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MerrySkye

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  1. Don't get me wrong, my husband loves me and in his way, he's been very patient with what's been going on. He hasn't been throwing out any "snap out of it" sentiments. This morning he told me to "try to accomplish at least one thing" today... which isn't bad advice. It's just sometimes I wish I felt more comfortable expressing my feelings to him. Sometimes I have decent days where I have little bursts of motivation, enough to get a few things done. Some days I just...don't. I don't do it on purpose. On those bleak days, I usually spend the evening loaded with guilt because I layed around and wasted my day. My husband doesn't understand that. He'll come home from work to find me just sitting on the couch being a bit irritable. He'll ask me "what's wrong?" How can I answer that? Everything is wrong. I waver between being resentful that he doesn't "get" how I feel, and remorse that I've brought all of this on him. Sometimes I want reactions and responses from him, but I'm unable to articulate anything specific. Part of the trouble is, is that he's not very talkative. My husband is more then happy to spend the rest of the evening in his chair, TV on, with no conversation. Meanwhile, I'm on the couch, dying inside, but unwilling to shatter his peace because he already has enough on his shoulders. I guess the question is... how much support is too much, when it comes to a spouse? He's been doing a great deal already, but there's still something missing. Maybe more understanding and knowledge of what I'm ging through? Maybe I'm being too needy, I don't know.
  2. I rated myself as a 2. I'm not suicidal anymore, but hardly to the point where I consider myself a worthwhile person. No accomplishments, no driver's licence, currently no job. I don't even feel worthy of the love of my friends and family, really.
  3. This is going to sound terrible, because I know this topic is supposed to be somewhat positive, but.... I don't think I've ever had any real self-confidence, or any sense of lasting joy. My moments of happiness in the past have been a bit of an illusion, since there was always something dark lurking in the back of my brain. I used fake personas to socialize-masks. My whole life.. as far back as I can remember...has been tainted with depression, frosted with anxiety. So when asked " What do you miss?", I can honestly say I don't know. I apologize for the negativity. I am trying to change all that with medication and treatment, though. But for now, I feel I need to answer honestly.
  4. Thank you for the replies, they did help. I'm just trying to take all of this one day at a time. I'll be around, lol
  5. Hello. I'm not really sure what to put here, except that I'm a longtime sufferer of depression with a good dose of anxiety thrown in. I'm 41 and have accomplished nothing with my life. A few weeks ago, I checked myself into the hos[pital due to thoughts of suicide. My third time in 20 years. Now I'm stuck in this vicious cycle of guilt and regret and self-loathing. If only I would have stuck to my treatment when was younger. If only I had the courage to face my demons and my anxiety and whatever else is going wrong with me. Right now I'm housebound, without a licence or a job. I should be up and about, cleaning and being active but I'm not. i feel like I'm destined to be a burden to my family and friends. Right now I'm on 75 m of Effexor, with a therapist appointment April 15th. I've been on the meds for a few weeks now. No real improvement. People are telling me to be patient with my treatment, but I feel like I've wasted too much of my life already. I want to feel better, but I don't know how. What's the point of cleaning the house or getting yet another meaningless job if I'm not going to feel any better? Depression and anxiety have been my twin siblings, always on my shoulder, whispering in my ear.... I can no longer separate myself from them. My constant companions. Is it possible top both want to feel better and be afraid of it at the same time? One day stretches into the next, with nothing to distinguish them. I have two teenage children that I'm certain believe I'm a poor excuse for a mother. My husband..tries to be as understanding as he can be. He wants me to get a job, and dutifully, I will. I kind of have to, since we're not rich and we do need another income. Just the thought of another stupid mindless minimum wage job makes me sick to my stomach. I should have finished my education... I should have gotten my driver's licence.... shoulds shoulds shoulds. At any rate, I'm trying to get better, I truely am. But when the bleak grayness settles over me, it's like I see nothing else. I've done all the things I'm supposed to do.... got help when I was suicidal, sought out a therapist, changed my meds ( I was on 10 mg of Lexepro before). I tried to tighten up my support system. But my friends and family have their lives too, jobs and things. I can't call them every time I feel isolated and sick and hopeless. Which is often. I suspect my husband expects me to get better quicker then I am. He's the one person I want to be able to talk to without fear. Because... as most of you already know.. there doesn't always have to be an exact cause for what we're feeling. I'd to ramble on and on about every awful thing inside me to my husband, just to vocalize it. Just to get it out in the open. Just to have someone HEAR me. But I usually keep quiet, to keep his stress level down. I get angry with my husband a lot, for reasons I can't articulate. I'm a huge mess inside. I don't even know who I am anymore, nor do I trust my own judgement. Is it the depression talking, or me? Do I even exist, outside this house? I don't know. Treatment is coming, but not quick enough. I have to get through this day, and the next, and the next.... I'm sorry for such a long introductory post. I'm going to sign off now and force myself to clean this stupid house. Thanks for reading. ~Merry~
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