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PsychT1987

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  1. Probably the biggest thing is I opened up to my wife about events last night. Told her about the crying, the intrusive thoughts, and planning ways to go. Actually was a relief to talk with my wife. Also next week plan to talk to my mom and make her dinner tell her what's going on. That'l probably be the toughest part. Because my mom and I have a strong bond since I was 4 when my dad left. So figure make her a nice dinner and talk tibher about this new venture in life. Hopefully reassure her that it's not goodbye. Hope she can visit if it does pan out and maybe eventually move down that way with retirement nearing for her. As far as grandparents go will do all I can to keep in touch. Maybe teach them how to Skype. I know the Aunt can help them out with that. The pets will be tough to separate from. When having mental health issues form a strong healing bond with your critters. I have a strong feeling few friends from the area might move with us as time progresses and know a few friends who wouldn't mind visiting us. So hope isn't to bleak. Just have to persevere. This time not alone have my wife, which is a plus.
  2. For me anxiety, frustration, and depression come along with change for me. I embrace it and become stronger after it that is a fact. I know a trigger in my life is when I start a new job. Become a storm of emotions. The months counting down till I got married. Then add in moving in my wife moving away from my life been living for some time. Another change and more emotions, but I made it through it all.Fear of the unknown excaberates it the intensity of this storm. The wife wants to work towards having a child. I am excited, but worried because our careers are kind of flat lined right now. I looked into a few different careers changes over the past year, but little panned out. My wife and I are in school right now, but over the course of 2 years we hit a rut. Plans have been halted due to limited school options in our State. Financially we just pay bills and try to save, but it's difficult. Rents are expensive and have been living with the MIL for little over a year. Wife and I talked about a plan. Wife is 100% a go me about 80%. We done our research and found areas where both are current career are in demand. Within this area found more school options then we currently have in our State with lots more flexibility. Lower school cost and lower cost of living. Found rents that are $500 to $1000 less then where we currently live. Plus less times for SAD with winter only being brief and short. Also add in more activities we enjoy like comic conventions, running, hiking, kayaking, reading clubs, more clubs, and festivals. The crux is it's 8 hours away from family, pets, and friends. That idea is torture and tearing me apart inside. I have a huge fear of Death and feeling I never see thoss close to me enough. Feel guilty and will feel more guilty if O abandon them. Realize it could be for the best and only temporary. So many thoughts going through my head. How much life could change for those I am close to and not being able to be there for them. It scares me I don't know. I was up and down last night. Rough sleep cried a little. Then the thoughts of wanting to end my life sank in and trying to turn those thoughts off to go go bed was rough. Any advice insight feedback please.
  3. Hi, engaged 14 months ago and to be married to my future husband end of November. Really didn't think much, but a lot of things seem to be connecting. Over the past few months fiance' has been sending me text asking do I love him, am I important, if wasn't for you I off myself, I am sad, and so forth. In addition to, his mood has become very labile. Easily frustrated when driving seeing a darker side of him driving. Yelling, swearing, flipping people off, honking is horn, and so on. He is withdrawing more from me. He keeps telling me how he is afraid of death. Recently flipping through a journal found left open talked about how he struggles with living and just not wanting to be alive at times. When trying to confront him about this he denies it all and says he is fine. He feels his depression has ruined his life in the past because he believes denied him the ability to apply to certain jobs and being on medication made him gain weight in the past. He is very stressed about moving out where he lives, currently moved back with his mom 15 months ago. We are very stressed with bills lately as well living paycheck to paycheck. We plan to move in with the MIL up until June and look for a place to live after that on our own. Fiance' is also stressed because he has to leave behind when he moves his moms' cat and dog. He is very attached to the animals and he seems to be in great solace when around them. Fiance keeps telling me the pressure is on as he is returning back to school for nursing. He jokingly says if I can't finish nursing school no reason to live anymore to me. I am not sure what to do? Any ideas? Appreciate any responses or feedback.
  4. My mom wants to put her condo in my name. I just feel unable to process life anymore. It's toxic it's not toxic it's up and down. Concern is control letting my mom take control leads to a can of worms. Mom offered to help put me on her phone plan because it's cheaper. I pay it but now says it isn't enough.
  5. This is new situation at home. Because even the rent money I give my mom rarely goes to food. Mom complains it pays the bills which it does. However, my spends $80-$100 a week on cigarettes and alcohol. I was happy and relationship with my mom was healthy when I lived on my own for two year's. I was able to respond to the stress from my mom and family. I mean I still dealt with it calling me an "*****", "stupid", "wasting your life", and so forth. Now moving back home it just seems worse. It's not the negativity it's the support that turns to negativity. Say I am proud of you your doing great. Then turns to your stupid your the reason I smoke and drink. I can't wait till your no longer my problem. You make terrible choices in life so on and so forth. Now stressed over financial issue's. I only make $25,000 a year and have $10,000 of debt. I am stressed have to get my car repaired other driver insurer seems very sneaky. Did not even know was suppose to be given a check. They weren't very reluctant in giving me 100% coverage. My head has these crazy idea's going on about how my life will be ruined. This been leading to control issues my mom wanting to use the money to buy a new car and use her dealer thinking she'll get a better deal. Moments it's intense swearing at each other and name calling. Other times my mom just stops talking to me. Very stressful situation.
  6. My family is driving me insane. Keeping going back to thinking of walking away living in my car. Shower at the Y. Eat 3 home cooked meals with my fiancé. Jeep myself entertained with books from the library. Live in my car at the Walmart. Go on food stamps probably. Not sure how I can store perishibles or need perishibles. Can live off of bananas in the morning I figure can buy daily from Walmart. Walmart has a Subway can get 2 sandwiches a day for $50 a week. That can get me through lunch and dinner. Food stamps probably make that be $10 a week.
  7. Hi, posted a few times on here about stress. My family is a bit dysfunctional at times and kind of survival of the fittest. Normally talk about each other behind each other's back, which I assume is normal. My mom hasn't blamed me in awhile for her drinking and smoking. Anyways going off on tangents might be a bit through this post. I feel like a jerk when my mom and I talk about work. I become defensive and tell her that she has never worked in the environment I do. I feel guilty don't mean to have this superiority complex. My mom tells me to suck it up, your young, and should only focus on work. With my work I love my job. I am back doing a job I love to do. The hospital and Co worker's are amazing. Only downside it's part time, which most of the summer I am scheduled full time not to bad. However, I am variable shifts which means I work morning second morning morning second shift. My hours are all over the place difficult to balance life with work out. Especially since work is chaotic at times it's stressful just too exhausted or can't find time to burn steam off. That kind of happen to me where I became irritable and exhausted. Started eating more, sleeping less, and not exercising any more. I took two day's off to rekax, went camping when I had off of work in the middle of the week. However, mom kind of thinks blowing my money away when I should save it. I do need to save money to find my own place again, since living at home again since laid off last May. Anyways I put a transfer for a night position with work. I feel my boss will allow me to transfer if I train for this new position in the department to pick up extra hour's. However, with my schedule be working evenings then come in during the morning work evenings ahain. I am just asking to make myself worse. From my mom's comments I feel weak inferior. I don't know what's going on with me need some feedback.
  8. Feeling like a loser self absorbed selfish person. I don't know why. I feel guilty because my mom is upset over me I choose my fiancé over the dog. Mom going on about how she feels depressed, but tells me I am only dealing with life. I just don't care about my mom's issues while trying to deal with my own depression. So worried about getting this job or not or what I am going to do. It is consuming me having trouble focusing on other's worry makes me seem selfish. I want work to approve the transfer. They want to give me more houes, but I say no. Have family commitments bext week and dont won't to go over full time this week. I feel screwing myself out of this transfer. People want to do stuff with me outside of work, but it is too far to travel. I enjoy comfort of my home ha. I feel like a jerk.
  9. Mom is now wanting me to choose between the dog or my fiance based on the fact she feels will die soon. Ugh!
  10. Yeah schedule is tough especially when trying to respond to depression...deal with the mundane of being yelled at and surrounded by people dealing with similar mental health issue's. Normally a day shift ruins exercise as I leave at 6 in the morning up around 5. Leave work at 330 come home depending on traffic by 430. From there bathroom break and walk the dog. Then laundry if has to be done only have a few set's of scrubs, can't afford new pair yet. From there I make dinner, breakfast/lunch for next shift. By then it's 6 o clock either I exercise, see my fiancé, or just too exhausted to exercise.
  11. ^^^Thoughts of sadness and wanting to die. I can be happy and enjoying life, but those thoughts sit in the back burner slowly creeping out.
  12. Hi, lately been down, lost, and losing hope. Work schedule is having a major effect on my mental health with the lack of consistency, ever changing hour's, and never set schedule. In addition to, having at times too many day's off...work three day's off five day's or work five day's off for five day's. With time off I just want to withdraw myself from the world and then overwhelm myself with negative thoughts/thoughts to take my life. However, hoping to change it. It is a bit stressful a lot is riding on this new job prospect. Hoping to be transfered to a night job closer to home with my company working full time. That would allow me to have a consistent work schedule. Time to return to college. More income to pay off bill's and possibly indulge on activities to keep my mind preoccupied. Thinking will help with my mind is planning to join the YMCA and maybe a running/swimming club to socialize with people. A nursing student club at my community college or/and hiking club. Hope to get involved in some volunteer opportunities with my church. Maybe pick up an on call second job. Fiancé is starting nursing school in the fall so time together will be limited. However, we planned up until October to camp one weekend a month. Hoping to make another weekend trip to Cape Cod again. Also planning on going country/line dancing once a month. Also up to November planning to hike every other weekend. Also looking probably to learn a language and maybe do paint by number/work on book writing. Definitely going to read more hopefully watch less of TV. Planning to save up to fix and buy my car. Save up for the wedding and save up for a place to rent. It's a bit nerve-racking everything hinges on whether or not I get this job transfer, stressful.
  13. Sorry to hear thing's cab improve I know you can do it. Animals are amazing any more pets with you now? I enjoy night shifts the most. Just been use to working second and third shift without rotation for awhile. Rotation really causes me to be a bit out of whack.
  14. Wondering if anyone has ever dealt with depression due to work schedule. Past few year's always had a set schedule knowing what shifts and what day I be working. However, with my new job I the first four week's worked Monday through Friday with set shifts. Then next six week's was pretty consistent with day's off and shift working. With my new schedule past few week's been working random day's and mix of day's/evening's. Been working three day's some week, four day's, five day's. I feel guilty complaining like this regarding work. However, the inconsistency causes my depression to flare up. For some reason I miss work night's. I actually felt healthier working night's. Working day's is a struggle some reason the morning is the worst point of my depression get better has day goes on. Add in guilt of not working enough not feeling a team player. Difficulty knowing what going to make bi week with schedule being all over the place tough to keep track. I applied to a night job, but depressed I probably won't get the job due to being new and add in worrying how my boss will react when finds put applied for a transfer. Also job is bit stressful because I work in psych. So deal with a lot of people dealing with issue's similar to mind so constantly reminded of ny issue's and being yelled at random times through out the day wears you down.
  15. It's too expensive to see e a Doc. My insurance won't cover some doctors not eligible for state insurance. The copays are too much and medication is too much. What I make a month I can barely survive leaving me bankrupt if I saw a Doc. Will agree I need some psychotherapy hopefully be able to afford it again one day. The wait time is close to 3 month's or some places not accepting new patient's. Kind of a bummer. Appreciate the feedback though. If some say could see a Doc for free I would feel it help ten fold.
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