and body image. My family tells me I am fat and need to loose weight. Being on meds I gained 60 to 80 pound's even with exercise and dieting. Then my dad wants to see me but I don't know if I want to see him I am not sure why I just want to curl under a rock and never come out
  23. I am 27 will be 28 by the end of the year. I am not established in life and still trying to discover who I am. I graduated college with a degree in criminal justice, but ever since college started feeling depressed. That was something uncommon for me I had a eating disorder in high school. Struggled as a kid with not wanting to get old, dealing with the divorce, and trouble focusing. Not sure if follow relationship with my mom is always rocky. Recently like an exploding volcano. Mostly my mom call it telling me the truth. Basically blaming me for her drinking and smoking. My mom's infrequent mood chnages. Caling me names, saying I am a loser, telling me I looked better skinnier, depression is made up, you will never succeed. Barging in my room unannounced. Walking around the house naked. Trashing my room or house at random. Wanting to clean up her own messes in the house. That's been going on for awhile. Go into the volcano explosion later. After graduating college, five year's, family upset it took me five year's to graduate college. Granted they didn't pay for it. I went to become police officer. After about 8-10 exams and no luck decided look elsewhere for employment. As an EMT and my per diem work in the hospital I found work utilizing my degree in a hospital close to home as a counselor. I lived on my own. Kind of felt freedom at that moment from my mom's control. From 24-27 lived with girlfriend. Paid about $400 in rent and did share of groceries. Also gave my mom money time to time. Then life crashed girlfriend broke up with me. All that freedom I had landed me in $8,000 worth of debt, and was laid off from my job. I returned home with my mom, living with my mom is an external stressors of my depression. Friction furthered when I couldn't give my mom rent money from September to October, lived with my mom since June at that point. Friction furthered with my mom and family when I passed up on applying to a job in corrections. I just didn't feel was right fit for me. I didn't know what to do with my life at this point. In November found a job finally. It was working great planned to go back to school. Then the job told me they couldn't guarantee me work. I applied to a few job's but no luck. I applied interviewed at a job I worked at per diem before. My mom wanted me to get that job I really wasn't interested in the job. Without my knowing asked my uncle who works for the company to write a letter to HR to hire me. I finally got the job a month later. Family told me you need to stop job hopping, keep this job, you leave this job your insulting your uncle, and so forth. I really wasn't interested in this job wanted to get back in mental health field. Girlfriend, fiance, at time worried about safety with the job. I dealt a lot with blood borne pathogens. Anyways landed two job's. I took the one that laid the most. It worked out well that the pay was same amount a week as my full time job was leaving. However, was only 24 hour's a week. I couldn't tell my family that because they only look at working only 24 hour's. Family functions had to pretend working at my previous job. Then my mom started snooping through my e-mail, mail, and thought blocked her on Facebook my Facebook profile. Finally truth had to come out. My mom was upset initially hid and lied to her about the new job. However, as I knew be upset over the fact only working 24 hour's. Continually calling me lazy, a beep loser, and something is seriously wrong with you. Saying should pick up another part time job. You are working in a terrible place. Then changed, I used to, give my mom more money, but can only afford giving her $240 a week. Now wants me to give her $240 a week and buy my own groceries. I just can't afford that. Then mom upset hid I got engaged. I knew she freak out over money, which she did. The plan was to get married din two, but bumped it up to a year. My fiance dad passed away set aside money that would be used towards her wedding. So we're going ahead with it in a year and 1/2. I am still unsure of what want to do with life. Went to a few open houses for colleges think found right program for me. Trying to figure how to balance it out with work. Upsets my mom looking for another job since I stared this one. Looking for night job so can go to school during the day. Plan to use tuition money from current job to go back for my EMT certification and find work closer to home at night that way. I am looking to go back to school for civil engineering. Probably take me 2 1/2 year's. Fiance starts nursing school.in the fall with same time frame. Figure when we're done we look for work out of state. We have a plan. My fiance thinks be healthier for me to not live with my mom any longer. Doesn't want to rent rather buy her first place...also has mindset as a friend of hers in a low end area had bed bugs in her apartment. Anyways wants us to move in with her mom after the wedding for a year. Save up money for a place to buy on own. Mom in law is open to it. Anyways that 's causing anger against my mom. Mom is against the wedding and wanting me to seek counseling. Mom even found a counselor for me because she thinks something is seriously wrong with me according to her. I am bit stressed financially as have a $1400 tax bill coming out over next four month's. Have a car lease that 's getting close to over mileage. Damaged my car have $1500 to $2,000 damage. So trying to save up $1,000 for the fall to pay my deductible on my insurance. Save up another $5,000 to put toward my car in May. Then from May to October save money up for the wedding and try to take big chunk out of bills. I plan to take classes in the fall and finish up by 2017. I don't know I feel overwhelmed and feel like a loser. My mom tells me I am...not sure if I should take it to heart.
  24. Received a good amount of text from my mom. First criticizing how I wouldn't be able to do a job and don't have the work ethic for that job. Where I really thought my mom was being supportive and asked her about a position at her company she works for. That was what led into the earlier criticism. However, continued about how I flip flop on what I want to do for college, I should of taken the corrections job, I should stick with one company, you should apply for this job, you are not even working full time, I ashamed of you, you shouldn't get married, it's weird you want to move in with your future mother in law after the marriage, and I have a therapist you need to talk to who is concerned about your life choices. So that was my evening yesterday. Will see my mom in the morning not looking forward to this.
  25. Well continues to curse at me, call me lazy...saying I don't clean up. Granted I cleaned Sunday but mom has spilled crud all over the house. Vacuumed anyways. Saying I am lying I got fired from my old job which is false I quit. Going on about why I don't work extra hours making excuses...really it is due to gas and putting extra miles on my lease.
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