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JD4010

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  1. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol in Life doesn't get better only worse. Why can't I f ucking KI LL MYSELF???????   
    No point in even trying jd. 
    I will be gone by th end of the year. This is bollocks.
    All I want now is the couage to do it. And I am getting there.
  2. Like
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    JD4010 reacted to Tilted in I'm ready to hike into the forest and leave it all behind. So long, it's been good to   
    Hopelessness and anhedonia is my range as well - sounds very familiar. Glad to hear you are back though...
  4. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from Tilted in I'm ready to hike into the forest and leave it all behind. So long, it's been good to   
    Thanks @Tilted and @MarkintheDark. I'm still here. Tried to enter the forest but a bear chased me back out. Kidding of course. I'm alternating between hopelessness and anhedonia. Good times.
  5. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from MarkintheDark in I'm ready to hike into the forest and leave it all behind. So long, it's been good to   
    Thanks @Tilted and @MarkintheDark. I'm still here. Tried to enter the forest but a bear chased me back out. Kidding of course. I'm alternating between hopelessness and anhedonia. Good times.
  6. Like
    JD4010 reacted to MarkintheDark in I'm ready to hike into the forest and leave it all behind. So long, it's been good to   
    You know well I understand exactly where you're coming from, JD.  I hope you're still able to check in with at least one of us, ok?  You're on my mind.
  7. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Tilted in I'm ready to hike into the forest and leave it all behind. So long, it's been good to   
    Can't say I'd blame you, although I hope you don't...we need you here.
  8. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from MargotMontage in Spoiled milk dead fish rotten egg toothpaste barf can dog food booger stinky socks st   
    Eek! I hope you feel better quickly!
  9. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from AloneGuy in 🎃 💀 👻 🍂   
    Same here. Autumn has finally arrived. Until this past weekend, we were still having tropical weather. Wet, humid, and far too warm.
  10. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from AloneGuy in 🎃 💀 👻 🍂   
    I love October!
  11. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from samadhiSheol in Creativity is the act of defining emptiness, giving meaning to absence.   
    Thank you. I guess my ability to come up with quick comebacks could be considered creative. I can be a real smart-ass.
  12. Like
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol in Creativity is the act of defining emptiness, giving meaning to absence.   
    Oh ART..
    creativity isn't equal to art, or more to the point art isn't equivalent to creativity. I didn't have art in mind. Not in the convenional, "painting-on-the-wall"- sense.
    I meant..just living I guess. Creativity as a means for survival.
    Believe me when I say you are way more creative than you give credit for yourself, @JD4010.
  13. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from samadhiSheol in Creativity is the act of defining emptiness, giving meaning to absence.   
    For better or worse, I ain't ever been creative. I flunked art class in fifth grade.
  14. Like
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol in Mood is a funny thing. Right now I feel pretty good. I am back to martial arts with v   
    Stout. The gun-at-the-head choice I would make out of all b eers.
  15. Like
    JD4010 reacted to salparadise6132 in I'm the chronic failure that allows others to succeed.   
    No, I truly believe I am, my friend!!! The reality is, you are not and neither am I.  Oh, I certainly feel like it, some days. But, it's not true. The truth is unknowable to us when we're so far down.
    I, for one, and more too, 'cause there are many on here, admire greatly what you have accomplished!!!  And that's the bloody truth!!!!! I wish I could do it too.  It's just that I have this friend, who I consider my last friend, and she comes to me in a bottle and she never let's me down. 
    You had the courage to send her to the curb!!!!
     
     
  16. Like
    JD4010 reacted to gandolfication in Did you know, it's entirely possible to be both suicidal and feeling pretty good too.   
    I think I kind of understand that.  For me, setting aside a little bit the definition of "feeling good," it comes to me near the end of a hypomanic episode, when I have been feeling elated, and perhaps still am, but also I realize oh, oops, I've been doing some things (or more commonly ignoring some important things), that I'm about to feel bad, embarrassed, upset, sad, afraid about, and I'm about to drop down from 100 to near zero, and oh god this is going to hurt and be terrifying, and everything is about to crash, and sh*t I don't want this glorious 'high" good feeling to end, and so, well, its' time to jump.  LIke that. 
    And it can go back and forth for me like that 5, 10, 25 times in a couple hours or couple days.  But I do crash.  It's just a matter of how hard and how long...and sometimes I can prepare and take corrective action, which is mainly to connect to a support network, usually get some rest, and practice some preemptive self-acceptance and self-care (which I despise, but have to).
    What is it like for you?
    Is that Bowie you changed your avatar to?  Speaking of artists who occasionally sang about suicide....Under Pressure, and his buddy Freddy Mercury's song, Bohemian Rhapsody, I think are both undeniably about people feeling it.
  17. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from samadhiSheol in I am so full of crap I should just flush myself down the toilet. I hate myself more t   
    I used the "laugh" emoji to react there. It signified hollow laughter...from recognition of the situation.
  18. Haha
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol in I am so full of crap I should just flush myself down the toilet. I hate myself more t   
    Yeah, well this toilet is indeed clogged with s hit, so flushing probably is moot.
    Ha ha.
  19. Sad
    JD4010 got a reaction from samadhiSheol in I am so full of crap I should just flush myself down the toilet. I hate myself more t   
    Knowing my luck, if I tried to flush myself, I'd clog the drain and the toilet would overflow.
  20. Like
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol in "If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most   
    But...
    I do think there is Something Out There..and the concept of "god" isn't it at all. 
    Not even close.
  21. Like
    JD4010 reacted to gandolfication in "If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most   
    Ouch.  I read your first post, and liked it...even though I read a ton of Lewis in HS and college and since discarded most of his apologetics as sophistry.  I still like the ineffable longing in his quote.
    Recently, a long lost (well really just second cousin once removed...who I rarely ever see), and I were talking, and she just said, well it's just a story of love.  And I thought, yah, I can use it like that, take what's good, leave what's not and fashion my own believe about the big bad "GOD," which is what I've been trying to do anyway.
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    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol in "If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most   
    I just doubt everything and believe nothing.
     
  24. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from samadhiSheol in "If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most   
    That's great. I've "sensed" something greater myself. Far greater.
  25. Like
    JD4010 reacted to gandolfication in "If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most   
    Reading about people's experiences on psychedelics has undergirded my belief in something more again.
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