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JD4010

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  1. Haha
    JD4010 got a reaction from Depressedgurl007 in I can’t do this anymore.   
    Happy to be there.
    The little things are what keep me afloat too. This morning, the alarm went off and I realized my cats were snuggled up close to me in bed. I ignored the alarm for awhile and just lay their thinking about how wonderful it was. One of those moments of unexpected bliss that make it seem worthwhile.
  2. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Depressedgurl007 in I can’t do this anymore.   
    Just reading n hearing my words is enough..thanks for sharing my pain with me. Being grateful for what little things I have is all I’m holding on to. 
  3. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Gisele in "You have to love yourself." What BS.   
    When greeting cards and fridge magnets salt fertile minds, pop psychology is what we get. Self-worth and self-love are not the same thing. Self-worth is the thing that won't let you take no for an answer and try again, tomorrow, to be a genius. 
    All love is respiratory. Breath love into what you do and love will come back. Sometimes we have to re-learn this. 
  4. Sad
    JD4010 got a reaction from Depressedgurl007 in Still hating myself   
    Wow. He's something else. But you knew that already.
  5. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to Depressedgurl007 in Still hating myself   
    That’s the problem. When I enter this house, I’m able to travel back in time by centuries.. It’s so ridiculous and I quietly take all this in while I’m still able to endure it..till I get a house of my own.
  6. Thanks
    JD4010 got a reaction from Depressedgurl007 in Still hating myself   
    Your husband commanded you to sweep? What century was he born in?
  7. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from Natasha1 in ###$$%^^&***::%$$$^&*,;;"   
    How did I miss this. The colorful title should have drawn me in immediately.
    Are you doing better now?
  8. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to Natasha1 in ###$$%^^&***::%$$$^&*,;;"   
    Oh i am. And more too. I was being nice to myself.
  9. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from samadhiSheol in Made in Britain   
    @samadhiSheol Toots & the Maytals are another favorite of mine--as are The Specials. When it was first released, I listened to "Concrete Jungle" over and over again. I didn't want it to end.
  10. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from samadhiSheol in Boxhead   
    @samadhiSheol Once again, a home run, as we yanks like to say. Brilliant piece of writing.
    Same. The very same. I've never even talked back to my soon-to-be-former boss, no matter how much that fooker has abused me. I just don't have it in me. My coworkers think I'm a puss for not standing up to him. They are correct.
    I'm a cardboard cut-out of a man being blown around in random directions by the wind.
  11. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Gisele in Epic Fail   
    Being enormously fond of exercise and being varying degrees of mental, I have some thoughts on exercise which may or may not be useful. Work out what motivates you, make a plan, consider carefully the free time you have, rule lines in an exercise book and call it something quaint like "My Cute Little Exercise Journey", google shit ... diets, routines, perspectives and really, really immerse yourself so deeply and so thoroughly and ... you'll probably sit there and hate yourself instead. 
    That's when you might pile all that up and make yourself a nice fire.
    Do it for your body and your brain will catch up. That's how it is for everybody but that doesn't sell books.
    So you're guy wouldn't do the cesspit? I like that you're obviously not in journalism or marketing 😉
     
  12. Like
    JD4010 reacted to AloneGuy in Epic Fail   
    I'm really sorry you're going through such a rough time JD.  I hope you can keep hanging on and things get better for you very soon.  
  13. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Natasha1 in Epic Fail   
    I have very little energy lately to come up with anything useful or helpful but you will make it through. Just didnt happen this time. Try again when you are ready.
  14. Like
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol in Epic Fail   
    You WILL prevail, JD.
    Fxxk work. Do what you have to, but on your free time, even if it’s just 15 mins, do the exercise you feel drawn to.
    Try not to think in terms of regimes(though god knows I am the same..). Just do what feels right..
    I am too, JD. You deserve so much better. Oh, and btw, you are anything but an epic fail. 
     
    Lose the fail. Maintain epic!
  15. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from watalife in This world is f ucked   
    @samadhiSheol Damn. I didn't see this until now. I've been neglecting DF to an extent.
    I agree with your observation that the vast number of suicides tells us so much about the world we are being forced to live in. There isn't a minute that goes by where I don't think about heading off into the forest and...well, not be here anymore.
  16. Sad
    JD4010 got a reaction from samadhiSheol in This world is f ucked   
    @samadhiSheol Damn. I didn't see this until now. I've been neglecting DF to an extent.
    I agree with your observation that the vast number of suicides tells us so much about the world we are being forced to live in. There isn't a minute that goes by where I don't think about heading off into the forest and...well, not be here anymore.
  17. Like
    JD4010 reacted to jeffreyd in Ketamine and beyond   
    Thanks Atra. I just read your journey with ketamine. Very descriptive, that will help many others I'm sure when contemplating ketamine. Glad you are having some positive results. I never really thought about exploring myself more, interesting to ponder. My pdoc really wants me to become an expert in mindful meditation. Guess I'll be looking into that. Still hoping there is a med out there that can help...  Good luck to you!
     
  18. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Atra in Ketamine and beyond   
    Hi @jeffreyd
    I also received Ketamine treatment and like you, wrote a blog about it here on DF. I'm among the fortunate ones who responded to treatment - though it wasn't until the second or third intravenous infusion. I've read this entry and and wanted you to know I that I feel for you and identify with many of the matters you wrote about. So I want to share with you some of my thoughts. 
    Your thoughts on finding Purpose resonate with me because I thought I'd lost that capital-P in the years I was barely surviving with MDD and med-resistant. Towards the end of the Ketamine protocol I realized how my life seemed pointless not because I was without purpose but because I'd stopped seeking; I'd ceased to be curious about the world outside but more importantly about myself.
    I had been focusing so much on the world, global and local events, far away places and confusing messages. And wondering where I fit into it all, what possible contributions I might offer. I may have forgotten about the inner world, the "world of me", in which there exists marvelous discoveries. Investigation and examination of what is in there reignited my curiosity. In adulthood I believed I knew myself quite well... not so well at all, as it turns out. Some parts of me I'd forgotten, other parts lay waiting to be noticed. This led to growth, change, acceptance of uncertainty, a renewed sense of wonder.
    If it turns out my Purpose is just to learn as much about me as possible in the time I have, I will be content. 
    Thanks for sharing your experience and giving me some space to share mine. 
     
  19. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from samadhiSheol in Wannabe   
    I've masqueraded as a "professional" for 33+ years now. I'm an imposter though. I'm as stoopid as your average rock and don't have a mind for much of anything. At one time, I had a little bit of confidence but that is now long gone.
  20. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from Natasha1 in Wannabe   
    I've masqueraded as a "professional" for 33+ years now. I'm an imposter though. I'm as stoopid as your average rock and don't have a mind for much of anything. At one time, I had a little bit of confidence but that is now long gone.
  21. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Natasha1 in Wannabe   
    I love you @Gisele. You are a very special person.
  22. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Gisele in Wannabe   
    Natasha, 
    If I can digress for a tiny second, I know I take to myself on my own pages pages with sometimes bitter irony and that's a bit of a topic for me lately. I'm not bringing that here, just so you know..
    You play the flute, play the piano, sing, maybe more besides and you at least write poetry, all to a high level. You must. No one shit at anything gets critiqued. You also get to the point in as many words as it takes me to get started. If it has never occurred to you, some of us rather like that!
    Comparisons are awful but the only 'auditions' I ever won were for gilded cages with no clothes on. I did manage though to graduate in the top 37% of my class. and ... so what. Not a great CV and not really worth idly importing into your space. I say it because remember dangling from that yardarm on my lonely little boat when you and others reminded me of what I was accomplishing.
    I really hope that the better voices are the ones you can begin to really hear. Truly,
  23. Like
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol in Kick in the eye (a nod to Kerouac)   
    ..and then there is the fact that "forced" positive thinking is missing the point.
    If our reality is that the/our personal world has gone to the dogs, we need to see it hasn't in fact, to change our reasoning. 
    In other words, reality has to change too.
    It always struck me as odd that we are told that we should live our own lives as according to our true nature, yet when we are facing any kind of mental health issue its slammed against our face. Suddenly we are told how not to think, how some thoughts are damaging etc. 
    Who has that kind of power? Might there not be a real, tangible reason for our disquiet and inner turmoil? 
    Sorry rant.
    I meant to say in my roundabout, mannerist way, that you are right.
    Though I dare say that the "bold and beautiful" are probably every bit as effed up as the rest of us.
  24. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from samadhiSheol in Kick in the eye (a nod to Kerouac)   
    "I just can't will myself to think positively". There's another quote I will be adding to my signature here on DF. 
    People who urge me to "think positively" are often healthy, well-off, and good-looking. I'm none of those things.
  25. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from watalife in Void is anger   
    Do you mind if I copy this into my own blog? That will save me from having to type the very same thing.
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